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Thread: Feeling it's all on me.

  1. #1

    Feeling it's all on me.

    Married for 10 years with 3 children, oldest is in 1st grade and youngest is 1.5 years old and wife is pretty much a stay at home mom. I've been with my company for 12 years and have moved up since then making a decent salary working M-F 8 hours a day to support the family with a car payment and 4 bedroom house, well kind of. We always needed a little extra to make ends meat given children have increased and the house was upgraded. So my wife has had a part time job off and on. She would work 4 hours 2 days a week from 4pm to 8pm and one Saturday a month. She has increasingly made it known she DOES NOT want to work and have that taken time away from her being which the children. She just started a new job which is much closer than the last and is the same schedule.

    It's starting to cause a drift between us where I get 2 to 3 job recommendations from her a day and constant reminding she doesn't want to work and if I found a new job. Life is becoming miserable and I don't know how to talk to her. Any conversation goes to how she wanted to be at home, like her mom was, and be there for the children. It is her dream to be a stay at home mom even though she is and when she goes to work i'm there. I'm very much feeling like a tool and less like a member of the family.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Marriage therapy and a financial planner and account would help tremendously in improving communication, trimming unnecessary spending and coming to a compromise about finances and who stays with the children. How much is child care in your area? Can you be with the kids more if she works more?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I agree with Wiseman2. Seek professional marriage counseling and a financial advisor.

    I was a SAHM for a few years and we learned to do without. We didn't eat out nor do take out, had no extraneous expenditures whatsoever, learned to do family activities on a shoestring budget, I wore the same clothes for many years, never bought anything unless it was on sale and became tight fisted with the dollar. I packed lunches for my husband, we ate leftovers and I bought mint condition clothing from second hand stores aside from my in-laws giving us new clothes and shoes for our sons. I always made sure I had food and beverages for our sons whenever we were on-the-go. We didn't frequent movie theaters either. We had picnics at the park, lake, went on bike rides and the like. I didn't frequent the hair salon either. Live within your means.

    Also, even though you're the primary breadwinner, help your wife no matter how fatigued you are. I "only" have two children but I remember my mother with 3 children and that extra child from 2 to 3 pushes anyone over the edge in the busyness and craziness factor. My husband helped me ever since we brought our newborns home from the hospital and to this day he helps pick up the slack such as grocery shopping, errands en route to home, gas tanks for both cars are always filled, housecleaning, laundry, cooking, takes out the trash, any chore, yard work, car maintenance / repairs, home maintenance / repairs and he does it without having to be asked. The secret to a happy marriage is not to give your wife a hard life.

    Your children are still quite young. When my sons were in 1st grade and my second son was a baby, I didn't want to go to work either so we made do. We drove older cars, didn't have car payments, lived in a smaller residence and kept a tight budget.

    Cut corners so your wife can stay home for a few years or at least until the baby is in school. Both of you will not be happy dumping small children at daycare which is very expensive btw. After daycare costs, there isn't much money leftover.

  4. #4
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    She is working - in the home, raising 3 children. Can you imagine how much you'd have to pay for child care for three young children?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    My experience was much the same as Cherylyn, maybe not quite as extreme but I was a SAHM too and money was tight. We made do with a lot of things. The cost of daycare would eat up any money I made, so there was no point.

    Can your wife set up an online job that does not require her to sit in front of a computer for 8 hours a day? Something she can do when the kids are napping or after they've gone to bed? We've been self employed almost forever and I run an online biz that I can do on my own time. I would not want it any other way, and it works well for parents of little kids.

  7. #6
    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I "only" have two children but I remember my mother with 3 children and that extra child from 2 to 3 pushes anyone over the edge in the busyness and craziness factor.
    That is it. Between running the kids to school, picking them up and appointments she is in the car for 2 hours a day most days. It is a lot of daily running with the 18 month old.

  8. #7
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    One year of daycare/camp for one child is $19k for me. And I pay another $6k for childcare/camp for the other who's in the 2nd grade So really, suck it up (and I don't mean to be mean, like at all)...you still have to figure out what to do with the kids with their zillion school days off or half days, doc appts, afterschool activities, sports, etc. My youngest had 2 -1/2 weeks off for winter break - ugh, pain. I'm lucky I have my dad to watch my kiddos. Some things to consider, cut cable, and stick to streaming with Amazon stick and software to do live TV for $100/year, and get rid of landlines. Shop in bulk in Costco. Price shop on your home, auto, etc.

    I mean, you only work 8 hours a day - that's really lucky. I work full-time, and in my position, still do another 10 hours/week at home, and on call 24/7. There was a time I was working another part-time job before the 2nd kid when that was doable because I had the time, and liked it, on top of 45+ hours at my other job.

    I mean, do you hate your job? That's why she might ask you to apply to someplace else.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I agree. Have you done the numbers? Will your wife's income supersede the costs of full time day care for 3 kids of different ages and needs. And is there enough difference to justify having someone else raise them? In the end if the difference is minimal, is it even worth the sacrifice?
    Who handles the house in everyone's absence?

    You seem resentful that she's not doing her share. You mention more than once that she doesn't want to work. I get the sense that you don't consider what she does for her family work.

    Maybe you ought to change places with her for while, have her work full time and you can handle the kids, the house and everything inbetween and maybe you both can have a little more empathy for each others contribution to this family.

    At the same time I understand the stress you are under. It's not easy choices, for sure.
    Did you have any discussions or agreements before you started a family?

  10. #9
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    Oh, I totally overlooked that it was 3 kids...oh, nevermind. You'd be looking at close to $2500/month for just daycare/preschool/aftercare, that's not including babysitting money when their school is closed. So that $30k a year. Last I check, taking care of 3 kids under 6 is super duper hard.

    Technically, SAHM's do about $162,000 worth of work annually for 96 hours a week. And on call 24/7, 365 days a years with no sick days
    - Cleaning
    - Cooking
    - Chauffeuring
    - Carpooling
    - Childcare
    - Finance
    - Activities Coordinator
    - Project Management
    - Laundry
    - Shopping
    - At home therapist
    - Educator
    - Raising future leaders

    So, really, instead of griping that you can't do this or that, and are pinching pennies, try putting yourself in her shoes, and say, "thank you!"
    Last edited by tattoobunnie; 01-16-2020 at 01:35 PM.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    Oh, I totally overlooked that it was 3 kids...oh, nevermind. You'd be looking at close to $2500/month for just daycare/preschool/aftercare, that's not including babysitting money when their school is closed. So that $30k a year. Last I check, taking care of 3 kids under 6 is super duper hard.

    Technically, SAHM's do about $162,000 worth of work annually for 96 hours a week. And on call 24/7, 365 days a years with no sick days
    - Cleaning
    - Cooking
    - Chauffeuring
    - Carpooling
    - Childcare
    - Finance
    - Activities Coordinator
    - Project Management
    - Laundry
    - Shopping
    - At home therapist
    - Educator
    - Raising future leaders

    So, really, instead of griping that you can't do this or that, and are pinching pennies, try putting yourself in her shoes, and say, "thank you!"
    Amen TB :)

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