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Thread: Please Help!!

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by mamamia77770
    I get so scared thinking about ending things or starting over. I know it sounds dumb....I've just been with him for so long. I don't want to tear apart a family. It's not healthy though and I realize that. :( :(
    It is better for your kids not be exposed to this type of abuse. Do you want a son growing up like the father, or worse, your daughter ending up with an abuser like your husband.

    It will be tough, but once you are away from this type of treatment, you will feel a weight has been lifted by not having someone constantly tearing you down.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 01-13-2020 at 03:21 PM.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I will say this again - abuser do not change because deep down they firmly believe they are completely entitled to act the way that they do. Your husband isn't even hiding this attitude from you, he is telling you to your face that in his mind, his abusive behavior is completely justified. You are also seeing that no matter what you do, he will always find something to go after. It's a game designed for you to lose because the goal posts are constantly moving.

    As for thoughts like fear and starting over....you aren't really starting over anything. You have a job, you have your life, your have your children, your family, your friends. The only change is that the toxic person who has spent 15 years harping that you aren't good enough will be gone. That's not starting over, that's getting rid of a dark cloud that's been raining on your head for years. Once you send him away, you'll find that there is peace, happiness, smiles, relief, joy, pleasure, laughter on the other side. Things you've forgotten exist. Imagine drinking your morning coffee in peace - no nasty comments, no yelling, no "you put the cup in the wrong place." You and your children have been walking on eggshells for way too long. You quite simply deserve better.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    He's not your typical abuser. He is suffering from a mental illness and to just randomly tell someone that they should leave without giving a remedy is negligent IMO.

    Yes... she should leave him if he doesn't change after she stops enabling his verbal, not physical, abuse. He can change or at the very least he has a better chance of changing if he's not withdrawing from his meds and he sees that she is no longer going to put up with the verbal dysfunction.

    If he was physical with her and hadn't just gone of his meds and she learned about codependency and enabling and nothing changed, then yes, get away and don't go back.

    I will say this again: Just telling someone to leave someone who hasn't yet the tools to leave is futile at best. This is not a life or death situation so there is plenty of time for her to get her ducks in a row and seek out the support she is going to need in order to stay gone.

    Just my 2 cents.

    Op: If you're going to leave you need to load up on support systems, your own emotional health and knowledge of your rights and obligations first. I have a feeling he's not going to leave the marital home willingly so you best look into things so you are prepared. The very least you should do (after being together and having a family for so long) is to ask him to see a therapist of his own or you're out of there because you're so unhappy. If he won't get help for his mental illness, then get working on honing your tools so you can leave with confidence.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    He's not your typical abuser. He is suffering from a mental illness and to just randomly tell someone that they should leave without giving a remedy is negligent IMO.

    Yes... she should leave him if he doesn't change after she stops enabling his verbal, not physical, abuse. He can change or at the very least he has a better chance of changing if he's not withdrawing from his meds and he sees that she is no longer going to put up with the verbal dysfunction.

    If he was physical with her and hadn't just gone of his meds and she learned about codependency and enabling and nothing changed, then yes, get away and don't go back.

    I will say this again: Just telling someone to leave someone who hasn't yet the tools to leave is futile at best. This is not a life or death situation so there is plenty of time for her to get her ducks in a row and seek out the support she is going to need in order to stay gone.

    Just my 2 cents.

    Op: If you're going to leave you need to load up on support systems, your own emotional health and knowledge of your rights and obligations first. I have a feeling he's not going to leave the marital home willingly so you best look into things so you are prepared. The very least you should do (after being together and having a family for so long) is to ask him to see a therapist of his own or you're out of there because you're so unhappy. If he won't get help for his mental illness, then get working on honing your tools so you can leave with confidence.
    This sounds like it has been going on for years. I highly doubt he will accept any responsibility. I think she should remove herself and kids from this environment.

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  6. #25
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Iím going to show my azz here but I feel called to briefly share my own experience.

    I have been guilty of abusive behavior toward my oldest child. Verbal/emotional and even borderline physical aggression to a 13 year old. I am in no way proud of this, itís not how I was raised and there is no excuse for it.

    When circumstances of significant import became operable (in my case a visit from the department of childrenís services, perhaps in your husbandís case a brief but firm and clear discussion of your boundaries and the consequences if he doesnít get on board?) I was able to seek help and begin to make changes. Through therapy and a total assumption of responsibility for my actions I completely eliminated any name-calling, yelling/screaming, and physical discipline from my parenting. I learned loving and direct parenting techniques to replace my sick and ignorant ones. I was able to ďtake a chill pillĒ about my sonís grades, which is where my illness chose to manifest. Your husbandís dysfunction seems to have keyed in on tidiness and manners...but it sounds very similar to my underlying issues.

    Though I canít change what happened, I have, over the years, earned my sonís trust back and today we enjoy a very loving relationship. I am not on any medications and my family life is now a source of energy and joy rather than a drain on my peace or a cause for frustration. (Donít get me wrong raising two kids as a single dad still has its hair raising moments though, lol! I just learned how to deal with them in more healthy ways.)

    Of course weíre all just internet strangers to you...and what I say may have little bearing in your situation. Still, I felt obligated to be a voice that communication and behavioral problems CAN be addressed if the person(s) involved wants to change...

    Nothing but love to you and yours, I wish you luck as you navigate this stage of your marriage!

  7. #26
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    Sorry if I missed it, but what was this loud object he threatened you with?

  8. #27
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    Wow, thank you so much Skeptic76 for your insight. It sounds like you know what it's like to be in his shoes. I'm hoping if he gets some help he can change the way he deals with stress and talks to us, but I'm not sure how to get him on board. I have a feeling that if I give him an ultimatum he will just dig his heels in and let us go. :( He is incredibly stubborn. I'm not even sure he feels like what he is doing is bad.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    He might have to lose everything before he decides to make changes.

    I bet he thinks you're too afraid to leave him so he doesn't need to.

  10. #29
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    I didn't post what it was....but it was giant chimes. I have hated them since I was little and they terrify me. I'm not sure what it is that affects me, but being near them really upsets me. He bought three of them and shook them in my face. I was so upset I was nearly having a panic attack. I left the home with the kids, and when we got back he had hung them outside. :( He said it was exactly the same for him....Like in the fact that those stress me out, and the messes in the house stress him out. The counselor I had at the time told me that those are two different stressors but my husband STILL maintains that they are exactly the same. And I am putting undue stress on him when I don't "pick up". He has them put away in a shed so they can't "chime", but the fact that they are still on our property and he hasn't gotten rid of them upsets me. I just told him the other day, I wish you would throw those away...and he said that he wishes I were more organized. :( The really horrible thing about it, is the thought that he went through to do it. He knew about my phobia, and purposefully went out to buy them. Not just one but multiple. He had to go to different places to find them. All to "prove a point" to me.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Oh geez. That takes it to another level of cruelty and abuse.

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