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Was I too quick to end it over his doubts?


flossiebee12

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I fell for a friend at the end of last year after spending some time with him just as friends, and he felt the same way. He treated me amazingly well without being too much. I know he was sincere. He asked me to be his girlfriend after about 4 weeks, and I said yes. I told him that I wanted to take it slow seeing as I had things to sort out in my life at the time, but I felt emotionally ready for a relationship.

 

I knew he was going to leave because he works seasonally. He left the country to go home at the end of November and is coming back in March. I wasn't too keen on the idea of a long distance relationship because I was worried about it being too much, and I wanted him to enjoy his time in his home country to the fullest. But after talking to him about my thoughts, he insisted that it was what he wanted and we continued. I was meant to visit him next month. He told his family and friends about me.

 

Fast forward to a couple months later, he's not doing too well. I knew from our discussions when we were dating that he'd been really hurt before by his previous gf. He's grown up with emotionally stifled parents, has issues to do with these things. He got to his home country and everything over there has been pretty stressful. He's been pretty distant at times but I just kind of rode those waves and was there when he needed. He's been self medicating with drink and he's been smoking a lot.

 

The other day we talked, and he mentioned that it had been too long since we last talked. I told him that I agreed, but the past couple times we were meant to talk he'd left me hanging. I said I understood that he had a lot going on but I'd appreciate him making the time for us when he could. The conversation ended weirdly and I called him later and he was panicking. I reassured him about my feelings for him, but he was cold. And then he let rip and told me about how he had been talking to a friend of a friend and she told him that someone she knew was in the same situation, and that this person's girlfriend came over to see him and they ended up hating each other. He told me that he was really worried we'd feel the same thing, that I would more than he would...that we don't really know each other enough, about how he feels really down all the time, how he's confused about what he wants, doesn't know if he's ready for a relationship right now as he'd only just started being okay with being on his own, but that he misses me and was scared of regretting it if he chose to walk away.

 

I asked him if he wanted space, he told me no, but then said 'maybe we can leave it here for tonight and I'll call you tomorrow and we can talk about it more.' But after everything he told me, I felt his doubts were too strong and that he really isn't in the right place to do this with me. So I told him it was best if we just walked away for now as we both deserve to be sure of who we're with and what we're doing. He kind of resisted but I was firm. He told me he knew he'd really regret losing someone like me and told me I could talk to him whenever about anything I wanted. He was hesitant to say goodbye.

 

I'll be honest and say I'm suffering with a lot of guilt because I don't know if I jumped the gun, but I felt like I couldn't say anything that would assuage the guilt and I was worried about waiting around for someone who wasn't sure about me. I would just like some perspective on the whole situation. We are currently in N/C, initiated by me as I need some time to get over my feelings.

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You didn't really jump the gun; he was already on his way out of the relationship. He just let you pull the trigger instead of doing it himself, but it very much sounds like the end was coming.

 

I'm sorry it turned out this way. He doesn't sound like he was really ready for anything serious, particularly long-distance. You did the right thing walking away, in my opinion.

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It sounds to me like a case of out of sight out of mind.

 

Sorry he convinced you to to go long distance , my guess is that he enjoyed being with you when in close proximity but now that he’s away he wants to enjoy being with someone near him and doesn’t have it in him to put in the little effort required to keep you on the back burner for when he gets back to your country.

 

You absolutely did the right thing by not being his fall back girl.

 

Stay no contact and definitely do not respond when he contacts you in March.

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It sounds to me like a case of out of sight out of mind.

 

Sorry he convinced you to to go long distance , my guess is that he enjoyed being with you when in close proximity but now that he’s away he wants to enjoy being with someone near him and doesn’t have it in him to put in the little effort required to keep you on the back burner for when he gets back to your country.

 

You absolutely did the right thing by not being his fall back girl.

 

Stay no contact and definitely do not respond when he contacts you in March.

 

 

Thank you for your responses, I feel like a weight has been lifted today because I was beating myself up so much about maybe leaving him at a bad time when I should've been sticking around. I fully intend to stick to NC and won't be contacting him. My birthday is coming up so I just hope he isn't tempted to reach out. As we work together, I have restricted his access to everything on social media so he can't see anything that I post or my online status and vice versa, without 100% blocking as we left it on relatively good terms and I don't want there to be any animosity for when he returns to work later on. Please don't worry, I'm strong and I will steel myself even in the toughest moments when I want to break NC.

 

Unfortunately in March we will be working together but I will remain LC at that point as well.

 

 

I believe him when he told me that there isn't anyone else (he lives on a small island). I think he's just too unstable at the moment and has a lot of issues that he needs to resolve before he'll be ok to have anything serious. It's a shame because I really liked him, but I stayed in a relationship for 4 years with someone emotionally unavailable and as soon as he started talking about his doubts I just got this gut feeling of 'this needs to end'.

 

Thank you for your advice, it has brought me a lot of comfort.

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