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Thread: Asked a shy guy out - should I take this as rejection?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why be this specific or elaborate? If you want to find out if he wants to date you, make it a simple coffee/drink this weekend. Keep things low key so you can get a sense of the situation.
    Originally Posted by Magiccircle2
    I've known a shy guy for a few months now, through a hobby and our mutual friends.
    I decided to ask him out to an event this week- he replied saying he would have really liked to, but that he already had plans on that day.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Magiccircle2
    I've known a shy guy for a few months now, through a hobby and our mutual friends. At first I just thought was a nice guy, but then he showed such attentiveness & desire to get to know me, always doing me favours etc and he started to melt my heart. In fact the first time we met we talked for about 4 hours straight!

    Aside from this if we are all out in a big group I often catch him looking at me although he looks away when caught. And he compliments me quite a bit.

    So I decided to ask him out to an event this week- he replied saying he would have really liked to, but that he already had plans on that day. Ok fine. When I saw him today, he went bright red & could barely speak properly. He was still chatty as usual, but I definitely felt there was an elephant in the room and I wonder if made a mistake now. Bizarrely he didnt even mention the fact I had asked him out.

    What do you think?
    Ask him out again.

    Don't limit him to one day. Sit with him and work out the date.

    He isn't very good at this, so do the work.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Clio
    Imo, the ball is in his court. If he is that much of a coward that he can't ask you out after you asked him out, then imo he isn't worth it. It is one thing to be shy but to be spineless is quite another.
    Bit harsh.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Magiccircle2

    So I decided to ask him out to an event this week- he replied saying he would have really liked to, but that he already had plans on that day. Ok fine. When I saw him today, he went bright red & could barely speak properly. He was still chatty as usual, but I definitely felt there was an elephant in the room and I wonder if made a mistake now. Bizarrely he didnt even mention the fact I had asked him out.
    To start with , you didnít ask him out on a date. You asked him to go to an event.

    He replied he would have loved to go (to the event) but had other plans.
    Therefore not rejecting you personally. And after all , it was never stated from you that you woukd like to date him , just accompany him to an event which Iím guessing is related to this hobby you share?

    If you want to date someone and make it clear thatís your intention , you donít suggest going to something or somewhere that you know they have interest in , you ask them to go for a coffee or drink that is unrelated.

    He was still ďchatty as usualĒ
    That strongly suggests to me that he is not shy at all.

    Then you say that ďbizarrelyĒ he didnít mention the fact that you had asked him out????
    Why is that bizarre to you?? And why on earth would he mention it esp as you didnít actually ask him out on a date??

    You didnít make a mistake per se.
    But you are mistaking his response.

    If you want to ask him out on a date then do that.

    Ask him simply to go for a drink or coffee. If he says no or deflects somewhat , then yes he is rejecting your advances.
    But thatís nothing personal.
    If you arenít willing to do that , then forget about it completely.

    Good luck, let us know what happens!

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    To start with , you didnít ask him out on a date. You asked him to go to an event.

    He replied he would have loved to go (to the event) but had other plans.
    Therefore not rejecting you personally. And after all , it was never stated from you that you woukd like to date him , just accompany him to an event which Iím guessing is related to this hobby you share?

    If you want to date someone and make it clear thatís your intention , you donít suggest going to something or somewhere that you know they have interest in , you ask them to go for a coffee or drink that is unrelated.

    He was still ďchatty as usualĒ
    That strongly suggests to me that he is not shy at all.

    Then you say that ďbizarrelyĒ he didnít mention the fact that you had asked him out????
    Why is that bizarre to you?? And why on earth would he mention it esp as you didnít actually ask him out on a date??

    You didnít make a mistake per se.
    But you are mistaking his response.

    If you want to ask him out on a date then do that.

    Ask him simply to go for a drink or coffee. If he says no or deflects somewhat , then yes he is rejecting your advances.
    But thatís nothing personal.
    If you arenít willing to do that , then forget about it completely.

    Good luck, let us know what happens!
    I don't agree with how to ask someone out. I think it's completely fine -and preferable -to suggest an event you have a common interest in - while at the event one on one you can extend to a drink after or coffee. It takes the stress out of it and there are many ways to show interest without asking someone for a one on one date where there's that blatant come thither gloss over it. Some people feel more comfortable getting to know each other at an event with shared interest.

    Examples. I had a platonic friend years ago - I actually wasn't attracted to him -I didn't think I was! - my then boyfriend and I had broken up.

    A holiday was coming up where there was a related event I knew this guy was interested in - interested but he'd never gone because he'd never had someone to go with. So I said to him I was going and would he want to go with me, he might like it. So he said "you know I am just not up for it -but do you like sushi? can we meet for dinner?" Honestly I had no idea it was meant as a date. Even though he asked for dinner, even though a million things. We had dinner. I still didn't know but all of a sudden I felt attracted to him.

    A week later he asked me to see a movie with him and used the word "date". Then I knew. But thing is -I liked his company, I asked him to go to the event both so I would have someone to go with plus because I wanted to encourage him to get involved, and it didn't matter a bit that when he asked for sushi I didn't know it was meant as a date (we'd never gone anywhere one on one till then -in fact I'd only met him in person with our mutual friend-his brother!). All of that stuff comes out while at the event or at dinner or whatever.

    Same with my future husband. When we reconnected we met for dinner. It was absolutely not a date. When he asked me 6 days later to go to the theater I actually thought he meant with a group (no, one on one). By then I was attracted. It didn't matter to me at all that I didn't think he meant it as a date. I wanted to be around him, get to know him again. I didn't know he was interested in getting back together until two weeks later when he was back in town and asked me to dinner and told me he wanted to get back together. I suspected but didn't know. But it did not stop me at all from saying yes to his asking to get together. I just wanted to be around him. Same when we worked together in the 1990s and he asked me to lunch -had no clue of his intentions but I went and found out later. (oh and he was painfully shy back then-took him months to ask me to lunch).

  7. #26
    Bronze Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    I wouldn't ask him again. A guy who's interested in you will jump at the chance to do something with you and if he is really busy that day, he'll suggest something else to do on some other day. Noone is that shy (and I've had my share of shy guys).

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Eliza50
    I wouldn't ask him again. A guy who's interested in you will jump at the chance to do something with you and if he is really busy that day, he'll suggest something else to do on some other day. Noone is that shy (and I've had my share of shy guys).
    I agree completely -well put!

  9. #28
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sounds to me like you might have confused him being friendly with something more. If he was able to initiate all the talking and getting to know you when you first met, then he is not all that shy. He had no problem chatting you up, he would have no problem asking you on a date either. It just doesn't sound like that was his agenda in talking to you.

    Anyway, you asked, he realized that you are after more than he is into and politely turned you down. Leave it at that and treat him as a friend going forward. Nothing more nothing less. The whole thing was really very neutral, so no need to feel awkward about it. Now you know, so you can get over the crush and move on. Much better than waiting and wondering what if for months.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Keyman
    Okay, so now he's a coward and spinless because he didn't take you once only offer and isn't humping your leg.
    Beyond the male shaming tactics because he is not jumping through the hoops you want him to, what is the harm in talking to him again? You don't have to ask him out, just see if there is some interest there that can be worked with. If you are interested, then what's the harm.

    But, if you just have to have the classic man who will do anything in his power just to get to know you, just because you are you, then this likely isn't him. He's shy, and he is allowed to be without being denegrated.
    He doesn't have to be a classic man but having to be asked twice sure sounds like what you would call a classic woman in your paradigm 😛. Unless I missed something, no one suggested that she should stop talking to him, nor that she should walk up to him and shame him. She shouldn't have to be the one to jump through hoops either though. Imo, in all probability this guy is not a spineless coward at all. He is either just not that into her or he will ask her out at his own pace at some point now that she has expressed interest in going out with him. I am all for meeting people in the middle. Role reversals though to the point of having HER keep asking like the "classic man" you so colorfully painted, not so much.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Eliza50
    I wouldn't ask him again. A guy who's interested in you will jump at the chance to do something with you and if he is really busy that day, he'll suggest something else to do on some other day. Noone is that shy (and I've had my share of shy guys).
    That's been my personal experience too.

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