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Hi all,

 

I need some perspectives/support. About a year ago, I met a man and had a brief (3-ish months) exclusive relationship with him. I really fell for him. However, what emerged were a lot of issues, not the least of which are some strong narcissistic behaviors on his part (and I don’t throw this term around lightly—I’ve consulted with others including a therapist). In those few months he had a huge job issue (in which he was accused of some indiscretions—hard to know if its true or not), I suspect he drinks too much, blame shifting and gaslighting during arguments, he’s critical, and he blamed me for a bout of ED and said our sexual chemistry wasn’t right and I didn’t excite him in the right way. His words never matched his actions. He relied on me for emotional support but never reciprocated. He broke up with me and THEN told me he loved me. He emotionally rejected me the day I said it back to him. A total mess.

 

We broke up, which was a long drawn out process because he kept contacting despite me saying Idid not want to stay in contact. He would go from emphatically stating that he wanted to work hard on the relationship and making things better and then would not put in any effort (for instance, he didn’t want to see me after he professed that he loved me and wanted to make it work). Since then (about 6 mo later), I have gotten occasional calls and texts from him. In some, he has been both apologetic and accusatory/blaming. I have never answered them. This recent round of contact, he has been begging me to talk to him, saying he just wants to apologize because he knows how wrong he is. And that I’m really important to him, and that he misses me. Everything I read says this is simply a narcissistic attempt to hook me back in. I could block his number but in general I would rather know what’s coming into my phone.

 

I know that I can’t engage with him again. It took a while to heal and if I open that door it will not lead to anywhere good. At the same time, I find myself second guessing myself and wondering if I am misjudging him, misjudging the situations and his prior actions, and if I’m doing the right thing for myself in remaining firmly out of contact. I miss that feeling I had with him and I need to remind myself that so much crap came with it. I hate the feeling of being so tempted to respond and then having to talk myself out of it.

 

Can anyone offer some words of wisdom?

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Okay maybe I should clarify part of the issue, which is that I feel unkind and mean ignoring him if he’s hurting. And what if I was wrong? That’s my internal conflict that I keep coming up against.

 

I'd try to think about this from the bigger picture. Like this: you are a human being, living the one life you get to live, and at least in theory you want to spend that life connecting to people who serve you well. On that journey you engaged in a toxic relationship for 90 days. Happens. That's the nuts and bolts of the story—one playing out in millions of lives daily—and it doesn't need to be more complicated.

 

Human beings spend a lot of their lives hurting. Do you feel it is your role to soothe them all, or those you've known and half-connected with for only very brief periods, or those with poor impulse control when it comes to text messaging? It takes, to use a word you've deployed, a certain level of narcissistic thinking to take that role, to think that you're so big to be the cause of unhealable pain in another person.

 

Probably you've dated other people—and hurt them, and been hurt by them. But, alas, the world keeps turning, wounds heal, people move forward. For some reason with him you are choosing to half move forward, and half stay stuck. I'd shift your lens to exploring that inner conflict—what you get out of thinking you mean so much to a guy who didn't serve you—rather than this one, if that makes sense.

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Okay maybe I should clarify part of the issue, which is that I feel unkind and mean ignoring him if he’s hurting. And what if I was wrong? That’s my internal conflict that I keep coming up against.

 

Do you usually date people like this?

 

If you had blocked. you would not know that he was reaching out. if he had all of the character traits that you mentioned, I hardly think that that would be true. Good grief, you contacted a therapist, and you only dated for three months. Have you looked into co dependency for yourself? Why would you subject yourself to this again?

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Sorry to hear this. 12 weeks is not much of an investment and this isn't about him. It's about self doubt. From your description, he sounds awful.

 

If he is "hurting", he is a grown man and a can go to a doctor, therapist, bar or outlet of his choice. It's not your responsibility to fix every drinking abusive loser who happens to show up on your phone.

 

 

Your kindness would be much better spent volunteering, teaching or taking some classes and courses, working a fun part time job and joining some clubs and groups. Reread this list of behaviors on his part.

strong narcissistic behaviors on his part

he had a huge job issue

I suspect he drinks too much

he’s critical,

he blamed me for a bout of ED

said our sexual chemistry wasn’t right

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If someone abandons you and the relationship, they don't get to come back and guilt you into making them feel better for their decision.

 

If it had been a fabulous 3 month relationship, I might say otherwise.

But these are the words you used to describe those 3 months with him:

 

In those few months he had a huge job issue (in which he was accused of some indiscretions—hard to know if its true or not), I suspect he drinks too much, blame shifting and gaslighting during arguments, he’s critical, and he blamed me for a bout of ED and said our sexual chemistry wasn’t right and I didn’t excite him in the right way. His words never matched his actions.

 

^^ This is him at his best. He tossed you away and now he feeeels bad?

And you somehow feel guilty for not soothing him into feeling better?

 

Just stop. Thank him for letting you go.

 

Narcissists always want you to want them. Doesn't mean they will reciprocate.

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@reinvent: entirely different guy. That was just a brief fling.

 

Thanks all. I feel hooked still by that feeling of an intense connection and I felt chemistry that was rare. He love bombed me a bit in the beginning and made me feel like what we had was special. That’s what makes this hard when he reaches out again like this. But rational me knows nothing good comes of it.

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I feel hooked still by that feeling of an intense connection and I felt chemistry that was rare. He love bombed me a bit in the beginning and made me feel like what we had was special. That’s what makes this hard when he reaches out again like this. But rational me knows nothing good comes of it.

 

I get it.

 

That said, it really might be worth exploring your headspace surrounding this, because at this point (356 days after a 90 day thing) you are choosing to hold onto a story much the way he is, exhibiting similar traits that bother you in him: self-generated feeling, fantastical thinking. You're choosing to stay in contact, even if it's just passive, which is to say you're choosing to let the story beat out reality. That tells me that you enjoy these occasional messages from him and what they offer: the adrenaline shot of feeling, more grist for that story, the feeling of mattering so much to someone that they can't help but reach out with lofty sentiments from time to time. In short, it feels good, kind of like a drug, probably the way he gets a little hit off the emotional pipe in reaching out. But, also like drugs, there are drawbacks—namely that you don't get to live fully in reality.

 

Break those three months down and, by the sounds of it, you can extract 2 or 3 genuinely fun weeks? When that's all you got, you're kind of discrediting the concept of an "intense connection." It's kind of the opposite, no? A momentarily fierce connection—hot sex before the ED kicked in, starry eyes before the storm came—that turned sideways quick and, ultimately, offered you very little. Subtract the story from your mind and how much excitement did this connection deliver?

 

Sometimes it's easier to cling to an idea than face why we're clinging to that idea. But to really separate from him you have to see the spot in you that is similar, and then stop giving it power.

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@reinvent: entirely different guy. That was just a brief fling.

 

Thanks all. I feel hooked still by that feeling of an intense connection and I felt chemistry that was rare. He love bombed me a bit in the beginning and made me feel like what we had was special. That’s what makes this hard when he reaches out again like this. But rational me knows nothing good comes of it.

 

If he is indeed a narcissist, it's common to experience intense feelings with him.

That and a 3 month relationship is typically still in the honeymoon phase. You are still experiencing that high and when it ends, it's a long way to fall.

Add in the touch of unrequited love. It's no wonder you feel the pull, but don't be tempted.

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My ex lied, cheated and hid things from me so I left him. For FIVE YEARS he begged me for another chance, claiming he realized he truly loved me. So I went back.

 

He then proceeded (after a 3 month honeymoon period ) to lie, cheat and hide things from me. I gathered the strength to leave him for 2 months, then after he persisted I (foolishly ) returned for round 3. Guess what he did? Yep, lied, cheated and hid things from me!

 

When I tearfully asked him why, he said "well, you know what I'm like and you keep coming back. I figured you like being treated like that".

 

You go back for round 3 and he'll figure you're so hung up on him you'll put up with whatever he dishes out. He'll figure you like being treated like that.

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“I could block his number but in general I would rather know what’s coming into my phone.”

 

Why?

 

I think you like the attention which in this case can lead to a place you don’t want to be. Block him, and forget this guy or you’ll be back here some time in the future reading these posts, wondering why you didn’t take the advice given on this forum.

 

Be kind to yourself. Good luck.

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GASLIGHTING. Run for the hills! :eek:

 

I've been on the receiving end of gaslighting all my life. Beware of gaslighters!

 

Listen to common sense. You deserve to be treated with utmost respect and honor. Ditch the guy for good (as in permanently). Splash some cold water on your face and wake up. Be logical. You need to dump him.

 

In order to let go, send him one last, FINAL message or text: "With all due respect, I do not wish to remain in contact with you anymore. It's time to go our separate ways. I wish you well. Sincerely, Your Name." End it like that and if he does not comply nor cooperate with your request, then ghost, block and delete him in that order. End it graciously and peacefully. You'll be OK.

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I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it can be tough to navigate break ups. In my own experience with break ups, it was much healthier for me and the other person to completely stop and block all forms of communication - including seeing each other's profiles on social media. It was definitely hard at first, but well worth it to allow space and time to heal and gain a clear perspective, ultimately serving us both better. With time, I was able to see a lot of compromises I made for the relationship and consult trusted friends and family for guidance and accountability.

If this guy is having issues, could it be that continuing to engage with him would actually be enabling those habits to continue? What would it look like to spend the next few weeks focusing on investing in yourself and growing to be the best you can be? Seems like you have a great head on your shoulders. I will be keeping you in thoughts and prayers and wish you the best moving forward!

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