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Thread: What should my pregnant daughter do about her situation?

  1. #1
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    What should my pregnant daughter do about her situation?

    Hello folks,

    My daughter, age 36, became pregnant in July. She had recently graduated from college and has a son who is 8 years old.
    She was thrilled about finding out, but her fiancee was less than thrilled. He told her that he already has two children, ages 8 and 13,
    and he did not want to become a father again. He added that he wants to enjoy his freedom and not be 'tied' down with another child.
    He does have a job, but doesn't make enough money to live on his own, and can barely support the two children he has. My daughter and
    her fiancee have been living together for two years (in her father's home that he rents---let me add that my exhusband added my daughter's fiancee's
    name on the lease---I have no idea why.

    A few months ago, there was a big fight and my exhusband kicked out my daughter's fiancee and his two children. My daughter packed up all of his belongings as well as the belongings of the two children. He still has some of his stuff there.
    He has very little communication with her and goes back and forth about whether or not he will be there and help to parent the new baby.
    My daughter, still has no job and is not actively looking for work. Sometimes she acts like she will take him back, and other times, she wants to move on.
    When they do communicate, it turns into an argument and he disrespects her. She told me that she doesn't plan to put his name on the birth certificate.
    He is very jealous and becomes angry when she talks to another man--even her own cousin, and is very manipulative.

    She has a lot of health issues too. She has type 1 diabetes, Graves disease, high blood pressure, thyroid disease and other ailments.She is a high risk patient and is on Medicaid. I worry about her all the time. The good news here is that the baby is healthy.

    She wants to be happy, and I want her to be happy too. I listen to her for hours almost everyday, as she cries her heart out.

    I am concerned about the welfare of the baby. Who is going to support the child? What should she do about the fiancee?
    She told me that she will not break up with him because if she does, then, legally she must return the ring......and she put up $1600 toward her own engagement ring.
    I become so stressed out listening to all of this drama and feel so helpless. I try to stay out of her affairs, I just make a comment like, 'you need to ask yourself if this is something you want to live with...', and at times, she will talk long enough to realize that she should move on, then he will say or do something to give her hope that he 'might' be coming around. She makes excuses for him all the time for his absences...he hasn't been to a single doctor appt with her and rarely calls her up to find out how she and the baby are doing.

    As her due date approaches, I think she is hoping her will suddenly 'man up' and take responsibility for his actions. But right now, it's all on her. Please don't remind me that he should have had a vasectomy or used protection. I know that, but we can't turn the clock back and do a 'do over'..

    Not sure what is best for her and the baby....

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Staying in the relationship will not put the $1600 back in her bank account.

    Sounds like my brother who insisted on keeping his kids' toddler bikes for 10 years because "I paid a lot of money for those!!!" Well, keeping them doesn't give you the money back!

    You're right, you unfortunately do have to step back and let her decide. You can be a supportive listener and you can offer to watch the baby for her, but she has to decide what to do.

    Side note, finding someone willing to hire a pregnant woman is next to impossible. There are way too many potential liabilities. Companies don't want to take the chance.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    If she is due in about April she's not likely going to be able to get a job now. Does she plan to keep this baby? She is not obliged to give back the ring, she should sell it and put the money to a good use, I'm sure she has many things she could buy with it.

    The boyfriend sounds like a loser and is not likely to man up when the time comes. Can she get welfare or some govt. money when the baby comes?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Tough situation but your financal obligation to your daughter stopped when she reached 18.

    Emotionally, you can support her while she, as an adult figures out this difficult time in her life. This is a hard lesson A hard lesson to witness, but one well learned.

    Listen to her, encourage her but let her figure this out. Trust that she has what it takes to do so.

    Consequences of lifes decisions.

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  6. #5
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    I wish I could offer my help, but I live over three hours away.

  7. #6
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    Yes, she plans to keep the baby. She always wanted another child. I get that. I don't think she realized she would be raising another child alone. That is her fear right now. I just wish she would make better life choices. You say, she is not obligated to give the ring back. She believes that if she breaks off the engagement, she will have too...because it is a 'conditional gift' in contemplation of marriage. I think she should try to sell the ring to help with the finances.

  8. #7
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    How will she support this child? Does she plan to work again? Is he going to get a second job to support three children?

  9. #8
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    ".When I met her boyfriend for the first time, they were already engaged. When I saw her in June, she wasn't dating anyone to my knowledge, but I later learned they met in May. So, when they came down for Christmas (2 years ago), I thought he was very polite, sweet, he made good eye contact, and very engaging. A huge contrast from her husband. We have had a good relationship and have gotten along very well.
    What happened is....over time, my daughter will call me up sharing problems about the relationship and how he threatens to leave almost every week. He has left and moved out on several occasions, only to come back when he needs money for something....how do I know this? She tells me so...
    Then, last December, she got pregnant. She was happy and again, he was not. One night, at 2am, she started having cramps and bleeding. She woke him up and told him she needed to get to the hospital because she thought she was having a miscarriage? So what did he do? Absolutely nothing! He wouldn't drive her, so she got up and got dressed and drove herself to the ER, which took her 30 minutes....She got there safely, thank goodness, and did suffer a miscarriage. Four hours later, she returned home, her boyfriend was getting up and told her he was just about to get dressed to go meet her at the hospital. She told him she lost the baby.
    To be honest, I don't recall his reaction. All I could think about is why he would let her drive herself, in the dark of night, at 2am....who knows....her car could have broken down, she could have run off the road...so many things that "could have" happened, but thankfully didn't ran through my mind. Why didn't he go??? Because they had a fight earlier and he was still mad.... He isn't a real man to me, boltnrun....a real man puts someone's else's welfare above their own and doesn't let his girlfriend drive alone at night, bleeding and having cramps, just because he is mad. No excuse for that kind of behavior. Some of you may disagree. That's fine. But I lost all respect for him that night.

    And now....she's pregnant again and she tells me he is not happy and threatens to go back home to live with his parents because he didn't want anymore children.
    So, there you have it."

    I seriously doubt he is going to morph into a decent human being, but your daughter is also a huge problem. She feels entitled and refuses to get a job. She tries to milk you and your ex for everything she can get. Both you and your ex husband have enabled her terribly!

    I really feel for this baby. After the first incident, I cannot comprehend why she got pregnant, or even stayed with this guy. So much dysfunction, manipulations and selfishness with both of them...

    I hope that you are not sending her money?

  10. #9

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    very sad. I will pray that only I can say

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    All you can do is listen but in more limited quantities, since it's burning you out this much. She doesn't want advice. She has healthcare and the father will have yo pay child support whether he chooses to be involved or not. She does not "legally" have to return any jewelry. Do not advise her. Do not tell her what to do. She has her father (your ex husband) there, she has healthcare, so relax. Let her sort out her own romantic issues.
    Originally Posted by Sweet Sue
    The good news here is that the baby is healthy. Who is going to support the child?

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