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Thread: Advice regarding relationship with pregnant GF

  1. #21

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Is she from somewhere else? No, your friends and their gfs are not her support system. Her own family who she can contact herself are. Stop focusing on money and your house. Your relationship is conflicted, focus on that. Stop micromanaging her and treating her as a roommate. Get to a doctor for evaluation of your lassitude, low libido and excess worrying. Therapy would be a great idea particularly to adapt to living as an adult away from your mother and father.
    She's from a city 30 miles away. So what can I do to engage her family more and get her to speak to them? Talk to them myself? Please explain your micromanaging comment aswell. You keeping saying I'm treating her as a roommate without expanding on it.

  2. #22

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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    If she weren't pregnant, it'd be your choice to bail or see if couples counseling improved things. Now that she is pregnant, you owe it to your child to get back to that happy place you two used to occupy. Speaking to you like she does will eat away at your love for her, and it already has, hence your lack of libido and feeling like a weight would be lifted off of you if she ended it with you. This needs to stop now. You two need professional guidance and homework to work on skills to improve communication and to come to a consensus on major decisions in a more mature and caring way.

    Once the baby is born, I'd encourage her to join a Mommy and Me class/get togethers, so she can make her own friends, and a good way not be always isolated in the house with the baby. You might also bond with her by going to a pregnancy class where breathing techniques are taught to help with contractions, and how the spouse can help support her during the process.

    You could also get some couples books on communicating and taking turns reading the book out loud together. Tell her you want the relationship to be the best possible, and this will help the both of you in maintaining a happy relationship.

    I don't know if her house ideas are reasonable or unreasonable. The way you describe her, she sounds very negative about everything, like she's never satisfied, no matter what. How is she with everyone else in her life? I wouldn't make any rash decisions about moving until you see that this relationship is steady, especially since she says you have all the power with more earnings and her stake in the house is questionable. It's like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Good luck and I hope things can improve with counseling. Even though babies are a joy, they actually add a lot of stress to a union, so that union will crumble if it's only built with sea sand instead of solid concrete. You don't have much time to build that solid foundation, so look into counseling today.
    Thank you for this reply, there's some good advice here, I like the classes idea and I'll look into some in our area. Will also look at counselling tonight and suggest it.

  3. #23
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    Only saying this from several friends who've been like this...all the complaining about things, living situation, this and that, really came down to not getting a ring put on it after moving in together.

    So instead of realizing their crappy attitude delays getting engaged, then nag and nag as a way to deflect how they are really feeling. Essentially self sabotage, so they themselves don't get so heartbroken.

    And moving with an infant - hahahahhahahha - yeah, nope. Think of your place, and double the amount the stuff, and that's your baby stuff. But it's doable. It's just so not easy. Best is when they are still cooking, but really, babies don't take up a lot of room, nor need their own room when they are itty bitty. Tell her to save some money for closing costs, and they you both get to pick a house together. But between the lines, her attitude (from what I've seen with friends) is wondering if you'll make an honest woman out of her.

    But if you cannot picture being with her, then you just have to rip off the bandaid, and tell her how you feel.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Wow, there are a ton of issues here. I would suggest counseling to sift through them all.

    Viagra might be a quick/temporary fix for the Intimacy issues.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She doesn't have a phone/wifi to contact them herself?
    Originally Posted by colinbest2
    So what can I do to engage her family more and get her to speak to them? Talk to them myself?

  7. #26

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    She doesn't have a phone/wifi to contact them herself?
    Yes she does but from what she tells me she doesn't really discuss much with them. When I asked if she discussed anything with them and tried to use them as support she said no.

  8. #27

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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    Only saying this from several friends who've been like this...all the complaining about things, living situation, this and that, really came down to not getting a ring put on it after moving in together.

    So instead of realizing their crappy attitude delays getting engaged, then nag and nag as a way to deflect how they are really feeling. Essentially self sabotage, so they themselves don't get so heartbroken.

    And moving with an infant - hahahahhahahha - yeah, nope. Think of your place, and double the amount the stuff, and that's your baby stuff. But it's doable. It's just so not easy. Best is when they are still cooking, but really, babies don't take up a lot of room, nor need their own room when they are itty bitty. Tell her to save some money for closing costs, and they you both get to pick a house together. But between the lines, her attitude (from what I've seen with friends) is wondering if you'll make an honest woman out of her.

    But if you cannot picture being with her, then you just have to rip off the bandaid, and tell her how you feel.
    Fair, marriage is a point I haven't seen it from. Its something we've spoke out but not alot, shed always told me a baby and moving us was more important to her but she could well be just saying that then.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by jimthzz
    So give up this idea that a six-month-old baby is easie tpo deal with while home shopping than now.

    You can use the equity in your current home a a down payment. Talk to a loan company about bridge loans. keep saving that money regardless.

    If the issue for your GF is the lack of space, window dressings don't mean squat.

    BTW, she may be thinking a little farther down the road than yo are. Where there is one baby there can soon be two... So if that is in the cards, a bigger home ONCE makes sense.
    Originally Posted by colinbest2
    I agree and she does make the point that it is her who is going to be in the home alone with the baby the majority of the time so she wants it to be perfect and I understand that. What I've neglected to mention which is another problem for me is my mortgage is a fix rate of 3 years with a year left. To leave early would cost 2% of my mortgage amount basically meaning I'd be paying 1.7k to the mortgage company to get out of the agreement.
    Does the term "chicken feed" translate from American to British slang?

    That amount is barely a blip in the long run.

    Can you calculate the amount of stress relieved in your household against that amount?

    BTW. Another wrote in this thread that maybe a ring and a date for marriage may be what this is all about. yes, it is 2020, but there is something to be said about legitimizing a relationship before the baby is born.

  10. #29

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    Originally Posted by jimthzz
    Does the term "chicken feed" translate from American to British slang?

    That amount is barely a blip in the long run.

    Can you calculate the amount of stress relieved in your household against that amount?

    BTW. Another wrote in this thread that maybe a ring and a date for marriage may be what this is all about. yes, it is 2020, but there is something to be said about legitimizing a relationship before the baby is born.
    Yeah I guess I am making this seem all about money and whether I think we can or can't afford it. I have savings. I don't think we'd struggle but I just don't know what to expect when the baby is here.

    Appreciate I'm probably coming across as an arsehole and putting money above my gf and baby but that really isn't my intention. Maybe I should ignore my opinions and just cave into her wants and agree to buy a house if that's what's going to make her happy.

  11. #30
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    Ugh, now I'm starting to remember - I am also speaking from personal experience. After moving in, I was expecting to get engaged soon, especially after this romantic trip. It didn't happened, and he started endlessly on WOW. He started promising to get married. I started nit picking. Then when I got prego, and he manipulated me into getting an abortion, and promises of getting married, but never happening, the nit-picking really picked up. We broke up soon thereafter, which brought me to enotalone.

    Either way, read Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. It seems neither of you are able to really say what you mean and understand each other. Her nit picking turns you off cuz you feel unsupported. Your lack of giving to her makes her feel unloved. Really, you are experiencing what a lot of couples can experience at any given time. It's either you want two won't to make it work, and get some counseling to communicate effectively moving forward as parents and partners, or just move on. But I have a strong feeling you'll still find yourself in the same situation with another person and another. Communication is something you learn; no one is born to do it.

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