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Thread: Please Help!!

  1. #1
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    Please Help!!

    My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have two children (14 and 5). We don't communicate very well in our marriage. Whenever he is upset with me, he usually just gives me the silent treatment until he feels better, and then just starts talking to me again without discussing the issues. I usually know there is another episode coming when he starts criticizing everything I do, and getting really irritable. The other day, I tried to show him something I had in my hand, and there was music playing, so I was kind of moving it. He yelled at me and said "I can't see what you're holding when you are moving it.....f@&$%ing idiot". I was just numb after he said that. He will say comments like that, call me a moron, or lazy. I just talked to him about it today and said I didn't like it when he called me names. He told me that he is frustrated with me because he doesn't think I pick up after myself enough, or discipline the kids to either. I feel like our house is pretty clean, but he gets really nitpicky, like if there is any scrap of paper on the floor, or a bowl tips over in the dishwasher and he thinks we're idiots and can't load it correctly. He does help out a lot around the house and cooks dinner, and I work full time +. He just thinks that he is the only one that picks up after himself, and we are being rude to him by being "lazy". He even said the other day, he wishes he had his own house so he would know that he keeps it picked up, and we could live in our own place like a bunch of pigs.

    One episode that happened several years ago, I'm not sure how to handle. We had been arguing over keeping the house clean (of course). I know he has anxiety and depression, and when he starts feeling anxious he gets onto us about the cleaning. I told him to take a break, and leave for a minute and we would clean the house. When he came back, he had purchased an item that make noise that gives me extreme anxiety (like to the point of leaving the room and having my heart race). He was causing it to make noise in my face, and I started crying. I actually took the kids and stayed somewhere else for the night after that. He justified himself by saying that my not picking up after myself and having the house messy was the same as my anxiety with that item. He had gotten it to show me what he feels like everyday. We made up, but he still has them on our property, just not "out". I told him that I wanted him to get rid of them, and he said "well I want the house picked up too". I'm not sure what to make of all of this. I'm feeling really upset and confused. I love the way that he is when he's not so anxious and picking on me. Please help!

  2. #2
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    He sounds emotionally abusive!

    Does he clean?

    Have you sought couples therapy?

  3. #3
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    He does clean, cook and help a lot around the house. I just can't stand the way that he thinks he's the only one..In the past I asked him to go to counseling. He refused so I went by myself. After the episode that happened, I asked him to go again and he went by himself a few times. That seemed to help a lot but he stopped going. :( Everything was going a lot better...he was on an anti anxiety medication but he told me he stopped taking it. That may be why he is starting to get this way again.

  4. 01-13-2020, 01:48 AM

  5. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    This isn't anxiety on his part, it's verbal abuse. You need see it for what it is and stop justifying how he behaves and speaks to you.
    The silent treatment is a form of manipulation and punishment as well, it's toxic and destroys a relationship.

    He needs anger management classes and you both need marriage counselling.

    I suggest you tell him that this is a must and it's not an option, otherwise you'll consider divorce.
    I doubt anyone would be okay living like this. It sounds terrible.

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  7. #5
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    He suffers from depression and anxiety, but that is no excuse for such behaviour and surely it must be having an effect on your own mental health. Is he so obsessed with cleanliness that he could have OCD? If so, that's his problem, not yours, but maybe it needs consideration as being the root issue.

  8. #6
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    This isn't anxiety on his part, it's verbal abuse. You need see it for what it is and stop justifying how he behaves and speaks to you.
    The silent treatment is a form of manipulation and punishment as well, it's toxic and destroys a relationship.

    He needs anger management classes and you both need marriage counselling.

    I suggest you tell him that this is a must and it's not an option, otherwise you'll consider divorce.
    I doubt anyone would be okay living like this. It sounds terrible.
    Agree with all of this!

    This is also very destructive for your kids well being. He is a bully!

  9. #7
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    ..he was on an anti anxiety medication but he told me he stopped taking it. That may be why he is starting to get this way again.
    People with mental issues can be trouble - some people see it as a deal breaker. The meds don't always work and there is no guarantee he'll keep taking them.

  10. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You need to pull way back and stop seeking his approve or interaction. You need to make an appointment privately and confidentially with a therapist. (do not tell him or discuss anything with him, it will be used to further degrade you). When there is abuse, never do joint therapy.

    Sadly you are exposing your kids to this and they will suffer as a result. Stop doing this to your children and get them away from him. It your job to protect your children from this not act like his servant. Google and research "abusive relationships", "cycle of violence" and "emotional/verbal abuse". Educate yourself. Get out of the house as much as possible.

    Work, become financial independent make sure you have a strong network of friends family and people you can turn to. See an attorney to discuss your options regarding divorce and custody. Again Do Not Discuss any of this with him. Act as if things are fine, but pull away and do not answer to him like a slave. In the meantime get your ducks in a row and plan your escape with the help of friends, family attorneys therapists and domestic violence support.
    Originally Posted by mamamia77770
    .....f@&$%ing idiot". He will say comments like that, call me a moron, or lazy. he thinks we're idiots

  11. #9
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Anti-anxiety medication should only be taken for a short time along with therapy. Coming off the medication cold turkey, the symptoms are worse than before so this would explain his behavior as of late. The only way to make this work is that he accepts he has a problem and gets help. He needs therapy for the rest of his life...there is no cure and that's the reality of it. He has had this problem before the marriage. You are not the cause, your children are not the cause, nor is your marriage is the cause...the common denominator is him. Since he refuses to deal with it, you have no choice but to give him his wish, and get a divorce / move out.

  12. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You are in an abusive relationship and until you recognize and understand that, nothing much will change in your life. He isn't going to change. Abusers do not change. Sure, he might take some meds, he might even go to therapy for a bit and give you the illusion of change, but as you can see, it's all short lived and then it's back to abuse.

    It's called the cycle of abuse for a reason. Precisely because it's not always bad and there are moments of good and so on. When he shows you even a little bit of basic decency, your response is like that of a man in a desert dying from thirst. Even the most foul, fetid drop of water tastes as sweet as a pure alpine spring. That's the psychological catch of abuse and the addictive part of abuse. You are so starved for basic decency that every little bit he does seems like a huge deal to you, like finally that promise of a better future will become reality....except it hasn't actually happened in 15 years and is NOT going to happen ever. Abusers are entitled deep down. They do not believe that anything they do is wrong and they'll only pretend improve to keep you hooked. Finding a new victim to work, cook, clean, etc. while getting abused is not easy and you are a proven and well trained victim. Very pliable. Again, this isn't about you, but about themselves, their comfort and convenience.

    He wants to go live on his own? Let him. Get a pitbull divorce lawyer and kick him out of your life. He isn't just abusing you - your children are growing up in this nightmare as well and do not kid yourself for even one second - this is taking a deep dark toll on them as well. If you don't leave him for your sake, then you owe it to your kids.

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