Being single in your late 20s

Hi everyone,

As you can see in my previous topics, my ex dumped me 7 months ago for the 3rd time. She already had a new boyfriend one month later. But that isn’t the reason why I am opening this topic.

Lately lots of my friends are getting engaged, buying a house, getting married, having children. While I can’t afford to buy a house yet (buying a house alone is so expensive..). I’m 28 years old and I feel like I am failing life. I just got promoted at work, but it still feels like I have failed because I’m still alone.

Don’t get me wrong. I have lots of friends, a warm family, good job, hobbies.. But I am unhappy because I want to share my life with someone.. I haven’t found anyone else yet, maybe I am too picky?

I just turned 29, I am currently single, and this is probably the best time for me. I have enough money to live comfortably, I can focus on my career, travel whenever I want to, so for me it’s about being free and not having to worry about someone else. I can also work on myself and my personal development. Yes, I do get lonely sometimes, I’ve had a few boyfriends so far, but nothing too serious (an ex-boyfriend wanted to marry me, but that’s a different story). This is ‘me time’, I’m focusing on myself and my goals, hope it doesn’t sound too selfish, and I believe I will eventually find someone who understands me and fits into my life. I have some friends, mostly back home, who are getting engaged/married, and that’s okay, I just have a different mindset I guess. What I’m trying to say is that it’s not bad/wrong to be single in your late 20s. You don’t have to get married just because your friends are doing it. I don’t know if you are too picky, there are many great articles and books out there if you want to improve your dating life.

Dude, I’m in my 30s and I’m still single. Enjoy being young, don’t let relationship pains bring you down.

Society can brainwash to in the belief that being in a relationship is the only way to win at life. And our society is so conditioned in that belief, that it causes depression and suicide in many single men, a high proportion of them in my age group 48-52.

Yes, I am single, and I think I am winning at life more now than if I was in a relationship.

Just because everyone else is leaping into marriage and kids, that doesn't need to be your path. I chose to go backpacking for more than 4 years at the age of 40 and learned how to live like a monk for a period. I now see the world and society differently because of that. I also do not suffer FOMO as I believe I am already living the best of lives. Sure, I didn't get married, sure I'm single, but I am happier than ever before and that is what is important.

Try to frame the world differently and see if anything changes, break out of the norm, take a trip out of your country for a while (especially if you are in the US, as people from the US tend to travel more internally than externally) and experience another culture, and most importantly, stop comparing your life to other peoples.

Hi everyone,

 

As you can see in my previous topics, my ex dumped me 7 months ago for the 3rd time. She already had a new boyfriend one month later. But that isn’t the reason why I am opening this topic.

 

Lately lots of my friends are getting engaged, buying a house, getting married, having children. While I can’t afford to buy a house yet (buying a house alone is so expensive..). I’m 28 years old and I feel like I am failing life. I just got promoted at work, but it still feels like I have failed because I’m still alone.

 

Don’t get me wrong. I have lots of friends, a warm family, good job, hobbies.. But I am unhappy because I want to share my life with someone.. I haven’t found anyone else yet, maybe I am too picky?

I don't think you're necessarily too picky but it's silly to compare -you have to work on allowing those feelings to exist because you feel what you feel but reacting with actions that show yourself that comparison is counterproductive. I felt that way too (and thank goodness there was no social media but it still was all around me- I still experienced so many many hurtful comments etc) -listen to the awesome Dixie Chicks song "Taking the Long Way Around" -that helped me a lot!

My husband and I married when we were 42. Had our child that year too. And we were engaged in our early 30s but it wasn't right and we broke up. We are in our early 50s now. We own a home somewhere else because of a death in the family but we haven't bought a house, I've never owned a house, don't want one. So I'm not keeping up with the JOneses in that way - I can afford a home and I choose not to buy into the whole suburban lifestyle. Never done it, don't want it, my kid is a city kid just like I was.

I didn't feel alone when I was single -I had friends, dates, volunteer work, family, work, social activities, professional activities and often boyfriends. I never told myself that I could be happy my whole life being single or not getting to try to have or adopt a child. Because it wasn't true. At all. For me. I lived my life though and didn't buy into the whole "if you're not married you're alone".

I was very proactive about husband hunting - and I had to become the right person to be the right person. I had to be in tune with what my standards and values were and open to tweaking my "musts" if it made sense. I had friends who settled. I did not which is one reason it took me so much longer.

But nip the comparison game in the bud because after you marry and have a child the comparison ridiculousness doesn't change just moves on to other topics. It's draining and not worth it.

Oh and I call it "husband hunting" because I find too many people are apologetic about wanting a marital commitment and a family like 'well.... you know it's just a piece of paper but you know I want a serious partner who I'm committed to and I want a family so..... marriage sounds like the right thing to do". I'm totally fine with people who devalue marriage or do not want marriage - but if you do, own it and don't apologize for wanting it. I wasn't brainwashed in the least. I always wanted marriage and family, still do for my own personal reasons.

I felt less free when I was single because I felt I needed to spend my limited free time looking for a partner. Yes, I have restrictions on my life now because I have a husband and child - but some are self-imposed meaning I've given up certain things I used to do because I'm happy to given what I get in return - a good marriage and getting to have a child so much later in life. I used to eat out all the time at nice restaurants at night, go dancing, stay out late, not have to plan my daily workouts around a school bus schedule, get to have a meal on my own whenever I wanted to, talk on the phone at night, not have to check in with others for non-work activities because of child care situations, etc - and those "restrictions" -bring them on. For me it couldn't be more worth it.

My son told me the other day he wants to be attached to me with superglue because duct tape isn't strong enough and he just wants to be with me. He said that at 7am about 30 minutes after getting up cranky and annoyed and mad at the world for such an early start because of school. So many examples like that -so when I get a judgey response to "well just get a sitter and meet my husband and I at this bar where there will be live music" - I might feel a twinge since it would have been a no brainer in 2008 or so but mostly I feel confident and happy to say "we don't go out late at night much. Would you like to meet for a run in the park or for lunch during the week?"

Oh and I gave up full time intense career that had its hefty dose of glamour and prestige (and hard, stressful sleep depriving work for which we were paid nicely) for part time in an area that wouldn't have been my top pick. But I LOVE my job - and love it because of the flexibility and the appreciation I get from my boss who got an overqualified person who needed the flexibility desperately. And because I feel like I'm contributing and using my brain in a different way. And now I also really enjoy the substance of my work. So yes I gave stuff up, yes I can't believe how much I appreciate sipping actually hot coffee alone sometimes or how going to a supermarket feels like a spa day - I'm not free in certain ways like a person who is single would be. But I feel a lot freer.

You are not failing at life!

These kinds of comparison fears are exactly what prompts people to make bad decisions.

Buying a house, getting married, having children are decisions that should be made and responsibilities taken, when the opportunity makes sense:

1.Marriage makes sense when you love someone and want to be married to THEM (not just married to prove you are grown up or whatever)

2. Home ownership makes sense when financially ready for the responsibility, as well as responsible enough to maintain the property. Which as you mentioned can be too much for own person

a single person can usually live more comfortably as a renter. Then use that extra income to better yourself and your life experience: travel, classes, hobbies, savings for emergencies and long term (retirement! it's never too early to put money away for retirement...)

Focus on your own goals that you define for yourself and it sounds like you have some good things going on: job, friends, family.... enjoy being young and the freedom that comes with it.

spouses & houses, when they are not right for you, can be a prison that limits your options and stiffels your happiness.

Don't let fear (fomo) drive you into a long term decision that can be costly and or painful to get out of....

have fun!

You ve only been single for 7 months. That hardly qualifies as "too picky". Plus, being a man, you don't have any biological clock ticking at this point. You still have a good decade to find a partner without having to go through all the societal crap about age imposed on women once they approach 30.

I have two sons and when they were young, I'd tell them to wait until they're 30 to get married.

The youngest married at 28 and my oldest is 33, has a newer girlfriend and is confidently moving at his own slow pace, irregardless of what's going on around him.

It's a choice on how you want to perceive it and measuring yourself against others often takes you down the wrong path.

7 months out of a relationship at 28, I think you're pretty normal and average honestly.

Enjoy this time where you aren't accountable to anyone but yourself and work on self improvement, be selfish and value it.

You'll be married one day, with a childproof house full of toys and diapers and miss this valuable time you had to yourself.

Do you want to find 'any' relationship, or do you want to hold out for the RIGHT relationship?

Finding your comfort solo is the foundation for choosing your relationships well. Being comfortable in your own skin is a worthy skill. I'd make it my goal to surprise myself with my resilience and ability to learn how to live with discomfort until I've mastered it into comfort. From there, a relationship becomes icing on the cake rather than something that's lacking. You'll avoid monkey branching from relationship to relationship just to avoid being alone. That's an advantage many people never gain.

Head high, you can do this.

Do you want to find 'any' relationship, or do you want to hold out for the RIGHT relationship?

 

Finding your comfort solo is the foundation for choosing your relationships well. Being comfortable in your own skin is a worthy skill. I'd make it my goal to surprise myself with my resilience and ability to learn how to live with discomfort until I've mastered it into comfort. From there, a relationship becomes icing on the cake rather than something that's lacking. You'll avoid monkey branching from relationship to relationship just to avoid being alone. That's an advantage many people never gain.

 

Head high, you can do this.

I wanted to add -because this was implied but not stated -if you can get comfortable in your own skin and notice your own resilience in tough times (I had to do this yesterday- yup I'm married and when I felt panicky while my husband was miles away trying to haggle with a car dealership I knew that even texting him would be a bad idea -so I called in my own internal resources and got through it) - if you can do that your partner -a healthy, loving partner will thank you and admire you even more.

...if you can get comfortable in your own skin and notice your own resilience in tough times ... a healthy, loving partner will thank you and admire you even more.

Yep. There's no hiding the vibe of desperation in trying to 'win' a new lover. That requires pasting on a personality that hides the lack of confidence lurking underneath the facade. The problem is, anybody who's healthy enough to be good relationship material can see right through that. So dating from a place that's trying to latch onto somebody to avoid being alone is a lose/lose. It attracts only people with the same motivation, and then two unhealthy people are trying to use one another to feel whole.

Those relationships fail, eventually, because nobody else can supply us with the foundation we haven't learned how to give to ourselves. When the masks come off, somebody or both people feel ripped off, and the blame starts flying and you're back in alone-soup.

So embrace being alone now, and learn how to love it. That's the self love that can withstand rejection, because all rejection means is that someone else didn't own the capacity to see and appreciate your unique value. Well? That's going to be most people, because simpatico is rare--it's supposed to be rare. If true love were not rare, what would be so special about it?

Your 20s is nothing!!! I got made single at 38 and there still options, yes less than if i was 10 years younger but honestly no need to panic.

I'd be out there meeting as many people as i could at yout age.

I got divorced in my mid 30s and it was like a freaking candy store. I was almost overwhelmed. I had been with my husband since I was a teenager and I didn't know how to date lol.

You are in your prime. If you can realize this and enjoy the cornucopia, you will find yourself having fun instead of stressing out over some arbitrary timeline.

It is easy to compare yourself to others regardless of age. Ive read people here in their teens worried if they are going to be single forever because all of their friends have partners. Then on the other side youll have people that are older wondering if they are on the right path or thinking back if their decisions were right. As long as you compare yourself to others, this will be a never ending battle.

Remember.. everyone is on their own path and there is no rule saying you have to be at point J by a certain age. Life, love, and happiness is not a race or a game. You don't get extra points for being with a GF or BF before someone else.

Your goal is to not find someone you can be with someone you can be with, its to find someone you cant be without. I can tell you a secret.. not all of your friends in a relationship are happy. Just look at the postings here on this site. Proof that being with someone equals being the happiest person I the world.

We teach people how we want to be treated by how we treat ourselves. If you don't take the time to make you happy, how would you expect someone else to make you happy? If you don't know how to make you happy, then how can you make others happy? A big part of life is knowing who you are and loving who you are. We all have our faults, we are not perfect, we all make mistakes, and that's okay.

Don't dwell on your X. They are on their own path and you wish them well and have a good life. It is time to focus in on your path, and what it takes to make you happy. Once you smile, others will take notice and be curious as to why you are so happy.