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Thread: Ex begging to talk

  1. #1
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    Ex begging to talk

    Hi all,

    I need some perspectives/support. About a year ago, I met a man and had a brief (3-ish months) exclusive relationship with him. I really fell for him. However, what emerged were a lot of issues, not the least of which are some strong narcissistic behaviors on his part (and I don’t throw this term around lightly—I’ve consulted with others including a therapist). In those few months he had a huge job issue (in which he was accused of some indiscretions—hard to know if its true or not), I suspect he drinks too much, blame shifting and gaslighting during arguments, he’s critical, and he blamed me for a bout of ED and said our sexual chemistry wasn’t right and I didn’t excite him in the right way. His words never matched his actions. He relied on me for emotional support but never reciprocated. He broke up with me and THEN told me he loved me. He emotionally rejected me the day I said it back to him. A total mess.

    We broke up, which was a long drawn out process because he kept contacting despite me saying Idid not want to stay in contact. He would go from emphatically stating that he wanted to work hard on the relationship and making things better and then would not put in any effort (for instance, he didn’t want to see me after he professed that he loved me and wanted to make it work). Since then (about 6 mo later), I have gotten occasional calls and texts from him. In some, he has been both apologetic and accusatory/blaming. I have never answered them. This recent round of contact, he has been begging me to talk to him, saying he just wants to apologize because he knows how wrong he is. And that I’m really important to him, and that he misses me. Everything I read says this is simply a narcissistic attempt to hook me back in. I could block his number but in general I would rather know what’s coming into my phone.

    I know that I can’t engage with him again. It took a while to heal and if I open that door it will not lead to anywhere good. At the same time, I find myself second guessing myself and wondering if I am misjudging him, misjudging the situations and his prior actions, and if I’m doing the right thing for myself in remaining firmly out of contact. I miss that feeling I had with him and I need to remind myself that so much crap came with it. I hate the feeling of being so tempted to respond and then having to talk myself out of it.

    Can anyone offer some words of wisdom?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You really should block and delete him from your phone and any social media. You cant move on if you stay in contact with him.

  3. #3
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    Okay maybe I should clarify part of the issue, which is that I feel unkind and mean ignoring him if he’s hurting. And what if I was wrong? That’s my internal conflict that I keep coming up against.

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    He broke up with you and treated you shabbily. He isn’t your problem. If he needs help it is not your job. Take care of yourself and block him on all fronts.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kricket123
    Okay maybe I should clarify part of the issue, which is that I feel unkind and mean ignoring him if he’s hurting. And what if I was wrong? That’s my internal conflict that I keep coming up against.
    I'd try to think about this from the bigger picture. Like this: you are a human being, living the one life you get to live, and at least in theory you want to spend that life connecting to people who serve you well. On that journey you engaged in a toxic relationship for 90 days. Happens. That's the nuts and bolts of the story—one playing out in millions of lives daily—and it doesn't need to be more complicated.

    Human beings spend a lot of their lives hurting. Do you feel it is your role to soothe them all, or those you've known and half-connected with for only very brief periods, or those with poor impulse control when it comes to text messaging? It takes, to use a word you've deployed, a certain level of narcissistic thinking to take that role, to think that you're so big to be the cause of unhealable pain in another person.

    Probably you've dated other people—and hurt them, and been hurt by them. But, alas, the world keeps turning, wounds heal, people move forward. For some reason with him you are choosing to half move forward, and half stay stuck. I'd shift your lens to exploring that inner conflict—what you get out of thinking you mean so much to a guy who didn't serve you—rather than this one, if that makes sense.

  7. #6
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    Why haven't you blocked him? When did you date this guy?

    I suggest you reread what you wrote, multiple times.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Kricket123
    Okay maybe I should clarify part of the issue, which is that I feel unkind and mean ignoring him if he’s hurting. And what if I was wrong? That’s my internal conflict that I keep coming up against.
    Do you usually date people like this?

    If you had blocked. you would not know that he was reaching out. if he had all of the character traits that you mentioned, I hardly think that that would be true. Good grief, you contacted a therapist, and you only dated for three months. Have you looked into co dependency for yourself? Why would you subject yourself to this again?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 01-16-2020 at 02:24 PM.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. 12 weeks is not much of an investment and this isn't about him. It's about self doubt. From your description, he sounds awful.

    If he is "hurting", he is a grown man and a can go to a doctor, therapist, bar or outlet of his choice. It's not your responsibility to fix every drinking abusive loser who happens to show up on your phone.


    Your kindness would be much better spent volunteering, teaching or taking some classes and courses, working a fun part time job and joining some clubs and groups. Reread this list of behaviors on his part.
    Originally Posted by Kricket123
    strong narcissistic behaviors on his part
    he had a huge job issue
    I suspect he drinks too much
    he’s critical,
    he blamed me for a bout of ED
    said our sexual chemistry wasn’t right

  10. #9
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    He's not hurting. His ego is bruised, that's all.

    You've given him more chances than he deserved, and your rejection is triggering his narcissism.

    Do what the others have suggested. Block him. Don't give him any way to contact you. Hopefully he'll get the message.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    If someone abandons you and the relationship, they don't get to come back and guilt you into making them feel better for their decision.

    If it had been a fabulous 3 month relationship, I might say otherwise.
    But these are the words you used to describe those 3 months with him:

    In those few months he had a huge job issue (in which he was accused of some indiscretions—hard to know if its true or not), I suspect he drinks too much, blame shifting and gaslighting during arguments, he’s critical, and he blamed me for a bout of ED and said our sexual chemistry wasn’t right and I didn’t excite him in the right way. His words never matched his actions.

    ^^ This is him at his best. He tossed you away and now he feeeels bad?
    And you somehow feel guilty for not soothing him into feeling better?

    Just stop. Thank him for letting you go.

    Narcissists always want you to want them. Doesn't mean they will reciprocate.

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