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Thread: Can we improve “physical chemistry“?

  1. #1
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    Can we improve “physical chemistry“?

    I had been dating this woman for about a month and overall things seemed great. Then, she started pulling the slow fade act on me. I eventually sent her a very direct text just asking if she wanted to see me again or not. She apologized for slow fading and upon me further questioning her she said there wasn’t physical chemistry. She didn’t specify why exactly. I don’t necessarily disagree with her that the sex/make outs could have been better, but often times I find those things get a lot better over time.

    On our second date, when we made out it definitely came across my mind that “crap, she’s a bad kisser.” In general, I found her body language to be closed off/distant and she never reciprocated any flirtatious touches with me. Honestly, I was shocked on the third date when she came back to my place. Eventually, she altered her body language enough to give some space to make a move. The make out got me really aroused and unfortunately the sex didn’t last very long as I hadn’t been with anyone since my last LTR 6 months before.

    I game planned better for the next date. Again, she came back to my place. Made out again, I fingered her for a long time exploring different areas and she seemed to have several orgasms after she seemed to respond well to g spot stimulation. (That being said, sometimes I find it hard to know for certain when a woman had an orgasm, women have so much variation compared to men). We then had intercourse which lasted a normal time. She wasn’t really active during either of these processes, she didn’t say anything(such as ooh right there, faster, harder, etc), suggest a position, or move my hand to a preferred location. She kind of just laid there and I did everything. I prefer a woman who engages more.

    After a lengthy discussion about how I sincerely like her, she agreed to give things another try. Now, I have a few days to prepare. She didn’t go into detail about what seemed off. I thought about just trying to talk openly about her preferences. I also decided I would ignore her standoffish body language and take control. What do y’all think? Is there any way to salvage this? I do sincerely like her and was so disappointed when this all came about.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately it sounds like the lack of physical chemistry went both ways. If she gives you another change, do not take her back to your place again for a hookup. Take her out on a real date. She may be turned off by the lack of romance and too much emphasis on getting laid. It sounds like she is just not that into you.
    Originally Posted by dmveep
    she said there wasn’t physical chemistry. I prefer a woman who engages more. After a lengthy discussion about how I sincerely like her, she agreed to give things another try.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately it sounds like the lack of physical chemistry went both ways. If she gives you another change, do not take her back to your place again for a hookup. Take her out on a real date. She may be turned off by the lack of romance and too much emphasis on getting laid. It sounds like she is just not that into you.
    During the closing convo, she said she would have hooked up on the second date, even though her body language said otherwise.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok that one takes the head on your shoulders to decipher.
    Originally Posted by dmveep
    During the closing convo, she said she would have hooked up on the second date, even though her body language said otherwise.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I agree that this just sounds like a lack of chemistry on this front. Can I ask how old you both are? Don't want to make assumptions, but I do have some more thoughts about this, what's going on.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I agree that this just sounds like a lack of chemistry on this front. Can I ask how old you both are? Don't want to make assumptions, but I do have some more thoughts about this, what's going on.
    We are both mid 30s.

    Honestly, I feel pretty crushed right now. I now things could have been better in that department, but is there any way to fix it now that there has been some degree of communication?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You'll get different thoughts on this topic.

    Personally? I'm not much interested in trying to "fix" anything with someone I've just met, particularly in this department. That's the language for a few years down the line, when you have enough history with someone to know that things can be amazing. There's an actual foundation to reaffirm, rather than an aspirational one to will into existence. I like amazing, organic sex and I also like long, circuitous, challenging talks about literature and life. So if after 5 dates I was having amazing sex with someone who only wanted to talk about golf or hair extensions afterward—well, I wouldn't try to "fix" it, you know? That's just me, how I operate. I don't want romance to feel like putting together Legos.

    That said, nothing wrong with exploring a little more, remaining curious, and maybe if you can think of it along those lines—a celebration of curiosity—it becomes less pressurized, less cataclysmic, less "crushing." Perhaps some internal awkwardness in both of you fades, and things get sparkly, perhaps not. That's really all it is at this stage, even if everything was clicking into place: getting to know someone, seeing if you gel, accepting that all outcomes are okay. It's not about forcing connection and chemistry though careful "game planning," after all, but searching for the right match, which is someone with whom it flows without a plan.

    I get the feeling that you're a bit too hung up on things in this "department," maybe generally? Kind of sounds like she is too, which is where this might be a questionable chemistry experiment: two people in their own heads, struggling to access their bodies authentically. Or maybe just two people who speak different languages physically, which is okay. You're not competing in a competition where having a girlfriend gets you first prize, but simply living your life and looking for someone you click with, and who clicks with you. Remind yourself of that, and let that guide you on your next date. That way, wherever it goes is exactly where it's supposed to go.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is there an issue with premature ejaculation or ED? It may be nerves, but because you are much older than a teen, get an evaluation from a physician.
    Originally Posted by dmveep
    unfortunately the sex didn’t last very long

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Apparently you both enjoy each others personalities, since you're disappointed in the outcome, and she stuck it out for a month, despite the bad kissing and dissatisfying sex.

    If she really thought the effort was worth it, she would have communicated if she wanted something specific in bed to improve things, or would have directed you, as you wished. Instead, she wanted your relationship to fade away and lacked the guts to be upfront with you. Sounds like she lacks a spine and your lengthy conversation about liking her wore her down and she agreed to another date, likely to appease you. I don't have much hope for the success of this mismatch, unfortunately.

    I've had at least one similar experience, where I found a guy's brain to be so interesting, and he was hilarious. I never could however, get a good comfort level in his presence and there was a dealbreaker in what he wanted where sex was concerned.

    The point of dating is to let the people go who don't match you in a major way, before you get really invested. A good way to think of it is, if you're hoping for change to be happy, you're wasting your time. What you see is what you get.

    There are other cute, fun women ready to date you who will match you in every major way. You have to be single to meet the right one, however.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I've often found the sex with a new partner to be somewhat awkward. You are too much in your head, overthinking and you don't quite know what makes the other person tick yet. You aren't quite vulnerable with each other yet to let it all out either.

    I'd be patient and enjoy unfolding things as they come.
    As you've already experienced, there was an improvement each time. She may not be the right person for you, but you don't always know 2 times in.

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