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How to handle this situation?


Flowerpower9

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Hello,

 

I relocated for work 4 years ago with my partner. I made a few friends in work but my closest friend was a girl I met in training. She did not work in my office so I only saw her when we arranged to meet. We became very good friends, texting every day practically, which is not something I do with my lifelong friends but I think this is common for her in her friendships.

 

For the past 3-6 months I feel like she has been distancing herself from me. Ending conversations, and only talking about topics that can be viewed as “small talk”. She refuses to now meet me during our lunch breaks yet tells me about all the other people she meets. She says she is only available to meet in the evenings which causes me an expense to have to drive all the time to where she lives and evening meals out when before we would eat our packed lunch together so no cost. However I have been doing this when she is available (now only every few months).

 

I can’t think what I have done wrong other than trivial disagreements over minor stuff. The disagreements were fleeting and never heated. Things like she believes we shouldn’t try and reduce plastic whereas I said well we don’t want animals dying in the oceans. To me it was trivial and conversations like that have only happened a couple of times. I wouldn’t think it was worth ending a friendship over. Perhaps it’s not even that and I’m clutching at straws.

 

The issue now is that rather than cut me out, she continues to contact me but it feels like she regularly puts me on mute (something I know she does with other people), and the conversations feel so superficial and weird. A few time’s she has come to my office in the past couple of weeks to speak to a different colleague and essentially blanked me, save for a half wave and no eye contact. No “how was your Christmas” etc. Then sends me a text about meeting in a few months time.

 

So I just don’t know how to behave. It would be easier if she just cut me out! Instead I’m having to pretend I don’t notice her rude behaviour/ behaviour change, and can’t call her out on it for fear she would just say it’s all in my head.

 

I have never had a friend treat me like this and have a lot of lifelong friends, whereas I believe she may have done this to others and I was aware she also put a HR complaint in about a girl she used to be very close to.

 

The clincher is she was a really good friend to me when my ex cheated. She looked after me, let me stay at her house, ensured I ate etc. I couldn’t have got through that time without her. And the loss of this friendship makes me feel so sad wondering what on Earth I have done. I don’t see how things could ever go back to normal though and if they did could I even trust her.

 

I need to know how should I proceed?

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The best thing to do is pull back from this as she has and focus on your partner. Try to fix or end that relationship rather than having emotional affairs to get even or soothe yourself. This coworker is finally acting appropriately for a workplace and you should do the same.

 

I relocated for work 4 years ago with my partner. I made a few friends in work but my closest friend was a girl I met in training.

 

For the past 3-6 months I feel like she has been distancing herself from me. Ending conversations, and only talking about topics that can be viewed as “small talk”.

 

The clincher is she was a really good friend to me when my ex cheated. She looked after me, let me stay at her house

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Yes I suppose. The fact she was there for me makes me want to hold onto the friendship but maybe it is better to just pull back too. We were very good friends, almost like sisters but now for whatever reason she has decided she would prefer not to have me as a friend. I know she has done this other friends too (I.e muting their messages) etc.

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So the friendship is no longer satisfactory for either of you. It happens. Don't spend money going her way to eat since that upsets you. Don't respond to weird, nowhere texts. Let the friendship fade just as she's doing. You put effort into people who put effort into you. Those situations happen to most of us. When you try to keep a varied support system, when one person leaves your circle, it won't be as upsetting like it would if you put all of your eggs in one basket.

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Some people come into your life for a reason, but they also leave and move on.

 

You've stated multiple times that this is her typical behavior with other people. So you really shouldn't be surprised or trying to blame yourself somehow. She is being true to herself and treating you exactly like others. It's ye olde if you want to know how someone will treat you, watch how they treat others.

 

Best thing that you can do is distance yourself same as she is doing. Also, work on making additional friends and otherwise building a more fulfilling life for yourself. Just because she was there for you during a bad time doesn't mean she owes you lifelong friendship going forward.

 

Food for thought - your ex was a cheater, this girl comes across as more than just rude, but potentially duplicitous and vindictive (reporting ex friend to HR). It kind of reads like you really need to work on your people picker because you seem to be drawn to nasty people and fail to see that they are such.

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I'm really sorry you are going through this. I have experienced the similar slow fade making me wonder what I did, jumping to conclusions or assumptions, etc. Here is what I would do to take care of you. I would give her twice the "space" she seem to need. If she texts do not ignore but respond briefly and do not initiate further contact. If she tries to make small talk be polite but again end it ASAP. No more dinners. Politely decline with no real explanation other than politely "oh thanks for the invitation. so sorry I can't make it that day"

 

In a similar situation the friend recently texted me "happy new year!" In the past I would have tried to initiate a discussion. Instead I simply responded "same to you!" -because I'm done putting myself out there for her. In my humble opinion you should to.

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I'm really sorry you are going through this. I have experienced the similar slow fade making me wonder what I did, jumping to conclusions or assumptions, etc. Here is what I would do to take care of you. I would give her twice the "space" she seem to need. If she texts do not ignore but respond briefly and do not initiate further contact. If she tries to make small talk be polite but again end it ASAP. No more dinners. Politely decline with no real explanation other than politely "oh thanks for the invitation. so sorry I can't make it that day"

 

In a similar situation the friend recently texted me "happy new year!" In the past I would have tried to initiate a discussion. Instead I simply responded "same to you!" -because I'm done putting myself out there for her. In my humble opinion you should to.

 

Absolutely! I have had "friends" do this too me too and I wondered what I did wrong. In the end it wasnt me, it was them. Back off and do as Batya says, dont be available to her anymore. People come and go in our lives all the time, for many varied reasons. This is not about you, it's about her and how she treats people.

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Absolutely! I have had "friends" do this too me too and I wondered what I did wrong. In the end it wasnt me, it was them. Back off and do as Batya says, dont be available to her anymore. People come and go in our lives all the time, for many varied reasons. This is not about you, it's about her and how she treats people.

 

And yes the wondering is awful - at least for me my mind went to all sorts of silly places. Perhaps it's best practices to ask the friend but I would think a friend who does that would give some lame excuse. I once did get "the truth" and it was her truth but such a wildly distorted version of reality - even given my default "I bet I did something wrong" that in a way it gave me closure. But ugh it was so stressful to read how she had seen things and interpreted things.

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Part of adulthood is making different kinds and degrees of friends to meet different needs. As kids we can form besties who become our 'everything' because we are blank slates and can homogenize with others. As adults we're more solidified in our personalities, and we won't be everyone's cup of tea. So a tennis friend might be bad at conversation, a movie friend might be great at discussing pop culture but not share our politics, a shopping friend might not share our need to be close beyond materialism, and a confidant may not like crowds or want to go to events or parties with us.

 

So the goal is to accept people as acquaintances within a small scope of commonality, and over time some of those might evolve into better friendships. But even good friendships may need to diverge at some point--and we don't always know why. Often, we're just not a priority focus anymore.

 

The clincher is she was a really good friend to me when my ex cheated. She looked after me, let me stay at her house, ensured I ate etc. I couldn’t have got through that time without her.

 

Did she encourage you to return to your partner, or was she against that? Often times when people invest in helping us through a breakup, they get pretty miffed if we kiss and make up with the one who they witnessed as destructive.

 

I'd keep my distance, and read my sig.

 

Head high.

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I've recently realized that sometimes people change and that might mean that it's best if they aren't in your life anymore even if that hurts to admit. I've had a bad habit of holding onto friendships when they've become totally one-sided or even toxic just because I thought that because we had been friends for so long and been through so much together that that meant I had to fight to keep it alive. However, sometimes it really is best for you and your mental health to let go. In this case, that's what I would advise. It seems like all you are getting out of this relationship these days is stress, and it's just not worth that.

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I've recently realized that sometimes people change and that might mean that it's best if they aren't in your life anymore even if that hurts to admit. I've had a bad habit of holding onto friendships when they've become totally one-sided or even toxic just because I thought that because we had been friends for so long and been through so much together that that meant I had to fight to keep it alive. However, sometimes it really is best for you and your mental health to let go. In this case, that's what I would advise. It seems like all you are getting out of this relationship these days is stress, and it's just not worth that.

 

Truer words were never spoken! Funny how good you feel when you quit banging your head against the wall :-)

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When I was about 16, just started working, forming new relationships and fretting about losing childhood ones, my mother told me that I can expect to change my circle of friends about every 5 years. Not sure where she got her information or how true it is, but it did help me at a young age and going forward to roll with the changes.

 

Ultimately it was true. With the exception of a couple, I've made new friends that fit different phases of my life. My old friends have done the same.

 

Embrace the inevitable and don't take it personally.

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Are you sure you can't just talk to your friend and ask her to tell you what's going on? I mean, if you were really good friends then you deserve an explanation? I know it's an awkward conversation but if it's driving you crazy then isn't it better to know? On the other hand she might not have a concrete answer for you because you may have done nothing wrong. People do just drift apart sometimes.

 

The other thing too is you were new in this city, but she's not, right? So she probably has a lot of other friends and has family somewhere nearby too? So in a sense she doesn't need you as much as you need her. Do you think that maybe she thought you wanted to spend too much time with her and she doesn't want to hang out with only one person all the time? I mean she also needs time for herself and to see other people too. I don't actually know you guys of course, I'm just speculating....

 

I guess unfortunately she's not really your best friend or "Like a sister". I have basically lifelong friends too and they don't just start drifting on me. Well, yet anyway! Lol If someone starts to distance themselves then that probably means they don't value your friendship that much....

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Are you sure you can't just talk to your friend and ask her to tell you what's going on?

 

Sure, and if that answer is no, then what does that tell you about the friend and the friendship in the first place?

 

If she's someone who you don't feel safe to speak with, then she's someone who you're better off without.

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