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Thread: How Important is "Passion" to you?

  1. #31
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Read the article: interesting, no doubt, but I'm not quite sure it applies to this scenario.

    OP is not a year into a relationship and longing for a "passion" that once existed between them, but for a kind of "passion" that has never existed. Eight weeks in she wrote a nearly verbatim post about things, updating it in June: more of the same, more of less. Six months later it's the same issue: not that things have changed for the worse, but that they've stayed the same. The foundation of this relationship is solid and consistent, in other words; it's what that foundation is made of that is the issue here. In another dynamic it would be a cause for calm and celebration that, 12 months into a relationship, things still feel much the way they did at 8 weeks.

    It takes many people a fair amount of time and experience to learn that, by and large, what you get from someone is what you get. Let's say you meet a dude who is obsessed with craft beer and golf; well, it is unlikely that he will morph into a dude who wants to talk literature and philosophy over artisanal cheese if you just "give it some time." Similarly, a dude (or dudette) who is a bit "beige" on the intimacy front, to use Skeptic's excellent descriptor, is unlikely to get red hot if you're patient. That's like tending to a herd of cattle in hopes that they'll become jaguars if you give them enough grass and room to roam.

    OP is 30, so quite young. Her adult relationship experience, best I can tell, is pretty limited: a scorching, combative love and now a low-octane, vanilla form of love. What she wants might be someone who offers components of both, which is not a moonshot, though it might mean there's a better match out there than this one.

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by Spawn
    Just something to read : [Register to see the link]
    Terrific article . Sadly, this has been a problem from the beginning. Time to call it quits.

    OP, you got the same answers about a year ago, why did you continue?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 01-10-2020 at 11:11 AM.

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Terrific article . Sadly, this has been a problem from the beginning. Time to call it quits.

    OP, you got the same answers about a year ago, why did you continue?
    Thanks to everyone for the great replies. Hollyj, you are right. It's the same issue that I noticed 8 weeks in and it's pretty unreasonable to expect someone to change. I stayed because I saw brief improvements here and there that were unfortunately temporary. I guess a part of me is just trying to push aside the needs I have when it comes to sex and passion because I felt I shouldn't be valuing that highly as I am.
    I am sexually open and adventurous woman and I probably can't change the fact that this great guy is more vanilla than myself. I guess I have to figure out if it's truly a deal breaker. My unhappiness and unease would tell me it might be -

    I had a lot of trouble leaving my last relationship too. The "people pleaser" in me hates the thought of making someone else uncomfortable and sad. He really is a great person. Just maybe not my best match.

    Thank you all for the insight. I have learned so much about myself from this forum.

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by Natasha207
    Thanks to everyone for the great replies. Hollyj, you are right. It's the same issue that I noticed 8 weeks in and it's pretty unreasonable to expect someone to change. I stayed because I saw brief improvements here and there that were unfortunately temporary. I guess a part of me is just trying to push aside the needs I have when it comes to sex and passion because I felt I shouldn't be valuing that highly as I am.
    I am sexually open and adventurous woman and I probably can't change the fact that this great guy is more vanilla than myself. I guess I have to figure out if it's truly a deal breaker. My unhappiness and unease would tell me it might be -

    I had a lot of trouble leaving my last relationship too. The "people pleaser" in me hates the thought of making someone else uncomfortable and sad. He really is a great person. Just maybe not my best match.

    Thank you all for the insight. I have learned so much about myself from this forum.
    Natasha, have you considered therapy to work through the abuse.?

    Thus guy is a bandaid, you need to work through your issues alone. This is empowering. When you are in a better place, you will not settle, and will find the whole package.

    Time to address your past.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Natasha, have you considered therapy to work through the abuse.?

    Thus guy is a bandaid, you need to work through your issues alone. This empowering. When you are in a better place, you will not settle, and will find the whole package.

    Time to address your past.
    I spent a solid year and a half alone after the breakup and worked really hard with educating myself and took advantage of some online counselling as well. I thought I had worked through a lot of the abuse and honestly felt very ready to date. But this relationship didn't excite my soul and catch fire the way I expected or wanted. I definitely have some issues with suppressing my own feelings and needs for the sake of others. Working on self love constantly, and still read and listen to a lot of podcasts related to "narcissistic abuse".

    I really want to heal fully but there's something about the way my ex replaced me and just married into bliss... just really hit me harder than I thought.

  7. #36
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    I think you should speak to someone to work through the issues with the ex. I also suggest you end it with this guy. Pronto.

  8. #37
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    "But lately I've been having a hard time with my boyfriend calling me names and talking down to me. He has become very easy to flip on me when I do something wrong, almost to the point where I'm afraid to screw anything up in fear of being called a 'dumba**' or 'stupid' (curse words are usually included in the name-calling).
    I know he has a quick temper, and I fear that the longer we are dating, the more comfortable he is around me, and therefore the more likely he is to lash out at me. He also has a very hard time saying sorry when he does call me names and upset me. He gets very angry when I become upset (usually I cry, but noone likes to be called names, right?) and he has a very hard time dealing with me crying and it makes him even more angry. I hate it when he talks to me like that, and he's on other ocassions called me 'lazy' and 'stupid' -- both things which I know I am not. He's even come to the point of saying these things in front of our friends and even in front of his mother (who called him out for it)."


    This was really bad, and you need to understand why you would miss any of it.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Much as I am an advocate for reflection, therapy, intentional healing, and so forth, I don't think this is that complicated, or needs to be viewed through the prism of you still being severely wounded from your past and having "more work" to do. That may, in fact, give your past more power than it deserves at this point. As you said, you spent some solid time alone, working through stuff, processing, growing. Terrific. That's ongoing, until you stop breathing. Is every single thorn removed? No, and that might be the case a decade from now. That's okay. Life, as they say.

    Relationships are experiments, in a way, and experience allows us to conduct those experiments with more precision. Sometimes we need a few to really clarify what we want, need, staying in something past its expiration date for that information to really surface. Been there! Bottom line is: when we're committed to someone who does not meet some of our most fundamental needs, it's inherently unnerving, destabilizing, regardless of where we've been before. No different, really, from living in a city when you really want to be in the country. It's not something in you that is "broken" that cringes at the traffic, or a "failure" to be unable to adapt to the frenetic pace; it's that you just need a different environment to feel at genuinely at peace and move around in your own skin.

    This, best I can see, is the story here: an almost-match that has affirmed for you some of your own core needs—needs that you've suppressed in order to make this "work." Always tough to come to terms with these moments, but sometimes it's far healthier—and a sign that the self-work is working—to just call it that than to turn it into a verdict on your entire psychological equilibrium. In my opinion "toxic" is not merely high-low relationships where vases are thrown into walls as a prelude to hot sex, but any relationship that requires suppressing a core value to function, even if the day to day isn't all fire and brimstone.

    What you want—a bit more fire, without the brimstone—is hardly asking for the moon. And if you had that? Odds are that the jab of your ex getting married wouldn't land quite as hard, because you'd be genuinely confident that you'd moved on, and forward, into something more enriching and sustainable and true, rather than something where "healthy" is defined primarily as safe, and where attachment is predicated on something inherently unhealthy: the suppression of personal truths. You'd be able to feel that jab and the joy of your relationship, in tandem, rather than the jab doubling as a surgical light exposing the missing pillar in the foundation here, if that makes sense. (And in case I sound like I'm making the case for "using" new relationships to negate the hurt of old ones, the same paradigm would apply to being happily single.)

    Another poster suggested making a list of your non-negotiables. I second this. Start with "great sex," and then add in the less spicy ingredients you require. Did it myself three years ago, in the wake of a relationship ending. Wasn't long, but writing it out helped as a guide. I was 37, so had to live a good bit of life, stumbling about in various laboratories, to even be able to write that out. But it allowed me to let go of matches that weren't working, and keep searching for one that did, without making the misfires into more than just that: an experiment that ran its course, not evidence that I remained a mess from past lashings.

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Much as I am an advocate for reflection, therapy, intentional healing, and so forth, I don't think this is that complicated, or needs to be viewed through the prism of you still being severely wounded from your past and having "more work" to do. That may, in fact, give your past more power than it deserves at this point. As you said, you spent some solid time alone, working through stuff, processing, growing. Terrific. That's ongoing, until you stop breathing. Is every single thorn removed? No, and that might be the case a decade from now. That's okay. Life, as they say.

    Relationships are experiments, in a way, and experience allows us to conduct those experiments with more precision. Sometimes we need a few to really clarify what we want, need, staying in something past its expiration date for that information to really surface. Been there! Bottom line is: when we're committed to someone who does not meet some of our most fundamental needs, it's inherently unnerving, destabilizing, regardless of where we've been before. No different, really, from living in a city when you really want to be in the country. It's not something in you that is "broken" that cringes at the traffic, or a "failure" to be unable to adapt to the frenetic pace; it's that you just need a different environment to feel at genuinely at peace and move around in your own skin.

    This, best I can see, is the story here: an almost-match that has affirmed for you some of your own core needs—needs that you've suppressed in order to make this "work." Always tough to come to terms with these moments, but sometimes it's far healthier—and a sign that the self-work is working—to just call it that than to turn it into a verdict on your entire psychological equilibrium. In my opinion "toxic" is not merely high-low relationships where vases are thrown into walls as a prelude to hot sex, but any relationship that requires suppressing a core value to function, even if the day to day isn't all fire and brimstone.

    What you want—a bit more fire, without the brimstone—is hardly asking for the moon. And if you had that? Odds are that the jab of your ex getting married wouldn't land quite as hard, because you'd be genuinely confident that you'd moved on, and forward, into something more enriching and sustainable and true, rather than something where "healthy" is defined primarily as safe, and where attachment is predicated on something inherently unhealthy: the suppression of personal truths. You'd be able to feel that jab and the joy of your relationship, in tandem, rather than the jab doubling as a surgical light exposing the missing pillar in the foundation here, if that makes sense. (And in case I sound like I'm making the case for "using" new relationships to negate the hurt of old ones, the same paradigm would apply to being happily single.)

    Another poster suggested making a list of your non-negotiables. I second this. Start with "great sex," and then add in the less spicy ingredients you require. Did it myself three years ago, in the wake of a relationship ending. Wasn't long, but writing it out helped as a guide. I was 37, so had to live a good bit of life, stumbling about in various laboratories, to even be able to write that out. But it allowed me to let go of matches that weren't working, and keep searching for one that did, without making the misfires into more than just that: an experiment that ran its course, not evidence that I remained a mess from past lashings.
    This made complete sense to me. Thank you. I agree that I am ready to let the past be just that and move forward- but I need to be clear about what I need and want to feel fufilled.

  11. #40
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Natasha207
    I need to be clear about what I need and want to feel fufilled.
    Get a pen and paper, and start jotting. You can cross some things out, underline others. Try to keep it brief and specific, but highlight places where there is zero room for compromise. Best thing is that there are no wrong answers, just the answers that are right for you. Suspect you'll find it a worthwhile exercise, and one that gives you perspective.

    I get that your last relationship left a big mark, still healing. But subtract that whole chapter from your life story and, odds are, you'd be feeling much the way you do right now. You're simply undernourished, romantically. Guess that's what I'm trying to get at here. The issue isn't some faulty wiring in your mainframe, but that too many of your natural lights aren't being lit up.

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