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Thread: Help!

  1. #21
    Member ArtLover51's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    So you have been looking after him already so why now are you feeling put upon? Either that or they are just assuming you will look after him now. When they thanked you, Why didn't you take the opportunity to tell them what you've told us here? That would have been the opportune time to get all things ironed out. You can still talk to them about it but you'll have to be the initiator of the conversation unless they thank you again or somehow bring up his need for care.

    Talk to a lawyer (most will give you a half hour of their time for free) about options.
    I just found out today about the C-Diff. I donít think he has told his family. His nephew is an RN at the hospital he is at and his niece is an X-ray tech at that hospital as well.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why are his family fobbing him off on you? What happens if you contract this? He has healthcare/medicare, so you doing this makes no sense. He can stay in his own residence and get appropriate home care. This is mismanagement on his and his family's part. You are not married. This looks like a medical/legal nightmare happening for you. Just say you can't. Don't be manipulated. If something happens to him, his nephew, the RN could be the first to run to a lawyer. Do Not Do This.
    Originally Posted by ArtLover51
    His nephew is an RN at the hospital he is at and his niece is an X-ray tech at that hospital as well.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ArtLover51
    I just found out today about the C-Diff. I donít think he has told his family. His nephew is an RN at the hospital he is at and his niece is an X-ray tech at that hospital as well.
    Then you have to speak up and tell them that you don't want to be exposed and they need to keep him in care until he recovers or... they make legal arrangements to have you cared for if you should be incapacitated and he's not able to care for you. Quid-Pro-Quo if you will.

    Do what you're going to do WELL BEFORE they are ready to release him.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Not only that... what ever happened to "in sickness and in health." Dr. Phil isn't always right nor does everyone have the financial means to hire someone... especially in the states where the health care is private and based on capital gain.
    Except that they aren't married or even living together.

    Staying with someone through sickness and health is not the same as being their caregiver.

    Caregiver burnout is extremely common in these scenarios.

    My grandfather in law was cared for by his wife 24x7 for many years without a break until his family finally put their foot down and hired someone to take care of him. You could see the impact this was having on her overall health and well being, and his as well as she was exhausted.

    Not everyone has the financial means BUT.... if a person can find a way, shuffle expenses, find community resources, get family assistance etc. hiring a professional, even part time, is a must in these scenarios.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    - Yes, but these are two different things. This is a temporary illness, correct?
    Not only that... what ever happened to "in sickness and in health." Dr. Phil isn't always right nor does everyone have the financial means to hire someone... especially in the states where the health care is private and based on capital gain.
    Well, I believe Dr. Phil was right in that instance on the show - you can't be both an effective lifetime caregiver and romantic partner, they are two different roles. The romantic love would probably die eventually and they would just have a caretaker-patient relationship. (But this thread is different, it's temporary illness).

    I like Dr. Phil and he says some great things - but you are right, he's not always correct.

    I do like your romantic view of "in sickness and in health".

  7. #26
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ArtLover51
    I just found out today about the C-Diff. I donít think he has told his family. His nephew is an RN at the hospital he is at and his niece is an X-ray tech at that hospital as well.
    Have to echo Wiseman on this. First of all if he is this sick, then he needs to either stay in the hospital or go to a convalescent facility where he will be provided with proper medical care and physical therapy. His family needs to know the truth and needs to arrange for this. Since he is covered by Medicare, this is not some huge financial burden on the family to get him what he needs. Need in this case trumps wants. Of course he'd rather just go home and have you play nurse. Unfortunately, it's a situation where he can't get what he wants, he has to do what he needs to get properly well instead. You taking him into your home at this point is not doing him any favors and quite the opposite, interfering with medical care that he actually needs.

    Also agree that should something go sideways while he is under your unqualified care, his kids will turn on you in a heartbeat and run to a lawyer. Their thank you's will turn to threats and lawsuits. Tell the kids what's going on with him, tell the truth that this is gone way beyond your capacity and let them make proper care arrangements for him.

    Btw, refusing to get married but calling you his wife when he needs to use you is manipulative af. You might want to take a big step back and think on that a bit.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    Well, I believe Dr. Phil was right in that instance on the show - you can't be both an effective lifetime caregiver and romantic partner, they are two different roles. The romantic love would probably die eventually and they would just have a caretaker-patient relationship. (But this thread is different, it's temporary illness).
    When you love someone and you've been partners for years, you don't lose "love" at all it just transitions it doesn't "die." I didn't see the show so I'll take your word for it that he was "right" in that instance. I have no details to go on so can't debate you on it.

    I like Dr. Phil and he says some great things - but you are right, he's not always correct.
    I like him too and more often than not, respect his opinion.

    Op: You are reluctant to speak up because I think you're hoping that they/he will look after you should anything cause you to be looked after. Instead of relenting to do something you don't want to do, or fear doing then speak up and get it arranged that he stay in hospital until he is better... in the meantime, make arrangement for your own health care and financial interests. Who is your Health and Financial Power of Attorney? If you don't have one, you best make that appointment with a lawyer today.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    His family keeps thanking me for taking care of him. For his other issues, it's okay to to help out when needed, but if it's so much you're getting burned out, do communicate with the family about dividing duties. It sounds like you're getting into doormat mode. You need to speak up for yourself.

    And as I saw on a Dr. Phil episode where a woman took care of her paralyzed husband's duties all day long. Dr Phil said a partner cannot be both a romantic partner and a nurse/caretaker. That they needed to hire a professional.

    It's of course loving to care for a partner in need, but if this is now going to be daily, longterm duties, it's best he hires help.
    YES! What Andrina said!

  10. #29
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    What has not been addressed here is he totally did not want marriage or living together because "he didnít want us to become a financial or medical burden on each other at this stage of life." So basically, he called all the shots so that he would not have any problems taking off if she became sick or needy. Now he is sick and needy and expects her to sacrifice herself for him, he will "stay" with her -- what a bargain, but I guarantee, if this were reversed, he would not be around to look after her. This is ridiculous. I understand they have been together for 10 years, but together in what sense? They Netflixed together? What did they share that she should take on such a burden from someone who was completely unwilling to make a commitment to her. I understand she feels some obligation to him because they have been in this "relationship" but with no commitment, he needs to arrange other care and she can visit. At best, that is what she would get from him. And as for his family, he is their problem and she needs to tell them that. My MIL spent 12 years in a relationship with a guy who had plenty of money and lived across the street (neither was interested in marriage at this point). But he was ALWAYS there for anything she needed and he took her on trips, etc. and significantly included her in his will. She did a lot of taking care of him, but also made it clear to his family that they had a responsibility to look after him.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I had this conversation with someone who's parent was terminally ill the same time my mother was. You don't really know the challenges until you are faced with them.

    I respected their wish to bring the parent home and do all the care themselves. It's very commendable.

    At the same time while facing difficult decisions for my mother, my mother wouldn't want my brother and I doing the work. Being in a position to bath and change diapers for a relative changes the dynamic. My mother wasn't having any part of it. I now feel the same way. Having said that, it seemed to make sense to hire someone to do the difficult work, while my brother and I can continue to enjoy that time with her.

    As far as the comment `in sickness and in health' That's what marriage vows are for and I think it's different when you commit to someone legally for a long duration, that you are agreeing to handle the hard stuff when the time comes.

    The guy by his own decision wanted to keep things light and separate. This is the down side of that agreement.

    I've seen it before. My parents next door neighbors. Seniors, cohabiting with no legal arrangement. The man becomes terminally ill. The woman takes great care of him and can also afford daily nursing. Estranged kids from another state swoop in and take dad away against both their wishes. She never saw him again and the kids were protecting their inheritance. It was rather heartbreaking.

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