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Thread: How Important is "Passion" to you?

  1. #51
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bossanova67
    My own therapist absolutely does not recommend staying in this relationship, not from what he's heard from me. I've known that for a long time. If only it were so easy for me as to following other people's sound advice!
    Nothing worthwhile is "easy". Why would you think this situation is any different?

    Think about what 40 more years of being drunkenly verbally abused and made fun of for your most intimate body part will do to you.

  2. #52
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Nothing worthwhile is "easy". Why would you think this situation is any different?

    Think about what 40 more years of being drunkenly verbally abused and made fun of for your most intimate body part will do to you.
    I *am* thinking about more emotional abuse and sex-shaming. I've been thinking about those things for most of the last year.

    I've also been writing out a relationship inventory (based on the book by Susan Elliott, Getting Past Your Break-Up), and its painful to write. Based on this inventory, I should've ended it at the early stage, more than a year ago. But I didn't, and it's still so hard for me to leave and stop it.

  3. #53
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    Originally Posted by bossanova67
    This post and all the comments are super hard for me to read - but necessary - because *I'm* the male partner who my girlfriend doesn't have sexual passion for, and we're probably going to break up because of it.

    We've been dating for about 1 1/2 years, and the sex problems happened pretty soon. I have a performance anxiety that hampers my erections, but with my gf penis-shaming me from that time on, I basically developed psychological ED. (There's probably some physical aspects, too, like aging, but it's largely mental). And her penis-shaming stems in large part from her having a drinking problem and saying mean things about my sexuality when she's drunk, which is every time we get together. It also doesn't help that she often mentions her ex, and how great the sex was with him. That makes me even more insecure.

    Now, I'm super nice to her, help with her life, and we have a connection and get along in most other respects. But she complains about the lack of sex. The more she complains, the less I can do it. The less I can do it, the more she complains. When I try, she resists, but then says after that my attempt was awkward.

    We're going to a sex therapist / relationship counselor now in a last ditch try to save things, but it's not working. In fact, my gf is probably using the therapy as an easy way to break it off. We're on a "break" initiated by her, but I don't see how things can turn around, and there's a good chance that she'll break up with me. I should break up with her but just can't. I'm too attached. That's the subject of a full post awaiting moderator approval.

    I know the OP's situation is different from this, since she seems a lot nicer about it. But I guess the commonality is that passion / lust / sexual spark is necessary. If it's lacking, for whatever reason, it's hard to make it a relationship. I'll continue reading these posts for any insight. All the best to OP.
    I agree with the others. Also for you this is easy in a way - you are attached to someone where you know it's going nowhere and you'll never have to make a true commitment -so you can yearn/long/hope and know in some part of you that you'll never have to do the real work of staying in a relationship that involves mutuality of interest, of feelings, that is not always a rollercoaster (which you seem to thrive on -otherwise you wouldn't be there-people move towards pleasure and away from pain).

    You are super nice to someone who is not nice to you -that is also easy. It's one sided - you get to play the martyr. And it's telling that you resort to that trendy "we have a connection"- many people have a connection of one kind or another. And not all of them are meant to or should be in a romantic relationship.

  4. #54
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bossanova67
    I *am* thinking about more emotional abuse and sex-shaming. I've been thinking about those things for most of the last year.

    I've also been writing out a relationship inventory (based on the book by Susan Elliott, Getting Past Your Break-Up), and its painful to write. Based on this inventory, I should've ended it at the early stage, more than a year ago. But I didn't, and it's still so hard for me to leave and stop it.
    Well, like I said anything worth doing requires effort. Sometimes that effort is difficult. But the results are worth it. Being abused for the rest of your life or getting out of this toxic, damaging relationship.

    Imagine meeting someone who doesn't abuse you! Doesn't that sound wonderful!

    Of course, if being verbally abused is your jam that's fine too. Just accept it and make peace with it. It's no one's business but your own.

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