Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 21

Thread: Is NC really the golden rule? It seems to block any reconciliation chances

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2020
    Posts
    18

    Is NC really the golden rule? It seems to block any reconciliation chances

    A friend of mine was the dumpee after around 2.5 years and 1 of living together. They were both around 26-27. The reason was mainly due to his GFs being stressed over a new job, the fact his brother and father lived with them and her wanting to sort her life out.

    They were in LC as they still had some bills and things to sort. After 5 months of LC, Id say one or two messages per month, they got together and are still together, many years after this occasion. They now have a newborn and just bought a house.

    My question is, had them gone NC, this probably wouldnt happen.

    The chances of reconciliation are thin, but my point is that NC may reduce the chances even further.
    I get NC is a tool to heal and not a mind game, but is avoiding the other party really the only solution? Wont this avoidance create a ticking bomb that may explode on you down the line when you finally see something on his/hers instagram or bump into each other?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    51,093
    Well, no. It's not about "avoiding" it's about healthful boundaries that help you move on. Avoiding describes it in terms of the other person and NC is for you as a person. I got back together with my ex fiancee. We're married over 10 years now. We had mostly NC but about once a year or so we emailed about mostly impersonal stuff. I had no cell phone, neither did he for years, no social media then. Yes I ran into friends of his, yes he actually was set up with my friend by a mutual friend (there was some cluelessness there). Not a ticking time bomb. We saw each other once in person about 6 years later for a quick dinner then over a year later again which is when sparks flew much to our surprise.

    I can tell you that had we had more contact than we did we likely would not be married now. We likely would have felt hurt/weird/sensitive about the people the other one was dating/in relationships with, we wouldn't have had a clean slate which we needed to try again. He didn't want to get back together a month later (I did) because he said it would be awesome for a few weeks then back to our old problems. In hindsight he was right!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    36,584
    Gender
    Male
    Replied in your other thread on this topic: [Register to see the link]

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Location
    The emerald city
    Posts
    1,137
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by jdmmd
    A friend of mine was the dumpee after around 2.5 years and 1 of living together. They were both around 26-27. The reason was mainly due to his GFs being stressed over a new job, the fact his brother and father lived with them and her wanting to sort her life out.

    My question is, had them gone NC, this probably wouldnt happen.

    If she is the dumper:

    No.

    She dumped him, changed her mind, and decided to try again.

    The LC was about logistics by the sound of it. It did not play a positive role in her changing her mind.

    Had there been complete no contact, she might have had the chance to miss him properly, suffer some separation anxiety, and there is every chance she would have changed her mind quicker.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2020
    Posts
    18
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Well, no. It's not about "avoiding" it's about healthful boundaries that help you move on. Avoiding describes it in terms of the other person and NC is for you as a person. I got back together with my ex fiancee. We're married over 10 years now. We had mostly NC but about once a year or so we emailed about mostly impersonal stuff. I had no cell phone, neither did he for years, no social media then. Yes I ran into friends of his, yes he actually was set up with my friend by a mutual friend (there was some cluelessness there). Not a ticking time bomb. We saw each other once in person about 6 years later for a quick dinner then over a year later again which is when sparks flew much to our surprise.

    I can tell you that had we had more contact than we did we likely would not be married now. We likely would have felt hurt/weird/sensitive about the people the other one was dating/in relationships with, we wouldn't have had a clean slate which we needed to try again. He didn't want to get back together a month later (I did) because he said it would be awesome for a few weeks then back to our old problems. In hindsight he was right!
    Makes sense, thanks for posting. Its a bit more clear to me why NC is good for both parties. We need to move on and improve, fix some of the mistakes we made as to avoid repeating them in a new relationship. And with constant contact that wouldnt be possible, or would make it more difficult, as we would still be somewhat connected with the past.

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Replied in your other thread on this topic: [Register to see the link]
    Thanks, I replied there.

    Originally Posted by RayRay63
    If she is the dumper:

    No.

    She dumped him, changed her mind, and decided to try again.

    The LC was about logistics by the sound of it. It did not play a positive role in her changing her mind.

    Had there been complete no contact, she might have had the chance to miss him properly, suffer some separation anxiety, and there is every chance she would have changed her mind quicker.
    I guess the bottomline is the cliche “if its meant to be, it will happen”... NC, LC or whatever, doesnt really matter. Its just that with less contact, you probably heal faster.
    Thanks again

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Land of Wind & Ghosts
    Posts
    1,589
    It happens, but like the lottery, it's very, very rare. Have you won the lotto yet?

    Also, how good is their relationship, really?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,798
    Gender
    Male
    At the end of the day there are no rules, though I'd say as long as anyone is thinking about the rules they're doing themselves a disservice by letting their egos drive their ship. NC, LC, and so on: none of that really matters, most of it is a product of the internet.

    What matters is learning to live in reality and in the present tense, not avoiding it through rumination and fantasy about the past and future, and for many people "NC" is the natural means of reentering reality. It's what people did before cell phones, social media, and internet forums, and it's a pretty healthy way to get back on your feet and re-inhabit your skin.

    Once back on your feet? Well, who knows what'll happen? People get back together—after a week, after a decade—and often it works out beautifully. Often it doesn't. Often (most often) no one gets back together. You kind of have to get to a point where all those outcomes are okay since none of them are dominating the mind.

    In my social circle there are a surprisingly large number of married couples who broke up and got back together: four that I can think of, all very happy. In all those cases both parties had let go of the first relationship, lived their lives, ended up back together. The other day one of my friends posted a hilarious photo on social media of when they were first together, a 2 year relationship that ended; 5 years later they got back together. The caption read: "Both clueless we'd be married (to each other) and parents to a fierce little firecracker a decade later. Happy meet-a-versary."

    I think there's a lot there about celebrating the importance of letting go and moving on to find the right connection. Maybe it's with someone you once knew, maybe not. All good.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    51,093
    Rules and guidelines in dating and relationships helped me a great deal to balance the head and heart. I was selective in what I chose to follow of course but no I didn't throw all rules out the window. I still don't.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,798
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Rules and guidelines in dating and relationships helped me a great deal to balance the head and heart. I was selective in what I chose to follow of course but no I didn't throw all rules out the window. I still don't.
    Agree.

    I meant rules in the context of LC/NC = reconciliation, or basically that trying to follow a rulebook for reconciliation (as opposed to one for dating and being in a relationship) is unlikely to get you anywhere but further stuck in a kind of vertigo that renders you iffy material for dating and relationships, be it with a past love or a future one.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    51,093
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Agree.

    I meant rules in the context of LC/NC = reconciliation, or basically that trying to follow a rulebook for reconciliation (as opposed to one for dating and being in a relationship) is unlikely to get you anywhere but further stuck in a kind of vertigo that renders you iffy material for dating and relationships, be it with a past love or a future one.
    Yes I agree. It requires thinking about the upsides and downsides of being in contact for yourself as a person. Which in turn requires caring about oneself -not just paying lip service to it -but actually showing that you care about yourself.

    Here's an example - I had a best friend in childhood. We reconnected 30 years later -a dozen years ago - through Facebook. We spoke on the phone regularly, saw each other regularly for a number of summers when I was in our home town. Then she became toxic to me - and after a last straw I cut her off for quite awhile. Then I returned to interacting but only texting with strict boundaries "limited contact". She wasn't toxic but she simply wasn't being a decent friend to me so I kept the boundaries (ok maybe it was a vicious cycle given my boundaries in part) and decided not to chase after her for contact. Last summer after months of not being in touch at all she texted me that she was sorry but she hadn't had time to text lately. Lame. But i interacted and she went MIA yet again. So months later when she texted me Happy New Year -I simply responded "you too" and didn't try to start a conversation.

    My longwinded back story is to emphasize -in the past I would have started a conversation. Because I didn't care enough about myself -I would have tried to reconnect with her based on her text. This time I realized -no -she doesn't get the benefit of speaking to me if she's going to throw me a bone of "happy new year" - it's a poor use of my time. So -no rules - but I firmly believe in being on top of -for yourself -what your standards and values are so that you react accordingly to someone who was close to you reaching out.

    (And yes I think friendships are relevant not just romantic relationships).

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •