It's time for me to go my own way

I have decided to end my current relationship. If anyone has any helpful and considerate advice on the best, most respectful way I can say this to her in a way that is the least painful for her, I'd greatly appreciate it. Here is a link for reference to my personal situation. Thank you. https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561791

She sounds like a poor match for you in many ways.

You have made a good effort to try and make it work for the last year, and made a good decision to part ways.

How to tell her.

Think of all the "why's" from your previous posts and write them all down on paper.

Then find the kindest way to address them to her...on paper.

Then tell her these things in person firmly, confidently, respectfully and kindly.

The words Irreconcilable Differences come to mind...

From Google...

Unwanted involvement from in-laws

Failing to find a balance between work and a home life

Failure to communicate

Lack of sexual intimacy

Personal habits/idiosyncrasies

Lack of participation in household responsibilities

Relationships with friends

Political views

Debt problems

Differences in disciplining the children

You will note "Failure to communicate" is there.

It shouldn't come to a surprise that she is super quiet and you are talkative.

best of luck

She sounds like a poor match for you in many ways.

You have made a good effort to try and make it work for the last year, and made a good decision to part ways.

 

How to tell her.

Think of all the "why's" from your previous posts and write them all down on paper.

Then find the kindest way to address them to her...on paper.

 

Then tell her these things in person firmly, confidently, respectfully and kindly.

 

The words Irreconcilable Differences come to mind...

 

From Google...

 

Unwanted involvement from in-laws

Failing to find a balance between work and a home life

Failure to communicate

Lack of sexual intimacy

Personal habits/idiosyncrasies

Lack of participation in household responsibilities

Relationships with friends

Political views

Debt problems

Differences in disciplining the children

 

You will note "Failure to communicate" is there.

It shouldn't come to a surprise that she is super quiet and you are talkative.

 

best of luck

Thank you. Out of that list, the only one that really sticks is failure to communicate. But that is exactly the reason why I'm moving on. That and the inability to have any conversation at all, really.

forget the list from Google. I shouldn't have included it. The better advice of my post is the first part.

Sorry we meet again under these circumstances.

I think the most respectful way to do this is directly, in person, and briefly. You let her know that, while you care about her and have cherished your time together, that you've realized you need some things out of a relationship at this stage that you're not getting, and have decided after much thought that ending things is now the very hard, but needed step for you.

And that, really, is that.

This is about you—your thoughts, feelings, needs, and free will—so don't make it about what she did, or didn't do, to bring this upon her. Don't be vague, keeping doors ajar to soften the blow, since that's ultimately more painful and confusing than being straightforward and honest. Some discussion of particulars will likely ensue, and I'd suggest framing that in the context of what has stopped working for you, like communication, and how it would be emotionally dishonest to lead her to believe those things could be worked on, or through, together.

She will react how she reacts, feel whatever she feels. You show her respect by allowing that, whatever it is, not in trying to manage it or lessen it. Honesty is both of your best friends right now, even when the truth carries a sharp blade.

Hope that helps. Sorry again.

Sorry we meet again under these circumstances.

 

I think the most respectful way to do this is directly, in person, and briefly. You let her know that, while you care about her and have cherished your time together, that you've realized you need some things out of a relationship at this stage that you're not getting, and have decided after much thought that ending things is now the very hard, but needed step for you.

 

And that, really, is that.

 

This is about you—your thoughts, feelings, needs, and free will—so don't make it about what she did, or didn't do, to bring this upon her. Don't be vague, keeping doors ajar to soften the blow, since that's ultimately more painful and confusing than being straightforward and honest. Some discussion of particulars will likely ensue, and I'd suggest framing that in the context of what has stopped working for you, like communication, and how it would be emotionally dishonest to lead her to believe those things could be worked on, or through, together.

 

She will react how she reacts, feel whatever she feels. You show her respect by allowing that, whatever it is, not in trying to manage it or lessen it. Honesty is both of your best friends right now, even when the truth carries a sharp blade.

 

Hope that helps. Sorry again.

Thank you, bluecastle. Your advice is gold. Really helpful.

Don’t make a list of all her faults or your reasons why you want to end things. She will just become defensive and feel backed into a corner.

Don’t also give her any false hope.

Just blatantly tell her you two are not compatible and wish her the best.

I would be completely honest with your feelings and express them precisely to your girlfriend. No matter what, all breakups are hurtful and painful. No one wants to receive the "Dear John" letter, no one wants to feel rejected and dumped. Having said that, you can remain calm and truthful even though you know she won't want to hear what you have to say.

I'd say the following:

"We're a mismatch and we're incompatible. Due to your kids, you have your own schedule to keep, can't stay out late and you go to sleep early. It's not your fault. It's the way it is due to having children. Since I don't have children, obviously I have a more flexibile schedule whereas you don't which means limited time with you.

Also, you and I have different personalities. I enjoy conversations whether with you or in social settings with my friends. You're very quiet and while there's nothing wrong with that, it's awkward for me to have long stretches of silence from you no matter where we are. This is not my comfort zone. I want consistent verbal communication. I'm not asking you to change for me nor would I ever demand nor expect it. We all have different personalities which I respect and accept. I appreciated good times with you in the past and there's a lot about your character that I admire. However, this relationship isn't working and I'm unhappy. I want out."

Be completely transparent while remaining calm and respectful even if she might become emotionally explosive due to anger, frustration and helplessness. Be prepared for that scenario while remaining calm. Never engage in a shouting match. You're the one who needs to remain in control at all times and then make arrangements to exit the relationship permanently.

If you want this breakup to be the least painful for her, emphasize incompatibility of personalities and don't pin the blame on her.

Don't say anything which she could even remotely misinterpret as being "it's you fault". You know her, we don't, so you will have to work out where that boundary is.

I wouldn't say some of the things Cherylyn says, because in her emotional moment that will likely happen.

I certainly wouldn't specifically mention her schedule, or her kids.

Other than that, I agree with Cherylyn.

Please do not do anything this hateful and mean. In fact this is an excellent example of the kinds of topics and words to stay far away from.

I'd say the following:

 

"We're a mismatch and we're incompatible. Due to your kids, you have your own schedule to keep, can't stay out late and you go to sleep early. It's not your fault. It's the way it is due to having children. Since I don't have children, obviously I have a more flexibile schedule whereas you don't which means limited time with you.

 

Also, you and I have different personalities. I enjoy conversations whether with you or in social settings with my friends. You're very quiet and while there's nothing wrong with that, it's awkward for me to have long stretches of silence from you no matter where we are. This is not my comfort zone. I want consistent verbal communication. I'm not asking you to change for me nor would I ever demand nor expect it. We all have different personalities which I respect and accept. I appreciated good times with you in the past and there's a lot about your character that I admire. However, this relationship isn't working and I'm unhappy. I want out."