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Can we improve “physical chemistry“?


dmveep

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I had been dating this woman for about a month and overall things seemed great. Then, she started pulling the slow fade act on me. I eventually sent her a very direct text just asking if she wanted to see me again or not. She apologized for slow fading and upon me further questioning her she said there wasn’t physical chemistry. She didn’t specify why exactly. I don’t necessarily disagree with her that the sex/make outs could have been better, but often times I find those things get a lot better over time.

 

On our second date, when we made out it definitely came across my mind that “crap, she’s a bad kisser.” In general, I found her body language to be closed off/distant and she never reciprocated any flirtatious touches with me. Honestly, I was shocked on the third date when she came back to my place. Eventually, she altered her body language enough to give some space to make a move. The make out got me really aroused and unfortunately the sex didn’t last very long as I hadn’t been with anyone since my last LTR 6 months before.

 

I game planned better for the next date. Again, she came back to my place. Made out again, I fingered her for a long time exploring different areas and she seemed to have several orgasms after she seemed to respond well to g spot stimulation. (That being said, sometimes I find it hard to know for certain when a woman had an orgasm, women have so much variation compared to men). We then had intercourse which lasted a normal time. She wasn’t really active during either of these processes, she didn’t say anything(such as ooh right there, faster, harder, etc), suggest a position, or move my hand to a preferred location. She kind of just laid there and I did everything. I prefer a woman who engages more.

 

After a lengthy discussion about how I sincerely like her, she agreed to give things another try. Now, I have a few days to prepare. She didn’t go into detail about what seemed off. I thought about just trying to talk openly about her preferences. I also decided I would ignore her standoffish body language and take control. What do y’all think? Is there any way to salvage this? I do sincerely like her and was so disappointed when this all came about.

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Unfortunately it sounds like the lack of physical chemistry went both ways. If she gives you another change, do not take her back to your place again for a hookup. Take her out on a real date. She may be turned off by the lack of romance and too much emphasis on getting laid. It sounds like she is just not that into you.

she said there wasn’t physical chemistry. I prefer a woman who engages more. After a lengthy discussion about how I sincerely like her, she agreed to give things another try.
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Unfortunately it sounds like the lack of physical chemistry went both ways. If she gives you another change, do not take her back to your place again for a hookup. Take her out on a real date. She may be turned off by the lack of romance and too much emphasis on getting laid. It sounds like she is just not that into you.

During the closing convo, she said she would have hooked up on the second date, even though her body language said otherwise.

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I agree that this just sounds like a lack of chemistry on this front. Can I ask how old you both are? Don't want to make assumptions, but I do have some more thoughts about this, what's going on.

 

We are both mid 30s.

 

Honestly, I feel pretty crushed right now. I now things could have been better in that department, but is there any way to fix it now that there has been some degree of communication?

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You'll get different thoughts on this topic.

 

Personally? I'm not much interested in trying to "fix" anything with someone I've just met, particularly in this department. That's the language for a few years down the line, when you have enough history with someone to know that things can be amazing. There's an actual foundation to reaffirm, rather than an aspirational one to will into existence. I like amazing, organic sex and I also like long, circuitous, challenging talks about literature and life. So if after 5 dates I was having amazing sex with someone who only wanted to talk about golf or hair extensions afterward—well, I wouldn't try to "fix" it, you know? That's just me, how I operate. I don't want romance to feel like putting together Legos.

 

That said, nothing wrong with exploring a little more, remaining curious, and maybe if you can think of it along those lines—a celebration of curiosity—it becomes less pressurized, less cataclysmic, less "crushing." Perhaps some internal awkwardness in both of you fades, and things get sparkly, perhaps not. That's really all it is at this stage, even if everything was clicking into place: getting to know someone, seeing if you gel, accepting that all outcomes are okay. It's not about forcing connection and chemistry though careful "game planning," after all, but searching for the right match, which is someone with whom it flows without a plan.

 

I get the feeling that you're a bit too hung up on things in this "department," maybe generally? Kind of sounds like she is too, which is where this might be a questionable chemistry experiment: two people in their own heads, struggling to access their bodies authentically. Or maybe just two people who speak different languages physically, which is okay. You're not competing in a competition where having a girlfriend gets you first prize, but simply living your life and looking for someone you click with, and who clicks with you. Remind yourself of that, and let that guide you on your next date. That way, wherever it goes is exactly where it's supposed to go.

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Apparently you both enjoy each others personalities, since you're disappointed in the outcome, and she stuck it out for a month, despite the bad kissing and dissatisfying sex.

 

If she really thought the effort was worth it, she would have communicated if she wanted something specific in bed to improve things, or would have directed you, as you wished. Instead, she wanted your relationship to fade away and lacked the guts to be upfront with you. Sounds like she lacks a spine and your lengthy conversation about liking her wore her down and she agreed to another date, likely to appease you. I don't have much hope for the success of this mismatch, unfortunately.

 

I've had at least one similar experience, where I found a guy's brain to be so interesting, and he was hilarious. I never could however, get a good comfort level in his presence and there was a dealbreaker in what he wanted where sex was concerned.

 

The point of dating is to let the people go who don't match you in a major way, before you get really invested. A good way to think of it is, if you're hoping for change to be happy, you're wasting your time. What you see is what you get.

 

There are other cute, fun women ready to date you who will match you in every major way. You have to be single to meet the right one, however.

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I've often found the sex with a new partner to be somewhat awkward. You are too much in your head, overthinking and you don't quite know what makes the other person tick yet. You aren't quite vulnerable with each other yet to let it all out either.

 

I'd be patient and enjoy unfolding things as they come.

As you've already experienced, there was an improvement each time. She may not be the right person for you, but you don't always know 2 times in.

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I would move on - if she's already doing a slow fade after this short a time and saying it's about chemistry it's a non starter. I do think that if you'd waited to have sex until you knew each other better then if it was awkward you could have talked about it more/been more committed to working on things. But this early on - I wouldn't. Agree with Andrina. I am sorry -this is disappointing I'm sure.

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she said there wasn’t physical chemistry

 

- This means she's not attracted to you / not falling in love with you.

 

While she may continue to see you - because she does not have another love interest on the horizon - you are wasting your time and opening yourself up for more rejection and pain.

 

Time to look for a new lady to date.

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I've often found the sex with a new partner to be somewhat awkward. You are too much in your head, overthinking and you don't quite know what makes the other person tick yet. You aren't quite vulnerable with each other yet to let it all out either.

 

I'd be patient and enjoy unfolding things as they come.

As you've already experienced, there was an improvement each time. She may not be the right person for you, but you don't always know 2 times in.

Thanks. I’m just not sure where to go from here.

 

She told me she was really on the fence about it. She was wondering whether things would improve over time but didn’t necessarily want to waste too much time of things weren’t going to change.

 

I just don’t know what to do different when I don’t know exactly what she didn’t like???

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She told me she was really on the fence about it. She was wondering whether things would improve over time but didn’t necessarily want to waste too much time of things weren’t going to change.

 

I just don’t know what to do different when I don’t know exactly what she didn’t like???

 

Oh . . that's not the best news to hear. Just be you. If it isn't her cup of tea, then find someone who is.

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Is there an issue with premature ejaculation or ED? It may be nerves, but because you are much older than a teen, get an evaluation from a physician.

 

This did happen the first go around, at least statistically shorter than the 5 minute average out there.

 

Unfortunately, I ran into almost the exact situation about 3 years ago. It was my first intimate experience after a relationship ended. I was dating a woman for a similar amount of time. They had similar personality characteristics: somewhat cold personalities, very independent, workaholic types. Sex came on unexpectedly. Kissing/making out was not great from my perspective. They both slow faded.

 

I do think if I haven’t got to a point where I feel really comfortable with someone the sex can be underwhelming. There were definitely aspects of her personality I hadn’t fully become comfortable with yet. Perhaps her lack of warm personality, lack of flirtatious touching, and unexpected nature of the physical aspect made me uncomfortable and that translated to the physical aspects.

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She told me she was really on the fence about it.

 

- that means you are in the freindszone.

 

Be warned, some women will continue to date a man they approve of, waiting for a spark that never happens. Approval is not love. In the process, you will waste money, time, and suffer the pain of rejection.

 

Always try to drop them before they drop you - it hurts less. Smart dating is knowing when to cut your losses, and minimizing rejection.

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- that means you are in the freindszone.

 

Be warned, some women will continue to date a man they approve of, waiting for a spark that never happens. Approval is not love. In the process, you will waste money, time, and suffer the pain of rejection.

 

Always try to drop them before they drop you - it hurts less. Smart dating is knowing when to cut your losses, and minimizing rejection.

 

uhhhmmm, I beg to differ here. I've dated men where I didn't feel that instant spark. I gave it a chance and was glad I did.

You leave when you feel it isn't viable, but not as a preemptive strike.

Trust that you have enough confidence to put yourself out there and not play the chicken game of `who gotcha first'

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- that means you are in the freindszone.

 

Be warned, some women will continue to date a man they approve of, waiting for a spark that never happens. Approval is not love. In the process, you will waste money, time, and suffer the pain of rejection.

 

Always try to drop them before they drop you - it hurts less. Smart dating is knowing when to cut your losses, and minimizing rejection.

 

I don’t know. I’ve had a few situations that seemed highly discouraging turn out great, had a fair number that didn’t too.

 

Rejection is not a bad thing, but being in limbo is a bad thing.

 

I just can’t help but feel inadequate here. I mean it really sucks having everything else seem to be clicking on all cylinders, have no communication about something, and get dropped like a ton of bricks.

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Oh . . that's not the best news to hear. Just be you. If it isn't her cup of tea, then find someone who is.

 

We only had sex twice. She didn’t communicate anything or do anything, I was the only one doing anything.

 

Unfortunately, women are a bit more complicated. I’ve dated multiple women that couldn’t get off from vaginal sex, and they told me straight away. I learned a lot of manual/oral pleasure techniques with them. I always make an effort to figure out what works for them, but if they say nothing and do nothing, not really sure how to crack that code.

 

It kind of just seems like a situation of the expectation of mind reading, then getting upset when telepathy is not understood.

 

She definitely mentioned that she was uncomfortable with confrontation and was a poor decision maker.

 

Ultimately, do I need to beat myself up about this?

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I also don't subscribe to Gary's drop 'em before they drop you approach. Good for the pride and ego, I suppose, but if connection is the end goal it sounds a bit like tying your feet together before the marathon.

 

And, no, don't beat yourself up for this. Can't help but feel that's something you're predisposed to do, maybe particularly on this front. If so, and if this is a woman already triggering that instinct—well, that's a compatibility thing. It's kind of like not quite speaking the same language.

 

I'd really try to remind yourself that there is no bad outcome at this stage. If you have a great date coming up, and things start sizzling again? Wonderful. If it's a date needed to confirm the sizzle isn't there? Just as fine. This isn't a court of law, with verdicts being issued. It's just looking for someone you click with. If it's not her, it's okay.

 

And from what you're describing? It very well might not be her. Imagine having the exact same sexual experiences with a woman who, afterward, was simply excited to see you again, to explore the beautiful awkwardness of early intimacy a bit more, along with learning more about you and what makes you tick outside the bedroom. That's hardly a pipe dream, but a pretty decent baseline for wanting to continue. Feeling chastised, emasculated, and like a code cracker? Hard for me to understand wanting to continue feeling like that.

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Ultimately, do I need to beat myself up about this?

 

No!

I can only speak for myself and honestly it would take you several times to figure me out, sexually speaking. I am not one to go all porno on you the first time. Lol.

 

I am also not surprised when a man stumbles the first time. I often feel some compassion because I may be stumbling too, but as nature would have it, it's not as apparent as it is with a man. I chalk it up to nerves . .and it's to be expected. I chose to look at nerves as a compliment of sorts.

 

I need to work on feeling vulnerable and safe and to get to know your style. That doesn't happen (for me) the first couple times.

 

It's like learning a dance with a new partner. You rarely, if ever nail it the first time.

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No!

I can only speak for myself and honestly it would take you several times to figure me out, sexually speaking. I am not one to go all porno on you the first time. Lol.

 

I am also not surprised when a man stumbles the first time. I often feel some compassion because I may be stumbling too, but as nature would have it, it's not as apparent as it is with a man. I chalk it up to nerves . .and it's to be expected. I chose to look at nerves as a compliment of sorts.

 

I need to work on feeling vulnerable and safe and to get to know your style. That doesn't happen (for me) the first couple times.

 

It's like learning a dance with a new partner. You rarely, if ever nail it the first time.

 

Thanks a lot. This was really helpful, and generally how I’ve felt in the past.

 

I’m just feel so hurt and inadequate right now. It’s so rare that I actually meet someone I genuinely like and it seemed like things were mutual.

 

I just feel low knowing that despite all the positives about me that I could be written off on such a whim, especially without any communication/conversation. The same thing happened during the incident a few years ago. The person just blew me off instead of trying to even talk about it.

 

It’s just so confusing, clearly this bothered her but she was wondering if she should give it more time. I still feel like this doesn’t make her slow fading behavior look or feel any better. What does that behavior show about her? Would it just happen again?

 

How can I possibly move forward with seeing her again? Should I try to do something different and hope for the best?...

 

Or should I do what I’m supposed to do and be myself and hope for the best?

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In between all of this is there any initiation on her part? Is she attempting to meet you half way?

 

You keep referring to the slow fade, but wasn't that happening before you slept with her and then slept with her again?

I mean she's giving it a chance and even came back for more.

 

Don't do anything different. Just be you. If you think she's interested and I'm hoping she's doing something, anything to show you a sign that she is, then ask her out. Just be yourself and if it still feels off or strained, then let it go.

 

Don't take it personally. Attraction is fickle that way. No doubt you've met lovely women and for what ever reason that certain something wasn't there. Even if you wanted it to be you couldn't force it. It doesn't take anything away from them. The same goes for you.

 

The odds are, most people we meet are not going to be our special someone. Give yourself credit for getting out there, shake it off, take this experience with you and don't settle until the right one comes your way.

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In between all of this is there any initiation on her part? Is she attempting to meet you half way?

 

You keep referring to the slow fade, but wasn't that happening before you slept with her and then slept with her again?

I mean she's giving it a chance and even came back for more.

 

Don't do anything different. Just be you. If you think she's interested and I'm hoping she's doing something, anything to show you a sign that she is, then ask her out. Just be yourself and if it still feels off or strained, then let it go.

 

Don't take it personally. Attraction is fickle that way. No doubt you've met lovely women and for what ever reason that certain something wasn't there. Even if you wanted it to be you couldn't force it. It doesn't take anything away from them. The same goes for you.

 

I guess throughout this process I was the only one initiating things. The only difference is she initially seemed excited and quick to respond. Oddly, we even exchanged a few texts today, but all initiated by me. Honestly, that was starting to bother me, even before the fade started.

 

I guess she really hasn’t done anything along the way to show she was interested. She maybe initiated one text? Perhaps, she was just never really all that interested. The last time I saw her, I was actually not feeling great about her personality. Perhaps it was because she had previously blown me off.

 

Ugh, it does seem like it’ll be hard to remain objective or remain positive moving forward.

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