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Thread: Unsure and in need of advice

  1. #11
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    If you're in the US and are in a no fault state you can divorce him if he likes it or not.

    However, I feel that marriages are serious commitments (not a timeline item like a grocery list) and if you can, a marriage should be saved. I also believe that no one should have to have a life sentence in a marriage that is bad.

    Please don't make the same mistake thinking having a baby will make things "different". It would, but not in a good way.

    Are you seeing a therapist individually? If not, I think it would be a good idea.

  2. #12

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    Yes, I see a therapist on my own. She suggested I speak with a lawyer to see what my rights would be to help me decide. In the Spring of 2019 I brought up trying for a baby and he said he wasnt ready to give up his freedom. I am glad we didnt try because bringing a child into this mess is the last thing on my mind at this point.

  3. #13
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    Marriage may be a serious commitment but if your husband wonít work on improving it with you, itís already dead. Has he given you any indication he is all in?

    Actually, not any indication, letís not spackle and overfunction for someone who has already checked out, thatís really unhealthy. Has he consistently demonstrated he wants to work on it with you?

    Personally I think the deal was broken by the song. Thatís incredibly selfish of him to keep performing it when he knows it hurts you. Incredibly! That is not a loving action. My band has a song about how much no one supports the drummers wedding to his (now ex) girlfriend which was played for a long time in good humour while they were still together. But officially it wasnít about his marriage and if heíd asked us to stop playing it we would have stopped.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by la212
    Yes, I see a therapist on my own. She suggested I speak with a lawyer to see what my rights would be to help me decide. In the Spring of 2019 I brought up trying for a baby and he said he wasnt ready to give up his freedom. I am glad we didnt try because bringing a child into this mess is the last thing on my mind at this point.
    I agree with your therapist. Contact an attorney. Never quit your elementary school teaching job and don't have a baby with him! Your financial independence is your strongest power. Never let that go. Your husband sounds like a loser. You need to dump him.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Oh wow - he wrote a song dissing your dad. Ouch.

    What does he consider "THAT bad"?
    Cheating, physical abuse, etc.
    - I guess you falling out of love and divorce is no big deal to him? He may be in for a big surprise if you finally get sick of it all and you file for divorce.


    You do all the work and he is a man-child. You have what we call a high maintenance person. Plus, he takes you for granted and disrespects you. These types are not a catch. Only marry a respectful, responsible, hard worker.

    I don't know if he could be fixed. I'd suggest counseling but you've done that with no results. I'd get a second opinion - another counselor.

    Another option is to pull out the big guns - leave him for awhile or cut off sex. Perhaps then he'll realize that you are important and have needs.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Is he a heavy drinker or drug user? Does he have a day job? He is dragging you down mentally physically and emotionally. It's not too late to cut your losses and find a decent man rather than this broody nasty peter pan.

    Marriage therapy sounds like you are going to a good therapist, but something this broken is best dissolved.You will never change or fix him. It will get worse. Do Not Have Kids With This Man-child Talk to a therapist on your own. Talk to trusted friends and family. Be honest and ask for help.
    Originally Posted by la212
    I think I somehow thought things would be different if we got married. I also had this stupid timeline in my head that I had to be married before I turned 30.

  8. #17
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    Why did you break up twice before you married him?

    It appears that those pre-existing problems followed you both into the marriage, and it's plainly not working. You're not happy, he's not happy.

    I would follow your own therapist's advice and talk to a lawyer. This doesn't sound like a marriage worth saving, in my opinion.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I do understand what your therapist is doing...he or she is trying to get you both communicating with each other. Since this doesn't work for you atm is very telling of your situation. You both need to "unload" before you can talk to each other. So yes seeing a therapist individually first to dump on to make you feel better and clear your head would be a good start.

    Smackie9's tip: not all therapists are the same. If you were expecting a Dr. Phil then go find one. You do not have to commit to one that is referred to you.

  10. #19
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    So you've discussed divorce with him and he accuses you of not trying hard enough. Does he think he's trying really hard? What does he want from you in terms of trying harder? You explained here, pretty clearly, what you expect from a partner, and why you're not satisfied. So I'm assuming you've said all of this to him, or at least in marriage counseling together.

    No matter how hard either of you tries, or thinks you're trying, this marriage may still not ever work out in a way that both of you can be happy. If it comes down to a life where, in order to meet each other's expectations of a spouse, you both have to compromise so much that neither of you is happy, then I think you should divorce, not as a punishment to him for doing something "that" bad, but because you're not compatible together.

    My take is that he seems to criticize and complain about anything you do that isn't specifically FOR him. Working on your masters? That doesn't do anything for him, so he complains. Hanging out with your sister? He's heard about that before and it's not interesting to him so cut it out. You get sick? Just quit your job, because that's an easy solution as far as he's concerned, then he won't have to hear about it. He only cares about what you do so far as it affects him. Selfish.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by la212
    Cheating, physical abuse, etc.
    Well, it's not his interpretation that matters here.

    It's your experience. It's an experience that is miserable for you and you don't need to defend that to anyone.

    You get to decide if this is working for you or not and from where I sit it clearly doesn't seem like it.

    He doesn't have to agree to it. For that matter, if you two agreed on things you probably wouldn't be here posting.

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