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Thread: How Important is "Passion" to you?

  1. #1
    Bronze Member
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    How Important is "Passion" to you?

    Hey there ENA. Been a while since I posted, but I still read almost every day :)

    Quick Recap: I am 2.5 years out of the toxic relationship that brought me here to ENA. Ex married within 10 months of the breakup - I am in 'no contact' and working on healing.

    Last January, I met a new guy and we are soon to celebrate our one year anniversary. I need the advice of this forum again because I am feeling a lack of passion and intensity with this guy. It is a healthy relationship compared to the last. I will admit the communication could be better. But the major issue is our sex life is not what I would like it to be and I do not receive any words of affirmation from him besides the routine "I love you" before we part ways. If I can use the word 'spark' here, I simply do not feel it with him. He has mentioned before that he believes I am desperately trying to recreate the emotion and intensity that I had with my last partner. I can agree with this to a certain extent... but I am a passionate, loving woman who appreciates when a partner makes them feel wanted and beautiful.

    Physically and emotionally I feel unsatisfied- but I enjoy his company, we laugh together and we have made many memories on countless adventures.

    My question is would you stay in a relationship if this spark,lust,chemistry (whatever you want to call it) isn't there? I realize that this eventually fades for most long term relationships, but we never had it from the beginning - will this become a bigger issue as time goes on?

    I worry that I am placing too much value on the bedroom, physical chemistry and loving words. Almost feels like a best friend. I do not feel he desires me and when he does, it is very robotic (we have never kissed passionately and I miss that SO MUCH). However, he is loyal, helpful, funny - and clearly likes having me around.


    Sorry to ramble but I would love to hear some experiences and thoughts on this. Great group here and I appreciate reading every day. TIA!

  2. #2
    Gold Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Natasha207

    My question is would you stay in a relationship if this spark,lust,chemistry (whatever you want to call it) isn't there? I realize that this eventually fades for most long term relationships, but we never had it from the beginning - will this become a bigger issue as time goes on?

    I worry that I am placing too much value on the bedroom, physical chemistry and loving words. Almost feels like a best friend. I do not feel he desires me and when he does, it is very robotic (we have never kissed passionately and I miss that SO MUCH). However, he is loyal, helpful, funny - and clearly likes having me around.
    Sorry to hear that you are going through this.

    Feel free to browse my posts about this same issue.
    I married almost 6 years ago waiting for the passion to develop, and have learned the hard way that it doesn't. I am with a person who doesn't and never did like to kiss passionately or "make out".
    I love her and we get along in many ways, but I have a constant yearning for more passion. It's very mechanical and honestly, I wouldn't have married her if I knew that she truly isn't into to kissing
    and even holding hands.

    Some people are just not wired that way.
    If you can leave relatively unscathed, I would do so. Because IMO that passion will never come if it's not there now.
    Life is too short to be kissed like a distant relative.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have you read the book Five Love Languages?

  4. #4
    Gold Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Have you read the book Five Love Languages?
    With all due respect Wiseman2 (and I usually resonate with everything you say for years), The Love Languages is an excellent book to find compromises and to accept a person the way they are.
    However, when it comes to passion, that is for most people a deal breaker. Some people (myself included) live without a passion for their spouse and continue on.
    I've reached my breaking point many times in the marriage and it's all because of this lack of passion. All I do is reminisce of past relationships where we kissed passionately (many years later in the relationship)
    and had a mutually satisfying sex life.
    I even envy senior citizens holding hands, because it's something my spouse isn't into.

    If I could turn back the clock, I would.

    So, if the OP's investment in the relationship is not too deep, I would move on.

    Just my $0.02

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It could different things, but something to consider. You mentioned you were in a toxic relationship.
    Dramatic highs and lows go hand in hand with toxic relationships and if we aren't careful when can confuse relative calm and the balance a new healthy partner gives us as something being missing.

    Personally, I've experienced all types. The toxic, the dramatic, the flat lined. I stuck it out with someone I felt that lack of crazy intensity with. What I learned (for me) was that that intensity I was looking for wasn't healthy. In other words. it was drama. In return I have probably the most stable and fulfilling relationship I've ever been in.

    In hindsight, those who I would previously consider my greatest loves where I felt the most passion and intensity were instead the most unhealthy relationships I had ever been in.

    Not sure if this is your case. He may or may not be the right guy for you, but it's something to give some thought to.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Natasha207
    My question is would you stay in a relationship if this spark,lust,chemistry (whatever you want to call it) isn't there? I realize that this eventually fades for most long term relationships, but we never had it from the beginning - will this become a bigger issue as time goes on?
    No, and yes, respectively.

    I personally wouldn't continue to date someone with whom I'd never had a spark or chemistry, because (as I indicated above) I know it would indeed become a bigger problem down the road.

    Compatibility across many areas is important for me in sustaining a long-term relationship, and that includes sexual compatibility. Sure, it ebbs and flows over the years and for different reasons, but if it's not even there from the beginning? That, to me, is someone I would prefer to be friends with. Not romantic partners.

    There is a difference between the unhealthy highs and lows of a toxic relationship, and simply not being that into your partner. It doesn't necessarily mean you're trying to create unhealthy patterns in your new relationship. It could mean, however, that you're trying to shove a square peg into a round hole simply because you know the guy is good on paper and you "should" want to date him. It doesn't necessarily follow that he is right for you.

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    Can you feel passion with someone who is stable, there for you, truly loves you? Or do you need to be kept on your toes in a bad way -meaning someone who runs hot and cold? Passion to me is essential. And knowing -feeling secure in knowing -that the passion if not there momentarily or even more than momentarily given life's situations/struggles -that it can be revived -believing that the core of it is still there. Yesterday I told my husband I was going into the shower (no it's not what you think) and he said reflexively "oh do you want me to raise the heat before you come out?" I was so touched -he's so busy, he thought of me, etc. Passionate would be "ooohhhh can I join you???" but I wouldn't have wanted that then -too busy lol - but the thoughtfulness, the caring -meant so much to me. But if I didn't know in my heart that we click passionately, we have chemistry (whether or not we're getting to have sex as often as we should/like to) then I would feel like I'd settled and I'd be dissatisfied.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    No spark for me would be a dealbreaker. I have plenty of good friends, so I'd require more from a partner because I'm monogamous. Friendships can hold different degrees of excitement and different friends can meet different needs. If I take up with a lover, it needs to be loving, not meh.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Can you feel passion with someone who is stable, there for you, truly loves you? Or do you need to be kept on your toes in a bad way -meaning someone who runs hot and cold? Passion to me is essential. And knowing -feeling secure in knowing -that the passion if not there momentarily or even more than momentarily given life's situations/struggles -that it can be revived -believing that the core of it is still there. Yesterday I told my husband I was going into the shower (no it's not what you think) and he said reflexively "oh do you want me to raise the heat before you come out?" I was so touched -he's so busy, he thought of me, etc. Passionate would be "ooohhhh can I join you???" but I wouldn't have wanted that then -too busy lol - but the thoughtfulness, the caring -meant so much to me. But if I didn't know in my heart that we click passionately, we have chemistry (whether or not we're getting to have sex as often as we should/like to) then I would feel like I'd settled and I'd be dissatisfied.
    I definitely dont miss the hot and cold of the toxic relationship. But I do miss the burning fire of someone missing me while I'm away, deep passionate kissing, sexual desire that involves touching and telling me I'm sexy. My ex was hot and cold.... but I cannot deny our chemistry in bed was incredible and I could feel my stomach flip when he looked at me a certain way. This new guy is very muted when it comes to expressing emotion in general and I'm finding it very hard to fall hard and deep in love because nothing else is 'hard and deep' hahaha

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Natasha207
    I definitely dont miss the hot and cold of the toxic relationship. But I do miss the burning fire of someone missing me while I'm away, deep passionate kissing, sexual desire that involves touching and telling me I'm sexy. My ex was hot and cold.... but I cannot deny our chemistry in bed was incredible and I could feel my stomach flip when he looked at me a certain way. This new guy is very muted when it comes to expressing emotion in general and I'm finding it very hard to fall hard and deep in love because nothing else is 'hard and deep' hahaha
    I get it. I think if you stay with him you will feel like you are settling. I broke two engagements because that was missing.

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