Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 21

Thread: What to do in this situation

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jan 2020
    Posts
    4

    What to do in this situation

    Hi

    I've separated from my wife of ten years which I am happy about and am currently going through the separation/ divorce process. Things happened between us that were quite destructive to our relationship, mainly the result of our builder going bankrupt while going through our build. As a result she became emotionally and physically abusive and I not longer trust her. To me while I miss my ex wife, that relationship is dead to me and wonít be recovered.

    As I was going through the above I felt quite depressed about my situation. During this time I met a work colleague who I started spending more and more time with. Eventually I opened up and discussed some of the issues I was having and I became attracted to her, she made me feel valued and respected and happy. She and I spent a fair amount of time together - and she is engaged. Every day we would go for 1-2 coffees, and have the occasional lunch date. We traded texts all the time. We spoke on the drive home. We discussed topics like how many children we wanted, their names etc. a lot of the goals we had I felt were aligned and I felt a connection. We share a lot of interests and are both highly competitive.

    This progressed and we started kissing each other. Things progressed and we were intimate twice. She has told me that she thinks I'm great and that there might be something there, but the timing isnít right as she has a fiancť. If the situation were different it may have worked. I will point out this happened AFTER I separated and I have always been respectful on the boundaries of any relationship good or not.

    After this my ex wife at the time came to my work place and confronted us, causing an incident at work. After this my colleague asked if we could just be friends. She said she is confused, but she thinks I'm great but she is getting married. I responded by saying that I really like spending time with her, I like her, and it would not be my preference to stop. I asked her to think about her situation, and what she wants from it as she must have started this for a reason.

    Over the New Years we were both on holidays and she with her fiancť and the texts continued. I told her On a couple of occasions I thought we would be good, maybe even great together, and I want more. I asked her to leave her fiancť. She said no.

    We exchange on most days between 50-100 texts, occasional pictures and while I have asked her, she says there is nothing romantic on her side there, however from my position there are still feelings. She has 8 months to go until she is married. We still catch up for coffee, and we say goodnight to each other. Itís odd and feels like a relationship and I am giving her the company and emotion she doesnít have at home. I have respected her decision whilst Iíve found it hard, there has been no physical contact or kisses. She also as a point deleted my messages daily just in case despite there being nothing suggestive or flirty in there.

    I reflect on my own situation and note that I want time to heal by myself and am not ready to jump into anything until my situation with my ex wife is resolved and I heal.

    Iíve been on a few dates and realise that (and without trying to big note myself) Iím relatively attractive on the dating scene (tall, kind, high income earner, fit and attentive by most standards) and have a high success rate. however nothing has caught my eye.

    What I keep coming back to is this work colleague and I have exceptional chemistry and connection, and she is everything I want in a woman. Everything else Iíve made the women chase me as I havenít found the same level of connection and itís easy to do.

    What do you think the situation is on her side, is she confused and waiting to see what happens with my situation and how it resolves, or is it dead in the water? What would you do in my situation - move on, break the friendship?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    22,459
    This is so inappropriate and selfish. I really feel for her fiancť. How would you like someone to do this to you, or one of your closest friends?. Terrible!

    Why don't you focus on your divorce, then look for someone who is SINGLE. Your moral compass is really off!

  3. #3
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Florida Panhandle
    Posts
    909
    Gender
    Female
    Well clearly you haven't always been respectful of other people's relationships or you wouldn't have become intimate with her knowing that she had a fiance.

    You both kind of sound flaky. 50-100 texts a day?? When do you find time to work or do laundry?

    Do you think she wouldn't be out kissing other guys, even if she left her current boyfriend and decided to be YOUR fiance?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    22,459
    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Well clearly you haven't always been respectful of other people's relationships or you wouldn't have become intimate with her knowing that she had a fiance.

    You both kind of sound flaky. 50-100 texts a day?? When do you find time to work or do laundry?

    Do you think she wouldn't be out kissing other guys, even if she left her current boyfriend and decided to be YOUR fiance?
    Or, sleeping with them.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    13,398
    I presume her alleged fiancť has no idea she's a cheater.

    When he does find out the poop will really hit the fan.

    Where will that leave you? Definitely not in any place that's good. Either she disappears from your life or you get the "prize" (NOT!) of having a lying cheater as a girlfriend.

    I'm sure there are many, many unattached and totally single and attractive women in your area. I get that the sex is probably off the charts but you can get that with a woman who hasn't promised to marry someone else.

    What to do? Continue on and wait for the inevitable train wreck or end this once and for all (and totally, no texts) and strive to meet a single, attractive woman who isn't a lying cheater. And work on raising your own moral standards.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    2,009
    Shame on both of you!

    You need to do the right thing by ceasing all contact with her permanently out of respect for her fiance, yourself and her engagement. Since you can't control your colleague, it's up to you to take serious action to sever all ties completely.

    Explain to her that it's over and that at work, both of you are to remain professional and polite and that's it. If she refuses to comply, then ghost, delete and block permanently.

    Since you're colleagues, remain polite, well mannered, calm yet professional always and forever. Keep it at that only.

    Be intelligent. Don't do anything stupid.

    Since she's deceiving and betraying her fiance, she will do it to you, too. There's zero trust which is pathetic.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Location
    The emerald city
    Posts
    1,137
    Gender
    Male
    Things progressed and we were intimate twice.
    She is not confused, she is a cheater, who was outed by your ex wife, and needed to back off in case the fiance got wind of it.

    If she decides to dump her fiance for you, she'll be cheating on you next.

    You need to close down this "friendship" and tell her it's inappropriate.

  9. #8
    Silver Member LootieTootie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
    Location
    California
    Age
    35
    Posts
    314
    Gender
    Female
    So you break up with an emotional and physical abuser just to get with a cheating and lying colleague? Not really an upgrade or progress.

    Have you thought maybe if she breaks up with her fiancť, she will do the same to you?

  10. #9

    Join Date
    Jan 2020
    Posts
    4
    im Sure there will be lots of others out there.

    Her fiancť has absolutely no idea about anything that has happened of that Iím sure. I donít know him and have never met him but I would imagine he would be devastated by it. Most people would.

    Interesting you raise moral standards - clearly everyone thinks Iím a dirt bag from the responses above - I get hers were questionable in that she was cheating on her fiancť, and I ignored that fact. But you also own your own actions and my conscious is clear in that respect as I was single. I guess I saw a future in it with her with kids which is something Iíve wanted for a long time and we could have looked past that if we started afresh and I do like the person underneath.

  11. #10

    Join Date
    Jan 2020
    Posts
    4
    The thought had run through my head but as I said I did see a future. I think Iím different.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •