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Thread: How to handle this situation?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Absolutely! I have had "friends" do this too me too and I wondered what I did wrong. In the end it wasnt me, it was them. Back off and do as Batya says, dont be available to her anymore. People come and go in our lives all the time, for many varied reasons. This is not about you, it's about her and how she treats people.
    And yes the wondering is awful - at least for me my mind went to all sorts of silly places. Perhaps it's best practices to ask the friend but I would think a friend who does that would give some lame excuse. I once did get "the truth" and it was her truth but such a wildly distorted version of reality - even given my default "I bet I did something wrong" that in a way it gave me closure. But ugh it was so stressful to read how she had seen things and interpreted things.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Part of adulthood is making different kinds and degrees of friends to meet different needs. As kids we can form besties who become our 'everything' because we are blank slates and can homogenize with others. As adults we're more solidified in our personalities, and we won't be everyone's cup of tea. So a tennis friend might be bad at conversation, a movie friend might be great at discussing pop culture but not share our politics, a shopping friend might not share our need to be close beyond materialism, and a confidant may not like crowds or want to go to events or parties with us.

    So the goal is to accept people as acquaintances within a small scope of commonality, and over time some of those might evolve into better friendships. But even good friendships may need to diverge at some point--and we don't always know why. Often, we're just not a priority focus anymore.

    The clincher is she was a really good friend to me when my ex cheated. She looked after me, let me stay at her house, ensured I ate etc. I couldn’t have got through that time without her.
    Did she encourage you to return to your partner, or was she against that? Often times when people invest in helping us through a breakup, they get pretty miffed if we kiss and make up with the one who they witnessed as destructive.

    I'd keep my distance, and read my sig.

    Head high.

  3. #13
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    I've recently realized that sometimes people change and that might mean that it's best if they aren't in your life anymore even if that hurts to admit. I've had a bad habit of holding onto friendships when they've become totally one-sided or even toxic just because I thought that because we had been friends for so long and been through so much together that that meant I had to fight to keep it alive. However, sometimes it really is best for you and your mental health to let go. In this case, that's what I would advise. It seems like all you are getting out of this relationship these days is stress, and it's just not worth that.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sammy1592
    I've recently realized that sometimes people change and that might mean that it's best if they aren't in your life anymore even if that hurts to admit. I've had a bad habit of holding onto friendships when they've become totally one-sided or even toxic just because I thought that because we had been friends for so long and been through so much together that that meant I had to fight to keep it alive. However, sometimes it really is best for you and your mental health to let go. In this case, that's what I would advise. It seems like all you are getting out of this relationship these days is stress, and it's just not worth that.
    Truer words were never spoken! Funny how good you feel when you quit banging your head against the wall :-)

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    When I was about 16, just started working, forming new relationships and fretting about losing childhood ones, my mother told me that I can expect to change my circle of friends about every 5 years. Not sure where she got her information or how true it is, but it did help me at a young age and going forward to roll with the changes.

    Ultimately it was true. With the exception of a couple, I've made new friends that fit different phases of my life. My old friends have done the same.

    Embrace the inevitable and don't take it personally.

  7. #16
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    Are you sure you can't just talk to your friend and ask her to tell you what's going on? I mean, if you were really good friends then you deserve an explanation? I know it's an awkward conversation but if it's driving you crazy then isn't it better to know? On the other hand she might not have a concrete answer for you because you may have done nothing wrong. People do just drift apart sometimes.

    The other thing too is you were new in this city, but she's not, right? So she probably has a lot of other friends and has family somewhere nearby too? So in a sense she doesn't need you as much as you need her. Do you think that maybe she thought you wanted to spend too much time with her and she doesn't want to hang out with only one person all the time? I mean she also needs time for herself and to see other people too. I don't actually know you guys of course, I'm just speculating....

    I guess unfortunately she's not really your best friend or "Like a sister". I have basically lifelong friends too and they don't just start drifting on me. Well, yet anyway! Lol If someone starts to distance themselves then that probably means they don't value your friendship that much....

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Are you sure you can't just talk to your friend and ask her to tell you what's going on?
    Sure, and if that answer is no, then what does that tell you about the friend and the friendship in the first place?

    If she's someone who you don't feel safe to speak with, then she's someone who you're better off without.

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