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Thread: Husbandís New Friendship

  1. #1

    Husbandís New Friendship

    This is a long one. My husband just started his
    Masters degree in NY and we live in NJ. He made one friend in class who happens to be female. No problem there, his major is more female oriented and Iím not bothered by that. What I am bothered by is this new one friend, letís call her, M, who texts him every single day. Every day. Sometimes starting at 7 or 8 AM. They havenít had one day without communication. I have seen his phone and itís all stupid . He says they talk about school and the subject they are studying. They do but there is also some personal stuff on her side. Sometimes he doesnít answer or just writes emojis but he still texts her first sometimes. Supposedly she lives with her boyfriend but texts my husband when she wakes up like ďGuess who is up without an alarm during no school.Ē Or a picture of her bed, not her, and saying ďcurrent situationĒ or random other random things like how she feels about the weather or if she is going out today. I think that is getting to the point of inappropriate. She texted him at 10 at night on Christmas Eve obviously when he was with his family and it wasnít merry Christmas because she isnít catholic. It was another stupid text, trying I believe to get his attention. They hung out once after meeting in the city and then while he was back home was texting him still. Just the other night they had an event. Ate something together after (my husband letís me know when he meets her) and then she texts him the next morning. Like what the f*ck do you still have to talk to my husband about??? Yesterday she texted him in the morning and then called him while I was driving him to the train station. He didnít answer and I asked him if he was going to call her back but He said no. I told him I thought she liked him. Like she was addicted to taking to him or communicating to him every day which is too much especially when he is home with his family. I have brought this up on numerous occasions and my husband just sees it as she is a friend who he talks to about every day things. Yes thatís his side but what about hers? I honestly think she is into him.

    My question is my husband is tired of talking about it and I donít want to keep bringing it up because it will strain us. Am I just being a hormonal pregnant woman and projecting onto this girl? I told my husband to put himself in my shoes and see if a dude was texting me all day every day no matter what the conversation was and wanting to meet up for lunch and how it would make him feel but he canít see that because it never happens to me. Iím uncomfortable with it and it seems as if my husband is just letting it go and not considering my feelings because he genuinely has a friend even if I see her as a girl who is wanting just my husbands attention and not even her own boyfriend. Iím so lost right now and just need some outsiders opinions. I said this would be a long one so I hope some of you stick with me.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    It was a lot shorter than many posts on here!

    Have you asked your husband to stop talking/texting her? Could be hard since they take a class together. I agree this is not cool and I would not want my husband having a friendship like that. She does appear to want him.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Totally ok to have friends of the opposite sex. Does he have other female friends in his day to day life?

    Now the bigger word I think we need to consider is "boundaries".
    Is this girl M maintaining appropriate boundaries with him, and her own boyfriend? I'd say she isn't.

    If your husband is tired of talking about it, he is letting you know that you should trust him. The more you press...the more he might keep stuff from you...and you DONT want that!
    M could be crossing boundaries, but you need to trust him that he won't cross boundaries.
    I would let it go and see if things fizzle out.

    A compelling argument is if he starts being secretive with his phone and disappearing for hours at a time. If he's upfront with you with her texts, that is a good thing.

    Keep your intuition keen...but lay off a little bit too.

    Just my $0.02

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Your husband isn't stupid. He is well aware that this chic is into him, he knows good and well that this amount of contact is inappropriate, you've made your feelings clear about it as well, but the bottom line is that he doesn't care. It's stroking his ego and how far he may go with that, who knows. He is choosing (emphasis added) to be an azz to you, to his marriage, to his soon to be child.

    So you do need to sit down and talk about boundaries, but more importantly, you need to be ready to impose serious consequences for breaching those boundaries going forward including kicking him out. He is taking you for granted to the point where he doesn't care how you feel and pretends to be "stupid" about it.

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  6. #5
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    You have every right to be upset about this situation, LostaLittle. I agree 100% with Betterwithout regarding the boundaries. IMHO, you should ask your husband to tell M, politely but firmly, to stop texting him with all this unnecessary and useless information. It blows my mind how some people have no boundaries and no moral compass. It's OK to have female friends but, at this point, M is just an acquaintance.

    If she's carrying on this this, how on earth will she carry on as time progresses? I was in a similar situation many years ago and when the topic of this female with no boundaries came up, my then MIL said to my ex "If it's enough to bother your wife, then you must tell this girl now to stop." He did, and that was the end of it. You don't need this stress in your life and it, apparently, stresses you and your husband. He shouldn't feel bad telling her because she is so out of line.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Make an appointment with a therapist for yourself. Get some objective professional advice about your husband's antics.After discussing some of the things that are becoming issues, ask your husband to join you

    This is not this woman's fault...it's your husband's. Keep the focus on that not what she is doing. . In the meantime pull way back from all this. Let him start doing a lot more for himself. It doesn't matter what this woman is doing. Your husband obviously invites it and is completely disregarding your feelings about it.
    Originally Posted by LostaLittle
    I have brought this up on numerous occasions and my husband just sees it as she is a friend who he talks to about every day things. Am I just being a hormonal pregnant woman and projecting onto this girl? Iím uncomfortable with it and it seems as if my husband is just letting it go.

  8. #7
    Wow guys! I was hesitant about asking a site about my worries and problems but I see and hear everything youíre saying. I do trust my husband and he is not secretive but I see an emotional connection that is upsetting. You have all confirmed my suspicions of her and if it keeps going even into when baby girl is born then I am going to give him another sit down. He can have a friend. I want him to have friends especially one who is going through what he is in his masters program but keep it to that. Theyíre on break and still keep talking about stupid . During the work day maybe fine talk about your internships but weekends and nights have to stop. Iím tired of feeling like she is needs my husband to get her through the day. Iím tired of seeing her name pop up on his screen all the time. I wish I could post photos on here to show you because his texts are on the computer. Iím about to talk to his older brother about it. I need advice also from someone who knows him best. I donít know how he will take it though.

    I am feeling my husbands signals and trust him. He does tend to make friends easier with women. In his graduate studies there were two girls who were his buddies and they were fine. One was a formal model. I never met them but I never had these sort of feelings towards them. I was never concerned about their feelings towards him like this one. My husband needs physical attraction for him to think anything about cheating. I know this because of our relationship, and he said on our first talk that she is not attractive to him at all. He said he would never do anything to me or our family and again I trust that but this little M is getting emotionally attached to him and you all can see that. Like I said his side isnít as much as hers but I know he calls her. Our last talk where I cried was about him calling her while he was out for groceries and why he needed to talk to her for 45 minutes and another few times for 15ish minutes. And on the way home from work for 30 min. Yes I took his phone while he was sleeping and looked through it. I became that woman. Iím lucky he wasnít pissed because we donít do that to each other. He said itís about their portfolios and stuff they need to do for school that is due in February because they worked on a project together and need to fix it. Fine I get that but why did she call him at 9 AM yesterday when they were just at an event the night before. And 7pm the night before that? I know Iím going a little crazy over analyzing but M is making me do this.

    I want to meet her. Is that my next step??

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you are concerned that this may materialize into cheating, meeting her won't do a thing to prevent it. That is a myth. No your next step is to find a professional therapist to discuss all this with and stop being a doormat. You are acting like the typical jealous wife who thinks it's "her" fault and meeting "her" will prevent what you are fearing (affair - emotional or more). It won't. Why? Because your husband is the problem and "she" is not.
    Originally Posted by LostaLittle
    I want to meet her. Is that my next step??

  10. #9
    Iím trying to make an appointment to see a therapist so I know Iím on the right track.

    I know he has blame as well and Iím so trying to stop looking and reacting and thats why I need help. Professional and just talking it out. I guess I need someone to coach me on that becasue pulling away is soooo hard. Iím due in a month and have nothing to occupy my time while Iím not working. Itís very unhealthy.

    How do I still talk to him about it?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Yes, it's time to sit down with your husband and draw up clear cut rules for your relationship. This should have been done when you had the discussion to become exclusive to make sure you were on the same page. Better late than never, though. Male/female friendships have a different dynamic. You want to be his best friend--not some stranger you've never met. This isn't high school. This is a woman pouring a lot of emotional time and energy into your husband, and he reciprocates and allows it.

    His response and actions after your discussion will reveal what he values more--your reasonable feelings, or the ego boost of another woman paying attention to him. The fact that you're pregnant makes this situation even worse, because it will be harder for you to make the decision to split if he chooses his friendship over you. When you give birth and much of your time and attention is divided, with enormous amounts of attention being paid to the child, of course, it may even cause his emotional affair to deepen. You have to nip this in the bud and demand couples counseling if he chooses to continue this inappropriate friendship. If he refuses, go to one yourself to show him the importance of the matter. It might wake him up to his nonsense. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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