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Thread: How Important is "Passion" to you?

  1. #41
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    I would add to that list by making sure it's not just a pro/con of the ex. Do some reflection clear of that relationship. Think solely on your vision.

  2. #42
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    This post and all the comments are super hard for me to read - but necessary - because *I'm* the male partner who my girlfriend doesn't have sexual passion for, and we're probably going to break up because of it.

    We've been dating for about 1 1/2 years, and the sex problems happened pretty soon. I have a performance anxiety that hampers my erections, but with my gf penis-shaming me from that time on, I basically developed psychological ED. (There's probably some physical aspects, too, like aging, but it's largely mental). And her penis-shaming stems in large part from her having a drinking problem and saying mean things about my sexuality when she's drunk, which is every time we get together. It also doesn't help that she often mentions her ex, and how great the sex was with him. That makes me even more insecure.

    Now, I'm super nice to her, help with her life, and we have a connection and get along in most other respects. But she complains about the lack of sex. The more she complains, the less I can do it. The less I can do it, the more she complains. When I try, she resists, but then says after that my attempt was awkward.

    We're going to a sex therapist / relationship counselor now in a last ditch try to save things, but it's not working. In fact, my gf is probably using the therapy as an easy way to break it off. We're on a "break" initiated by her, but I don't see how things can turn around, and there's a good chance that she'll break up with me. I should break up with her but just can't. I'm too attached. That's the subject of a full post awaiting moderator approval.

    I know the OP's situation is different from this, since she seems a lot nicer about it. But I guess the commonality is that passion / lust / sexual spark is necessary. If it's lacking, for whatever reason, it's hard to make it a relationship. I'll continue reading these posts for any insight. All the best to OP.

  3. #43
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    Originally Posted by bossanova67
    This post and all the comments are super hard for me to read - but necessary - because *I'm* the male partner who my girlfriend doesn't have sexual passion for, and we're probably going to break up because of it.

    We've been dating for about 1 1/2 years, and the sex problems happened pretty soon. I have a performance anxiety that hampers my erections, but with my gf penis-shaming me from that time on, I basically developed psychological ED. (There's probably some physical aspects, too, like aging, but it's largely mental). And her penis-shaming stems in large part from her having a drinking problem and saying mean things about my sexuality when she's drunk, which is every time we get together. It also doesn't help that she often mentions her ex, and how great the sex was with him. That makes me even more insecure.

    Now, I'm super nice to her, help with her life, and we have a connection and get along in most other respects. But she complains about the lack of sex. The more she complains, the less I can do it. The less I can do it, the more she complains. When I try, she resists, but then says after that my attempt was awkward.

    We're going to a sex therapist / relationship counselor now in a last ditch try to save things, but it's not working. In fact, my gf is probably using the therapy as an easy way to break it off. We're on a "break" initiated by her, but I don't see how things can turn around, and there's a good chance that she'll break up with me. I should break up with her but just can't. I'm too attached. That's the subject of a full post awaiting moderator approval.

    I know the OP's situation is different from this, since she seems a lot nicer about it. But I guess the commonality is that passion / lust / sexual spark is necessary. If it's lacking, for whatever reason, it's hard to make it a relationship. I'll continue reading these posts for any insight. All the best to OP.
    I don't understand why you would stay with an abusive drunk.. Time to understand your choices in women.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to get evaluated by a doctor and see a therapist alone for yourself. You also need to get your health in order including getting in shape and cutting out alcohol. Without appropriate physical assessments sex therapy is nonsense.

    The general incompatibility, strive and disrespect are also factors. It would be best to get healthy and get rid of this gf, not just a break.
    Originally Posted by bossanova67
    I have a performance anxiety that hampers my erections, There's probably some physical aspects, too, like aging
    We're going to a sex therapist / relationship counselor now in a last ditch try to save things, but it's not working. In fact, my gf is probably using the therapy as an easy way to break it off.

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  6. #45
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    Oops, meant to reply with this quote: I don't understand why you would stay with an abusive drunk.. Time to understand your choices in women.

    I'm staying with her for not very good reasons: shes's hot; I've grown attached; she has a career; we're in the same field; I've never broken up with anyone, just been broken up with; I've made so much effort with her (sunk cost fallacy); I think, probably incorrectly, that it'll get better with more talk, working it out, joint therapist. I just can't let go. All the bad reasons you see here on ENA. And yes, I've made bad choices like this before. I understand they're bad, but by the time I see that I'm too attached already.

  7. #46
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bossanova67
    Oops, meant to reply with this quote: I don't understand why you would stay with an abusive drunk.. Time to understand your choices in women.

    I'm staying with her for not very good reasons: shes's hot; I've grown attached; she has a career; we're in the same field; I've never broken up with anyone, just been broken up with; I've made so much effort with her (sunk cost fallacy); I think, probably incorrectly, that it'll get better with more talk, working it out, joint therapist. I just can't let go. All the bad reasons you see here on ENA. And yes, I've made bad choices like this before. I understand they're bad, but by the time I see that I'm too attached already.
    Perhaps you're waiting for her to end it. Save you the trouble.

  8. #47
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You need to get evaluated by a doctor and see a therapist alone for yourself. You also need to get your health in order including getting in shape and cutting out alcohol. Without appropriate physical assessments sex therapy is nonsense.

    The general incompatibility, strive and disrespect are also factors. It would be best to get healthy and get rid of this gf, not just a break.
    I have seen a urologist several times, and apparently it's mostly psychogenic - not physical reasons such as blood flow, nerve damage, or other issues. I do agree that improving my overall physical condition is needed, for sexuality and general good health.

    I also have being seeing my own talk therapist / counselor too for most of the time that I've dated this woman. It helps a little, but not completely.

    It's correct that this is not healthy for me. But I just can't break away completely, I just can't. If she does it, I guess I'll accept it. I'm both terrified of her doing it, and wanting her to do it. It sucks, and I'm hurting alot.

  9. #48
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Perhaps you're waiting for her to end it. Save you the trouble.
    f she does it, I guess I'll accept it. I'm both terrified of her doing it, and *KINDA* wanting her to do it.

    I really want a miracle occur and everything will get magically better. This is fantasy, though. But that's why I'm more terrified of her breaking up with me than wanting it, because in this fantasy world, there's some small chance, 0.001%. That last infinitessimally small chance I'm hanging onto.

  10. #49
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Does your therapist recommend staying in this relationship? Does he/she think there's a "chance"?

  11. #50
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Does your therapist recommend staying in this relationship? Does he/she think there's a "chance"?
    My own therapist absolutely does not recommend staying in this relationship, not from what he's heard from me. I've known that for a long time. If only it were so easy for me as to following other people's sound advice!

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