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This is a long one. My husband just started his

Masters degree in NY and we live in NJ. He made one friend in class who happens to be female. No problem there, his major is more female oriented and I’m not bothered by that. What I am bothered by is this new one friend, let’s call her, M, who texts him every single day. Every day. Sometimes starting at 7 or 8 AM. They haven’t had one day without communication. I have seen his phone and it’s all stupid . He says they talk about school and the subject they are studying. They do but there is also some personal stuff on her side. Sometimes he doesn’t answer or just writes emojis but he still texts her first sometimes. Supposedly she lives with her boyfriend but texts my husband when she wakes up like “Guess who is up without an alarm during no school.” Or a picture of her bed, not her, and saying “current situation” or random other random things like how she feels about the weather or if she is going out today. I think that is getting to the point of inappropriate. She texted him at 10 at night on Christmas Eve obviously when he was with his family and it wasn’t merry Christmas because she isn’t catholic. It was another stupid text, trying I believe to get his attention. They hung out once after meeting in the city and then while he was back home was texting him still. Just the other night they had an event. Ate something together after (my husband let’s me know when he meets her) and then she texts him the next morning. Like what the f*ck do you still have to talk to my husband about??? Yesterday she texted him in the morning and then called him while I was driving him to the train station. He didn’t answer and I asked him if he was going to call her back but He said no. I told him I thought she liked him. Like she was addicted to taking to him or communicating to him every day which is too much especially when he is home with his family. I have brought this up on numerous occasions and my husband just sees it as she is a friend who he talks to about every day things. Yes that’s his side but what about hers? I honestly think she is into him.

 

My question is my husband is tired of talking about it and I don’t want to keep bringing it up because it will strain us. Am I just being a hormonal pregnant woman and projecting onto this girl? I told my husband to put himself in my shoes and see if a dude was texting me all day every day no matter what the conversation was and wanting to meet up for lunch and how it would make him feel but he can’t see that because it never happens to me. I’m uncomfortable with it and it seems as if my husband is just letting it go and not considering my feelings because he genuinely has a friend even if I see her as a girl who is wanting just my husbands attention and not even her own boyfriend. I’m so lost right now and just need some outsiders opinions. I said this would be a long one so I hope some of you stick with me.

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Totally ok to have friends of the opposite sex. Does he have other female friends in his day to day life?

 

Now the bigger word I think we need to consider is "boundaries".

Is this girl M maintaining appropriate boundaries with him, and her own boyfriend? I'd say she isn't.

 

If your husband is tired of talking about it, he is letting you know that you should trust him. The more you press...the more he might keep stuff from you...and you DONT want that!

M could be crossing boundaries, but you need to trust him that he won't cross boundaries.

I would let it go and see if things fizzle out.

 

A compelling argument is if he starts being secretive with his phone and disappearing for hours at a time. If he's upfront with you with her texts, that is a good thing.

 

Keep your intuition keen...but lay off a little bit too.

 

Just my $0.02

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Your husband isn't stupid. He is well aware that this chic is into him, he knows good and well that this amount of contact is inappropriate, you've made your feelings clear about it as well, but the bottom line is that he doesn't care. It's stroking his ego and how far he may go with that, who knows. He is choosing (emphasis added) to be an azz to you, to his marriage, to his soon to be child.

 

So you do need to sit down and talk about boundaries, but more importantly, you need to be ready to impose serious consequences for breaching those boundaries going forward including kicking him out. He is taking you for granted to the point where he doesn't care how you feel and pretends to be "stupid" about it.

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You have every right to be upset about this situation, LostaLittle. I agree 100% with Betterwithout regarding the boundaries. IMHO, you should ask your husband to tell M, politely but firmly, to stop texting him with all this unnecessary and useless information. It blows my mind how some people have no boundaries and no moral compass. It's OK to have female friends but, at this point, M is just an acquaintance.

 

If she's carrying on this this, how on earth will she carry on as time progresses? I was in a similar situation many years ago and when the topic of this female with no boundaries came up, my then MIL said to my ex "If it's enough to bother your wife, then you must tell this girl now to stop." He did, and that was the end of it. You don't need this stress in your life and it, apparently, stresses you and your husband. He shouldn't feel bad telling her because she is so out of line.

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Make an appointment with a therapist for yourself. Get some objective professional advice about your husband's antics.After discussing some of the things that are becoming issues, ask your husband to join you

 

This is not this woman's fault...it's your husband's. Keep the focus on that not what she is doing. . In the meantime pull way back from all this. Let him start doing a lot more for himself. It doesn't matter what this woman is doing. Your husband obviously invites it and is completely disregarding your feelings about it.

I have brought this up on numerous occasions and my husband just sees it as she is a friend who he talks to about every day things. Am I just being a hormonal pregnant woman and projecting onto this girl? I’m uncomfortable with it and it seems as if my husband is just letting it go.
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Wow guys! I was hesitant about asking a site about my worries and problems but I see and hear everything you’re saying. I do trust my husband and he is not secretive but I see an emotional connection that is upsetting. You have all confirmed my suspicions of her and if it keeps going even into when baby girl is born then I am going to give him another sit down. He can have a friend. I want him to have friends especially one who is going through what he is in his masters program but keep it to that. They’re on break and still keep talking about stupid . During the work day maybe fine talk about your internships but weekends and nights have to stop. I’m tired of feeling like she is needs my husband to get her through the day. I’m tired of seeing her name pop up on his screen all the time. I wish I could post photos on here to show you because his texts are on the computer. I’m about to talk to his older brother about it. I need advice also from someone who knows him best. I don’t know how he will take it though.

 

I am feeling my husbands signals and trust him. He does tend to make friends easier with women. In his graduate studies there were two girls who were his buddies and they were fine. One was a formal model. I never met them but I never had these sort of feelings towards them. I was never concerned about their feelings towards him like this one. My husband needs physical attraction for him to think anything about cheating. I know this because of our relationship, and he said on our first talk that she is not attractive to him at all. He said he would never do anything to me or our family and again I trust that but this little M is getting emotionally attached to him and you all can see that. Like I said his side isn’t as much as hers but I know he calls her. Our last talk where I cried was about him calling her while he was out for groceries and why he needed to talk to her for 45 minutes and another few times for 15ish minutes. And on the way home from work for 30 min. Yes I took his phone while he was sleeping and looked through it. I became that woman. I’m lucky he wasn’t pissed because we don’t do that to each other. He said it’s about their portfolios and stuff they need to do for school that is due in February because they worked on a project together and need to fix it. Fine I get that but why did she call him at 9 AM yesterday when they were just at an event the night before. And 7pm the night before that? I know I’m going a little crazy over analyzing but M is making me do this.

 

I want to meet her. Is that my next step??

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If you are concerned that this may materialize into cheating, meeting her won't do a thing to prevent it. That is a myth. No your next step is to find a professional therapist to discuss all this with and stop being a doormat. You are acting like the typical jealous wife who thinks it's "her" fault and meeting "her" will prevent what you are fearing (affair - emotional or more). It won't. Why? Because your husband is the problem and "she" is not.

I want to meet her. Is that my next step??
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I’m trying to make an appointment to see a therapist so I know I’m on the right track.

 

I know he has blame as well and I’m so trying to stop looking and reacting and thats why I need help. Professional and just talking it out. I guess I need someone to coach me on that becasue pulling away is soooo hard. I’m due in a month and have nothing to occupy my time while I’m not working. It’s very unhealthy.

 

How do I still talk to him about it?

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Yes, it's time to sit down with your husband and draw up clear cut rules for your relationship. This should have been done when you had the discussion to become exclusive to make sure you were on the same page. Better late than never, though. Male/female friendships have a different dynamic. You want to be his best friend--not some stranger you've never met. This isn't high school. This is a woman pouring a lot of emotional time and energy into your husband, and he reciprocates and allows it.

 

His response and actions after your discussion will reveal what he values more--your reasonable feelings, or the ego boost of another woman paying attention to him. The fact that you're pregnant makes this situation even worse, because it will be harder for you to make the decision to split if he chooses his friendship over you. When you give birth and much of your time and attention is divided, with enormous amounts of attention being paid to the child, of course, it may even cause his emotional affair to deepen. You have to nip this in the bud and demand couples counseling if he chooses to continue this inappropriate friendship. If he refuses, go to one yourself to show him the importance of the matter. It might wake him up to his nonsense. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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Make an appointment with a therapist for yourself. Get some objective professional advice about your husband's antics.After discussing some of the things that are becoming issues, ask your husband to join you

 

This is not this woman's fault...it's your husband's. Keep the focus on that not what she is doing. . In the meantime pull way back from all this. Let him start doing a lot more for himself. It doesn't matter what this woman is doing. Your husband obviously invites it and is completely disregarding your feelings about it.

 

I am sorry, Wiseman, but it definitely is this woman's fault. Actually, they are both at fault: her, because of her lack of boundaries; and him, because he is brushing this texting situation to the side thus disregarding his wife's valid concerns. A married man should not be carrying on like a teenager, and neither should this disrespectful woman. At the very least, she's not married but that doesn't give her a license to text him every day!!!

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Ugh... I'm sorry this is happening. It is wrong for her to text like this and hide behind friendship. I have close friends of the opposite sex and I never text them early morning hellos, pics of my bed! Ew!

 

Her intentions are not good. And I have been in your shoes, not wanting to push a bf into another woman's arms. I do believe there's some truth to the advice-- any drama you create, about her, will make hide stuff.

 

Looking back on my own similar but not the same (I was just in a exclusive dating relationship, not married) I recognize now, my guy liked the attention from her and the feelings I had of jealousy. And he really owed it to me, to put his foot down.

 

With that said, I get what you mean about your hubs being sick of talking about it. But in a way, that is unfair, too, bc he's making it something that can't be discussed anymore. Which is not how partnerships work.

 

I think you need to.pick your time wisely to discuss this. You desrve to be heard and have your feelings considered. If he feels awkward talking to this woman and plainly stating, please stop etc, then

 

Ask him what he wants you to do about this, because a blind eye is not an option. because he is basically asking his PREGNANT wife be uncomfortable, at the comfort of a new school friend... not a family member or boss or colleague or someone that based on the situation you need to exist in the same world....

 

It's not right for him to allow this to happen. A spouse is your chosen partner in life. It's cool to have friends of the opposite sex, but not one that makes your spouse question things. Thats the line.... You are a team, together...

 

Edited to add: I agree with Wiseman to stop doing things for your hubs. show your discomfort. don't act like nothing is wrong. be slighted, annoyed, offended.... he owes you better.

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Hanging out one-on-one with her looks like a date.

 

And yes, the texting everyday is a little too much.

 

But I would not worry if she's into him. As long as he's not into her, nothing will happen. It takes two to tango.

 

That said, I understand, it makes you jelous.

 

You've talked to him about it and he doesn't get it. Get your own text biddy and let him see how it feels, when the shoe is on the other foot. maybe then he'll get it.

 

I want to meet her. Is that my next step??

 

- that's not a bad idea. Since they are spending time together and talking so much, how come he's not invited her over to the house? Unless someone wants to hide something. I think a little chaperoning would be a good idea.

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When you give birth and much of your time and attention is divided, with enormous amounts of attention being paid to the child, of course, it may even cause his emotional affair to deepen. You have to nip this in the bud and demand couples counseling if he chooses to continue this inappropriate friendship. If he refuses, go to one yourself to show him the importance of the matter. .

 

^^SOLID advice. It's true, within a month a whole new dynamic happens when the baby arrives and you 2 need to be each other's "rock".

 

Time for a heart to heart, this week. Leave the "hormones" out of the discussion and be frank with him that M is making things very uncomfortable for you, and let him know she AND HIM are crossing boundaries beyond friendship with late night calls. Counselling could be a good next step to show that you are concerned enough that you don't want things to escalate.

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Thank you. I never wanted to admit that he is getting an ego boost from this but i have to be realistic. That’s why he talks to her still. Like every time she asks him for advice on little about her plants or her lighting or what to buy for her apartment or what vacuum to buy he most likely likes that she’s seeking his advice and honestly I guess I don’t want to see what his side fully is but I know the conversation has to come up at least one more time, especially if I still see their communication is multiple times a day every day regardless of who texts who first. He knows how it makes me feel and I do feel like he is brushing it off because he thinks their friendship is normal when even though it’s mundane it’s not normal. I need help and I know that.

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You guys are awesome. Thank you so much for all this advice. I need my rock back and I want him to really understand me. When I see the therapist, I’ll ask about having us both go so it will make it more real for him since I do become somewhat hormonal or I try to make jokes about it to lighten the mood and skirt around my true feelings.

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Ugh... I'm sorry this is happening. It is wrong for her to text like this and hide behind friendship. I have close friends of the opposite sex and I never text them early morning hellos, pics of my bed! Ew!

 

Her intentions are not good. And I have been in your shoes, not wanting to push a bf into another woman's arms. I do believe there's some truth to the advice-- any drama you create, about her, will make hide.

 

With that said, I get what you mean about your hubs being sick of talking about it. But in a way, that is unfair, too, bc he's making it something that can't be discussed anymore. Which is not how partnerships work.

 

I think you need to.pick your time wisely to discuss this. You desrve to be heard and have your feelings considered. If he feels awkward talking to this woman and plainly stating, please stop etc, then

 

Ask him what he wants you to do about this, because a blind eye is not an option. because he is basically asking his PREGNANT wife be uncomfortable, at the comfort of a new school friend... not a family member or boss or colleague or someone that based on the situation you need to exist in the same world....

 

It's not right for him to allow this to happen. A spouse is your chosen partner in life. It's cool to have friends of the opposite sex, but not one that makes your spouse question things. Thats the line.... You are a team, together...

 

I want to quote almost your entire post! It’s all this and this is what I want to tell him. He says he feels embarrassed to say something to he about how I feel. That she is texting him too much. I want him to take that step and let her know becasue I have a right to feel like this. I have every right!

 

And you’re right I don’t want him to feel like he need to hide it from me to keep me from freaking out again but I still need to discuss this with him. I am giving him some time. I told him yesterday that I feel like she is too used to him talking her every day.

 

He needs to ignore her for a day like friends do. Our first talk about it he didn’t text her for the whole day and she called him to see if he got her texts. Come on now?? That’s a relationship thing. If I text him line 8 times with no response when I know he isn’t in class or on a train I call. I’m his wife. He hasn’t done that since that day because she was talking about a contest through their school and now he thinks he’ll miss something like that. It’s so confusing and such a weird situation.

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You're right to be concerned, OP.

 

She likes him. It's obvious. He knows that. He might not like her back, but he enjoys the attention at least to some extent. The primary problem isn't her, though. It's him. I don't mean to suggest he has nefarious intentions with her, but he also isn't doing enough to protect your marriage. He knows this is making you uncomfortable and yet it continues. That is a problem he has all the power to correct, and thus far, he hasn't done much about it.

 

He can distance himself from her without becoming confrontational. It isn't necessary for him to respond to her mundane texts at all, or take her calls, particularly not after school hours or when he's spending time with you. It also likely isn't necessary to call her only when you're out of earshot. Surely if it's just about school, it's nothing that can't be discussed in front of you. See if she takes a hint or gets bored with his relative silence and backs off. If she doesn't, then he does need to be more direct. If he won't, you have a problem that is bigger than it seems.

 

Bottom line? She can't really meddle and be a pest if he doesn't allow it.

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M could be crossing boundaries, but you need to trust him that he won't cross boundaries.
Said many a people who have lost the emotional connection to their partner due to emotional affairs.

 

You don't blind trust anyone, that is a just enabling the bS to continue past appropriate.

 

Ask to meet her and for her to bring her boyfriend to your home for a meal. Get to know her and hopefully you two will get to a point where you can tell her that her contact with your husband is over-the-top or if you don't want to do that, you start texting her boyfriend ad nauseum and see what your husband thinks about that.

 

You keep your enemies close. If your husband or she won't come over for a double date, then I'd say you have something to worry about.

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I find sometimes younger people who've never been married don't get ya don't text another person's spouse in the middle of the night. My hubs had a work clinger who would text him on a Friday night dumb things, but you could tell they don't get stuff like that leads to shenanigans and there's karma. I would just text her back, and let her know it's you, and say hi, and ask about class, and be cordial. Then, you can see how she responds to him moving forward.

 

She's his class wife, like someone having a work wife, but you should meet them. Even then though, the insecure ones will still keep texting. You just have to be like, "yo, hubs", you need to chill on the texting.

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Personally, I have no issue with friends of the opposite sex. But it needs to be understood that in order for this person to be a true friend they need to ask themselves if they would feel comfortable bringing said friend around their husband/wife.

 

Not that that needs to happen, but the question needs to be posed and if there is any reservation about all involved being social and friendly together. Hypothetically.

 

I take issue that he didn't take the phone call in the car while you were there. Would he have done the same with any other friend, or just her?

 

I am the same way with my boyfriend. I have plenty of male friends that I would not hesitate to bring around him. He's met most of them. ANd, I answer my phone every time they call.

 

I do have a couple male friends that I have some history with that I know it wouldn't be appropriate. These men I have distanced myself from and created appropriate boundaries out of respect for my relationship. I expect the same in return.

 

Ask your husband if he would be comfortable if the opportunity was there, that you two meet. Not that you need to, but just to gauge his response. If he's not comfortable, then she's not his friend and she's most likely your enemy.

 

There was a comment about being afraid by speaking up that she'd push him into another woman's arms. Personally, if he's that easily pushed, merely by stating respectful boundaries, then I'd let him go. He doesn't get to play both sides, while you white knuckle this dilemma in fear of respectfully speaking up.

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I want to quote almost your entire post! It’s all this and this is what I want to tell him. He says he feels embarrassed to say something to he about how I feel. That she is texting him too much. I want him to take that step and let her know becasue I have a right to feel like this. I have every right!

 

And you’re right I don’t want him to feel like he need to hide it from me to keep me from freaking out again but I still need to discuss this with him. I am giving him some time. I told him yesterday that I feel like she is too used to him talking her every day.

 

He needs to ignore her for a day like friends do. Our first talk about it he didn’t text her for the whole day and she called him to see if he got her texts. Come on now?? That’s a relationship thing. If I text him line 8 times with no response when I know he isn’t in class or on a train I call. I’m his wife. He hasn’t done that since that day because she was talking about a contest through their school and now he thinks he’ll miss something like that. It’s so confusing and such a weird situation.

 

Ok. I would still talk to him and explain your points. calmly, while expressing his point, it is embarassing to have to say this to the little skank [emoji23]

 

that's where you turn it into you and he strategizing together, how to deal with it. Does it mean he ignores her more regularly? And if it's for school stuff, is there another person that can be brought in? And what's the response if he ignores her and she questions? (meanwhile ! checking on a grown married man! pfft!) but... it could be simple...

 

yeah I got your texts busy with my wife....

 

then it becomes- busy with my wife and baby.

 

Maybe if he mentions you more, she will get the hint... the other thing is, you could make it known you sometimes check his phone.

 

I have friend and I called her phone one day, her hubs answered. And he was like o yeah we traded phones today....

 

You could text her back... hey m, this your name, I have my husbands phone today but I'll pass the message along...

 

that way she has no idea who she is texting and if it's inappropriate you could call it right out! like:

M, why are you texting a picture of a bed to MY HUSBAND?

 

Remember you are his wife. You set the boundary she respects. Not the other way around! you do not have to be welcoming or nice to her. Quite the opposite- professional, questioning, firm. aka scary to mess with.

 

Do not meet her. Do not welcome her into your life!

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Personally, I have no issue with friends of the opposite sex. But it needs to be understood that in order for this person to be a true friend they need to ask themselves if they would feel comfortable bringing said friend around their husband/wife.

 

Not that that needs to happen, but the question needs to be posed and if there is any reservation about all involved being social and friendly together. Hypothetically.

 

I take issue that he didn't take the phone call in the car while you were there. Would he have done the same with any other friend, or just her?

 

I am the same way with my boyfriend. I have plenty of male friends that I would not hesitate to bring around him. He's met most of them. ANd, I answer my phone every time they call.

 

I do have a couple male friends that I have some history with that I know it wouldn't be appropriate. These men I have distanced myself from and created appropriate boundaries out of respect for my relationship. I expect the same in return.

 

Ask your husband if he would be comfortable if the opportunity was there, that you two meet. Not that you need to, but just to gauge his response. If he's not comfortable, then she's not his friend and she's most likely your enemy.

 

There was a comment about being afraid by speaking up that she'd push him into another woman's arms. Personally, if he's that easily pushed, merely by stating respectful boundaries, then I'd let him go. He doesn't get to play both sides, while you white knuckle this dilemma in fear of respectfully speaking up.

 

Yes this. I agree. This would be way beyond my comfort zone and I find her constant texting inappropriate and irritating. Example. I met a man a few years ago I had a lot in common with. Our kids met at the same time at a kids activity. His wife wasn't there but his mother was. Met her too. We said we'd like to have our kids meet again and I said something about connecting with him on linkedin since it's a professional site. Couldn't find him there. So what I did - I facebooked his wife. Introduced myself via message, told her how our boys got along so well. We are now friends. We text each other regularly. I've seen her husband again on his own with our kids. Seen her too. I still kind of have more in common with him but I know that that could possibly make his wife uncomfortable. So why go there?? I see him plenty when we have our kids together. I would never want to be with him but that's not the point. He's not a longstanding male friend I've had for years (which I have those too and it's all good, my husband has longstanding female friends) and appearances matter. It takes thought sometimes to have the appropriate boundaries, takes some sacrifices (in my case yes it would be fun to chat with him sometimes on text but I never have other than "we'll be there in a half hour").

 

If your partner doesn't know that's ok - if he loves you and your growing family he'll get it and he'll modify his behavior.

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