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Thread: Husbandís New Friendship

  1. #21
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    M could be crossing boundaries, but you need to trust him that he won't cross boundaries.
    Said many a people who have lost the emotional connection to their partner due to emotional affairs.

    You don't blind trust anyone, that is a just enabling the bS to continue past appropriate.

    Ask to meet her and for her to bring her boyfriend to your home for a meal. Get to know her and hopefully you two will get to a point where you can tell her that her contact with your husband is over-the-top or if you don't want to do that, you start texting her boyfriend ad nauseum and see what your husband thinks about that.

    You keep your enemies close. If your husband or she won't come over for a double date, then I'd say you have something to worry about.

  2. #22
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    I find sometimes younger people who've never been married don't get ya don't text another person's spouse in the middle of the night. My hubs had a work clinger who would text him on a Friday night dumb things, but you could tell they don't get stuff like that leads to shenanigans and there's karma. I would just text her back, and let her know it's you, and say hi, and ask about class, and be cordial. Then, you can see how she responds to him moving forward.

    She's his class wife, like someone having a work wife, but you should meet them. Even then though, the insecure ones will still keep texting. You just have to be like, "yo, hubs", you need to chill on the texting.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Personally, I have no issue with friends of the opposite sex. But it needs to be understood that in order for this person to be a true friend they need to ask themselves if they would feel comfortable bringing said friend around their husband/wife.

    Not that that needs to happen, but the question needs to be posed and if there is any reservation about all involved being social and friendly together. Hypothetically.

    I take issue that he didn't take the phone call in the car while you were there. Would he have done the same with any other friend, or just her?

    I am the same way with my boyfriend. I have plenty of male friends that I would not hesitate to bring around him. He's met most of them. ANd, I answer my phone every time they call.

    I do have a couple male friends that I have some history with that I know it wouldn't be appropriate. These men I have distanced myself from and created appropriate boundaries out of respect for my relationship. I expect the same in return.

    Ask your husband if he would be comfortable if the opportunity was there, that you two meet. Not that you need to, but just to gauge his response. If he's not comfortable, then she's not his friend and she's most likely your enemy.

    There was a comment about being afraid by speaking up that she'd push him into another woman's arms. Personally, if he's that easily pushed, merely by stating respectful boundaries, then I'd let him go. He doesn't get to play both sides, while you white knuckle this dilemma in fear of respectfully speaking up.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LostaLittle
    I want to quote almost your entire post! Itís all this and this is what I want to tell him. He says he feels embarrassed to say something to he about how I feel. That she is texting him too much. I want him to take that step and let her know becasue I have a right to feel like this. I have every right!

    And youíre right I donít want him to feel like he need to hide it from me to keep me from freaking out again but I still need to discuss this with him. I am giving him some time. I told him yesterday that I feel like she is too used to him talking her every day.

    He needs to ignore her for a day like friends do. Our first talk about it he didnít text her for the whole day and she called him to see if he got her texts. Come on now?? Thatís a relationship thing. If I text him line 8 times with no response when I know he isnít in class or on a train I call. Iím his wife. He hasnít done that since that day because she was talking about a contest through their school and now he thinks heíll miss something like that. Itís so confusing and such a weird situation.
    Ok. I would still talk to him and explain your points. calmly, while expressing his point, it is embarassing to have to say this to the little skank

    that's where you turn it into you and he strategizing together, how to deal with it. Does it mean he ignores her more regularly? And if it's for school stuff, is there another person that can be brought in? And what's the response if he ignores her and she questions? (meanwhile ! checking on a grown married man! pfft!) but... it could be simple...

    yeah I got your texts busy with my wife....

    then it becomes- busy with my wife and baby.

    Maybe if he mentions you more, she will get the hint... the other thing is, you could make it known you sometimes check his phone.

    I have friend and I called her phone one day, her hubs answered. And he was like o yeah we traded phones today....

    You could text her back... hey m, this your name, I have my husbands phone today but I'll pass the message along...

    that way she has no idea who she is texting and if it's inappropriate you could call it right out! like:
    M, why are you texting a picture of a bed to MY HUSBAND?

    Remember you are his wife. You set the boundary she respects. Not the other way around! you do not have to be welcoming or nice to her. Quite the opposite- professional, questioning, firm. aka scary to mess with.

    Do not meet her. Do not welcome her into your life!

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Personally, I have no issue with friends of the opposite sex. But it needs to be understood that in order for this person to be a true friend they need to ask themselves if they would feel comfortable bringing said friend around their husband/wife.

    Not that that needs to happen, but the question needs to be posed and if there is any reservation about all involved being social and friendly together. Hypothetically.

    I take issue that he didn't take the phone call in the car while you were there. Would he have done the same with any other friend, or just her?

    I am the same way with my boyfriend. I have plenty of male friends that I would not hesitate to bring around him. He's met most of them. ANd, I answer my phone every time they call.

    I do have a couple male friends that I have some history with that I know it wouldn't be appropriate. These men I have distanced myself from and created appropriate boundaries out of respect for my relationship. I expect the same in return.

    Ask your husband if he would be comfortable if the opportunity was there, that you two meet. Not that you need to, but just to gauge his response. If he's not comfortable, then she's not his friend and she's most likely your enemy.

    There was a comment about being afraid by speaking up that she'd push him into another woman's arms. Personally, if he's that easily pushed, merely by stating respectful boundaries, then I'd let him go. He doesn't get to play both sides, while you white knuckle this dilemma in fear of respectfully speaking up.
    Yes this. I agree. This would be way beyond my comfort zone and I find her constant texting inappropriate and irritating. Example. I met a man a few years ago I had a lot in common with. Our kids met at the same time at a kids activity. His wife wasn't there but his mother was. Met her too. We said we'd like to have our kids meet again and I said something about connecting with him on linkedin since it's a professional site. Couldn't find him there. So what I did - I facebooked his wife. Introduced myself via message, told her how our boys got along so well. We are now friends. We text each other regularly. I've seen her husband again on his own with our kids. Seen her too. I still kind of have more in common with him but I know that that could possibly make his wife uncomfortable. So why go there?? I see him plenty when we have our kids together. I would never want to be with him but that's not the point. He's not a longstanding male friend I've had for years (which I have those too and it's all good, my husband has longstanding female friends) and appearances matter. It takes thought sometimes to have the appropriate boundaries, takes some sacrifices (in my case yes it would be fun to chat with him sometimes on text but I never have other than "we'll be there in a half hour").

    If your partner doesn't know that's ok - if he loves you and your growing family he'll get it and he'll modify his behavior.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I dated someone years ago that had an ex that would call him constantly. If she suspected I was there, she'd call and hang up. All hours, anytime. Multiple times.

    The bf at the time insisted he didn't know who and he couldn't do anything about it. So we endured it for a couple months until I just blurted out after being woken up after midnight:

    `Don't think for a minute that I don't have ex's in my closet that wouldn't do the same thing. But the difference here is I respect you too much and value this relationship too much that I wouldn't allow it. I don't buy that you can't do anything about it, because I know for a fact that if I were receiving these same annoying calls, I could put a stop to it in a flat minute'

    He didn't respond. We just locked eyes for a few seconds and the subject was dropped.

    We never received another pestering phone call from that moment on.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I dated someone years ago that had an ex that would call him constantly. If she suspected I was there, she'd call and hang up. All hours, anytime. Multiple times.

    The bf at the time insisted he didn't know who and he couldn't do anything about it. So we endured it for a couple months until I just blurted out after being woken up after midnight:

    `Don't think for a minute that I don't have ex's in my closet that wouldn't do the same thing. But the difference here is I respect you too much and value this relationship too much that I wouldn't allow it. I don't buy that you can't do anything about it, because I know for a fact that if I were receiving these same annoying calls, I could put a stop to it in a flat minute'

    He didn't respond. We just locked eyes for a few seconds and the subject was dropped.

    We never received another pestering phone call from that moment on.
    Great example of taking back one's personal power. *Two Thumbs Up*

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent idea. He is a hop, skip and jump away from an affair and at some level you fear this. It's about him but demonizing the other woman is as old as the hills. A lot easier to hate her but of course you realize it's your husbands lack of integrity.
    Originally Posted by LostaLittle
    I see the therapist, Iíll ask about having us both go so it will make it more real for him

  10. #29
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I am all for therapy, but it seems she's skipped an vital step prior to resorting to some sort of mediation.
    You don't need a third party mediator if you haven't clearly spoken up to begin with.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Excellent idea. He is a hop, skip and jump away from an affair and at some level you fear this. It's about him but demonizing the other woman is as old as the hills. A lot easier to hate her but of course you realize it's your husbands lack of integrity.
    Normally I would agree with you IF (big if) this "friend" doesn't know that Op's husband is married. If she does know he is married then she's just as much lacking in integrity as he is... she too is also in a relationship so there's that as well. All in all... she's NOT all that and a bag of chips.

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