I know I didn’t do anything but I can’t stop blaming myself

Up until a few days ago, I thought my relationship was fine. Almost three years together and we’re saving up to get an apartment together. Over the weekend, my girlfriend was going to come to my place and we were going to drive to her mom, who lives about 2-3 hours from where we live. She wanted to do something before we left, I wanted to leave as early as possible, we didn’t get into a fight or anything but I was cranky and I apologized not too long after. We ended up not going because she overslept and we ended up not doing anything that day together since she picked up a gig before I could make plans with her.

Since then, she’s been extremely distant. It’s been a day or two now and texts have been minimal, she has been very formal with me when she has responded, hasn’t said “I love you” or sent heart emojis like we usually do, and she hasn’t called/picked up my call (1 or 2). I got a text this morning that she’s really busy and she “wants to take the week to herself” and that she’ll call me over the weekend. I get that she’s busy, but it takes a few seconds to send a text and I don’t think a few texts a day is asking a lot.

I get the sense she is angry at me, but over what I have no clue. Before what happened earlier that I wrote, everything was fine. The thing is, even if she is annoyed at me still for being annoyed that her itinerary for the day was different than mine, it was pretty minor and I apologized for coming off cranky about it.

But I don’t know. Basically, I feel like I’m beating myself up for (A) no reason and that she’s just really busy and wants a few days to herself for whatever reason or (B) for a situation that I shouldn’t be, since I am not sure how I am at fault for anything. Either way, I feel like I’m reflecting and trying to figure out what’s going on and automatically blaming myself even though I can’t find the problem. Any ideas on whats going on and/or how not to get down on myself like I currently am?

Edit: I saw on her social media that she said she’s taking a social media break, so I guess she really does feel super busy? But, honestly, that doesn’t help too much because I still feel like “I am her boyfriend, if she’s feeling overwhelmed she should be able to talk with me” and I wind up back at square one.

Does she give you the cold shoulder like this a lot or is this the first time?

You know, this just happened so I'd give her some time to cool off. Maybe she just had a bad day.

Give her some space - do something else, without her.

If she is "too busy" to even respond to a simple text, then she is giving you a very loud and passively-aggressive message.

If I were you, I would stop unannounced by and speak to her in person. Wall of silence is not good.

However, no more apologizing or begging, etc.

You may be in for a surprise, btw.

Is it out of the ordinary to stay out of contact fore a week?

The first time. We have a “streak” going back to when we first started dating that we’ve texted/talked every day, so obviously that’s gonna end now. I’m gonna respect her wishes and let her be the one to call me over the weekend.

Sorry this is happening. It seems you know her well enough to know she is still annoyed about the disorganized fiasco and moods over the weekend. Pull way back and give her space. This seems like a modified version of the silent treatment. Do not text her unless she texts you. respond in kind. Let her cool off and process.

She wanted to do something before we left, I wanted to leave as early as possible, we didn’t get into a fight or anything but I was cranky and I apologized not too long after.

I get the sense she is angry at me, but over what I have no clue.

I’m gonna respect her wishes and let her be the one to call me over the weekend.

Good plan. Did you reply to her text about wanting a week to herself?

If she is "too busy" to even respond to a simple text, then she is giving you a very loud and passively-aggressive message.

 

If I were you, I would stop unannounced by and speak to her in person. Wall of silence is not good.

 

However, no more apologizing or begging, etc.

 

 

You may be in for a surprise, btw.

 

Is it out of the ordinary to stay out of contact fore a week?

Responded in the wrong area.

Have you always had communication issues? This behavior is not okay.

You need to have a big talk on the weekend.

No, like I said, we always talk, even if it’s just a Good morning/what’s up?/goodnight kind of conversation. Until literally a few days ago nothing seemed the matter. I honestly don’t even know if anything is, and she just might want to be left alone for a few days (which, to be honest, is a little out of character and if nothing else, a little rude since a text takes two seconds).

Up until a few days ago, I thought my relationship was fine. Almost three years together and we’re saving up to get an apartment together. Over the weekend, my girlfriend was going to come to my place and we were going to drive to her mom, who lives about 2-3 hours from where we live. She wanted to do something before we left, I wanted to leave as early as possible, we didn’t get into a fight or anything but I was cranky and I apologized not too long after.

Can you elaborate on this point? What exactly did you say or do that you apologized for?

Knowing more about what transpired between you two could help us to contextualize her current behaviour more.

No, like I said, we always talk, even if it’s just a Good morning/what’s up?/goodnight kind of conversation. Until literally a few days ago nothing seemed the matter. I honestly don’t even know if anything is, and she just might want to be left alone for a few days (which, to be honest, is a little out of character and if nothing else, a little rude since a text takes two seconds).

Seeing that this isn't something she normally does, or abuses, I'd give her the time she's requesting.

Showing up and demanding a summit meeting wouldn't be a good idea.

If she did this thing routinely, then I'd call her out on it.

In the meantime, try to chill.

Easy for me to say, I get it. But from where I sit I don't see a whole lot of the other options.

OP while you may feel the conflict or disagreement was minor, clearly she did not.

Whatever it was that happened meant more to her than it did to you.

If you want to resolve the conflict you need to be willing to see her point of view and not push yours onto her.

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood."

Personally I’d want to be the boyfriend who was secure enough to just take her at face value and give her some space. Sometimes people hit bumps in the road or just get overwhelmed and need to “reset.”

Whatever she’s going through...SHE is going through it. Don’t be a weenie who makes it all about himself.

Personally I’d want to be the boyfriend who was secure enough to just take her at face value and give her some space. Sometimes people hit bumps in the road or just get overwhelmed and need to “reset.”

Gotta agree with this. She might just have a combination of things that are making her feel overwhelmed, unhappy. Just assume for now that things are okay with you and her and that she just needs time to clear her head about different things and not about you.

At this watershed moment, after 3 years together, you're working toward moving in together. It's a major life change. Maybe she's been really looking at your relationship and wondering if she really still wants that. Perhaps when you were grouchy, it gave her pause, if that's a mood you regularly exhibit.

Maybe it's not that, and something you couldn't have imagined until she tells you. Give her time to seek you out, and then you can have a heart to heart and find out what's going on. If she was just punishing you for one grouchy episode, tell her that you'd rather resolve an argument in a day than let it linger for a week, because you're supposed to be a team. You two should resolve this issue before you move in together, because it's not a pattern you want to set if you're going to have a future together. Good luck and keep us updated.

Can you elaborate on this point? What exactly did you say or do that you apologized for?

 

Knowing more about what transpired between you two could help us to contextualize her current behaviour more.

Since it is a long car drive and I had to do something minor for work at night, I wanted to leave earlier so we could be home earlier. I wasn't able to express that before she told me she wanted to go to the gym in the morning with her friend before coming to my house, meaning we'd be leaving an hour or two later than I wanted. When I asked if she could go to the gym earlier so she could get to me earlier, she said she was going the earliest the gym opened. I asked if she could skip the gym, and she didn't want to. I was kind of annoyed, so I said something along the lines of "Ok, fine, alright, whatever, I'll talk to you later" and we hung up. She texted me a little later that I can't just run away like that if I'm not getting my way. I responded that she was right and that I'm sorry.

Thinking about my normal everyday behavior, I don't think that I am like that with any kind of regularity, so I don't think it's a case of me being like that and her reaching her limit. At least I don't see a way that it can be perceived like that. Most of the time I'm pretty conflict avoidant (since in the grand scheme of things most things don't really matter that much) and I just go with the flow of most things.

I guess I'll know over the weekend.

Since it is a long car drive and I had to do something minor for work at night, I wanted to leave earlier so we could be home earlier. I wasn't able to express that before she told me she wanted to go to the gym in the morning with her friend before coming to my house, meaning we'd be leaving an hour or two later than I wanted. When I asked if she could go to the gym earlier so she could get to me earlier, she said she was going the earliest the gym opened. I asked if she could skip the gym, and she didn't want to. I was kind of annoyed, so I said something along the lines of "Ok, fine, alright, whatever, I'll talk to you later" and we hung up. She texted me a little later that I can't just run away like that if I'm not getting my way. I responded that she was right and that I'm sorry..

Has this sort of thing happened before?

How has the relationship truly been going recently?

I ask because she does sound annoyed with you, if I'm being honest. What is not clear to me is whether it's due to this specific episode or a culmination of things, perhaps which she hasn't previously clearly communicated to you.

Maybe she really didn't want to go visit her mom and/or with you.