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Thread: How to forgive myself

  1. #1
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    How to forgive myself

    I left my husband almost 2 years ago. We were quite different but the trigger was me having a transplant in hospital over Christmas and he didnít come visit. Not because he didnít care but because he was working on the practicalities of moving house and looking after our son etc. However, at the time I needed him there and it summarised just how different we were- me being emotional and him being practical. So I left.

    I met my current partner 18 months ago and we are expecting our first baby at the end of May.

    But I canít stop thinking about my husband. Iím overwhelmed with guilt. He is such a good man and an amazing father to our son. I know so many people would kill for a partner like him. I hate myself for hurting him and I canít forgive myself for not working on the relationship.

    I love my current partner and we are a lot more compatible but every single day I hate myself for ruining my marriage.

    I donít know how to move on and try forgive myself for my mistakes. Any advice would be appreciated!

  2. #2
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    I don't think there's anything to forgive. He might be practical, but if your partner is in hospital having a major operation, you find a way to visit. You know that. I'm sure this was just an example of many other slightly heartless behaviours he exhibited.

    You seem to be idolising this chap in retrospect. That's not good because you have a new life now and you need to focus on that.

    Another way of looking at it is that you did the best thing for him. He has a lot of good qualities and he will make someone else a great partner. Maybe he needed to learn something from the break up? But stop punishing yourself for doing the right thing.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think you did the right thing too. I'd have been beyond p1ssed if my husband didnt come see me in the hospital after surgery. Who does that?

    If you cant get over this on your own, please get some therapy. There's no good reason to be feeling like this now that you have a new man in your life and a baby on the way.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist to sort through some of the guilt, ruminating, depressed feelings, etc. that is holding you back. It's unfair to yourself, your unborn and partner to be stuck in the past and not have that evaluated and worked out.
    Originally Posted by cjmcm
    I met my current partner 18 months ago and we are expecting our first baby at the end of May. But I canít stop thinking about my husband.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Hun I think you're being hormonal from your pregnancy and it's messing with your emotions. Try exercising more, eat a little healthier, and get more sleep. A lot of these bad feelings will diminish for the most part. Not to mention you should be talking it through with your new partner. This is the man you are starting a new family with, and he needs to be there for you. Talk to him about it. BUT if things get worse for you, and you fall into a depression after the baby is born, please get help immediately.

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    His behaviour was inexcusable, he could have found a way to see you. I think you made the right decision. He may be a good dad, but he was not a good partner.

    You need to move on from this!
    Last edited by Hollyj; 01-12-2020 at 12:40 PM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You forgive yourself by not ruminating over what you cannot control. You start thinking positively with any changes you can make from this day forward and have gratitude.

    I too have a lot of regrets and remorse in my life. No one can do anything about it especially when there's guilt, if there's something you didn't respect about a person, how they mistreated you or if you were unfair to the other person without handling situations peacefully.

    People often times use their emotions during their impulsive reactions as opposed to exercising self-discipline and self-control. Then instead of allowing the moment to pass and handling situations peacefully and logically, they call it quits just like that. All you can do from now on is learn to think before you speak, write and act so your previous marriage was not all in vain. Your key takeaway here was a harsh lesson learned which you'll never forget. You'll know what to do and what not to do in your current relationship with your partner.

    You forgive yourself by not being so hard on yourself. You're only human and everyone makes mistakes. Live and learn.

    Past mistakes make people wiser and you'll learn to never make the same mistake twice. This is how you heal and move on. Start fresh and be grateful for everything.

    You forgive yourself when you stop living in the past.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Did you know the man you are now with while you were in the hospital?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by cjmcm
    the trigger was me having a transplant in hospital over Christmas and he didnít come visit. Not because he didnít care but because he was working on the practicalities of moving house and looking after our son etc.
    That is quite odd behavior. Very odd.

    Did you and he have any conversations about visiting before your admission? How long were you in hospital? Why wouldn't he bring your son to see his mommy on Xmas day, at least, where were they?

    Is he an Asperger's sufferer? Has he misunderstood something?

    I just don't follow this.

    Anyway, it seems you were incompatible, so don't beat yourself up. There is some fading affect bias afflicting your thinking.

  11. #10
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    I would have been upset too. I think the advice up above that said you might be idolizing him is right on. Sometimes you romanticize the past and it looks a lot different when looking at it in the rear view mirror. Even when it was horrible, you think "it wasn't that bad". There must have been more of a reason for you to end things. I'm sorry you are feeling so guilty! Talking to someone would definitely help.

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