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Should I break up with my him because his parents are toxic, screwed up people ?


cinnamon21

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Hi everyone,

 

I (25F) have been dating a really kind and loving guy (28M) for 3 years. He's a real-estate agent and when I first met him, I instantly love his vibe, how he talks to people and the way he treats others. He has never failed me these 3 years, he's consistent and responsible in his affection and would do anything to make me happy. Even though he doesn't come from a rich family, I love him and my family and all people around me and even strangers praised him for his friendly attitude, patience, and hardworking nature. I believe in his potential and the man he'll become.

 

But the thing that bugs me is his parents and family.

 

1. His Dad

Lazy, unemployed, likes to lend money to others, causing misery and leaving my boyfriend to pay for his debt.

 

2. His Mom

 

Stubborn, a hoarder, bad health (yet isn't willing to listen to others for health advice), who would cancel doctor's appointments even though my boyfriend forced to bring her to hospital, would beg people (even my auntie's family) for money and airs her dirty laundry to my relatives. She would rely on my boyfriend to run her errands as she's unwilling to learn to use internet and be independent in this modern world.

 

3. His brother is okay, it's just he has clinical depression and I can't blame him for it.

 

4. His sister just doesn't care and can't wait to get out of their family.

 

Their family has no:

1. Life insurance

2. Savings

3. Assets/inheritance

 

They're:

1. Renting a house, all bills paid by my boyfriend.

2. Barely working and earning any income

 

Recently, my boyfriend made his first mistake, a mistake so huge it reveals deeper issues within his family.

 

My parents referred my boyfriend an important client (my auntie), hoping that it will open more doors for him in the future. Long story short, my boyfriend made a mistake of involving his mother (who's also an agent) in this deal and committed some kind of fraud (his mother's idea). This event scarred me so greatly and made my whole family distrustful of his true nature and why he let this happen in the first place. Yet the mom called my auntie, blaming and cursing her, and hang up the phone. A few days later, she still asked my auntie for recommendation in the future (what a shameless human being).

 

Later I found out that my boyfriend did it because his dad is in another debt and that his mom wanted to start some herb business. It's a tough situation and he's helpless as he has to help his parents. I also found out that his mother only has $10 in her bank account and my boyfriend has to pay $10.000 for her business and another $10.000 for his dad's debt.

 

I felt upset since from this event, my boyfriend clearly didn't know how to set boundaries between him and his toxic family. His career is not doing well and he's not someone who earns lots of money yet he still has to pay for his parents' sins before he's able to rise up.

 

I have a lot of dreams and goals for the future. I expect him to earn a higher income yet I know that he won't be able to succeed with these parents beside him. I know it's not right but I wish his parents would stop sticking to him like parasites. I wish...I wish he would just disown them. My love towards my boyfriend can't mask the stress I felt if I were to continue this relationship. He will have to pay for his dad's debt and his mother's operation bills in the future (as she's unwilling to keep a healthy lifestyle and is unwilling to visit doctor). It's affecting my mental health and hope for a brighter future.

 

Should I break up with this wonderful guy who just happened to be born into this horrible family? Is it time to let it go and be kinder to myself?

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They're:

1. Renting a house, all bills paid by my boyfriend.

Your boyfriend is an enabler and codependent on his parents. He allowed a fraud to take place, which if ever found out by his real estate governing body will cause him to lose his licence.

 

IMO... you need to get yourself away from him (as he truly has no morals or integrity if he would do such a thing) and go through the grief due to the failure of the relationship so that you can heal and find a good man that isn't so engrossed in his parents BS that he would allow himself to be taken down such a poor ethical decision.

 

He's not the "wonderful guy" you think he is... clearly his reprobate parents hold court over him.

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Unfortunately it sounds like you are incompatible. Sadly your assessment of his family sounds like you're their social worker or accountant. In the long run it sounds as though you will have a great deal of conflicts.

 

This is the most concerning part:

I believe in his potential and the man he'll become.

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I dated someone once who's family was very similar to your boyfriend's family. I ended up leaving that situation because the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. People are who they are and they don't change for anyone except for maybe themselves, but even then they usually don't.

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Your bf is an enabler and his parents have him under their thumbs. They arent about to stop what they are doing because - why should they? It's working for them. He pays the bills, deals with their debts, and they just continue doing what they want to do. Unless and until your bf wakes up and stops giving them money and help, this will continue.

 

You need to get out of this relationship now. He wont change, because he doesnt have the balls to do anything about it.

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Sorry about this situation.

 

No doubt your boyfriend is a great guy, ultra-supportive to his family (a nice trait) and would likely make a great husband.

 

BUT, the glaringly large red flag is the toxic family and his entanglements.

You already are getting involved with this toxicity and it can only get worse as your relationship gets deeper.

 

The big question you need to ask yourself is can you live with this kind of family in the background? Some can, for others it can bring tremendous stress on a marriage, especially since they can barely make ends meet as grown adults.

 

It may sound shallow (and you may feel the same way) but this might be the time to duck out of the relationship.

You mention that you have dreams and goals for the future. His family will very likely crush those dreams, and you will live with regret.

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If his family was like this, but your boyfriend was not, there are people who are black sheep, well adjusted, don't have clinical depression like a relative, etc.

 

The thing is, you talk about the fact that his family rents. So what. Doesn't matter. lots of people never buy a home. I met a couple who bought their first home at 60 years old. They had lived in NYC and could never afford to buy - moved somewhere else and were thrilled to own.

 

All of this is distracting from the main issue - your boyfriend defrauded your aunt or at least did not so above the board things. THAT is the issue, not that his brother is depressed or his parents rent and secondly, his lack of boundaries. They stick to him like parasites because he is a willing host. And they will devour you too, if you marry.

 

I think you have no choice but to end the relationship since this is NOT a man you can marry. I am not saying you do not love him, but you cannot marry a man who is willing to be shifty with your family or anyone else. Maybe one day after you break up, he will make changes - go to a different real estate brokerage than his mom, move far away, set boudaries, but i am afraid that you should find another man

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There is NO potential. What you see today is what you get.

 

What you are getting here is someone who comes from a toxic family and is very much toxic himself, even if in different ways. If he wasn't toxic himself, he'd have cut his parents off long ago and he wouldn't have involved his mother in what is likely the biggest professional deal of his life, he sure as heck wouldn't have committed fraud or allowed it. As others have already pointed out, he is very much enabling and is codependent. You aren't going to fix and change this. You are simply seeing his niceness and failing to understand that his brand of niceness is actually very toxic.

 

Think of it like two sides of the coin - one might be ugly, another look pretty and shiny...BUT...still the same rotten broken coin.

 

My advice is run and don't look back. Stay away from disordered people. This has nothing to do with poor/rich/lazy/hardworking - toxic comes in all forms and these people, ALL of them are toxic, your bf very much included.

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He would rather commit a crime than say "no" to his mother.

 

What would you do if baby needs néw shoes or needs to see a doctor but you can't because your husband gave all his money to his parents?

 

Exactly. Walk away now. My friend married a man who forged her name on documents to get money for his business and ended up serving jail time for embezzlement. Nothing related to his family but she was forewarned that he was a shady character (in a real twist, she had a baby with him with one of their frozen embryos - and remarried him, sigh). Please leave now before you're legally committed to him.

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The more I read your post, the worse it sounds! :eek: :upset:

 

Forget about this loser and all the baggage he brings.

 

Don't expect anything in this life. Don't have a relationship with him and don't even consider marriage otherwise be prepared to come back here on this forum asking for divorce advice.

 

Yes, break up with this guy right now! He's NOT so wonderful and yes, let him go and be kinder to yourself! That's a no-brainer. Run for the hills!

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His family doesn't sound good but I don't think you can actually blame them for your boyfriend's behaviours. He is 28 years old and a grown man. Whatever he chooses to do towards them is actually his own decision and he WANTS to act like that. It's nice to help out your family here and there, but he shouldn't be paying all their bills and rent and whatever and financially supporting them to that extent. That is not normal to be honest.

 

It seems to me like because you love your boyfriend, you have rose coloured glasses on. Rather than acknowledging HIS bad behaviour, you prefer to think that this is all happening only due to his family. In the real estate deal with your Aunt, be CHOSE to involve his mother and commit fraud. People can't just magically make him do all these things unless he wants to do them himself. So I think you need to really open your eyes and see that whatever your boyfriend is doing are his own choices and this is who he is. If he was really a wonderful person than he wouldn't commit fraud towards his GIRLFRIEND'S family. Committing fraud is bad enough but if he's willingly to do it even towards his own partner, that's even worse.

 

Things probably won't get better because your boyfriend has a very unhealthy attachment to his family and unless he makes the decision to stop acting like this, nothing will change.

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He is the best boyfriend I can ever have. Attentive, supportive, caring, patient, calm and is always there for me during hard and happy times. He's a great listener and is willing to go extra mile to do things for me. He's also my best friend. I can talk to him about anything. We rarely fight.

 

I'm sad that it has to be this way because of his family. I tried to ignore his family conflicts and convince myself that it has nothing to do me as long as he sets boundaries and we move to another country if we were to get married.

 

He always agrees with me that his family is messed up but this time, I'm very disappointed that he decided to make this 1 big mistake and gave away the opportunity and money that are meant for him to pay for his stupid dad's debt (recently 25K debt for stupid reasons, he became a guarantor to ex-prisoners, who in the end ran away and couldn't pay him back). I'm so angry that my boyfriend has to be the one responsible for his mistakes while the Dad has been an unemployed bum since he's 50 years old and just spent his time watching TV at home.

 

My boyfriend has apologised many times to my family, told me to give him one more year to pay for his parents bills, then he'll move together with me to another country. But after looking at his bank accounts, he only has around 20k left as his parents bled him dry with their rents, expenses and debts...and maybe even medical fees in the future as his mom seriously only has $10 left in her bank account *facepalm*. I'm just speechless.

 

He told me he'll overcome the odds, he told me to believe in him. He told me that he may not come from a great family but he will be the first generation to change everything. But I just don't see things changing unless something radical happens, like he cuts his useless parents forever (which is very rare in Asian culture) and suddenly hit the jackpot, become successful or something.

 

I don't want to seem materialistic but I come from a decent family and my parents are financially responsible people as they've planned out their retirement, savings, assets, etc. They love my boyfriend for his personality and his love for me, but they're always wary of his background because they don't want me to suffer in the future. They've seen many examples of such situations.

 

I've always convinced myself that my boyfriend is the white sheep of the family, that he will rise up to defy the odds, like he promised. But now...I will have to leave my boyfriend and best friend who's always been there for me.

 

For now, I'm just...going to focus on myself and slowly distance myself away from my boyfriend. He said he still loves me and will be there to help me with anything if I need him. He still cares about my well-being.

 

I still care about him deeply too and have been grieving. I guess it's really not meant to be from the start.

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I agree with so much of what the others have said.... his family situation would be hard to deal with, but hurting my family? no way.

 

I understand that you think he is the best, most caring guy, everyone thinks so right?

 

But he is a criminal.

 

He is potentially a manipulative psycho. Some of the best con men are just that, so great and loveable... it's part of their con.

 

Run from this guy. he is a fake and a fraud. I'd be afraid, that in the future my life would be ruined bc who knows what he is doing or up to... you sign something blindly, bc you trust him but you're on the hook... debt or even prison. fraud is no joke.

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Your boyfriend is an enabler and codependent on his parents. He allowed a fraud to take place, which if ever found out by his real estate governing body will cause him to lose his licence.

 

IMO... you need to get yourself away from him (as he truly has no morals or integrity if he would do such a thing) and go through the grief due to the failure of the relationship so that you can heal and find a good man that isn't so engrossed in his parents BS that he would allow himself to be taken down such a poor ethical decision.

 

He's not the "wonderful guy" you think he is... clearly his reprobate parents hold court over him.

 

100% agree.

 

He's just as bad as they are. Fraud is a criminal offence. He's lucky he's not in jail.

 

You need to leave.

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He is the best boyfriend I can ever have. Attentive, supportive, caring, patient, calm and is always there for me during hard and happy times. He's a great listener and is willing to go extra mile to do things for me. He's also my best friend. I can talk to him about anything. We rarely fight.

 

I'm sad that it has to be this way because of his family. I tried to ignore his family conflicts and convince myself that it has nothing to do me as long as he sets boundaries and we move to another country if we were to get married.

 

He always agrees with me that his family is messed up but this time, I'm very disappointed that he decided to make this 1 big mistake and gave away the opportunity and money that are meant for him to pay for his stupid dad's debt (recently 25K debt for stupid reasons, he became a guarantor to ex-prisoners, who in the end ran away and couldn't pay him back). I'm so angry that my boyfriend has to be the one responsible for his mistakes while the Dad has been an unemployed bum since he's 50 years old and just spent his time watching TV at home.

 

You need to realize its NOT his family, its your boyfriend. He at any time can stop giving them money and he did not do so before he met you, nor cut the ties and he has learned to be shady because of what he did to your aunt. He is not legally responsible for anything his dad does. you have to STOP blaming his family and look at your boyfriend.

 

Okay -- his family bleeds him dry because he ALLOWS it. His bank account is a joint bank account with his parents, otherwise they wouldn't be able to take money out of it or he is lying and they can't touch it but he freely gives it.

 

I and my ex moved 2000 miles away from his family and he STILL gave them money, gave away my things to them that they liked, or otherwise enabled them or became involved in their problems. If you move, mom can still commit emotional blackmail over the phone and by mail and he will find someone else to let interfere. Moving to another country will not solve much. Because now, married, your bank account will be joint and he will still pay for his parents. And then your money willl be gone.

 

There are tons of guys that care and who are good listeners.

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Can your parents arrange a marriage for you that is more consistent with this? Is this bf from a different culture, caste, etc? Are you just slumming it as a form of rebellion?

I don't want to seem materialistic but I come from a decent family and my parents are financially responsible people

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