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Thread: I continue to have hope when I know it's false.. when there should be none left.

  1. #1
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    I continue to have hope when I know it's false.. when there should be none left.

    I've had so many feelings over the last few months that I just haven't been able to turn off. Some of them have been things that I've never felt before. There's days that I feel so pathetic that I let someone shatter me like this.. that I can't seem to pick up the pieces and move forward like I have in the past.

    I know some of you have read my earlier posts - I went on an ill advised break which of course did not end in a reconciliation. I felt like I had to do the break to give us a fighting chance.. and now i constantly think about how maybe it would have turned out differently if I had said no and let him have the shock of being without me, rather than a few weeks to get use to us being apart. In the end, we cried together.. I told him I loved him and he told me he still wasn't sure he saw a future with us. It's been about three months since it all began (three weeks break and two months officially broken up). I've always struggled with being forth-coming with feelings to the people who need to hear them.. I probably waited until it was too late to tell him how I really felt.

    When we broke up I sobbed.. I felt so embarrassed but he just stood there and held me. It made me sob more, realizing that after this, that was it.. he was gone. He pretty much left me crying on my doorstep.. i saw him sit in the car for awhile before he drove away from the window. I've probably cried 95% of the days since then and I can't seem to stop. That day, I told him I couldn't be friends with him, that it hurt too much. I lasted about three weeks without talking to him. I should have went longer, but it was so hard.. he was my best friend and my home. When I first reached out to him he responded very positively to me.. I figured though that he would be kind. He's a great person. Still though, i thought there was a chance he might not say anything at all. I kept trying to back off.. I didn't want to seem desperate, but there was (still is) a part of me that just can't imagine my world without him. We talked for a few days but gradually I restricted it to maybe once every week or two. A couple times I reached out to him, a couple times he reached out to me. We continued this until right before Christmas..

    We worked together until the week right before Christmas. He had a going away party that I wasn't invited to which was expected. Seeing all the pictures of my work friends with him, knowing that I might not ever see him again crushed me. I walked by his car on the way home the last Friday we worked together and just lost it. I felt like I had been doing slightly better and it just started it all over again. He worked that Monday after, but I had taken the day off.. I guess he had planned to come say goodbye. We talked for awhile via text about how I couldn't say goodbye like that, that it was too hard. It was more than just saying goodbye to a work friend for me. It felt like I would be saying goodbye to him forever. I told him I still missed him a lot and he told me he would miss me at work too, that he missed me outside of work as well. He asked if he could meet for a meal or even talk on the phone sometime to catch up. I denied the meal, saying it would be too hard but that maybe we could talk on the phone. I didn't really think he'd go through with it.

    We talked a few times over the next few days and the day after Christmas he texted me asking if he could call me. I just couldn't say no. We talked for two hours. Not about anything of importance, mainly what had been going on in his life and how our holidays were. I spent the whole time pretending like I was okay. It was so relieving to hear his voice that I just couldn't ruin that. It felt like I had him back for two hours. I don't know what I thought would happen after that, but I know there was a part of me that wanted him to realize how much he missed me and needed me too. We talked for a couple days after, but again.. I tried to back off because I didn't want to overwhelm him or seem desperate.

    He started a new job beginning of January and I reached out a couple days after he started to see how it was going. He felt distant in a way that he hadn't before. I kind of let it go.. thought maybe I was over analyzing. I decided on Saturday though that it was time to be honest about how I was feeling. I've been working with a therapist on improving my communication and I felt like I had to try to be authentic. No more hiding behind some facade acting like I'm fine when I'm not. I needed to do it for me, not because I needed a response from him, but because I felt like I couldn't keep essentially lying. I sent a pretty lengthy text.. I was forth coming about saying I'm trying to work on communicating to people that I care about. I told him he didn't have to say anything back, but I just needed to tell him. I told him how hard it was for me to talk to him on the phone.. that I was pretending like I was okay because I wanted to hear his voice. That I love him and miss him.. that so many things remind me of him. I acknowledged that I've had a lot of false hope and that as time passes and his feelings don't change, maybe i need to give that up, but I feel very stuck and don't know how. I told him I sensed he was being distant and sort of got the impression that he was seeing someone else now. In the end I wrapped up it by acknowledging again that I didn't expect a reply.. Just that I wanted him to know that I love him and miss him and if he ever changes his mind, that I'm here.. and if not, that's okay too.

    I think I didn't want him to respond back. I think I just wanted to be able to have my feelings. I know he struggles communicating feelings sometimes, especially via text.. so I thought maybe he just wouldn't say anything, especially if he really is trying to date someone else. A day later I got a reply. It didn't feel like him anymore. it seemed very rehearsed and robotic and not like the person I fell in love with.. not even like the person that talked to me on the phone after christmas or the person that texted me two weeks before. He said he was glad i was able to express how i was feeling and that he was sorry to hear that i'm still struggling. That he still cares about me and doesn't like knowing i'm upset. He then proceeded to tell me that my impression is correct and something "sparked up out of the blue" with someone else I work with. He said he knew it would be hard for me to hear, but felt like he needed to be honest with me and didn't want me to hear it through the work grapevine. He wrapped it up with telling me I'm a great girl and he knows i will find someone that will make me as happy as I deserve if I get back out there followed by acknowledging that I said that I didn't think i could work towards a friendship, but that he would always be open and accepting of me reaching out if I ever need anything.

    I know there was no response I was going to like outside of "i love you and want to get back together," but there was just something about his tone and what he chose to say that I didn't like. I can't decide if it was immature of me or not, but I decided to just not respond back. There's nothing I can say to make him drop this new person and take me back.. I already told him i loved him and I was here if he changed his mind. I just wish he could have picked someone else that I didn't have to see everyday. I genuinely don't think anything was going on with them when we were together.. or even the first two months after the break started. I'm fairly certain she was in a long term relationship until mid - December. It doesn't make it hurt any less though. I already hurt.. and now I have to see her everyday and be reminded of what I lost. I know I shouldn't be compare myself to her or criticize her, but it's hard when it's so in my face. She's not anyone I would have ever anticipated him pursuing - she's very plain and on the surface doesn't exhibit much personality. Every time I see her I can't imagine what they possibly have in common or what their connection was that brought them together. I suspect they connected at his going away party.. maybe their commonality is that they're both just coming out of long term relationships. I guess it doesn't matter though - I'm probably not suppose to understand.

    Even then though - why can't I walk away from this? I find myself still fixating, hoping she's a rebound and it will just take him seeing that the grass isn't greener to realize that he was wrong. I'm giving him space. I still haven't said anything back to him and don't think I plan to anytime soon. I've had multiple LTR adult relationships that have obviously ended, but I have never been so attached before and so unable to walk away. In the past I've grieved for a few weeks and then was able to pick up the pieces and move on. This time is different. He's the only person that I've ever imagined my future with.. that I day dream about and imagine our life 10-20 years from now. He made me feel like me, he made me feel safe and loved in a way that I never experienced.. in a way that felt unconditional. It's so hard to turn my back on that, to give up hope that we could have the future I wanted for us. I don't know if I can stop loving him or wanting him.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Plntldy22
    Everyone seems convinced that no contact is always the right solution and Iím not sure this is the right path for me.

    Iíve been officially broken up with my ex boyfriend for a little over a week. When we parted ways, I told him I couldnít talk to him anymore because it hurt too much. It seemed like the right path at the time and Iíve continued to stick with it, but the anxiety has been crippling for me. I canít focus on moving forward because Iím so anxious about the fact that he might never reach out to me specifically because I told him not to.

    Iíve started to see a therapist to help with the anxiety and some other issues that have come up because of this.. more long term stuff that I should have dealt with a long time ago. During our conversation today, Iíve come to the conclusion that I have to reach out. The anxiety of feeling like he wonít reach out because I told him not to is far stronger than the anxiety I have about him not wanting to contact me again on his own accord. If he doesnít respond, Iíll at least know heís not contacting me because he doesnít want to, not because of my wishes. I havenít decided yet what Iím going to say, but Iím trying hard to work on being forth coming with how I feel and communicating it to the people it applies to.

    Iím not planning on reaching out regularly or even at all after, but I know that the only way I can even try to move forward is if I open it up again. I understand why some people just need to rip off the band aid and not speak again, but I just canít. If I donít admit that I hate not talking to him, the anxiety will destroy me before any hurt feelings about him not wanting me any longer.
    I want you to read your original post.

    You were told by some of the responders you were in the denial stage but you convinced yourself youíd Ďfeel betterí if you reached out.

    By reaching out you simply continued to pick and poke at your scab instead of allowing it to heal.

    Your moments of openness werenít genuine Iím sorry to say. They were very much Hail Marys, you believed if you just kept at it eventually heíd see things your way, even the text was a manipulation, Iím not saying that as a negative, I doubt think you were being nefarious, you were simply not being sincere with yourself, you never allowed yourself to give up hope because youíve been stuck in the denial stage.

    Hopefully you can now begin to truly heal. He isnít being cold. Heís not the guy you fell in love with because thatís no longer his role. You are slowly starting to see him in a different light, keep going!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You aren't feeling better because what you insist you need to do or "can't stop" doing is what's hurting you. It's only been a few days since you sent the long text, isn't it?

    As long as you insist you can't stop contacting him you will be unable to move forward.

    Please don't make the mistake of thinking you must wait for him forever.

    A friend of mine did that...insisted she must "wait" because her ex had promised to marry her but broke up with her instead. She said she would wait until he kept his promise. Even when he married someone else.

    It's been 25 years and yes, she's still waiting. She's in her 50s and has spent literally half her life waiting for him. It's so very sad.

    Don't chain yourself like that. Another man is out there who is exactly right for you but you'll never meet him if you insist on clinging to Mr. Not Right For You.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Oh man I felt for you as I read this. Sounds like a painful one. I hope you donít beat yourself up for reaching out to him or for grieving the breakup or anything else. I also hope that stay true to a path of healing and growth (I agree with other comments that itís best you donít contact him and meddle in his relationship and prolong the grieving,) even through the waves of sadness you will feel as you let go. Best wishes and good luck!! Things will get different, I promise.

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  6. #5
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    Let this be your last communication with him. You're not being immature by not responding to his last message; there's simply nothing to reply to.

    I think you needed to hear that he has moved on, though, to help you finally let go. You have been living with the hope that things will turn around and it wasn't healthy for you. Give yourself time to process this piece of news. It's normal that it hurts, and it will take time to feel stabilized again. You'll get there.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you are a romantic. The good news is anyone will fit into that role. The bad news is that you ascribe a lot of what is purely your imagination to someone and build this entire story around it. Don't let go of your dreams, but do let go of this particular guy.
    Originally Posted by Plntldy22
    I day dream about and imagine our life 10-20 years from now.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I've never been a believer in bashing all hope out of myself in order to 'heal'. I prefer a much gentler approach that uses hope to motivate me away from unhealthy obsessing. I decide that if ex and I were ever a meant-to-be deal, then we'll both meet again someday on higher ground once we've both grown into people who can handle such a relationship.

    This motivates me to immediately begin pursuit of my own higher ground instead of wallowing myself into a deeper hole to climb out of. I make it a goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and my ability to bounce back from this to start building the kind of life that I can be proud of. I start by rekindling all of the relationships I've neglected with family and friends. I set up commitments to spend time with them that's about THEM, not me. I help them with projects, chores, meal prep, or I treat them to events or meals. I'm still raw, so I'm not 'on' enough to get in my own way. I relax and listen to them speak about themselves, and I hear them in new ways. I don't go on about my grief, but rather, I heal and normalize in the presence of people who unknowingly heal me instead of indulging me in spinning my grief.

    This kind of healing needs to be experienced, not imagined. It gets me out of living in my head and stabilizes me. It inspires me to pursue interests and projects of my own, and it strengthens me to the point where the ex becomes less and less relevant as I become more important.

    This is a percentage play, because if ex ever decides that he wants to reconcile, you're in a better place to consider that, and if not, you're in a better place to launch our own life. Either way, it's a win, while pining is not.

    Head high, and start with baby steps. Be kind to yourself, and build yourself up.

  9. #8
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    I am sorry that this it does not get any easier, yet. But it will...I promise.
    By being in any contact with him, you prolonged the pain. He eased his guilt and now feels relieved cause he told you about the other woman. Most probably, in his mind, he done it the right way or least painful way, slowly by preparing you for it....
    I think I mentioned this to you before, I am not an expert, far from it but I know from experience, the less men know they affected us, the better.
    As I also mentioned, my bf broke up with me a few days before we both knew my dearest dad had a few days to live. I already was devastated. When bf broke up with me, I literally was short of breath. I was afraid I will get heart attack or something. I mean it. It was way too much to deal for me at once. Dad was my everything and more. Bf I loved like I never did before.
    However, not once I told him I missed him or I will miss him. I never once mentioned how difficult would be to speak with him or seeing him. I never once said he broke my heart and took away sense of living. Oh he did. They both did.

    I ensured he never knew the power he had and the impact the break up had. He may wonder, but I will never share with him how hard it hit me what he did.
    No way. I get it you want to be authentic but this is not the time. This time to heal, time to improve you and your life. Not being stuck.
    Don't let him associate you with a miserable , brokenhearted, crushed woman. He will lose all attraction and will feel sorry for you instead.
    In fact, this will prevent any chance of reconciliation if that what you are hoping for. I never heard anyone returning to someone they nearly killed. Unless yo get some ego boost.
    They are mostly coming back when they see us doing well, when we are moving on and they no longer have such an affect.
    Don't respond to this text. Trust me he doesn't wait for a response. As others advised, there was nothing to respond to.
    If he is with the other woman, his mind is completely on another planet.
    Let him be. Create a space where first of all you will be able to breathe....it's still very hard for me. I am in NC and so glad about it. I truly hope that if my ex will ever reach out to me, I won't care that much any more.
    Hence I do NC, for me...for my sanity.
    You will be fine..you sound so wonderful.
    The best thing of it all it's a blessing that he no longer works with you.
    Stay strong and please stop any communication with him.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    I get it you want to be authentic but this is not the time. This time to heal, time to improve you and your life. Not being stuck.
    Don't let him associate you with a miserable , brokenhearted, crushed woman. He will lose all attraction and will feel sorry for you instead.
    In fact, this will prevent any chance of reconciliation if that what you are hoping for.
    So true. No ex ever wants to return to the sad sap they've left behind. The only thing that ever prompts curiosity, sentimentality and reconsideration from an ex is a combo plate of time, distance, and learning that you are thriving fabulously.

    So focus on going to that place of higher ground, instead. That's the only place from which an ex can be attracted back, and it doubles as the only place from which you can gain a whole new perspective about how important that person 'must' be to you once everything else in your life has become enjoyable again.

    It's hard to imagine yourself in that healed and whole state, so don't bother trying to picture it right now. Just put one foot in front of the other and walk forward until you learn how to climb high. You'll thank yourself for dropping the belief that you "can't" go there, because there's a big difference between "can't" and "won't".

    It starts with a decision.

  11. #10
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    Sorry you're hurting OP but you need to stop communication. It is that simple and 'easy'. Block him on everything and then the healing begins. If you don't then you will remain in this state of pain forever.


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