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Thread: Advice needed - she's hot and cold and ignores me

  1. #1
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    Advice needed - she's hot and cold and ignores me

    Hi everyone,

    first post here.. in a tricky situation with my girlfriend/ex-girlfriend (we haven't actually OFFICIALLY broken up)...

    she thinks I cheated on her because I met someone, exchanged numbers and then this person sent me pictures/videos I didn't ask for... I never once led this person on but should have said I had a girlfriend...

    Anyway, my girlfriend who I love a lot has broken up with me, saying I cheated on her when I never actually did. We message occasionally but she's always so hard to pin down, saying 'sorry im so busy, i can't see you'. We still love each other and this has been said, but she says she can't be with me nor can she forgive me... in my mind this is confusing because I have never actually been intimate with anyone else, but still understand her perspective. she ignores my messages or takes hours to respond and it is always me asking to meet up, and she comes up with excuses. it's driving me mad and is making me depressed. if anyone has any advice this would be amazing.

    the last message was a friendly one, which she read and hasn't replied in a day.

    thanks for all your help

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Technically maybe not cheating as in sex, but your gf can break up with you for any reason she wishes including indiscretions, bad judgement, etc. Just leave her be. Why not date video girl?
    Originally Posted by jsinclair89
    I met someone, exchanged numbers and then this person sent me pictures/videos
    my girlfriend who I love a lot has broken up with me, saying I cheated on her when I never actually did. she says she can't be with me nor can she forgive me.

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    Well if this was relationship judge and jury here , she would be putting her case forward as * intent to cheat * ......now I am not saying you would have , but she will never know that and as far as she knows this was the start , adding to her case ..you didn't tell the new girl you had a girlfriend .....so deep inside you buddy , if not honest to us then be honest with yourself ....did you just want attention , was you thinking about cheating ?

    You seem to be almost acting as though she hasn't ended it , saying how hard she is to pin down ...you shouldn't really be able to pin her down nor complain about how long it

    takes her to message back if she actually does message back.

    You need to back off and stop acting like this is ok because you didn't have sex ...it is called emotional cheating .
    Best thing for you now ..........................

    Accept she has ended it ...stop all contact , chasing her , trying to justify yourself ( because you are probably pushing her further then you can ever recover from ) and let her have time and space ...........let her miss you and mull it all over . I am not saying she will change her mind , but this is your best chance buddy ....back off and just get on with each day , as hard as it is .
    Last edited by pippy longstocking; 12-18-2019 at 07:54 AM.

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    While you might still technically be toghether i'm sorry to say she has left. Not sure why she hasn't verbalised the ending of it, maybe she wants you to do it so she doesn't look bad.

    I'd do what Pippy said. End all contact. Carry on with your life as if she's gone and theres a small chance she might come back but i doubt it. Linger, plead and bed and you are toast.

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    Originally Posted by pippy longstocking
    Well if this was relationship judge and jury here , she would be putting her case forward as * intent to cheat * ......now I am not saying you would have , but she will never know that and as far as she knows this was the start , adding to her case ..you didn't tell the new girl you had a girlfriend .....so deep inside you buddy , if not honest to us then be honest with yourself ....did you just want attention , was you thinking about cheating ?

    You seem to be almost acting as though she hasn't ended it , saying how hard she is to pin down ...you shouldn't really be able to pin her down nor complain about how long it

    takes her to message back if she actually does message back.

    You need to back off and stop acting like this is ok because you didn't have sex ...it is called emotional cheating .
    Best thing for you now ..........................

    Accept she has ended it ...stop all contact , chasing her , trying to justify yourself ( because you are probably pushing her further then you can ever recover from ) and let her have time and space ...........let her miss you and mull it all over . I am not saying she will change her mind , but this is your best chance buddy ....back off and just get on with each day , as hard as it is .
    Thanks a lot all of you who have taken the time to respond, it is appreciated. I consider all of the comments so far and take them on board... she has told me she still loves me and i have told her i still love her. i understand the comments regarding 'emotional cheating' and don't take them lightly and completely understand how it's made her feel, and how it came across. i never had any intention to act on the attention this other person gave me.

    re no contact... that to me feels like gameplaying. if i think about someone, i want to tell them that. if i want to say something, i will say it... i dont like to deliberate and not message someone purely because they dont have the time for me. im 30 and i feel these games are for people new to relationships... i may be totally wrong, but that's just how i feel about it.

    im not one to force myself on someone nor smother them, but i ewually dont want to come across as aloof and like i dont care... that is my concern about this whole no contact stuff...however, if i am constantly putting myslf out there and trying to orchestrate a meet up... there needs to be some sort of effort/willingness from her to fix a date in the diary... i've been through break ups before (as everyone has...) but this has really cut me deep as i had imagined spendng the rest of my life with this woman - a feeling i haven't had before...

    any further comments are welcomed and appreciated more than you all know!
    Thanks,

    JS

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    Originally Posted by ninjabib
    While you might still technically be toghether i'm sorry to say she has left. Not sure why she hasn't verbalised the ending of it, maybe she wants you to do it so she doesn't look bad.

    I'd do what Pippy said. End all contact. Carry on with your life as if she's gone and theres a small chance she might come back but i doubt it. Linger, plead and bed and you are toast.
    thanks for this - i am still slightly confused as to why this hasn't been formally ended... when i asked what is going on... she replied 'well i can't be with you because i don't know if you'll do it again, and i can never be sure'... i said that with time she can trust me again.

    it is an interesting point about her not ending it so that she doesn't look bad... but surely, as the injured party you'd just say it and have done with it? perhaps she doesn't want to end it with me because she still loves me.

    when i do 'pin her down' and we meet up, we have the best time. there is still a lot of chemistry and we have a great laugh. it's like there are 2 versions of her... the one over message who doesn't want to see me and never follows through on plans, and the 2nd version... where in person it's amazing and as if nothing has changed...

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Technically maybe not cheating as in sex, but your gf can break up with you for any reason she wishes including indiscretions, bad judgement, etc. Just leave her be. Why not date video girl?
    thanks for your comment. i don't want to date video girl as i never was nor will i ever be attracted to her!!!

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    re no contact... that to me feels like gameplaying
    Honest buddy , I am the last person to ever tell anyone to play games ... No contact gives the dumper space ...... as a dumpee your mind convinces you that you need to tell the dumper you are still in love , sorry , want to change , will grow a beard , will eat cold rice pudding , will do anything to please , to say sorry and to make it right ....and the reality is ...the dumper already knows this ...

    She knows you want to contact her , she knows you are sorry , she knows nothing happened in the sex/meeting up department ..she is equipped with all the info .....now let her think about what SHE wants ......no games just space . Trust me .

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    Originally Posted by pippy longstocking
    Honest buddy , I am the last person to ever tell anyone to play games ... No contact gives the dumper space ...... as a dumpee your mind convinces you that you need to tell the dumper you are still in love , sorry , want to change , will grow a beard , will eat cold rice pudding , will do anything to please , to say sorry and to make it right ....and the reality is ...the dumper already knows this ...

    She knows you want to contact her , she knows you are sorry , she knows nothing happened in the sex/meeting up department ..she is equipped with all the info .....now let her think about what SHE wants ......no games just space . Trust me .
    Yeah you’re right... I have made this very clear to her but I guess I just want to say it “one more time” and carry on saying it hoping it will go down well for a change... but in reality I doubt it would. So I won’t contact her... what do I do if she does message me though? Surely she will want to message me as it will be clear that I’m pulling away... and this would come as a surprise to her???

  11. #10
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    When I read the initial post, I thought you were in your early twenties, giving your number to a potential new female friend while in an exclusive relationship. IMO, that's normally the behavior of teens and people in their early twenties.

    It's time to grow up and realize that how you operated in your youth must evolve into more adult-like behavior when exclusive. If you have lifelong female friends that your new gf is introduced to and everyone gets along, great, that's fine. There's a big difference in seeking out new female friends when in a relationship that most women, including your ex, has an issue with. There's a very small pool of women who are okay with this, so good luck finding one.

    Before becoming exclusive with a woman, discuss relationship boundaries you both agree on, because if you don't match in your ideas, it will never work.

    What can you do now? Ask to meet and tell her you now see you two should have discussed relationship boundaries and you'd like to do that and move forward with her. Another rule should be that when you've resolved an issue, no further arguments should take place about it, returning forever to a past crime that a person has to keep atoning for. If none of that can happen, learn from your mistakes, cut all contact, and vow to date smarter in the future. As you can see, an ego boost from a female fan ruined the beautiful life you could have created with your gf.

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