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Thread: Can we improve ďphysical chemistryď?

  1. #71
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    I just feel like I'm never going to get this right. How do people stay patient when there is constant struggles? I've just been on so many dates, so many misses.
    I found it very challenging but kept my eye on the prize. Never ever would I have bothered for all those years if the prize wasn't totally worth it. It was. I'm glad I stuck it out. I know it's hard and I wish you all the best.

  2. #72
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I found it very challenging but kept my eye on the prize. Never ever would I have bothered for all those years if the prize wasn't totally worth it. It was. I'm glad I stuck it out. I know it's hard and I wish you all the best.
    Maybe itís just the cumulative load of things not working out over and over again, but the sting of this just really feels terrible.

    I mean, how bad does it feel to discuss how frustrating dating can be when people do things like ghost and slow fade, only to have that person come back and do it to you?? I just canít think of a situation that could be more demoralizing.

    I donít know why keep thinking about this. I mean she treated me like crap, then I begged for another date. How could I feel anymore hopeless? Maybe to preserve my self-respect it would be better to call it off?

    I mean, is there any chance sheís going to change her tune?

  3. #73
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    See, that's what many of us are trying to tell you.

    Why put so much thought, emotion and effort into a woman who would have to "change her tune" to be the right woman for you?

    How about taking a better chance of meeting a woman who won't need to "change her tune" for you because she'll already be playing the same tune you are?

    I don't get why you're putting yourself through this except you have some (IMO, unhealthy) need to prove something. To whom (you or her), I don't know. But you're sure throwing yourself into the wringer here.

  4. #74
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    Maybe itís just the cumulative load of things not working out over and over again, but the sting of this just really feels terrible.

    I mean, how bad does it feel to discuss how frustrating dating can be when people do things like ghost and slow fade, only to have that person come back and do it to you?? I just canít think of a situation that could be more demoralizing.

    I donít know why keep thinking about this. I mean she treated me like crap, then I begged for another date. How could I feel anymore hopeless? Maybe to preserve my self-respect it would be better to call it off?

    I mean, is there any chance sheís going to change her tune?
    What is the timeline, exactly, of the slow fade? You wrote about this in the earlier post, at which point it had been 24 hours since you heard from her. I'm assuming another day or so passed, after which you sent the direct message that led to this talk that led to these spins? Just trying to see the full picture.

    Anyhow, I can't help but feel, if we strip this to the bone, that what you're disappointed with is that this woman is not obsessed with you, super into you, even though you have yet to become super into her. I don't mean that critically, just observationally.

    She didn't ghost you, after all, didn't really mess with you. She spent some time with you, perhaps around 10-15 hours spread out over 4 dates? She was physically intimate with you, went a little quiet afterward. Was probably sorting through thoughts, feelings, and who knows what else is going on her life. When you chose to make your discomfort crystal clear, she met you on that plane, and respectfully told you that she wasn't sure about things.

    Nothing wrong with still wanting to see her, still being curious, and expressing that. Just as there would be nothing wrong with having zero interest in her at that point. Still, you did not "beg." You were just you: door still opened. She listened. Maybe what you said, in combo with those 10-15 hours, moved her needle a bit, and she opted for another date. And all that is "hopeless" and "demoralizing"? And now you're thinking of canceling to preserve self-respect?

    I don't get it. That sounds to me like you're looking to punish her for a series of choices you've made that have left you feeling punished.

    Is there a chance she changes her tune? Well, sure. It happens. You have a 3.5 year relationship that unspooled because a woman "changed her tune" about you, no? But like bolt, I don't quite understand why this has become the most pressing question. Your own tune on her was unclear, lacking harmony. Do you want her to be super into you so you can more clearly decide if you're into her?

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  6. #75
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    Maybe itís just the cumulative load of things not working out over and over again, but the sting of this just really feels terrible.

    I mean, how bad does it feel to discuss how frustrating dating can be when people do things like ghost and slow fade, only to have that person come back and do it to you?? I just canít think of a situation that could be more demoralizing.

    I donít know why keep thinking about this. I mean she treated me like crap, then I begged for another date. How could I feel anymore hopeless? Maybe to preserve my self-respect it would be better to call it off?

    I mean, is there any chance sheís going to change her tune?
    What do you mean by "things not working out" -after a very short time of dating there's nothing that's not "working out" because you weren't yet at the "working" stage - yes, if you're in an exclusive, committed serious relationship for months and you break up then things didn't "work out" because there was a "thing" that didn't work out. At this really early stage you two weren't yet a thing -a couple -it's simply run of the mill simple dating where one person early on decides against another date. Happens all the time -disappointing for sure but so common! No fade, no ghosting because there wasn't anything to fade or ghost from.

  7. #76
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    See, that's what many of us are trying to tell you.

    Why put so much thought, emotion and effort into a woman who would have to "change her tune" to be the right woman for you?

    How about taking a better chance of meeting a woman who won't need to "change her tune" for you because she'll already be playing the same tune you are?

    I don't get why you're putting yourself through this except you have some (IMO, unhealthy) need to prove something. To whom (you or her), I don't know. But you're sure throwing yourself into the wringer here.
    I went ahead and cancelled. Thanks everyone for all your thoughts. I know this is the right decision. Even though Iím bummed at the moment, no one deserves the slow fade treatment, that alone is reason enough not to even consider being friends with this person.

    Lots of lessons learned here. I really appreciate everyone taking their time to give thoughts and analogies. I think those will help guide the future.

  8. #77
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    I went ahead and cancelled. Thanks everyone for all your thoughts. I know this is the right decision. Even though Iím bummed at the moment, no one deserves the slow fade treatment, that alone is reason enough not to even consider being friends with this person.

    Lots of lessons learned here. I really appreciate everyone taking their time to give thoughts and analogies. I think those will help guide the future.
    I agree you shouldn't be friends -there's no basis for one especially since you'd still be attracted to her and you likely wouldn't want to chat about who she's dating, right? I think she was on the fence about how to proceed. I don't think she intentionally treated you badly -you chose to get over invested early on so your expectations of what would happen were a bit unrealistic this early on in dating. I understand she acknowledged the slow fade and understand that after only a month you chose to continue texting her even though she wasn't responding and you insisted on a "reason" rather than simply accepting that a person who is interested in dating you will respond to a text in a reasonable period of time, and with enthusiasm. So she felt she needed to be open about the reason and a lack of physical chemistry is an excellent reason to stop dating someone.

  9. #78
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    If you already know having sex right away makes you attached, of course I'm sure you'll be more careful going forward.

    No need to get yourself overly attached to someone who is possibly not right for you.

  10. #79
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    What is the timeline, exactly, of the slow fade? You wrote about this in the earlier post, at which point it had been 24 hours since you heard from her. I'm assuming another day or so passed, after which you sent the direct message that led to this talk that led to these spins? Just trying to see the full picture.

    Anyhow, I can't help but feel, if we strip this to the bone, that what you're disappointed with is that this woman is not obsessed with you, super into you, even though you have yet to become super into her. I don't mean that critically, just observationally.

    She didn't ghost you, after all, didn't really mess with you. She spent some time with you, perhaps around 10-15 hours spread out over 4 dates? She was physically intimate with you, went a little quiet afterward. Was probably sorting through thoughts, feelings, and who knows what else is going on her life. When you chose to make your discomfort crystal clear, she met you on that plane, and respectfully told you that she wasn't sure about things.

    Nothing wrong with still wanting to see her, still being curious, and expressing that. Just as there would be nothing wrong with having zero interest in her at that point. Still, you did not "beg." You were just you: door still opened. She listened. Maybe what you said, in combo with those 10-15 hours, moved her needle a bit, and she opted for another date. And all that is "hopeless" and "demoralizing"? And now you're thinking of canceling to preserve self-respect?

    I don't get it. That sounds to me like you're looking to punish her for a series of choices you've made that have left you feeling punished.

    Is there a chance she changes her tune? Well, sure. It happens. You have a 3.5 year relationship that unspooled because a woman "changed her tune" about you, no? But like bolt, I don't quite understand why this has become the most pressing question. Your own tune on her was unclear, lacking harmony. Do you want her to be super into you so you can more clearly decide if you're into her?
    I just donít want to continue on with someone who is only half in. The last date we had was after the slow fade behavior started, which was a marked decrease in her communication and a non-committal response to my date requests. Itís happened several times to me, so I knew when I saw it. Slow fades usually do involve some level of internal conflict, but itís always a sign of things turning for the worse. She went from responding to my date requests nearly instantly to not responding to them at all, pretty air tight case. She knew she was guilty of it and apologized. You know it happens and itís ok. Thatís why I just send people an ultimatum type text. It gets you what you need but not really what you want most of the time.

    Looking back, it wasnít really very fun. The conversation was stilted, she didnít seem particularly engaged, she was even more standoffish than before. Things were already dead in the water. I donít need a repeat of that.

    She was just not F*** Yeah about me, which is fine. It was an important lesson I forgot about from Mark Manson
    [Register to see the link]

    Itís best to get a f*** yes or no from a person. Limbo is crap

  11. #80
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    I just donít want to continue on with someone who is only half in. The last date we had was after the slow fade behavior started, which was a marked decrease in her communication and a non-committal response to my date requests. Itís happened several times to me, so I knew when I saw it. Slow fades usually do involve some level of internal conflict, but itís always a sign of things turning for the worse. She went from responding to my date requests nearly instantly to not responding to them at all, pretty air tight case. She knew she was guilty of it and apologized. You know it happens and itís ok. Thatís why I just send people an ultimatum type text. It gets you what you need but not really what you want most of the time.

    Looking back, it wasnít really very fun. The conversation was stilted, she didnít seem particularly engaged, she was even more standoffish than before. Things were already dead in the water. I donít need a repeat of that.

    She was just not F*** Yeah about me, which is fine. It was an important lesson I forgot about from Mark Manson
    [Register to see the link]

    Itís best to get a f*** yes or no from a person. Limbo is crap
    But why is it a guilt thing? Unless she owed you a response about a plan or promised to respond why can't you simply accept that behavior as a lack of interest from a new person -and just let it go - why confront the person unless you think you did something wrong/to offend the person? Just accept that if someone wants another date with you that person will ask you out or accept a date with enthusiasm. The end.

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