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Is my boss interested?


ClearDay24

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I will start by saying I am NOT interested in my boss. I just want to know if what’s going on here is indicative of him being interested and advice on how to handle if it seems he is.

 

I have worked for him for 11 years. He is married and has three adult children. He has never been inappropriate. However, I feel this has changed. My husband and I separated 2 years ago and the divorce was final last year. Since then, I feel like my boss has been very interested in my life. Asking me if I’m dating if I have a boyfriend, etc. He is typically very forgetful but has been remembering if I mention I’m going to a concert or a movie festival. My boss is also not one to ever stay at work late. But for the past few months he has been staying late and seemingly giving me projects close to the end of the workday because he knows I will stay to finish. Then he’ll ask if everyone is gone and he will vent about work and about life and about relationships. He has never been one to talk about colleagues but lately he has to me. When we are talking he always then abruptly says “I have to go” and leaves. He also occasionally asks me to pick him up at his home and take him to work because of car issues but the car always seems to be fine. On the days he does this he makes sure we do not enter the building at the same time. He will tell me to wait a few minutes behind him.

 

I have been noticing his hand will linger if we accidentally touch when I hand him a piece of paper or a folder. Or he will touch my back if we are leaving or entering a room at the same time. However, whereas he may give innocent compliments to my colleagues he never pays me a compliment, which leads me to believe the rest of the “signs” are just in my head.

 

He relies on me heavily at work and is always texting/calling/emailing after work hours. He knows I’m neurotic and will work 24/7 if needed. Recently the office was closed for a week as it always is for the holidays but he knew I was coming for one day (as I always do during this break) to get work done and he made sure to come on the same day. He has never done this in the years I have worked there.

 

Is this in my head? Or if he sounds interested, how do I proceed since I am not?

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I agree you need to stop being so available. Stop doing that one day work day during the holidays. Dont be on call 24/7. Dont tell him so much about your personal life. Stop picking him up at home because of alleged car problems. You are way too available to him.

 

When I first read your post I thought maybe he was having marriage issues and didnt want to go home, but now that I think about it, it does sound like he may have more than a working interest in you. You may need to consider getting a new job.

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You need a better balance and stronger boundaries.

 

There is no reason to work 24/7, and you are too available to him, as the others have pointed out. Whatever is outside your stipulated job duties is not required. You need to not respond every time he snaps his fingers. Get more of a life outside of work so he gets the message that you do have other things going on and are not waiting around for him to take advantage of you.

 

If he doesn't get the message, you might be wise to look for another job with a more professional atmosphere.

 

To answer your other questions, it sounds like he's hit a rough patch in his marriage (or is plain bored with his life) and wants attention from another woman. Don't mistake that for being genuinely interested in you as a person. These people are usually more about the ego stroke they can get from others rather than seeing the personal and unique value in those others. In other words, you're inadvertently making yourself an easy target for him to fish from since you don't appear to have much else going on and have trouble saying no to him. If it weren't you, it would be the next available woman. He thus far isn't getting a signal from you to back off, so he keeps doing it. Take a firmer stance and he'll more than likely move along. He's afraid of people seeing you arrive at work together, so I doubt it will take much to scare him off, so to speak.

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He doesn’t sound interested in you to me.

Maybe just taking advantage of the fact that he can squeeze more work hours out of you than he has to pay for.

 

Why are you telling him about your social life? When you are going to a concert etc?? Did you do that when you were married? Or has your behaviour changed and he is simply responding to that?

Perhaps he feels bad / empathy for you?

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Some short term therapy to come to grips with your recent divorce would help you sort some things out. You need a life outside of work. Take some classes, courses, join some groups and clubs, volunteer. Get back in touch with friends and family.

 

You should not be this available and work is not a dating site or singles bar. Coming onto the boss is a bad idea. Get a nice profile and pics on some quality dating apps and start messaging and meet men.

My husband and I separated 2 years ago and the divorce was final last year. I’m neurotic and will work 24/7 if needed.
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Don't hang out with your boss! Even if he was gay or something, professionally it's not really OK to spend time with your boss like stay back at work or give him lifts at work. A manager for professional and ethical reasons shouldn't spend more time with an employee than with other staff members. I'm saying outside of the work environment, like getting lifts in the car. Even if he did have car troubles (which he probably doesn't), he can't just use you to get free lifts. He needs to fix the car, catch public transport or get a taxi or Uber. I think he's acting unprofessional, whether he actually is interested in you or not. I think stop staying back at work with him and don't drive him anymore. And don't talk much except about work related stuff.

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Thanks everyone for the comments so far! Not being available all the time is a good plan. I have always been this way because I am very neurotic about doing things right at work. We are a small office of 10 so we sort of have become like family over the years and everyone knows everyone’s personal life.

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This is someone's husband....are you okay with that?

 

No I am not ok with it. I am not interested. Additionally, my husband left me for one of his employees so even though I would already never “date” a married man that just added more of an incentive to never do it. I needed perspective to see what I was doing wrong or how I can fix the situation.

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It's time to round out and fill up your life. That means spending more time with friends and family, taking some classes and courses, joining some groups and clubs, volunteering, etc.

 

You should be dashing out of work at quitting time because you have to go to the gym or meet up with a friend or have a class to go to or are going on a date. Get into that schedule and stop hanging around hoping for your boss y to keep you busy.

 

Your life is way too empty and you are allowing your boss to fill up that void. You are lonely and he keeps you company by assigning nonsense to you and sadly you are allowing that and avoiding life and moving forward. No. He is not interested in you. Immediately stop doing these favors for your boss.

my husband left me for one of his employees. how I can fix the situation.
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I wouldn't delve into playing mind police. That's a sign of needing a more interesting focus, so I'd start by examining why this 'must' be important to me. As long as the guy remains respectful and appropriate, credit him with the same degree of professionalism you've enjoyed for 11 years. If his behavior ever makes you uncomfortable, decide whether it's worth telling him that, and if not, then skip projecting 'meaning' onto the guy, and start focusing instead on your own work/life balance. Find interests in your life beyond work, and put the boundaries in place that will support you in pursuing that.

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He asks about your life because he has known you for 11 years and its not weird to ask how a concert was, or make small talk. I think he asked about things before, but you are just noticing them now. I would do like the others say and if he piles on work at the last minute say "i will finish this in the morning". its one thing to stay half an hour to finish something you started earlier in the day, but set boundaries with other stuff

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I agree with everyone else, you need to set more boundaries with the touching, the working late, etc. I think I would lose my $#^& if a male boss or coworker was touching my back as I was leaving a room together...so not appropriate. I think you also need a break from over loading yourself with work.......go and do nice things for yourself. Have a mental health day, and invite a GF to a spa day, sip mimosas in your fluffy white bath robes.

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How about joining a local Meetup group? I have made some amazing friends through them and we socialise regularly.

Also stop sharing so much personal stuff at work.

I work in a very similar situation to you, there is only 10 of us as well, I am the only female, and I have been here 16 years

I am divorced too, my ex cheated, then married his PA.

I never chat with my Boss about my personal life. We will discuss our adult children, movies, tv shows, but that is it.

You really need to put a barrier between your work & home life.

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Also, a touch of the hand or back can convey care and concern as well - if you went through a rough patch, consider it also that it may not convey "interest" like you think. I would ask yourself, if your boss was an 80 year old woman and did the same thing - would you feel differently and not label this touch sexual. Or your relative. Still, no one should touch you when you don't want to be, but i really think its a leap that your boss is attracted and interested. he DOES want "one thing" - and that is for you to work overtime to get more work out of you because you are totally willing.

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One of the employees in the department I supervise likes to hug me nearly every day. I am not a hugger, but he wants everyone to like him. He's like a puppy in some ways, just leaping around hoping someone pets him. It's not entirely professional but I understand this is a need he has so I tolerate the hugs.

 

One thing I can say for sure is he is NOT "interested".

 

Does your boss give only you this kind of attention? And are you the only one who makes herself available "24/7"?

 

Maybe he's on some forum somewhere asking "Is my employee interested"?

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