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Thread: Please Help!!

  1. #11
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    He told me that he is frustrated with me because he doesn't think I pick up after myself enough, or discipline the kids to either.
    Well having my husband home 24/7 now that he is retired and does not pick up after himself, I can understand your husband's frustration. When we were first married I threw out all his underwear because he left it on the bedroom floor. (42 years married now)

    If the only thing he harps on you about is you not picking up after yourself then why in the name that is good don't you pick up after yourself?

    Its not like he does nothing and expects you to do it all so maybe you could avoid the anxiety he gets from your mess and subsequent anger over it if you just didn't leave stuff out????? Now... calling you names isn't nice and he should stop that even if you do leave things out... there are nicer ways to express your disappointment/anger.

    Is he on medication for his general anxiety? (you say he quit taking it) If he has then perhaps he ought to go see his doctor and simmer the eff down. Tell him to get back on it because you're not his verbal punching bag. Leave and take the kids with you every time he starts with that shyte. Don't enable it.

    P.S. I think far too many people call any sort of disagreement that isn't discussed like robots or Stepford Wifery/husbandry as "abusive relationship." This is a frustrated person who doesn't know how to communicate due to his anxiety over something that keeps happening after many (I'm sure) less "abusive' discussions.

  2. #12
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    Thank you everyone for your responses. I am going to see a counselor and see what I need to do from here. I can't live like this anymore, or have our kids live like this either. And clearly he's not happy, so it's not a good situation for him either. I have thought that same thing....I just need to work on this and pick up after myself better. But that never solves anything. If I keep everything clean, it's onto something else. I chew too loud, or I'm not any fun and don't think of anything to do on the weekend. I feel like I'm in a no-win situation. After our "talk" last night, I clearly see that he feels that everything we do he sees as a lack of respect to him. If we forget to close our mouth one time while we're chewing, we have no manners and don't respect him. If I leave a coffee cup out for too long (even though I'm still drinking it) I don't care about his feelings about a clean house. He thinks we are incapable of learning...which is evidenced by our inability to load a dishwasher in the correct way. I'm starting to see clearly that no matter what, he is going to feel like I am the enemy. I don't want either one of us to feel like that any more. Or our kids to watch that kind of interaction. :( I am so sad about this. I just want a happy home. He just told me that he stopped his medication cold turkey last weekend. He isn't taking any anti-depression or anti-anxiety medication anymore, which I know he needs. I noticed a huge improvement when he was taking it. Little things didn't bother him as much, and he was not as abusive when he spoke to me/us. I did call him out on calling me an f-ing idiot. I asked him how he would feel if I said that to him....he said he wouldn't care if he deserved it (which is a lie), but it bothers me that he thinks there is a justification to say that to anyone. He had just told me about a guy at work that used to harp on everyone and it really wore him down. I told him that he was acting just like that guy.....he said in his case he hadn't done anything to justify it. :/ There's really no arguing any point with him....it's always going to get turned around. Am I wrong to think that I'm not doing anything to justify being called names?

  3. #13
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    Mama, I don't understand your question. Everyone advised you to leave this guy. This is very damaging to your kids and you. Get out!

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Your children are innocent and need to be protected from this abuser

    My advice remains the same as before: [Register to see the link]

    Originally Posted by mamamia77770
    08-22-2016,

    He grew up in an abusive household. He said again that he hates having kids, and that she ruins everything....he went on a tirade about how he works hard for everything and she just trashes the house. I don't want the kids to grow up thinking that this is a normal family....it's so sad and I love them so much.

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  6. #15
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    Thank you! I think my question was asked more to Thatwasthen...it seemed like maybe they thought I should work more towards picking up after myself and making things better by some of my actions. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't missing anything. As I was typing out my response it clarified that I feel everyone else was correct. It is abuse. Thank you everyone for helping me realize what is happening.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    He's crazy. Only counseling and medication could possibly help him. There is no other way to deal with it.......that's why we call it crazy.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by mamamia77770
    Thank you! I think my question was asked more to Thatwasthen...it seemed like maybe they thought I should work more towards picking up after myself and making things better by some of my actions. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't missing anything. As I was typing out my response it clarified that I feel everyone else was correct. It is abuse. Thank you everyone for helping me realize what is happening.
    Good luck to you. That behavior is never acceptable. He will not change.

  9. #18
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    I get so scared thinking about ending things or starting over. I know it sounds dumb....I've just been with him for so long. I don't want to tear apart a family. It's not healthy though and I realize that. :( :(

  10. #19
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mamamia77770
    Thank you everyone for your responses. I am going to see a counselor and see what I need to do from here.
    Good because counsellin will help you to stop your enabling him to abuse you. It will also help you to understand that when he tells you something, that you should listen to his feelings and if after doing what he asks, he still finds something to complain or speak to you disrespectfully, then you will know he's beyond changing and knowing that will give you the strength to leave him. To just hear people tell you that you should leave him when you have been with him for so long will do nothing to give the confidence to actually change who you can... that's YOU and what you do about YOUR situation.

    I can't live like this anymore, or have our kids live like this either.
    Saying it and doing it are different...

    And clearly he's not happy, so it's not a good situation for him either.
    Does he know you're not going to put up with it any longer? I doubt it. You have been enabling is cantankerous behaviour for a long time which tells him that you're okay with it. You need to tell him that if he does it again, you're out of there and MEAN it. If he knows you mean it, then he may just wizen up and get the help he needs.

    I have thought that same thing....I just need to work on this and pick up after myself better.
    Yes and if he still has issues with you, then you tell him straight up that you're not going to stand to be belittled and verbally chastise by him again. Period.

    But that never solves anything. If I keep everything clean, it's onto something else.
    It telling though that your opening post is basically about you not picking up, him asking you to and you not doing it so he has to nag yet again.

    I chew too loud,
    So tell him if he doesn't like it to wear ear plugs and lets just have a nice dinner without any fuss.
    or I'm not any fun and don't think of anything to do on the weekend.
    That is something that you both can work on as a team. You have to say something like "lets look in the paper together to see what's on in our city/town this weekend" or ask HIM to pick something and you'll make the arrangements. If you don't want to leave someone you've been with for a long time, then the two of you need to work together as a team to make it work. If he won't, then you have more confidence yet again to actual leave him instead of taking the word for people on the internet that only know half the story.

    I feel like I'm in a no-win situation. After our "talk" last night, I clearly see that he feels that everything we do he sees as a lack of respect to him.
    Did you clearly tell him that he should write down what he would like to see changed in you and you will do the same and write down what you would like to see changed in him?

    If we forget to close our mouth one time while we're chewing, we have no manners and don't respect him.
    Open mouthed chewing annoys him so why do it then?
    If I leave a coffee cup out for too long (even though I'm still drinking it) I don't care about his feelings about a clean house.
    Ignore that if you're still drinking a coffee simply say I'm still enjoying it, I'll get to it when I'm done. Simple.

    He thinks we are incapable of learning...which is evidenced by our inability to load a dishwasher in the correct way.
    I'd laugh at that.

    I'm starting to see clearly that no matter what, he is going to feel like I am the enemy. I don't want either one of us to feel like that any more. Or our kids to watch that kind of interaction. :( I am so sad about this.
    Then change you and how you "handle" him or get out now.

    I just want a happy home.
    Go to counselling if he won't go and learn how to stop enabling him to treat you with anything but respect. If he won't... then go.

    He just told me that he stopped his medication cold turkey last weekend.
    That's a problem. Did he tell you why he did that?

    He isn't taking any anti-depression or anti-anxiety medication anymore, which I know he needs. I noticed a huge improvement when he was taking it. He's likely escalated his bad mood and inability to cope with anything because he's going through withdrawl.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I get so scared thinking about ending things or starting over. I know it sounds dumb....I've just been with him for so long. I don't want to tear apart a family. It's not healthy though and I realize that. :( :(
    Just to add. I think you will need more tools in your emotional arsenal in order to have the confidence and strength to leave him if he continues after you stop enabling his BS. When you are more readily equipped and have the strength/confidence to act if he doesn't change too then you will actually feel like 'starting over.'

    To leave him when you are in the mind frame you are in now will just have you returning to him in no time at all. To tell you to just leave him when you are scared won't convince you that you should. Oh, it may but odds are that you just leaving without getting your own counselling or outside support are slim. At least go see a lawyer and find out what your rights and obligations are so you have SOME education on the subject of marital severing. The more in your 'strength arsenal' the better.

    Good luck.
    Last edited by ThatwasThen; 01-13-2020 at 03:09 PM.

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