Is my gf trying to make me break up with her?

Long time fan, first time caller. HereÂ’s a little context:

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We live together. We were supposed to take a trip, but I had to cancel about 3 weeks out because, due to unexpected events (bills, car broke down, etc.), I could no longer afford the flight.

IÂ’ve apologized and explained that in my excitement to go on the trip and make it work, that I wasnÂ’t considering all of the potential roadblocks and I will work on being more aware in the future. I felt/feel awful about having to cancel.

One solution I proposed is that I would take the overnight bus and she could fly separately in the morning. Then we can meet in the city and still have the trip. I admitted this is unconventional but I want to make the trip work and I figure an unconventional trip is better than no trip at all. Plus I take long bus trips all the time and just sleep (I can sleep anywhere)

Also, since the trip is to see her friends, I told her she can also go by herself, since I messed up and donÂ’t want her to miss a chance to see them.

She says IÂ’m putting her in an emotional corner because either

a) there is no trip which sucks

b) sheÂ’ll feel guilty about me being on the busÂ…even though IÂ’ve repeatedly said I donÂ’t mind because IÂ’m just going to sleep and I travel by bus all the time

c) She will go alone and feel bad that IÂ’m at home and not on the trip (which IÂ’ve iterated is fine, I have friends. ItÂ’s not like IÂ’ll just be sitting around sad and waiting)

I also suggested an alternate trip to NYC (something we had been discussing for a while), because it might be more affordable, but that was quickly cast off with her angrily saying “I don’t want to go to New York”

We didnÂ’t see each other much the next 3 days because i work days and she works nights. We talked in bed before sleep, and things seemed more or less cordial, laughing/affection, though she did state a few times that she was still mad because I didnÂ’t put an alternate plan in place, even though I tried the bus and NYC alternatives.

She said if I already had NYC planned out and I contacted friends to hang out with then she would be more willing to go...but at the time we had the initial discussion, I figured IÂ’d ask if she wanted to go before planning anything. She said she didnÂ’t want to go, so I didnÂ’t plan it.

Last night we were watching TV casually, laughing etc, then out of nowhere she says “So this trip isn’t happening?”

I told if she still wants to go somewhere, IÂ’ve contacted all my friends in NYC and have an AirBnB ready (aka a plan in place). All we need to do is buy a ticket and go. She replies that she doesnÂ’t want to see my friends and that now itÂ’s too short notice (2 weeks out and weÂ’ve already taken the time off)

I bring up how she said if a plan was in place she would want to go, but now that one is, sheÂ’s changed her mind. I ask her why this is and her response:

“ fck you” then walks away

I leave the house for a few hours. I come back and we talk and I tell her that cursing at me is not productive and is just an attempt to hurt me and I was really hurt by some things she said. They werenÂ’t moving toward a solution but rather just insulting.

Her response - “I’m sorry you’re not getting what you need out of the relationship. Maybe you should date someone else who doesn’t say disrespectful things to you.”

Huh?? I never said that or went there.

I sincerely apologized about the trip and took a deep look at myself and analyzed where I went wrong and how to improve. I tried alternatives and they didnÂ’t work...ok fine, but what is the reason for saying something like that?

Does she want me to break up with her? Does she not want to do it, and so sheÂ’s trying to make me do it.

Any help is appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Sincerely,

Very Confused

Her response - I'm sorry you’re not getting what you need out of the relationship. Maybe you should date someone else who doesn’t say disrespectful things to you.”

She might be projecting her own feelings? Perhaps she feels that way (SHE is not getting what she needs out of the relationship) (SHE would rather date someone else)

Does she want me to break up with her? Does she not want to do it, and so she’s trying to make me do it.

Very possible that she is checking out (or has checked out from the relationship already)

How old are the two of you? How is everything else in the relationship? Agree on the big life plans, marriage, kids? You mentioned financial hardship...is this temporary or has it been going on for some time?

Finances and lack thereof can create a huge strain on a relationship.

I could be wrong but perhaps a discussion with her friends about you having to take the bus while she flies was a topic of her conversation.

Her friends could be throwing you under the bus (pun intended) and she was in agreement.

With more context of everything else in your relationship, I might be able to help more.

Well...this is one of those crossroads in relationships that should make you step way back and take a good look at your partner. Life came up, money is a big deal and was affected by things that weren't anticipated, you gave her a heads up in plenty of time, and you offered alternatives and possible workaround solutions and her response is basically pitching a fit and rejecting everything. Not to mention telling you "fck you" in final response. Personally, that would leave me cold and I would no longer be able to see a person like that as a long term partner. Can you imagine how she'll react when you have to make harder decisions in life than just how you might travel on a one trip? I could not find her behavior in any way acceptable in your shoes and would be letting her go on her merry way.

She does come across as highly passive aggressive and unfortunately, that will constantly leave you in this situation where you have no idea what she actually means and wants. Rather than trying to figure her out and read her mind, maybe ask yourself if this is really the kind of bs you want to put up with in a partner and how much worse it might get as more serious life challenges come up. I mean this isn't really even a life challenge as such and she already threw an all out tantrum and refuses to communicate or resolve it, only to beat you up over it and swear at you. Sorry but you are seeing her colors and they are not pretty. So it's not a question of what she wants, but do you really want to carry on with a person who'll treat you like that?

I'm also curious about your ages, and how things have been between you two leading up to this moment. Would you say you've been aligned in the big picture, where things are heading? Harmonious in the little picture, i.e. the day to day? Is there any history of money troubles, specifically your own money troubles getting in the way of fun plans? Any history of combative or "dramatic" reactions from her to unexpected changes? Some context there would help.

As for the specifics? I think her reaction, from the moment you canceled the trip, has been a bit over-the-top and punishing. Life happens: cars break down, bills come in, and so on. You provided a perfectly reasonable alternative—the bus—that in my opinion was ideal under the circumstances. The "emotional corner" she was put in was self-imposed, not you-imposed, in short. Given her wishy-washy reaction about New York, I'd say that, for some reason, it's an emotional corner she's finding some comfort in right now.

Why? Can't say without knowing more, though it's something to observe and try to understand sooner than later. Could be that she's checked out a bit, or upset about something deeper and is using this moment to express that sideways. Could also be that she's just emotionally immature, as jumping to things like "maybe you should date someone else" is immaturity 101, regardless of whatever else is going on. It's taking kerosene to the fire—what children do when they don't get exactly what they want.

If this is totally out of the norm behavior—well, I'd be concerned. If it's a slightly more extreme version of how she behaves when things go a bit sideways—well, I'd maybe do some thinking about whether this is someone you believe you're compatible with for the longterm. In the scheme of jabs life has in store for both of you, this is a paper cut. What happens when the real blows come?

Anyhow, give her a minute to cool off, and give yourself a minute to cool off as well. Then, when things have settled down, I'd let her know that you're troubled by that last exchange, feeling a bit at loss, and hope she can help you understand how she's feeling better. Then listen—really listen—to what she says.

She might be projecting her own feelings? Perhaps she feels that way (SHE is not getting what she needs out of the relationship) (SHE would rather date someone else)

 

 

 

 

Very possible that she is checking out (or has checked out from the relationship already)

 

How old are the two of you? How is everything else in the relationship? Agree on the big life plans, marriage, kids? You mentioned financial hardship...is this temporary or has it been going on for some time?

Finances and lack thereof can create a huge strain on a relationship.

 

I could be wrong but perhaps a discussion with her friends about you having to take the bus while she flies was a topic of her conversation.

Her friends could be throwing you under the bus (pun intended) and she was in agreement.

 

With more context of everything else in your relationship, I might be able to help more.

Thank you for your response and the bus pun lol.

I’m 31 and she is 26. Finances generally are not a problem for me. She’s in school and not working full time, so we split the rent 60/40...but her mom actually pays her 40% since she’s in school. I put gas in her car every week, and I paid for half of the recent repair... which affected my ability to go on the trip. Also I’m buying a new car this week, which will be good for both of us since her car is old and is always breaking down.

Things in the relationship are generally good but when we argue I feel as if I’m focused on trying to come together to find a resolution and she’s more focused with insulting me or trying to be right. That bothers me as I can view relationships as more of a team environment.

I know I’m not perfect so I do look at her criticism as a reflection of how I can improve, but the rage and insults behind it, especially in this most recent scenario, are starting to breed this feeling in me where I feel like even if I changed and did everything how she wanted, she would find something else to roast me for.

maybe ask yourself if this is really the kind of bs you want to put up with in a partner and how much worse it might get as more serious life challenges come up. I mean this isn't really even a life challenge as such and she already threw an all out tantrum and refuses to communicate or resolve it, only to beat you up over it and swear at you.

I’ve unfortunately already started to have these thoughts. We’ve both been through a lot in our personal lives before meeting each other and I feel like this mishap is relatively minor compared to what we’ve been through and what life will throw at us later. Seems like maybe this whole situation is representative of another issue idk.

She almost always reacts like this during any inconvenience or conflict. I’m not trying to exaggerate but this behavior is par for the course as far as her methods of conflict resolution.

When things calm down, you will have to have a discussion about relationship rules. Explain how name calling and insults will cause bitterness to start eating away at the love you share, and you don't want that to happen. Get a book like Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and tell her you want to take turns with her reading chapters out loud, like one chapter per day, while you're relaxing in bed or on the couch.

If she's too immature to listen to your concerns, and unwilling to make improvements in the relationship, then does she really care enough? Does she even work part time? I worked full time and went to college. Why doesn't she live at home and go to college, or is it far from her parents home? Sounds like maybe she's been spoiled by her parents and takes a tantrum if she doesn't get her way, but I'm just guessing since I don't know all the details. How much longer will it be for her to get her degree? Do you even know what her work ethic is, which is important when choosing a long term partner?

Let us know how it goes.

I feel like even if I changed and did everything how she wanted, she would find something else to roast me for.

I would have to agree with you on that.

So, you are covering the majority of her financial needs including repairing her car which contributed to not being able to afford the flight, and she has the nerve to throw insults and a "fck you"?

And with the arguing style, she sounds unbalanced and immature from where I sit.

You tried to find an alternative fix for your trip and now shuts down the idea. Then you apologized. This relationship doesn't sound "team oriented" as all good relationships are.

I'd be confused too!

I really don't want to scare you, but her statement "I’m sorry you’re not getting what you need out of the relationship. Maybe you should date someone else who doesn’t say disrespectful things to you.” could be a result

from guilt. Along with the possibility of checking out of the relationship (consciously or unconciously) are you certain her eyes aren't on another guy right now?

She almost always reacts like this during any inconvenience or conflict. I’m not trying to exaggerate but this behavior is par for the course as far as her methods of conflict resolution.

The favourite buzzword today with Millennials is "entitlement". Do you think she is entitled?

This is why I say, It's not the relationship that has issues, it's what is brought into the relationship. If the previous baggage is not dealt with before, it will create an unhealthy, troublesome relationship. This is why you repeatedly have conflict like this. Will this be fixed? only if everyone owns their issues, and goes to counseling. I suspect she's wants help with this but doesn't know how to do it. Most just throw up their hands and walk away as a solution.

She almost always reacts like this during any inconvenience or conflict. I’m not trying to exaggerate but this behavior is par for the course as far as her methods of conflict resolution.

Yikes....in that case, what you see is what you get and it's not going to get better. It doesn't matter what you've both individually been through in life because when it comes to relationships, conflict resolution skills are basically what make or break relationships. In this case, you are dealing with a girl who doesn't have any healthy conflict skills.

If you aren't ready to end things yet, then sit down with her and have a serious do or die kind of a conversation with her about it. If nothing changes.....you have a tough decision to make.

Going to be uncharacteristically frank here.

If you're paying the majority of the rent, putting gas in her car, and repairing her car while her portion of rent is covered my mom—well, she has essentially no right to say a thing. It's flat-out ridiculous, that sense of entitlement, and I'd really take moment to decide if this is the sort of dynamic you want to be in. Sounds like she's punishing you for her inability to handle the basic business of being a grownup, and sounds like this is hardly an isolated incident but just a more high-voltage example. Probably she has come to resent you a bit because she's dependent on you—and her parents—and so the way she goes about feeling independent (a deeply human need) is to lash out.

You say this is how she "almost always" reacts, but here's the tough part: that means you have "almost always" enabled it, and therefore validated it. Might be worth thinking about what you get out of that, isolating what playing that role offers you, and then asking yourself if it's a role you want to play inside a romantic partnership. Been down that path myself.

Sounds like this is a needed moment to prompt a very real discussion about things. How they look right now, how you'd both like them to look moving forward, and what's needed to turn the battleship that is you two toward that horizon. If that's not a talk she's able to have—well, as other's have said, I think you have some hard choices to consider.

Do not, I repeat, do NOT buy her a new car! You two will break up and you're financially on the hook for a car she gets to drive.

Please...do NOT buy her the new car.

Do not, I repeat, do NOT buy her a new car! You two will break up and you're financially on the hook for a car she gets to drive.

 

Please...do NOT buy her the new car.

Definitely not. I’m buying myself the new car, which would be useful for the two of us...if there will even be a two of us.

You say this is how she "almost always" reacts, but here's the tough part: that means you have "almost always" enabled it, and therefore validated it. Might be worth thinking about what you get out of that, isolating what playing that role offers you, and then asking yourself if it's a role you want to play inside a romantic partnership. Been down that path myself.

.

i didn’t think of myself as an enabler. I guess I was just hoping that she would improve over time if I was patient. But maybe I am just enabling...

She's not "making you breakup with her", she's upset that you cancelled last minute. Stop making it worse by coming up with passive-aggressive non-solutions. She can go you be with her friends, you can spend your money on your sudden emergencies. Sounds like very poor communication and as though these stand offs happen quite a bit.

It's not confusing at all, you didn't want to go on the trip, so came up with all this to slither out of it and she saw through that. Even the statement "make her break up with you" is passive aggressive thinking that you are applying to her. Figure out a way to be honest and state what you want and don't want rather than jerk everyone around like this.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We live together.

the trip is to see her friends. then out of nowhere she says “So this trip isn’t happening?”

Does she want me to break up with her? Does she not want to do it, and so sheÂ’s trying to make me do it.

She's not "making you breakup with her", she's upset that you cancelled last minute. Stop making it worse by coming up with passive-aggressive non-solutions. She can go you be with her friends, you can spend your money on your sudden emergencies. Sounds like very poor communication and as though these stand offs happen quite a bit.

 

It's not confusing at all, you didn't want to go on the trip, so came up with all this to slither out of it and she saw through that. Even the statement "make her break up with you" is passive aggressive thinking that you are applying to her. Figure out a way to be honest and state what you want and don't want rather than jerk everyone around like this.

Huh? I don’t want to slither out of anything and I want to go on a trip w my gf. And I didn’t make a statement about breaking up. I was asking a question because I’m confused.

Would you characterize her as a bit spoiled by her parents? Why can't she just go see her friends?

I didn’t make a statement about breaking up.

I wouldn’t characterize her as spoiled. She works hard, in school, at her job and around the house. I think she’s an amazing woman. She can go see her friends and I would be happy with that...I’m not the type to really put restrictions on my partner.

I wouldn’t characterize her as spoiled. She works hard, in school, at her job and around the house. I think she’s an amazing woman. She can go see her friends and I would be happy with that...I’m not the type to really put restrictions on my partner.

And this is why the relationship isn't the issue, the issue lies within her. It was there before you two got together and this is why you are confused, wondering what da hell she is doing when you have done nothing. You are not the problem.

All I can say is she should have taken you up on the idea that you take the bus and she flies to wherever you were gonna go, and all this would not have happened. I think she was foolish in that regard.