I can't let go (2 years)

HI! I know Im not the only one with this problem and that so many people eventually moved on, but I tried everything and I'm still not over my ex. We've been together for 4 years (2LDR, and 2 living together), I moved across the ocean to be with him (I don't regret it) and we broke 2 years ago. It was a turbulent relationship after the honeymoon phase, and I know he and the relationship were bad for me.

In the last two years, I've learned so much about myself, grew as a person, found new hobbies, new friends, made a life for me in the new country. I'm working out regularly. I dated other men.

My pain is not as it used to be. I dont cry for him anymore. I dont hope for reconsiliation. We are in NC for couple of months now, and I dont even remember the last time I saw him.

He jumped right into another relationship after our breakup, and he is still with her. It's not a rebound as she met his family, went to our country with him, etc. I am glad if he found happiness, but it hurts non the less.

I tried all the basics to get over someone and heal after the breakup, and while Im much stronger and better person now, I still feel him/us everytime he crosses my mind. I tried dating, but never made any real connection with anyone, so decided I need to get over my ex first before I can let someone else in. Just the way I am.

I would really appreciate anyone input and help on this journey of mine. Next step is a psychologist, but I wanted to see if I can find any help here before I move to therapy. i just dont think its that serious that I need to pay for therapy, just yet. Or maybe it is... I dont know.

Thank you!

The fact you are writing in here tells me that it IS serious enough for you to try therapy since it's been over 2 yrs that you've been broken up. If you were making good progress, you'd likely have gotten over him and moved on fully, but you havent.

Sorry about this.

I'm glad to hear you're giving therapy a go, as it can really be essential in untangling this kind of thing. Because, at this point, your feelings are really being generated exclusively by your own mind, not your connection with him. Holding on is a choice you're making—subconsciously—and once you understand some of the deeper roots behind that choice it's likely to become less mysterious, less powerful, at which point letting go gets a lot easier.

Think of it like being a little sick: a weird cough that won't go away, or some subtle joint pain. You try rest, Advil, cough syrup, the "basics." No dice. Frustrating. Then you go to a doctor, they run some tests, and discover that, alas, it's x or y—something a bit less expected, but totally human and treatable. Boom. This really is no different, but it's the brain more than the body.

The relationship you've described sounds like it didn't actually offer very much: some nice early moments, followed by a lot of turbulence occasionally broken up by nice moments. Ironically, these can be some of the hardest to move past, since even when you're in them it's your imagination—of what it all could be, if you just stay patient—that powers the engine of it all far more than the nature of the connection. The idea of it is more potent than the person, in short, and it's that idea you're still clinging to. You got conditioned to find jagged comfort in your thoughts, because the person and relationship doesn't provide much genuine comfort—and you're continuing to do so.

Therapy can really help you condition yourself a bit differently, breaking these thought patterns and making room for new ones. Those new ones will make room for new feelings, and new connections—ideally a connection that doesn't require your imagination to feel potent, because what the person offers you, and what you have with that person, is "bigger" than your thoughts, hopes, and feelings about it all.

Hope that helps, and best of luck.

Since you remained in contact with him up until two months ago it's not surprising you're still in pain.

It's never a good idea to remain in contact with your ex, particularly when you know for a fact he's in a serious relationship.

Be kinder to yourself. Don't torture yourself this way. Block him from contacting you so you can really begin to move forward.

The fact you are writing in here tells me that it IS serious enough for you to try therapy since it's been over 2 yrs that you've been broken up. If you were making good progress, you'd likely have gotten over him and moved on fully, but you havent.

I agree. I also think you would be much further if you had it contact after te break up.

Correction: If you had no contact after the break.

I can't let go

For accuracy, I've found it helpful to replace the word "can't" with "won't". This clarifies the difference between something that's happening 'to' me versus a decision that I get to make. It says that I'm not some victim at the mercy of circumstances being imposed on me, but rather, I'm in full control of my choices--even when it means that there's something I need to learn about HOW.

It's like the difference between saying that "I CAN'T" skydive, instead of "I WON'T" take skydiving lessons to learn HOW.

You're positioned to decide whether or not you will or won't heal from this breakup by going to a therapist to learn HOW.

I tend to think of breakups as an event that I can decide will make me stronger and more capable of handling life's setbacks, or whether I will use it to drill myself into a deeper hole to climb out of. I make it a goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from my loss to build a better future for myself than I'm capable of imagining at that moment.

Choices are either barriers or opportunities. Choosing wisely means that we are in charge of our own healing, it won't just happen 'to' us. Once you make that choice, you're on the right path toward doing the work to make healing a reality rather than imagining that it's beyond your ability. Use therapy to learn how, based on the belief that your quality of life is important enough for the investment.

Head high.

We are in NC for couple of months now,

 

 

I tried all the basics to get over someone and heal after the breakup,

 

 

"Rome wasn't built in a day."

So you only went no contact after nearly 2 years? If so, you didn't do all of the basics until two months ago.

If you stayed in contact, you delayed your grieving process, and it is still fresh, which is why you are still suffering after two years.

He is gone, and he moved on a while back by the sound of it. You are the ex who is just a friend now, from his POV, but it's not the same for you.

You need to learn to live your life without him in it, and that requires strict no contact and time.

You are only a couple of months into the process, so don't worry, stick to the No Contact regime and you'll be OK.

Next step is a psychologist

Good idea, they can teach you some techniques to deal with intrusive thoughts and the grief process generally.

I'm sorry for your inability let go, Doosha.

Even though my story is not the same as yours, I've mourned the loss of certain past relationships due to some people's virtues and good times we've shared together. Then in my mind, I had a sudden wake up call and remembered dark sides to their character, what they were capable of when they dared to cross that line with me, betrayal, deceit, lies, gaslighting and all the negatives that would leave a bad taste in your mouth.

I use reverse psychology as a source of comfort and consolation because often times, remembering those negative characteristic traits will remind you as to why the relationship went awry in the first place and why it wasn't meant to be after all. When you remember what transpired due to incompatibility beyond your or anyone's control, then you'll suddenly feel strong and confident knowing you've since grew wiser. Also, once trust is dead, your emotions die along with it.

As you grow wiser, you'll grow more self confident which causes you to think of him less and less over time until he becomes nothing but a blur. At this point you won't allow your emotions to cloud your judgment and you'll build self-discipline within your thoughts. You'll separate emotion from logic.

A psychologist is a great idea for you.

Also, surround yourself with great friends who are moral, upstanding, supportive and honorable. They'll be healthy influences for you.

Most of all, change the way you think and many times, it's better to look at the cold, hard facts so those sentimental feelings will disappear. It worked for me and I hope it works for you, too.

As for your ex already jumping into another relationship, don't fret. Certain people were meant for each other and know the other woman will look upon your ex with disdain after their honeymoon phase becomes turbulent. Just give it time. Better her than you.

I hope you recover. One day at a time. One step at a time. Create small goals each day - they can be as simple as sweeping the floor a second time or something really easy. And do it. Then another one and another one after that. You would see that you CAN do things if you put your mind to it. Slowly but surely my friend. In your own way, in your own time.

Thank you everyone with all my heart for taking the time to read and reply.

Thankfully im done with the denial phase and I truly understand everything you wrote and accept it. (Few months ago I would still have denied some of the things). I do realize it's myself blocking me and healing 100%.

I just wish I would forgive everything already and move on. Some things still sting, and I dont know if it will ever change when I hear his name. I hope it will stop one day and all the hurt he causef me will just be an emotionless memory. That's kind of my goal.

We were in very light contact until recently, but Im glad we are fully NC now. It does help. And you are all right about having to do that waaaay before. But I was weak and I just couldn't.

And the aim now is to learn HOW to cope with these things. I never seeked out a psychologist, so I dont even know where to start. But I'll google it. :)

In the meantime, if anyone has a book to recommend that helps will the "HOW" or has a real life experience, I will highly appreciate. I think it would also help others here as well.

Im trying to focus on the negative traits, but those hurt as well, so Im really trying to forgive so I can move on.

How about you don't focus on him at all? Positive OR negative?

Focusing on the negative keeps you thinking about him, which will keep you attached to him emotionally.

Try to redirect your thoughts. The next time you think about him force yourself to think about something else, like a movie you love (NOT one you watched together!!) or someone in your life who makes you happy (NOT him!). Or recite song lyrics in your head. Anything to train your mind to stop obsessing over thoughts of him.

I suggest looking into CBT. You might find it helpful.

We were in very light contact until recently, but Im glad we are fully NC now. It does help. And you are all right about having to do that waaaay before. But I was weak and I just couldn't.

Firstly, you are not weak. You’re actually just...human*

Grief is a beeyatch and we all deal with it the best we can in our own way*

It’s been a little over 2 years for me too and I still miss my x as well. But I figure so long as I’m pushing on and doing good in the world then it’s ok and that can do it’s own thing*

In the meantime, if anyone has a book to recommend that helps will the "HOW" or has a real life experience, I will highly appreciate. I think it would also help others here as well.

‘The Journey From Abandonment to Healing’ by Susan Anderson is a brilliant book and was a life saver for me! I got the book but mostly listened to the audio book on the Audible app.

I also usually recommend this YT channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/CameroneProductions

Im trying to focus on the negative traits, but those hurt as well, so Im really trying to forgive so I can move on.

I agree with BoltnRun* on this but it will take time. We cannot just switch those thoughts off instantly... unfortunately.

But that’s the process of healing*

Sending you strength*

Carus*

@boltnrun you are right! Im doing great most of the days not thinking about him in anyway, but what I meant is that when I get sad about it I try to remember the bad things. But you are right, I'll definitely try to just focus on something completely different!! Thanks for the advice!

@Carus thanks!! Ill find the book and I'll definitely watch youtube videos you shared!

I kind of feel like I'm almost there (based on my past experience with long relationships); this one is just taking so long to fully move on. I'm a bit worried that I have such a hard time moving on in general (friends or boyfriends), where the therapist might help. It's probably something much deeper, although I never had any abandonment as a child. I actually had a pretty nice childhood and great family. So I don't know where this is coming from. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic.