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Thread: Husbandís New Friendship

  1. #61
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I do me, you do you. Good for you! To each his or her own, Batya33.
    Yes, definitely - it's interesting what different people view as honorable, etc.

  2. #62
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Yes, definitely - it's interesting what different people view as honorable, etc.
    "Honorable" within the constraints of one's own INDIVIDUAL relationship or marriage. I can't speak for anyone. As for myself, husband and in-laws we do not feel the NEED nor crave any extra friendships. We don't seek, yearn, long nor search for any friends of the opposite gender. We are extremely secure to the hilt and our current friends are within our comfort zone. For us and our social circle, it is the norm as it is for my BFF whom I've known ever since 4th grade, several local female friends and the like. Same with my husband's friends. Occasionally, we'll go out for dinner as a foursome and same with my in-laws. It works.

    As reiterated, I'm perfectly fine with whatever other couples married or not do as long as it does not involve me nor my loved ones. It's a free country.

  3. #63
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    "Honorable" within the constraints of one's own INDIVIDUAL relationship or marriage. I can't speak for anyone. As for myself, husband and in-laws we do not feel the NEED nor crave any extra friendships. We don't seek, yearn, long nor search for any friends of the opposite gender. We are extremely secure to the hilt and our current friends are within our comfort zone. For us and our social circle, it is the norm as it is for my BFF whom I've known ever since 4th grade, several local female friends and the like. Same with my husband's friends. Occasionally, we'll go out for dinner as a foursome and same with my in-laws. It works.

    As reiterated, I'm perfectly fine with whatever other couples married or not do as long as it does not involve me nor my loved ones. It's a free country.
    Yes and a number of your comments implied at least you meant it generally - like the "high" bar your inlaws have who apparently do not have close friends of the opposite gender. That sounded general not individual although it looks like you did not mean it too from what you write here.

    I think it's fine if a person doesn't want close friends of the opposite gender. Then it's not honorable or "raising the bar" because it's easy to do what you don't want anyway. It's like someone who says they are disciplined at dieting on a low sugar regiment because they don't want anything with processed sugar. That doesn't show any kind of discipline or doing the right thing -the person is doing exactly what they wish. You don't want friends of the opposite gender so it doesn't require any restraint or "doing the right thing" on your part and apparently your husband doesn't either so it's easy peasy.

    I was talking about a separate issue - the OP's issue - her issue is her partner does want to be friendly with someone who is a woman. That person is disrespecting their relationship and he is not having proper boundaries with her. But if he does in general want close friends of the opposite gender and if she does then they will work out what they are comfortable doing. And if one of them chooses to make a sacrifice and give up a friend who is the opposite gender then yes that person would be showing his partner he is willing to do the right thing for the relationship. We all make some compromises and sacrifices for our partners and families. In the OP's case I think he should cut off contact with this woman who apparently would like to be close friends and also wants to flirt and be able to send him inappropriate texts and pictures. She is not a good candidate for a close friend of his since he is in a committed relationship and their interactions are inconsistent with being in a committed relationship.

  4. #64
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Yes and a number of your comments implied at least you meant it generally - like the "high" bar your inlaws have who apparently do not have close friends of the opposite gender. That sounded general not individual although it looks like you did not mean it too from what you write here.

    I think it's fine if a person doesn't want close friends of the opposite gender. Then it's not honorable or "raising the bar" because it's easy to do what you don't want anyway. It's like someone who says they are disciplined at dieting on a low sugar regiment because they don't want anything with processed sugar. That doesn't show any kind of discipline or doing the right thing -the person is doing exactly what they wish. You don't want friends of the opposite gender so it doesn't require any restraint or "doing the right thing" on your part and apparently your husband doesn't either so it's easy peasy.

    I was talking about a separate issue - the OP's issue - her issue is her partner does want to be friendly with someone who is a woman. That person is disrespecting their relationship and he is not having proper boundaries with her. But if he does in general want close friends of the opposite gender and if she does then they will work out what they are comfortable doing. And if one of them chooses to make a sacrifice and give up a friend who is the opposite gender then yes that person would be showing his partner he is willing to do the right thing for the relationship. We all make some compromises and sacrifices for our partners and families. In the OP's case I think he should cut off contact with this woman who apparently would like to be close friends and also wants to flirt and be able to send him inappropriate texts and pictures. She is not a good candidate for a close friend of his since he is in a committed relationship and their interactions are inconsistent with being in a committed relationship.
    I would say that most definitely, my in-laws set the honorable bar very high because unfortunately, on both sides of the family tree, there is rampant divorce which is the statistic and so commonplace. It's really inescapable and no different than society. Let's see . . . Regarding separation and / or divorce, there are my maternal grandparents, my parents, sister, aunts, uncles and cousins and their spouses. On my husband's side, there are sisters and brothers-in-law, cousins, aunts, uncles and their spouses. Then there are countless friends and acquaintances ~ all divorced. My in-laws and us (husband and me) broke the mold and defied all odds which is rare these days. We must be doing something right.

    Honestly, between everyone holding down full-time employment, sustaining households and families, we really don't have time nor energy for any extra friendships. Our schedules are limited and quite packed. Therefore, we're fortunate to retain the friends we have. These friends go way back, too. Our children grew up together.

    We generally socialize with those whom we have a lot in common with whether it's religion, mutual values, similar socioeconomic background, demographics and beliefs. This is our comfort zone. Birds of a feather flock together.

    I'm fine regarding what other couples do, their friendships with the opposite gender and the like. I really don't care though. What they do is what they do and I do what I do. It's plain and simple.

    Regarding the OP, she needs to discuss her issues with her husband. I hope it works out for them. I really do.

    I remember when my husband was enrolled in grad school when our sons were young and during his group projects, the group conferred with each other regarding course work and that's that.

    I will tell you though, there was this one woman who contacted my husband many years post-grad school and she kept addressing my husband as "Brother- _____" (insert first name in blank) which was really weird. She was a very chummy "Chatty Kathy," always sent him daily messages and he was polite. I saw their dialogue with my own eyes and even though it was innocuous enough, what am I? Chopped liver? After many years of toil, blood, sweat and tears invested into my marriage, I deserve RESPECT. I am the mother of his children. My husband took it upon himself and wrote this to her: "With all due respect to my wife and marriage, I'm ceasing daily, regular correspondence with you." Apparently, she didn't like it and abruptly unfriended him. Ha! Good riddance! We didn't argue over this and we're peaceful.

    To be clear with you, Batya33. If my husband and I had a MUTUAL agreement regarding friendships with the opposite gender, frequent electronic correspondence (texts, messages, emails, phone conversations), met them regularly for lunch, dinner, outings and the like, I would definitely be on board. However, since none of us engage in friendships with the opposite gender, fair is fair and we are equal.

    This opposite gender thing is very individual and based upon each couple. If other couples enjoy being with the opposite gender, by all means, go for it! We are doing quite well, thank you very much as long as opposite gender friendships do NOT involve me nor my husband.

    Anyway, my husband starts getting ready for work at 4AM Monday through Friday, endures his long commute, reports to work by approximately 6:15AM and he's exhausted. I too have my full time employment and family priorities which leaves little time for anyone else. Life takes over.

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  6. #65
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    Yes. I understand people have different priorities - and you didn't dump close friends just because they were of the opposite gender. The woman who contacted your husband is not an example of a friendship. It's a person who is contacting another person in a one sided way and is acting in a way that is disrespectful of that person's marriage and clueless about soclal cues. Nothing to do with being developing or maintaining a friendship.
    I will always make time for close friends and probably always look to make more close friends (as well as regular friends -I believe in having a nice sized network of people especially if one or both spouses works -never know when you might need a new job/connections, etc). I've met too many women who dismissed their friends as people they hung out with when they 'partied" in their 20s but once they were married the friends were chopped liver. The whole smug married thing. I don't relate to not making time for close friends because of marriage and children or limiting friendships to other married people with children. I'm not judging it just for me it would be way too narrow a way to live and too much sameness. Same with limiting potential friendships to just one gender (although some do for religious reasons). You and your husband don't prioritize meeting new people or making new friends. Totally your call. It's not really about whether you have enough time -it's about priorities. That's what it sounds like to me.

    I agree that if there is tons of divorce in your families aspiring to be a happy and stable couple is aspiring to a higher road/path in comparison.

  7. #66
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Op, are you even reading anymore? O.o

  8. #67
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Yes. I understand people have different priorities - and you didn't dump close friends just because they were of the opposite gender. The woman who contacted your husband is not an example of a friendship. It's a person who is contacting another person in a one sided way and is acting in a way that is disrespectful of that person's marriage and clueless about soclal cues. Nothing to do with being developing or maintaining a friendship.
    I will always make time for close friends and probably always look to make more close friends (as well as regular friends -I believe in having a nice sized network of people especially if one or both spouses works -never know when you might need a new job/connections, etc). I've met too many women who dismissed their friends as people they hung out with when they 'partied" in their 20s but once they were married the friends were chopped liver. The whole smug married thing. I don't relate to not making time for close friends because of marriage and children or limiting friendships to other married people with children. I'm not judging it just for me it would be way too narrow a way to live and too much sameness. Same with limiting potential friendships to just one gender (although some do for religious reasons). You and your husband don't prioritize meeting new people or making new friends. Totally your call. It's not really about whether you have enough time -it's about priorities. That's what it sounds like to me.

    I agree that if there is tons of divorce in your families aspiring to be a happy and stable couple is aspiring to a higher road/path in comparison.
    There are only so many hours in a day. I wish I had the energy for a ton of friends. However, my husband and I are tired. After working two full time jobs, enduring long commutes, sustaining a house in suburbia, raising families, extra curricular activities and the whole lot, we've since ran out of steam. I admire those with lots of friends. After tending to the needs of the world, my husband and I prefer to do our own thing. We have friends and it's just right.

    As for the OP, I can somewhat relate as my story is similar. Put your foot down just like I did. There are parallels regarding my story and yours. I hope it works for you, OP.

  9. #68
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Op, are you even reading anymore? O.o
    I doubt it. Off the rails.

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