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What should my pregnant daughter do about her situation?


Sweet Sue

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Hello folks,

 

My daughter, age 36, became pregnant in July. She had recently graduated from college and has a son who is 8 years old.

She was thrilled about finding out, but her fiancee was less than thrilled. He told her that he already has two children, ages 8 and 13,

and he did not want to become a father again. He added that he wants to enjoy his freedom and not be 'tied' down with another child.

He does have a job, but doesn't make enough money to live on his own, and can barely support the two children he has. My daughter and

her fiancee have been living together for two years (in her father's home that he rents---let me add that my exhusband added my daughter's fiancee's

name on the lease---I have no idea why.

 

A few months ago, there was a big fight and my exhusband kicked out my daughter's fiancee and his two children. My daughter packed up all of his belongings as well as the belongings of the two children. He still has some of his stuff there.

He has very little communication with her and goes back and forth about whether or not he will be there and help to parent the new baby.

My daughter, still has no job and is not actively looking for work. Sometimes she acts like she will take him back, and other times, she wants to move on.

When they do communicate, it turns into an argument and he disrespects her. She told me that she doesn't plan to put his name on the birth certificate.

He is very jealous and becomes angry when she talks to another man--even her own cousin, and is very manipulative.

 

She has a lot of health issues too. She has type 1 diabetes, Graves disease, high blood pressure, thyroid disease and other ailments.She is a high risk patient and is on Medicaid. I worry about her all the time. The good news here is that the baby is healthy.

 

She wants to be happy, and I want her to be happy too. I listen to her for hours almost everyday, as she cries her heart out.

 

I am concerned about the welfare of the baby. Who is going to support the child? What should she do about the fiancee?

She told me that she will not break up with him because if she does, then, legally she must return the ring......and she put up $1600 toward her own engagement ring.

I become so stressed out listening to all of this drama and feel so helpless. I try to stay out of her affairs, I just make a comment like, 'you need to ask yourself if this is something you want to live with...', and at times, she will talk long enough to realize that she should move on, then he will say or do something to give her hope that he 'might' be coming around. She makes excuses for him all the time for his absences...he hasn't been to a single doctor appt with her and rarely calls her up to find out how she and the baby are doing.

 

As her due date approaches, I think she is hoping her will suddenly 'man up' and take responsibility for his actions. But right now, it's all on her. Please don't remind me that he should have had a vasectomy or used protection. I know that, but we can't turn the clock back and do a 'do over'..

 

Not sure what is best for her and the baby....

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Staying in the relationship will not put the $1600 back in her bank account.

 

Sounds like my brother who insisted on keeping his kids' toddler bikes for 10 years because "I paid a lot of money for those!!!" Well, keeping them doesn't give you the money back!

 

You're right, you unfortunately do have to step back and let her decide. You can be a supportive listener and you can offer to watch the baby for her, but she has to decide what to do.

 

Side note, finding someone willing to hire a pregnant woman is next to impossible. There are way too many potential liabilities. Companies don't want to take the chance.

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If she is due in about April she's not likely going to be able to get a job now. Does she plan to keep this baby? She is not obliged to give back the ring, she should sell it and put the money to a good use, I'm sure she has many things she could buy with it.

 

The boyfriend sounds like a loser and is not likely to man up when the time comes. Can she get welfare or some govt. money when the baby comes?

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Tough situation but your financal obligation to your daughter stopped when she reached 18.

 

Emotionally, you can support her while she, as an adult figures out this difficult time in her life. This is a hard lesson A hard lesson to witness, but one well learned.

 

Listen to her, encourage her but let her figure this out. Trust that she has what it takes to do so.

 

Consequences of lifes decisions.

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Yes, she plans to keep the baby. She always wanted another child. I get that. I don't think she realized she would be raising another child alone. That is her fear right now. I just wish she would make better life choices. You say, she is not obligated to give the ring back. She believes that if she breaks off the engagement, she will have too...because it is a 'conditional gift' in contemplation of marriage. I think she should try to sell the ring to help with the finances.

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".When I met her boyfriend for the first time, they were already engaged. When I saw her in June, she wasn't dating anyone to my knowledge, but I later learned they met in May. So, when they came down for Christmas (2 years ago), I thought he was very polite, sweet, he made good eye contact, and very engaging. A huge contrast from her husband. We have had a good relationship and have gotten along very well.

What happened is....over time, my daughter will call me up sharing problems about the relationship and how he threatens to leave almost every week. He has left and moved out on several occasions, only to come back when he needs money for something....how do I know this? She tells me so...

Then, last December, she got pregnant. She was happy and again, he was not. One night, at 2am, she started having cramps and bleeding. She woke him up and told him she needed to get to the hospital because she thought she was having a miscarriage? So what did he do? Absolutely nothing! He wouldn't drive her, so she got up and got dressed and drove herself to the ER, which took her 30 minutes....She got there safely, thank goodness, and did suffer a miscarriage. Four hours later, she returned home, her boyfriend was getting up and told her he was just about to get dressed to go meet her at the hospital. She told him she lost the baby.

To be honest, I don't recall his reaction. All I could think about is why he would let her drive herself, in the dark of night, at 2am....who knows....her car could have broken down, she could have run off the road...so many things that "could have" happened, but thankfully didn't ran through my mind. Why didn't he go??? Because they had a fight earlier and he was still mad.... He isn't a real man to me, boltnrun....a real man puts someone's else's welfare above their own and doesn't let his girlfriend drive alone at night, bleeding and having cramps, just because he is mad. No excuse for that kind of behavior. Some of you may disagree. That's fine. But I lost all respect for him that night.

 

And now....she's pregnant again and she tells me he is not happy and threatens to go back home to live with his parents because he didn't want anymore children.

So, there you have it."

I seriously doubt he is going to morph into a decent human being, but your daughter is also a huge problem. She feels entitled and refuses to get a job. She tries to milk you and your ex for everything she can get. Both you and your ex husband have enabled her terribly!

 

I really feel for this baby. After the first incident, I cannot comprehend why she got pregnant, or even stayed with this guy. So much dysfunction, manipulations and selfishness with both of them...

 

I hope that you are not sending her money?

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All you can do is listen but in more limited quantities, since it's burning you out this much. She doesn't want advice. She has healthcare and the father will have yo pay child support whether he chooses to be involved or not. She does not "legally" have to return any jewelry. Do not advise her. Do not tell her what to do. She has her father (your ex husband) there, she has healthcare, so relax. Let her sort out her own romantic issues.

The good news here is that the baby is healthy. Who is going to support the child?
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What should my pregnant daughter do

 

I just make a comment like, 'you need to ...'

 

I'd avoid using words like 'you should' and 'you need to' because this only infuriates daughter, and then you come on here asking how to handle her rage and mistreatment.

 

Stop 'shoulding' on daughter, because she isn't going to listen to you, anyway. Anyone with the reasoning power of holding onto a ring above all practical concerns isn't reasonable and isn't going to HEAR you beyond interpreting an insult inside your comments.

 

Skip that. If daughter remains dependent on her father, then that's on him. If she wants to become dependent on you, then that's where you get to draw a line. If she asks anything from you, you can put conditions on it and negotiate a legal and binding agreement by putting it in writing and getting it notarized.

 

Beyond that, limit your input to asking questions, like, "What do you want to do about that?" Followed by, "Okay, what do you think will happen if you do that?" ...and let her come up with her own answers.

 

When it comes to conversing with daughter, you can anticipate resistance and offense to any answers that come from you. So stop trying to impose answers and just keep asking leading questions instead. Don't make them a trap by setting her up to answer then arguing with her answers--because that's a trap for YOU, instead. Your typical pattern is to walk right into that, so change the pattern and allow daughter to learn her own lessons the hard way. It's the only way she's capable of learning anything, and trying to spare her from that only makes her angry with you.

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Hello folks,

 

 

 

I am concerned about the welfare of the baby. Who is going to support the child? What should she do about the fiancee?

She told me that she will not break up with him because if she does, then, legally she must return the ring......and she put up $1600 toward her own engagement ring.

 

 

As her due date approaches, I think she is hoping her will suddenly 'man up' and take responsibility for his actions. But right now, it's all on her. Please don't remind me that he should have had a vasectomy or used protection. I know that, but we can't turn the clock back and do a 'do over'..

 

Not sure what is best for her and the baby....

 

 

Oh man, this is tough. Who's going to support the baby? In short- HER AND YOU (if you really care about the baby's welfare- cause she cannot afford to raise a healthy child on her own)

 

Since she's keeping the baby- she has a very tough road ahead of her and understand that she will likely be completely relying on you for help. He is NOT going to suddenly " man up". No one wants to hire a pregnant woman, sorry but that's just the truth. And if she's already in bad health and gets no support raising it, she's likely going to ask you to help raise it and financially support it. So, be prepared for that. Welfare doesn't help all that much. I can tell you because my sister's husband walked out when she was pregnant. The "help" she got was exceptionally limited. She only got by with SIGNIFICANT help from the family.

 

If she calls off the engagement, she ought to return the ring. It's good form. Typically speaking, if a engagement is called off by the woman, she returns the ring to the man. (Unless he specifically SAYS she can keep it) If it is called off by the man, he will often tell her she can keep the ring. Considering what a JERK this guys sounds like, I DOUBT he's going to just " be cool" about her keeping an expensive ring. He can absolutely demand it back. She doesn't technically "have to" return it- but you can bet your bottom dollar he will raise holy hell about it and likely try to take her to court and make her life miserable. Best case scenario, since she put some money toward it, would be to sell it and they would split the money. IF it came to going to court, this is likely what a judge would order, and that's the BEST of circumstances. She can expect a deadbeat dad and if they break up, a bad custody battle, fighting over child support, and all other manner of problems.

 

I feel for her. But her life and yours are about to get MUCH harder. Once the baby is here- She will have to support it and so will you. I doubt you're gonna see much support from the father. The truth about child support with deadbeat Dads isn't very good. Courts don't really go after them, they only HAVE to pay a bare minimum of what they can afford based on pay, and even if you find one that does- they can put them in jail, but then you REALLY don't get money. It's pretty crappy, I'm sorry to tell you. I went thru all of this with my sister's ex. When he got out of jail, he couldn't get a decent job- so it ended up being a garnishment of minimum wage, which didn't even amount to the cost of diapers, much less anything else.

 

Good luck. You have a very difficult road ahead. I wish I could tell you it will all be sunshine and roses once the baby comes, but that wouldn't be honest.

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Fiancee is being unrealistic and he knows it too. He is going to be a father again and just venting out. Also how does he has freedom when is a father of two? lol

 

He has 2 kids already so when the baby is born is has that experience.

 

Most important is for the baby to be born healthy.

 

I think once the baby is born. fiancee will bond with baby and things hopefully fall in place.

 

Good luck to your family!

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Oh man, this is tough. Who's going to support the baby? In short- HER AND YOU (if you really care about the baby's welfare- cause she cannot afford to raise a healthy child on her own)

 

Since she's keeping the baby- she has a very tough road ahead of her and understand that she will likely be completely relying on you for help. He is NOT going to suddenly " man up". No one wants to hire a pregnant woman, sorry but that's just the truth. And if she's already in bad health and gets no support raising it, she's likely going to ask you to help raise it and financially support it. So, be prepared for that. Welfare doesn't help all that much. I can tell you because my sister's husband walked out when she was pregnant. The "help" she got was exceptionally limited. She only got by with SIGNIFICANT help from the family.

 

If she calls off the engagement, she ought to return the ring. It's good form. Typically speaking, if a engagement is called off by the woman, she returns the ring to the man. (Unless he specifically SAYS she can keep it) If it is called off by the man, he will often tell her she can keep the ring. Considering what a JERK this guys sounds like, I DOUBT he's going to just " be cool" about her keeping an expensive ring. He can absolutely demand it back. She doesn't technically "have to" return it- but you can bet your bottom dollar he will raise holy hell about it and likely try to take her to court and make her life miserable. Best case scenario, since she put some money toward it, would be to sell it and they would split the money. IF it came to going to court, this is likely what a judge would order, and that's the BEST of circumstances. She can expect a deadbeat dad and if they break up, a bad custody battle, fighting over child support, and all other manner of problems.

 

I feel for her. But her life and yours are about to get MUCH harder. Once the baby is here- She will have to support it and so will you. I doubt you're gonna see much support from the father. The truth about child support with deadbeat Dads isn't very good. Courts don't really go after them, they only HAVE to pay a bare minimum of what they can afford based on pay, and even if you find one that does- they can put them in jail, but then you REALLY don't get money. It's pretty crappy, I'm sorry to tell you. I went thru all of this with my sister's ex. When he got out of jail, he couldn't get a decent job- so it ended up being a garnishment of minimum wage, which didn't even amount to the cost of diapers, much less anything else.

 

Good luck. You have a very difficult road ahead. I wish I could tell you it will all be sunshine and roses once the baby comes, but that wouldn't be honest.

 

I feel for the baby, as the daughter has never had a job and has always mooched off the parents-she is not young. She then gets pregnant a second time with this loser, who bailed when he was most needed, and threatened to leave on a weekly basis. He barely supports his current family, yet they make the decision to bring another kid into the world. The ring should be the least of anyone's issue.

 

I am curious to know how she has been supporting the child she has now?

 

Sue, it is time for her to grow up!

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She wants a baby but didn't give enough thought to what's in a baby's best interest. It's "done" but this attitude persists in her. I'd do only what you would have done as a new grandmother if all was stable. No she can't keep the ring most likely -depending on where she lives.

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you or your ex could take legal guardianship of the baby after the baby is done breastfeeding - raise the child while she seeks work, but that will not help her if she has another child that she is not working for. I know its not perfect, but if her dad is willing to be the gatekeeper and prevent her ex from coming back in the home, and reinforcing to her that if she gets back with him that she's out of the house, then maybe its not perfect, but if your ex is okay with supporting her and her kids -- i would let him. it sounds like your daughter has some medical conditions as well which do not help her. If she stays away from men, the set up could work. And if that's what they choose, i would buttout of it, enjoy seeing your grandkids when you see them - as long as the kids are healthy and happy and provided for, i would just let them figure it out.

 

She does need to know that she can file for child support. May not get blood from a stone but you never know.

 

 

She wants a baby but didn't give enough thought to what's in a baby's best interest. It's "done" but this attitude persists in her. I'd do only what you would have done as a new grandmother if all was stable. No she can't keep the ring most likely -depending on where she lives.

 

If the ring was given on her birthday or Christmas, then its a gift. If it was given at any other time, then its possession is solely dependent on the state of the relationship. She should give it back - also to signify that she is done with him. If he tells her to keep it and that he does not want it back - fine, but it probably would be emotionally good for her to not have that tie.

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I feel for the baby, as the daughter has never had a job and has always mooched off the parents-she is not young. She then gets pregnant a second time with this loser, who bailed when he was most needed, and threatened to leave on a weekly basis. He barely supports his current family, yet they make the decision to bring another kid into the world. The ring should be the least of anyone's issue.

 

I am curious to know how she has been supporting the child she has now?

 

Sue, it is time for her to grow up!

 

There was a whole other thread of this before. SweetSue's ex husband supports the daughter pretty much.

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It seems she would like to be able to confide in you and hopes you are emotionally supportive. She lives with her father and this bf who left will have to pay child support, no matter what happens. Try not to be judgmental or tell her how to run her life.

 

She is not asking you for help or money or anything other than an ear to listen. Even if she is flawed, keep in mind, you raised her. Stop expecting her to be perfect. Stop resenting her and your ex-husband. She is reaching out.

Yes, she plans to keep the baby. She always wanted another child.
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It seems she would like to be able to confide in you and hopes you are emotionally supportive. She lives with her father and this bf who left will have to pay child support, no matter what happens. Try not to be judgmental or tell her how to run her life.

 

She is not asking you for help or money or anything other than an ear to listen. Even if she is flawed, keep in mind, you raised her. Stop expecting her to be perfect. Stop resenting her and your ex-husband. She is reaching out.

 

Good call! Make sure your house or your ear are safe spaces for her.

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Yes, she plans to keep the baby. She always wanted another child. I get that. I don't think she realized she would be raising another child alone. That is her fear right now. I just wish she would make better life choices. You say, she is not obligated to give the ring back. She believes that if she breaks off the engagement, she will have too...because it is a 'conditional gift' in contemplation of marriage. I think she should try to sell the ring to help with the finances.

 

It dont believe it's written into any law anywhere that a woman must return an engagement ring. She needs to get over that notion and realize she can do what she wants with it.

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It seems she would like to be able to confide in you and hopes you are emotionally supportive. She lives with her father and this bf who left will have to pay child support, no matter what happens. Try not to be judgmental or tell her how to run her life.

 

She is not asking you for help or money or anything other than an ear to listen. Even if she is flawed, keep in mind, you raised her. Stop expecting her to be perfect. Stop resenting her and your ex-husband. She is reaching out.

 

Not true. She has been asking for expensive baby gifts.

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It dont believe it's written into any law anywhere that a woman must return an engagement ring. She needs to get over that notion and realize she can do what she wants with it.

 

It is actually in certain states. I returned mine and would have no matter what (meaning I wanted to do the right thing, I didn't care what the law said) but yes since it's a gift in contemplation of marriage if the marriage doesn't happen the woman has to return it. I'm not sure if it matters who ends the engagement.

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I thought thats what HER engagement ring cost that her ex-fiancee bought....but maybe i misread that?

 

This is what Sweet Sue wrote in the OP:

"She told me that she will not break up with him because if she does, then, legally she must return the ring......and she put up $1600 toward her own engagement ring."

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