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Thread: Different sex drives

  1. #1

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    Different sex drives

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost two years. We love each other a lot and want to be together but one thing we argue about almost once a month is our sex life. I have a low sex drive, I always have. Itís low enough that I thought I was asexual for a long time and had no interest in sex until I started dating at 20. My boyfriend on the other hand has a high sex drive and is almost always ready to go. Because of this he feels like Iím not attracted to him because we donít have sex often and because I donít get horny very often. Iíve told him many times itís not him itís me. Sometimes sex hurts for me or sometimes I get easily overwhelmed to the point where Iíve had to stop in the middle of sex cause Iím having a panic attack. I see where heís coming from and I feel guilty everytime I say no but i donít know what to do and neither does he. Neither one of us wants this to end our relationship. If anyone has any advice or if this has happened to you Iíd greatly appreciate anything. I want to fix this.

  2. #2
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    When you do get in the mood, what usually turns you on? No need to answer this, but might be worth exploring. Is it when you feel attractive or when youíve had a relaxing day or when he does something specific? Try to explore that and recreate if possible.

    Itís fine to not always be in the mood when he is, but it helps to explore a bit what makes you tick sexually.

    Also, Id suggest to talk to him about how bringing the topic up once a month creates pressure for you. Stress is such a Libido killer, and if youíre starting to feel obligated, you wonít be in the mood at all.

    In the end, if none of this helps, it might boil down to incompatibility and you guys should rethink if continuing makes sense.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Have you talked to your doctor about the fact sex sometimes hurts? That could be part of the problem, you are afraid it will end up being painful.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    It could be that your libido is normally low, but to rule out your hormones being at inappropriate levels, ask your gynecologist to test the levels. You're young, but perhaps you possess the changing hormone levels of a woman who is going through menopause. At this time, menopausal women can insert vaginally a cream called Estrace or Estradiol which helps with replacing some of those hormones and makes insertion more comfortable. The gynecologist might suggest other treatment according to your specific issue, if you have one.

    If there's nothing off with your hormones, sadly I suggest ending the relationship. You'll be happier with someone who shares your libido, and he'll be happier with someone who shares his. IMO, it's a major must have. I know how miserable I was when I was with a man, for a year, who had a low libido. Now I'm married to a man who has the same libido as me, and I'm 100 percent happier. Good luck.

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  6. #5
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    Have you considered speaking to your doctor? Painful sex can indicate a physical issue, though I wonder if this is more psychological given that you also mentioned being near a panic attack during the act.

    These are issues worth exploring with a professional. I suspect the problem is not simply a low libido.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Get evaluated by a physician for any health issues and make an appointment with a therapist for yourself. Not to appease this "horny" bf but to sort out why you are with someone like this and stay despite these incompatibilities.

    You do not owe him or anyone else sex. His pressure is something you need to reflect on and discuss with your doctor and therapist. Consider ending things with him. This is not just about sex drives.
    Originally Posted by mitchehj
    Sometimes sex hurts for me or sometimes I get easily overwhelmed to the point where Iíve had to stop in the middle of sex cause Iím having a panic attack.

  8. #7

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    I donít know what triggers it. It comes and goes so quickly like flashes. Like it only happens for a few minutes and itís so slight that sometimes I donít notice. It does help when thereís a gentleness. When it starts slow with just touching or kissing. But if Iím already overstimulated the kissing can feel claustrophobic. Sometimes if Iím not in the mood and he is hell watch porn and jerk off and watching porn with him gets me in the mood cause Iíll picture us doing it but I donít want to depend on anything to get in the mood.

  9. #8

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    A lot of the time the pressure comes from me and not him. I want to make him feel good but i understand forcing myself is never a good thing because heíll be able to tell immediately and he doesnít want to do anything if I donít. We both really want to work on this because we donít want to end things. When we do have sex we are very compatible itís just figuring out why I canít get to a starting point.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do not be too shy to discuss all this with your doctor. Some therapy to sort things out would help as well. Have you ever had a good lover who is in tune with you? How old is he? He sounds rather inexperienced and/or selfish.
    Originally Posted by mitchehj
    I donít know what triggers it. It comes and goes so quickly like flashes. Like it only happens for a few minutes and itís so slight that sometimes I donít notice. It does help when thereís a gentleness.

  11. #10

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    Heís 27 and Iím 22. Heís the best Iíve ever had and vice versa. I know he hates this situation just as much as I do because he doesnít like it when Iím stressed or upset. He wants to make me happy just as much as I wanna make him happy. Heís a good man and I stand by that

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