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Thread: Need advice! Is he fair?

  1. #1

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    Need advice! Is he fair?

    Hello
    I have been together with my boyfriend for over 10 years. Some time ago I lost my job and after a year of looking I finally landed a job in the capital.
    He was suppose to follow me, but than a lot of things happened/changed in our lives, long distance is hard. To save the relationship finally I said I was prepared to look for a job in the smaller town he is in and move back.
    A short time after that I went through, and still am going through, an excruciating traumatic loss of my brother, I was suicidal, having very high anxiety, guilt, regret, PTSD, depression etc.
    I haven't been able to work for almost 2 years.
    So during most of that time I was at his place in his town.
    I kept coming back for a week or so every month to my place in the capital to meet with doctors, go to a clinic, and help my ill sister.
    Now I am supposed to start working again, part time and then gradually increase it.
    Thing is my work has been very understanding and patient with me needing a sick leave, and prepared to accept me starting working slowly only part time and been supportive.
    I tried to explain to my boyfriend that I need to start at my old job, cause they are understanding, moving to his town would mean I have to apply for new jobs at new places, who have no reason to be so understanding and they will not be willing to accept part time (in my field the norm is full time, almost impossible to find anything else), I would also be expected to prove why I am better than other applicants, and be curious and energetic at the first 6-12 months in order for them to keep and give me a permanent contract. I am no where near the level of confidence and well being and energy mentally to be able to do that, I really can't even bare the thought about writing CV and letter. a
    Even practically any new company would find out I have been on sick leave , no way to hide that, and they most probably won't hire me untill I have proven I have been working again for quite some time.
    Even my doctors and therapist said that they believe I am no where near ready to work full time, and its better if I have returned to my old work and when I have worked there full time for at least 6 months I could think about a new challenge.
    Also it would be much harder for me to find a job in the smaller town he lives in, but much easier for him to find a job in the capital where my current job is.
    Also with his background it's just generally much easier for him to find a job than me.
    Another thing is while he does have friends in his town, but I kind of really need my friends in the capital much more cause they have and still are being a support for me that has been important with all my anxiety.
    And moving to his place would mean I would loose contact with my therapist that have been with me during the hardest and knows so much, I can't imagine starting all over with a new therapist and I get even more anxious than I already I am just thinking about that.
    But he gets mad every time I mention all that. He tells me in no uncertain terms that he is not willing to move, that I had promised I would move, and that his job is better than mine cause he is working in an international company while I am not, and his salary is (20-25%) higher than mine. I tell him there are plenty of international companies in the capital and the salary would most probably be higher there, as I know my friends less experienced than him gaining significantly higher than him but he doesn't want to listen. He says he is comfortable where he is with current job and is planning his career at his current company.

    In addition to all that I really feel depressed in his town, I have lived there before and didn't have any happy memories, I always feel out of place there.
    To make things worse I am in the end of my 30s and really want a family, he does too. But I just don't know how I am going to do it, and I feel like time is running out for me already and I don't know what to do.
    Is he fair?
    Am I unreasonable?
    Please help, I would really appreciate to read your opinion/thoughts, I am goig crazy
    Thank you!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You definitely have a lot on your plate and a relationship of ten years and life plans, there needs to be some compromising.
    But having said that I think you are asking a lot of your boyfriend.

    Not to be insensitive, but he can't accommodate his entire life to manage your ongoing issues.
    It's placing too much responsibility on him to make things all better.

    It might be best to put things on the back burner and you dedicate some more time into dealing with what's going on with you and getting in a healthier place where you can contribute equally and be better prepared to bring a child into this mix.

    From what you've shared, I can sense his possible resentment

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    You definitely have a lot on your plate and a relationship of ten years and life plans, there needs to be some compromising.
    But having said that I think you are asking a lot of your boyfriend.

    Not to be insensitive, but he can't accommodate his entire life to manage your ongoing issues.
    It's placing too much responsibility on him to make things all better.

    It might be best to put things on the back burner and you dedicate some more time into dealing with what's going on with you and getting in a healthier place where you can contribute equally and be better prepared to bring a child into this mix.

    From what you've shared, I can sense his possible resentment
    I agree with this. And I am surprised that you know you don't have it in you to apply for a new job in a new place and yet you want to bring a child into the world? And on top of that with no financial stability and a partner who is not your legal spouse so he doesn't have to provide for you/a child either. Please reconsider your priorities. What I would do is stand on your own two feet and with those feet take the baby steps to get your life back in order - a job, financial stability. For now I'd relocate for the job you actually can do right now and see your boyfriend less often. The space might do the two of you well. Ten years is a long time and it sounds like for a third of that time he's had to support you financially and also deal with your significant health issues. That's a lot to ask.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Even my doctors and therapist said that they believe I am no where near ready to work full time, and its better if I have returned to my old work and when I have worked there full time for at least 6 months I could think about a new challenge.
    Then don't you think you should love yourself enough to do what you have been advised to do by the professionals who are caring for you?

    Time to focus on you and your recovery and forget about him and his unyielding stance towards your health and this 'relationship.'

    "To save the relationship?" You need to save yourself first. Right now, in your mental condition you are in no way ready to be able to handle the hormonal changes of pregnancy and the stress of raising a newborn. Look after you, do what your docs recommend and let the rest of it stagnate for now.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. It sounds like the better option is to stay in your own home town with your friends, family, doctors, job and other support. Do not try to convince your bf to move there. This is where you are creating problems for yourself and him. You are creating an argument of "my needs are bigger than your needs and things are easier for you than for me".

    This is where the problem is. You need to face the fact that you are no longer compatible and would be better off in your area with your people. He does not have to follow you there, so stop jamming the wherefores and whys at him. It's been 10 years and still this type of standoff and so much misery..
    Originally Posted by Najwa
    But he gets mad every time I mention all that. He tells me in no uncertain terms that he is not willing to move

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Najwa
    He was suppose to follow me, but than a lot of things happened/changed in our lives, long distance is hard. To save the relationship finally I said I was prepared to look for a job in the smaller town he is in and move back.
    What happened?

    Why did he not wind up moving to join you, and you felt compelled to move to him to save the relationship?

    I feel there are some missing puzzle pieces here that would help us better understand his current refusal to move.

    Also, as the others have said, if you find the thought of even writing a CV overwhelming and unbearable, trying to start a family right now would be disastrous. Focus on getting your life and mental health back on track, then think about kids. With respect, now is really not the time.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    What happened?

    Why did he not wind up moving to join you, and you felt compelled to move to him to save the relationship?

    I feel there are some missing puzzle pieces here that would help us better understand his current refusal to move.

    Also, as the others have said, if you find the thought of even writing a CV overwhelming and unbearable, trying to start a family right now would be disastrous. Focus on getting your life and mental health back on track, then think about kids. With respect, now is really not the time.
    Totally agree!!!!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    OP there is still plenty of time for you to have a family. Cameron Diaz just had a baby and she is 47!

    What you do not want to do is rush into having a child within a relationship that isn't stable, or while you yourself are in a very unstable place. Having a child does not make a relationship better.

    I agree with the other posters that you need to focus on you... connection, our tribe, and support system are a valuable form of wellness that must not be dismissed.

    You will find another boyfriend. You can always adopt when you find someone stable. Don't ever compromise your health... physical, mental, spiritual, to stay in a relationship.

  10. #9

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    Thanks for reading and commenting!
    I am curious to understand better your reasoning, you say he canít his life to accommodate my issues.
    I donít expect him to be my only support or to fix me somehow, my friends and therapist help, they happen to be both in the capital though. An understanding job really helps a lot too.
    I feel that for the, day next 9-12 months it would really have been helpful if he either moved here till I work full time again, and then I would be better able to get a new job.
    Or at least otherwise accept a long distance for that time without making me feel guilty about and pressuring g me.
    He says the reason for him not wanting to move is that his job is better as I explained, more important, but he is not even willing to look in the capital where there are most probably better jobs and choices even for him.
    I feel like the whole burden of saving the relation falls on me alone and I get no brakes, which makes me sad.
    Regarding my mental state I have come a very long way from the first year, I started exercising even, I am meeting my friends when ever I am in the capital, I have joined him to visit his friends, I have been baby sitting lots of kids and babies and have developed a good relation with them, I got a pet I take very good care of, but I do need to gradually work, and in an understanding place to begin with.
    I do feel that caring of a child and going back to work demand a very different type of energy, and at 38 I am expecting it would take us a year trying and than 9 months pregnancy, unless I miscarriage the first which is quite common, so I think I would be in a much better place. I would say I am doing fairly ok in general now considering all, I take care of the house, I can even plan some small activities sometimes, but going back to work is a hard and different challenge, and I do really feel much better with the support of my current work, friends and therapist, so for the near future till I get even better it really would have been nice if I had more support in that, I feel, rather than being alone to be responsible for making it work, solely on his conditions, but maybe I am missing some point, would love to hear your opinion.
    Thanks

  11. #10

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    Thanks for all the replies, really appreciate hearing it. So some people asked about some more bits of the puzzle.
    So here it comes:

    This is long, sorry!

    I (38)have been together with my boyfriend (38) for 11 years. I lost my job and had to look for a new one, after a year of searching I finally found one but in the capital 3 hours away by car.
    we decided he would follow me. Shortly after I moved he got a promotion. I was happy and foolishly told him he doesn't need to move immediately, he could stay for a year to get more experience so he could get the same type of work after moving. He seemed to totally like that idea.

    We grew slowly a bit apart, too tired to commute every weekend after a while, we started seeing less of each other, then we were on a break according to me, which I initiated, but he understood it as a break up. Many months later I tell him I want to try again, he is unsure and keeps me waiting and hoping for his decision for many months, I was a mess and took it upon me to try to fix all past problems, I even offered to move back. He then told me he had started to see someone, so he says that complicate things, but he adds itís not serious. He eventually said yes we try again and that he had broke it off with the girl he was seeing.

    Shortly after I had a very violent trauma in my life, violent loss of brother,I became suicidal and had high anxiety and had to have sick leave. Yet I was really trying to work hard on the relation, to smile, to always be interested in him, supportive, etc., but he was cold, distant, and often got snappy with me. I spent most of that time at his place.
    He got somewhat better after a year, then I found out from the girl he had supposedly broken up with that he was still seeing her.

    I confronted him, He told me he was trying to break up with her but she wouldn't have it, crying hysterically, he didn't know how to handle the situation. He also had told her that he had gotten back with me still as things were not really over between them, so he felt he hadn't been fair to her, and that he was with her when I sort of insisted we could try again. So she was actually the victim. But that he wanted to be with me, he loved me, yet he understood that maybe I wouldn't want that now.
    I truly believe he has a very hard time breaking up with someone. His plan was to drag it out and hope the other person would get tired.
    We had a long talk, then we decided we would try to overcome this. He stopped having contact with her.

    went back to his city and spent many more months there, but visit my place at the capital every now and then for a short time. But now the problem is I When I try to explain it would be easier if he moved he always gets angry, telling me different non convincing reasons. Recently he said his job was more important because he was working for an international organization while I am not. and that would give us possibility to move abroad.
    I told him that with his background it is much easier for him to find a job than me, and he admitted, and in the bigger capial where I am there are many more possibilities than the small city he is in, my bigger city is the capital so there is no shortage of international companies and headquarters and high management/sales positions. In addition I am still in a difficult position with PTSD, anxiety, depression, and horrible guilt and regret. I need my close friends especially since I don't have a family so my friends are my family, and they live in the capital not his city.

    I also need to continue see my therapist who have been a lifeline, and my therapist is at the capital and I can't imaging start all over with a new one and going over the traumatic experience I had from the start. Also my work knows about the trauma and have been understanding and patient and willing to accept my long sick leave as well as me starting slowly part time. A new company would not be so understanding, and I would have to work 100% immediately and convince them why I am better than all other applicants and act positive and curious and very engaged, to prove I am worthy of a long term contract. Mentally I am just really nowhere near that strong. I also told him that during the hardest period of my life that I do not wish on any human being, he was cold with me and busy taking romantic trips with his other girlfriend. If he was truly sorry, how about moving to the capital where I have my job and friends and where he probably would even find better opportunities?
    No. He made it very clear he won't budge.
    I literally get an even worse depression in his town. Feel out of place and so alone.

    He keeps telling me I had promised I could move, and all what happened since then which make it so much harder, doesn't make him budge.
    I would really appreciate some inputs from outside. Am I being unreasonable? Is he being unreasonable?

    TL;DR : had promised my long distance boyfriend Iíd move to his town, after a traumatic loss of my lbrother leaving me with PTSD, depression, anxiety , needing my supportive friends in my town, and mentally unable to work full time, which would be required if I am to work in his town, as well as finding out he was unfaithful with his ex in the worst year of my life and was cold and even rude with me, he always gets angry when I tell him itís easier if he moves to me and insists itís his way or no way. Am I, or him, unreasonable? Opinion/advice?

    Thanks

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