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Thread: What should my pregnant daughter do about her situation?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    What should my pregnant daughter do
    Originally Posted by Sweet Sue
    I just make a comment like, 'you need to ...'
    I'd avoid using words like 'you should' and 'you need to' because this only infuriates daughter, and then you come on here asking how to handle her rage and mistreatment.

    Stop 'shoulding' on daughter, because she isn't going to listen to you, anyway. Anyone with the reasoning power of holding onto a ring above all practical concerns isn't reasonable and isn't going to HEAR you beyond interpreting an insult inside your comments.

    Skip that. If daughter remains dependent on her father, then that's on him. If she wants to become dependent on you, then that's where you get to draw a line. If she asks anything from you, you can put conditions on it and negotiate a legal and binding agreement by putting it in writing and getting it notarized.

    Beyond that, limit your input to asking questions, like, "What do you want to do about that?" Followed by, "Okay, what do you think will happen if you do that?" ...and let her come up with her own answers.

    When it comes to conversing with daughter, you can anticipate resistance and offense to any answers that come from you. So stop trying to impose answers and just keep asking leading questions instead. Don't make them a trap by setting her up to answer then arguing with her answers--because that's a trap for YOU, instead. Your typical pattern is to walk right into that, so change the pattern and allow daughter to learn her own lessons the hard way. It's the only way she's capable of learning anything, and trying to spare her from that only makes her angry with you.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Sweet Sue
    Hello folks,



    I am concerned about the welfare of the baby. Who is going to support the child? What should she do about the fiancee?
    She told me that she will not break up with him because if she does, then, legally she must return the ring......and she put up $1600 toward her own engagement ring.


    As her due date approaches, I think she is hoping her will suddenly 'man up' and take responsibility for his actions. But right now, it's all on her. Please don't remind me that he should have had a vasectomy or used protection. I know that, but we can't turn the clock back and do a 'do over'..

    Not sure what is best for her and the baby....

    Oh man, this is tough. Who's going to support the baby? In short- HER AND YOU (if you really care about the baby's welfare- cause she cannot afford to raise a healthy child on her own)

    Since she's keeping the baby- she has a very tough road ahead of her and understand that she will likely be completely relying on you for help. He is NOT going to suddenly " man up". No one wants to hire a pregnant woman, sorry but that's just the truth. And if she's already in bad health and gets no support raising it, she's likely going to ask you to help raise it and financially support it. So, be prepared for that. Welfare doesn't help all that much. I can tell you because my sister's husband walked out when she was pregnant. The "help" she got was exceptionally limited. She only got by with SIGNIFICANT help from the family.

    If she calls off the engagement, she ought to return the ring. It's good form. Typically speaking, if a engagement is called off by the woman, she returns the ring to the man. (Unless he specifically SAYS she can keep it) If it is called off by the man, he will often tell her she can keep the ring. Considering what a JERK this guys sounds like, I DOUBT he's going to just " be cool" about her keeping an expensive ring. He can absolutely demand it back. She doesn't technically "have to" return it- but you can bet your bottom dollar he will raise holy hell about it and likely try to take her to court and make her life miserable. Best case scenario, since she put some money toward it, would be to sell it and they would split the money. IF it came to going to court, this is likely what a judge would order, and that's the BEST of circumstances. She can expect a deadbeat dad and if they break up, a bad custody battle, fighting over child support, and all other manner of problems.

    I feel for her. But her life and yours are about to get MUCH harder. Once the baby is here- She will have to support it and so will you. I doubt you're gonna see much support from the father. The truth about child support with deadbeat Dads isn't very good. Courts don't really go after them, they only HAVE to pay a bare minimum of what they can afford based on pay, and even if you find one that does- they can put them in jail, but then you REALLY don't get money. It's pretty crappy, I'm sorry to tell you. I went thru all of this with my sister's ex. When he got out of jail, he couldn't get a decent job- so it ended up being a garnishment of minimum wage, which didn't even amount to the cost of diapers, much less anything else.

    Good luck. You have a very difficult road ahead. I wish I could tell you it will all be sunshine and roses once the baby comes, but that wouldn't be honest.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member happyfrank's Avatar
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    Fiancee is being unrealistic and he knows it too. He is going to be a father again and just venting out. Also how does he has freedom when is a father of two? lol

    He has 2 kids already so when the baby is born is has that experience.

    Most important is for the baby to be born healthy.

    I think once the baby is born. fiancee will bond with baby and things hopefully fall in place.

    Good luck to your family!

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by redswim30
    Oh man, this is tough. Who's going to support the baby? In short- HER AND YOU (if you really care about the baby's welfare- cause she cannot afford to raise a healthy child on her own)

    Since she's keeping the baby- she has a very tough road ahead of her and understand that she will likely be completely relying on you for help. He is NOT going to suddenly " man up". No one wants to hire a pregnant woman, sorry but that's just the truth. And if she's already in bad health and gets no support raising it, she's likely going to ask you to help raise it and financially support it. So, be prepared for that. Welfare doesn't help all that much. I can tell you because my sister's husband walked out when she was pregnant. The "help" she got was exceptionally limited. She only got by with SIGNIFICANT help from the family.

    If she calls off the engagement, she ought to return the ring. It's good form. Typically speaking, if a engagement is called off by the woman, she returns the ring to the man. (Unless he specifically SAYS she can keep it) If it is called off by the man, he will often tell her she can keep the ring. Considering what a JERK this guys sounds like, I DOUBT he's going to just " be cool" about her keeping an expensive ring. He can absolutely demand it back. She doesn't technically "have to" return it- but you can bet your bottom dollar he will raise holy hell about it and likely try to take her to court and make her life miserable. Best case scenario, since she put some money toward it, would be to sell it and they would split the money. IF it came to going to court, this is likely what a judge would order, and that's the BEST of circumstances. She can expect a deadbeat dad and if they break up, a bad custody battle, fighting over child support, and all other manner of problems.

    I feel for her. But her life and yours are about to get MUCH harder. Once the baby is here- She will have to support it and so will you. I doubt you're gonna see much support from the father. The truth about child support with deadbeat Dads isn't very good. Courts don't really go after them, they only HAVE to pay a bare minimum of what they can afford based on pay, and even if you find one that does- they can put them in jail, but then you REALLY don't get money. It's pretty crappy, I'm sorry to tell you. I went thru all of this with my sister's ex. When he got out of jail, he couldn't get a decent job- so it ended up being a garnishment of minimum wage, which didn't even amount to the cost of diapers, much less anything else.

    Good luck. You have a very difficult road ahead. I wish I could tell you it will all be sunshine and roses once the baby comes, but that wouldn't be honest.
    I feel for the baby, as the daughter has never had a job and has always mooched off the parents-she is not young. She then gets pregnant a second time with this loser, who bailed when he was most needed, and threatened to leave on a weekly basis. He barely supports his current family, yet they make the decision to bring another kid into the world. The ring should be the least of anyone's issue.

    I am curious to know how she has been supporting the child she has now?

    Sue, it is time for her to grow up!
    Last edited by Hollyj; 01-16-2020 at 12:30 PM.

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  6. #15
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    She wants a baby but didn't give enough thought to what's in a baby's best interest. It's "done" but this attitude persists in her. I'd do only what you would have done as a new grandmother if all was stable. No she can't keep the ring most likely -depending on where she lives.

  7. #16
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    you or your ex could take legal guardianship of the baby after the baby is done breastfeeding - raise the child while she seeks work, but that will not help her if she has another child that she is not working for. I know its not perfect, but if her dad is willing to be the gatekeeper and prevent her ex from coming back in the home, and reinforcing to her that if she gets back with him that she's out of the house, then maybe its not perfect, but if your ex is okay with supporting her and her kids -- i would let him. it sounds like your daughter has some medical conditions as well which do not help her. If she stays away from men, the set up could work. And if that's what they choose, i would buttout of it, enjoy seeing your grandkids when you see them - as long as the kids are healthy and happy and provided for, i would just let them figure it out.

    She does need to know that she can file for child support. May not get blood from a stone but you never know.


    Originally Posted by Batya33
    She wants a baby but didn't give enough thought to what's in a baby's best interest. It's "done" but this attitude persists in her. I'd do only what you would have done as a new grandmother if all was stable. No she can't keep the ring most likely -depending on where she lives.
    If the ring was given on her birthday or Christmas, then its a gift. If it was given at any other time, then its possession is solely dependent on the state of the relationship. She should give it back - also to signify that she is done with him. If he tells her to keep it and that he does not want it back - fine, but it probably would be emotionally good for her to not have that tie.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I feel for the baby, as the daughter has never had a job and has always mooched off the parents-she is not young. She then gets pregnant a second time with this loser, who bailed when he was most needed, and threatened to leave on a weekly basis. He barely supports his current family, yet they make the decision to bring another kid into the world. The ring should be the least of anyone's issue.

    I am curious to know how she has been supporting the child she has now?

    Sue, it is time for her to grow up!
    There was a whole other thread of this before. SweetSue's ex husband supports the daughter pretty much.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It seems she would like to be able to confide in you and hopes you are emotionally supportive. She lives with her father and this bf who left will have to pay child support, no matter what happens. Try not to be judgmental or tell her how to run her life.

    She is not asking you for help or money or anything other than an ear to listen. Even if she is flawed, keep in mind, you raised her. Stop expecting her to be perfect. Stop resenting her and your ex-husband. She is reaching out.
    Originally Posted by Sweet Sue
    Yes, she plans to keep the baby. She always wanted another child.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It seems she would like to be able to confide in you and hopes you are emotionally supportive. She lives with her father and this bf who left will have to pay child support, no matter what happens. Try not to be judgmental or tell her how to run her life.

    She is not asking you for help or money or anything other than an ear to listen. Even if she is flawed, keep in mind, you raised her. Stop expecting her to be perfect. Stop resenting her and your ex-husband. She is reaching out.
    Good call! Make sure your house or your ear are safe spaces for her.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sweet Sue
    Yes, she plans to keep the baby. She always wanted another child. I get that. I don't think she realized she would be raising another child alone. That is her fear right now. I just wish she would make better life choices. You say, she is not obligated to give the ring back. She believes that if she breaks off the engagement, she will have too...because it is a 'conditional gift' in contemplation of marriage. I think she should try to sell the ring to help with the finances.
    It dont believe it's written into any law anywhere that a woman must return an engagement ring. She needs to get over that notion and realize she can do what she wants with it.

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