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Thread: Broke up with me after his mom died

  1. #1

    Broke up with me after his mom died

    Hi everyone,

    My boyfriend and I were dating for six months. After the first month, his mother was diagnosed with a brain disease and the next few months she was in and out of the hospital. I was there for him everytime it seemed like it was over and he never failed to thank me and tell me how much he loved and appreciated me. The morning of her death (in late November) everything was normal, he was telling me his plans for the day and chatting away. Then we had radio silence. I thought he was just busy until I saw his sister posted something thanking everyone for their well wishes and giving information about her mother's funeral services. He didn't contact me again until a few days later when he said he needed some space to clear his head. I agreed and we didn't talk for two weeks. When I reached out again he broke up with me and said he didn't want a relationship right now. He said I deserved to be happy and he didn't think that happiness was with him. He needed space to clear his head and just wanted me to be happy. I said I was happiest with him but he just asked me not to wait for him because he needs time.

    I reached out to him a few times after and he said he still has feelings for me but doesn't want a girlfriend for now. I sent him a message saying I'm here for him for whatever and will always support him. He hasn't replied or even opened the message since I sent it. I honestly don't expect a response.

    My closest experience to grief was with my grandfather but my grief reaction was to replace all the pain in my life with love. Love for my school, friends, and family. I understand that everyone grieves differently but why did he shut me out the day after he was telling me how much he loves me? Why did he just break up with me like I meant nothing? Will he come back after grieving? I'm rebuilding my life without him but there's little moments I want to share with him but can't. Should I ever contact him again?

    For those of you who have been the griever or the dumpee, what was your thought process? What ended up happening? Did you get back together?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    This is not about you. This is about a young man who's mother died in a really lousy way and he is grieving her. You cant tell someone how to grieve or for how long. It takes as long as it takes. You need to keep on living your life and give him the space he needs to get past the loss of his mother. He knows how to find you when he is ready.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry, lostingrief.

    Even though you may not understand your boyfriend, you need to respect his wishes whether it makes sense to you or not. Your boyfriend has his own personal reasons to let you go. I commend him for being extremely honest with you by telling you that he cannot and will not have a relationship with you due to his bereft state. Don't take it personally even though everyone takes it personally whenever they're rejected and dumped.

    Even though your grandfather passed away, it's not the same as a parent, sibling or immediate family member passing away.

    My father passed away when I was very young and my whole world and household turned upside down. I had to be both the emotional and financial support for my mother and younger siblings. There was no way in heck to have brain space for a boyfriend and relationship during this tumultuous time. I wouldn't even fathom it.

    Try not to make rhyme nor reason as to why he broke up with you. He's overwhelmed with grief, mourning the tremendous loss of his beloved mother and it's so life shattering and life changing that he cannot concentrate on anything else except his grief. Most people, especially sons are extremely close to their mothers. Mother is IT.

    Even though you don't want to accept what he told you, you have to accept and respect his wishes.

    I've been around long enough to know that whenever people are at a fairly good place in their lives, they're pleasant, willing to invest their time and energy into another person, cultivate, nurture and maintain relationships. All of that gets pitched out the window, the minute you're overwhelmed with what consumes you whether it's death, birth, financial hardship, job loss, personal angst of all kinds, poor health and it runs the gamut. This is human nature and very universal.

    There's no telling if he'll come back to you after grieving. Don't bet on it. Losing a parent could take YEARS to recover from. It took me a very long time to heal from the loss of my father.

    Continue to rebuild your life without him and remember to also continue to honor and respect his wishes. Give him tons of time and space. Pray for his and his family's well being and strength. Pray for your own strength, too. You can have compassion from afar.

    Send him a sincere, heartfelt, brief "deepest sympathy" card and offer your condolences. This would be a gracious gesture from you to him (and his family). Part on peaceful, very gracious terms. Do that.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I've lost people in my life. Friends, coworkers, family members, my father. Nothing was more life changing than losing my mom.

    Nothing prepared me for the intense grief you feel when the person that brought you into this world and nurtured you, leaves.

    It's been a year but I'll be honest and tell you I could have easily made some impulse decisions because my head and heart were just not in the right place.

    I'm sorry. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. All you can do is back off and leave on high ground. Pressing any further would be a bad idea.

    If he returns, he'll return to a safe place and with someone who respected his request when he needed it the most.

    If he doesnt, then you'll (unfortunately) know it wasnt meant to be to begin with.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it sounds like you were much more invested and involved all along and smothered him a bit as a result. It was dating for 24 weeks.

    You need to leave him alone to grieve. Stop being clingy. You need to block and delete him and not get this over-involved and over-attached or laser focus this much making someone the center of your universe.

    Get more involved in your own life. Work, school, clubs. groups, sports, volunteering, friends, family, etc.
    Originally Posted by lostingrief

    My boyfriend and I were dating for six months.
    I was there for him everytime it seemed like it was over
    I reached out again he broke up with me and said he didn't want a relationship right now.
    I reached out to him a few times after
    I sent him a message saying I'm here for him

  7. #6
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    OP, grieving a grandparent and grieving a parent (especially when it was an illness with a rapid progression) is a different ballgame under most circumstances. You canít really compare the two, nor how you handled grief versus how he is handling his grief. Itís so vastly different for everyone and you canít be so presumptuous as to assume your way was the ďrightĒ way to handle it, which is the undertone Iím getting from your post.

    As much as it stings, you arenít entitled to a relationship with someone who just canít give you one right now. He doesnít want what you want. Is it all down to grief? Itís impossible to say. Might he resurface in the future? Again, itís impossible to predict. Grief can really change a person, in terms of changing your worldview and priorities. The point is that he currently knows he doesnít want to keep dating, and you need to assume itís over now.

    You were kind in offering your support. Now itís best to respect his choice to part ways and now out gracefully.


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