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Thread: How Important is "Passion" to you?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Have you read the book Five Love Languages?
    I havent read that book in particular, but I have done reading on love languages in general. I ty to be grateful and understand that he does show his love for me in other ways. He cooks beautiful meals, shovels the driveway... acts of service I guess they would call it.

    But these acts of service are not carried into the bedroom.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Betterwithout
    Sorry to hear that you are going through this.

    Feel free to browse my posts about this same issue.
    I married almost 6 years ago waiting for the passion to develop, and have learned the hard way that it doesn't. I am with a person who doesn't and never did like to kiss passionately or "make out".
    I love her and we get along in many ways, but I have a constant yearning for more passion. It's very mechanical and honestly, I wouldn't have married her if I knew that she truly isn't into to kissing
    and even holding hands.

    Some people are just not wired that way.
    If you can leave relatively unscathed, I would do so. Because IMO that passion will never come if it's not there now.
    Life is too short to be kissed like a distant relative.
    Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry about your situation as well. It can be very disheartening when all you want to do is express the love and attraction you have for someone and they seize up. The current boyfriend has stated outright that he doesnt think tongues belong in kissing. Nothing more than a peck. I'm finding it very hard to emotionally connect and attach on a deeper romantic level.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Natasha207
    My question is would you stay in a relationship if this spark, lust, chemistry (whatever you want to call it) isn't there? I realize that this eventually fades for most long term relationships, but we never had it from the beginning - will this become a bigger issue as time goes on?
    Simple answer to question #1, speaking only for myself: no.

    To me romantic compatibility is about three things: emotional, physical, and intellectual/spiritual connection. I might be in the minority, but I don't really believe these are things that can be "worked on." They either align, or they don't, and the first few months with someone—6-9, let's say—are about testing that alignment. The more aligned we are on our own, of course, helps with conducting that experiment with grace and honesty.

    It's kind of like a rocket-ship before liftoff: one thruster turns on, then another, then another. If one is sputtering, you nix the flight, or at least delay it. If all are coming up optimal on the dash? You press the button, let the scaffolding fall away, and head off to space. There are still plenty of risks and uncertainty, of course, but you've covered the main bases for interstellar voyage. You know the ship is sound, capable; now it's just about how you two operate it in tandem as you head off into the unknown.

    That's just me, of course. I've certainly gotten into relationships with a sputtering thruster—"settling," as its known—but never the one you're describing. I have friends I can adventure with and make memories with, watch TV with, laugh with. Can do a lot of that alone, so I've always required that the physical compatibility is on point from the start when it comes to romance. To me, it's kind of the chief difference between romantic relationships and others. I've had some very healthy loving relationships, and some toxic ones, but never ones where I'm yearning for "passion." My personal wiggle room for compromise on that has always been a flat zero.

    As for your other question about this becoming a bigger issue over time: yes. Sounds like you're already there. That things you overlooked at month one and four are more grating at month 12. Simple math says that, come month 16 or 32, they'll grate harder, unless you can rewire your you-ness a bit to not need something you feel, right now, you need. Not sure that's possible, to be honest, though people try every day.

    I can't help but get the impression that maybe you swung the pendulum a bit too far with this guy? Before him you had a "passionate" relationship with someone who was toxic, or "dangerous," and so perhaps in this man you opted for "safety," with the price of admission being a touch of self-deception, tricking yourself into not requiring something that you do, in fact, require for sustainable romantic harmony. Twelve months in the pendulum is drifting back to center—meaning you're inhabiting yourself, truly—and you're realizing the disconnect that, according to you, has always been there.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You mention your ex quite a bit. It sounds like you're not ready to date this guy...or anyone else at the moment. Sadly you compare "an abusive" ex favorably to this new boring snow shoveling, cooking guy. Reflect on why you are pining for an 'abusive ex' and praising him this much. Very sad.
    Originally Posted by Natasha207
    My ex was hot and cold.... but I cannot deny our chemistry in bed was incredible and I could feel my stomach flip when he looked at me a certain way. This new guy is very muted.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You mention your ex quite a bit. It sounds like you're not ready to date this guy...or anyone else at the moment. Sadly you compare "an abusive" ex favorably to this new boring snow shoveling, cooking guy. Reflect on why you are pining for an 'abusive ex' and praising him this much. Very sad.
    Doing everything I can to move on. We were engaged and it my first love- I've been working very hard for over 2 years to keep moving forward. But I cant deny it is difficult- especially when my feelings for a new great guy just dont compare with what I felt in such an unhealthy situation.


    And I do reflect on why I "pine" for the last guy. It is because of the attention, affection and passion he showed me when things were good. I'm not saying the relationship was ideal or that I want HIM back, but there are definitely aspects of that relationship that I would like to share with someone new.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Natasha207
    but there are definitely aspects of that relationship that I would like to share with someone new.
    Dig a little deeper and try recall those moments of intensity. I can honestly say mine were due to angst, making up after fights and the fear of losing and abandonment. I'd feel really low over the conflicts and passionately high over the reconciliations. That combined with everything always feeling at risk and fragile. You tend to hold on a little tighter.

    I miss those highs but I also realize it was because there wasn't anything healthy creating them

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Dig a little deeper and try recall those moments of intensity. I can honestly say mine were due to angst, making up after fights and the fear of losing and abandonment. I'd feel really low over the conflicts and passionately high over the reconciliations. That combined with everything always feeling at risk and fragile. You tend to hold on a little tighter.

    I miss those highs but I also realize it was because nothing healthy was creating them
    The sex and lust was intense from the very beginning before any fighting ever started. The sex kept me longer than it should.

    I simply miss feeling attractive and desired by someone. I miss them actually wanting to kiss me and touch me.

  9. #18
    Gold Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Natasha207
    I simply miss feeling attractive and desired by someone. I miss them actually wanting to kiss me and touch me.
    To echo some of the responses about OP's past boyfriend....
    There is often patterned behaviour of dating the same type of person over and over again.
    Or after learning from mistakes dating someone very different than the last person to end the cycle.

    Breaking the cycle from an abusive person is tough and very commendable, so OP ...good on you for finding it.

    However, we all have our mental and written lists of:

    deal breakers (ie: want/do not want children)
    must haves, (good with finances)
    nice to haves (healthy life)

    Everyone's list is different and they can change a little with maturity.

    This might be a good exercise OP. Just forget about your past experiences and really think through as you make your list.

    Feeling attractive and desired by someone is pretty big, and if you took the time to come for advice on a forum, I would think it's a pretty big deal for you.

    We get one life.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    The more you write it just seems like you ran in the complete opposite direction, as if "great sex" became something you equated with "bad relationship." So now you're trying write a dictionary where "good relationship" gets defined, in part, by "bad sex" or "not feeling desired." Maybe four years ago you were outlining relationship turmoil and then saying "But the sex is so good," while today you outline it and then add, "But he shovels the driveway and cooks for me."

    Zoom out a bit and that's the same coin, just a different side. Might be worth thinking about.

    Sex is a funny thing: so primally simplistic, so socially and psychologically fraught. Before we've done it, it represents some pinnacle of adulthood and maturity; then, once adults, it gets deemed almost "childish" or "immature" to value hot sex as much as, say, a shoveled driveway, balanced checkbook, or a good balsamic reduction. Breaking up with someone (or not getting into a relationship with someone) because they can't manage their finances or challenge your ideas about literature is seen as sensible, responsible; but doing the same because they don't get you off or open their mouth when you kiss can seem almost trite, high school stuff we're supposed to grow out of as grownups.

    Not sure it quite works that way.

    Maybe this all works out for you, and you're just shuffling through some complicated feelings, dregs of the past. I'm an optimist, and a romantic, so I hope so. But I'm probably a realist above all, and I get the sense that maybe this relationship, like your last one, has been essential in sharpening your compass, helping you see the full spectrum of what you're worth and what you need, while sadly not having the fuel required for the kind of journey you fundamentally desire.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I believe the passionate relationship aspect is subjective and you have to decide for yourself.

    if what you have never changed or was less, How would you feel?

    for me, it's a deal breaker.... I get that it ebbs and flows over the course of a LTR and I would not leave someone over a drought for some reason....

    but I definitely want sparks, deep kissing, affection, romance. without it, that's friendship.

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