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Thread: How to make it as easy as possible

  1. #1
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    How to make it as easy as possible

    Hi,

    I care about him, buuuut. I have been his girlfriend for 4 years. He lives with his mom to help her. Problem is, I want to be able to move. If we got married where would I stay? His city is closer to where I don't want to be and he can't move here. We can't afford a place near his mother in that area, it's just way to expensive. I really would like to try living somewhere else, another state, but that's not happening if I stay. I don't want to be married and live separate and apart. It's been 4 years and there's no telling how many more years. It feel sick thinking about how she has to die before we can get married and start an actual life together.

    I have a different religion and I feel stronger about it than he does about his. I find myself being lazier about mine, although him is supportive of me practicing mine, it would be nice to have more than that. There is also the matter of children. He totally doesn't want any, but I would like the possibility. I'm 38 and time isn't slowing down.

    There are other little things, but these are big enough. He is romantic and caring. We have some common interests. We get along great. That's why it's so sad.

    What do you think makes an easier break up? Not before Valentine's Day or his birthday or his friend's wedding which are coming up. Do it in person.

    Do you think it's possible to gently start showing him these things that don't seem to have a solution? Would that help prepare him? Start talking about things to get his mind going in that direction? I want to provide whatever buffer or cushion for shock that I can. I don't want it to leave him feeling like there is no hope for him to have a relationship with someone and that hes not worthy of love.

    I know there is a lot more that needs to be thought about then just my own feelings. It's not going to be a fun conversation. I wish I could do this without hurting him.

    How would you want (bad word...) to be broken up with?

  2. #2
    Gold Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by myalien

    How would you want (bad word...) to be broken up with?

    We have some common interests. We get along great. That's why it's so sad.
    Openly and honestly. Lies and beating around the bush serves no one.
    Tell him exactly why YOU need to move on. Tell him the great things about him and the relationship, but your desire to have children is strong, and it's unfair to both of you to continue when you want different things.

    Yes, there is a lot of good things going on but wanting children is a HUGE deal breaker.

    Best of luck.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Ok I got the wanting kids part.....what are you doing dating this guy? No guy is worth the sacrifice of not having children. You just wasted 4 precious years girl. You need to move on, and find someone who values your beliefs, and wants a family. You have my vote to end it.
    I agree just be open and honest. Not all relationships end because you don't get along...they end because of incompatibility.
    I hope you find strength in your decision, and meet the one who will give you a happy future. Keep us updated :)

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    There is, in the end, nothing more caring and respectful than being honest with someone, even when the truth is devastating. Take a moment to remind yourself of that, and let that guide you during this very hard moment.

    I'm assuming—perhaps inaccurately—that over the years you have talked to him about things you want: living together, moving out of state, having children. If he's not on board with that—or if there isn't some kind of satisfying middle ground you can carve out together—there really is no point continuing on. An impasse is an impasse. You are, right now, living your one and only life. If you want to even explore the possibility of having kids—your own, adopted, whatever—then you need to take steps to make that genuinely possible. This relationship is like a locked steel door preventing access to that staircase.

    I'd tell him that, warmly and directly: that you love him, have loved these years together, but have realized that you need things that the relationship can't provide. And that, hard as it is, is that. He'll react how he reacts, feel what he feels. But if he loves you and respects you he will respect your choice, understand it. Might take some time, but that's his journey, not yours.

    I've been in your shoes, and his. Never easy. Best of luck and know you have ears here to listen.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I wouldn't wait until after any of those moments to break up. He'll just be pissed he was living a fake life with you when he finds out how long you've known it was over. Plus, your biological clock is ticking fast, so the faster you're able to mourn and heal from this relationship, the quicker you'll be able to find a compatible longterm partner.

    Breakups are always upsetting, but necessary when each of you need to find a better match. Just tell him your major life goals don't match, and so you feel it best for the both of you to go your separate ways.

    Make a must-have and dealbreaker list moving forward and stick to it. Otherwise, you'll find yourself wasting time on another incompatible partner.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. there is no 'good' time to break up. In this case sooner is better than delaying it further.
    Originally Posted by myalien
    It's been 4 years and there's no telling how many more years. There is also the matter of children. He totally doesn't want any, but I would like the possibility. I'm 38 and time isn't slowing down.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by myalien
    He lives with his mom to help her. Problem is, I want to be able to move. If we got married where would I stay? His city is closer to where I don't want to be and he can't move here. We can't afford a place near his mother in that area, it's just way to expensive. I really would like to try living somewhere else, another state, but that's not happening if I stay. I don't want to be married and live separate and apart. It's been 4 years and there's no telling how many more years. It feel sick thinking about how she has to die before we can get married and start an actual life together.

    I have a different religion and I feel stronger about it than he does about his. I find myself being lazier about mine, although him is supportive of me practicing mine, it would be nice to have more than that. There is also the matter of children. He totally doesn't want any, but I would like the possibility. I'm 38 and time isn't slowing down.
    But have you had this challenging conversation with him? You just shared with us a list of obstacles. Have you gone over these with him and in turn what does he say and does he have any compromises or solutions? Doesn't he deserve the opportunity?

    I agree that the obstacles are pretty big. But in all fairness go over all these things that are concerning you with him. Give him a chance to respond before you decide to end it.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Not before Valentine's Day or his birthday or his friend's wedding which are coming up.
    This is the way to just prolong the misery as you keep coming up with milestones for the next delay. I'd skip that. Once I'm out, I'm out. Today.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Nothing will make it easier when breaking up. Anytime a person feels rejected and dumped, it is painful and there's no way around it. Do it now in person. It doesn't matter if it's before Valentine's Day, his birthday or his friend's upcoming wedding. The sooner the better. No sense dragging out your relationship if it's there's no future commitment nor going anywhere.

    Tell him everything regarding there's no place to live should both of you marry, lack of money near his mother's place due to how expensive it is, both of you not sharing the same religion, his lack of desire to have children yet you would like the possibility to have children.

    It's all well and good that he's romantic and caring but "love don't pay the rent."

    It's not your responsibility to let him have hope to have a relationship with someone else or convince him that's he's worthy of love. That's all on him, his responsibility and let him navigate his own life.

    Of course, it will never be a fun conversation but you might as well get it over and done with. It will hurt him but it will hurt him even more should you prolong this dead relationship with him and what's even worse is being deceitful.

    I would want to be broken up with honestly and truthfully and not pin the blame onto me or him in your case. Describe your differences (religion / no kids / you want kids), lack of money to move closer to his mother due to expensive rent / real estate and circumstances beyond anyone's control. Tell him it just won't work out. There are too many closed doors and you don't see a future with him. I would want to know the facts if someone broke up with me. Then I'll realize it wasn't my fault. I would want to know if conditions aren't feasible, the relationship itself is doomed for failure. In relationships, the #1 cause of breakup tends to be about lack of money or financial hardship. Remain calm, no raised voices and hang tough. Be gentle yet firm and final.

    My mother taught me this quote long ago: "Rich men don't fight." What it means is whenever finances are smooth sailing in relationships, there is no fighting to be had or at least less fighting. I personally found this to be true. When my husband and I struggled financially during some challenging lean years, I felt frustrated, tense, harsh and embittered. Now that our ship FINALLY came in and we're no longer living paycheck to paycheck, I can FINALLY breathe a huge sigh of relief and I'm actually nicer to everyone including him! How about that? It's true that when money is no longer a problem, people finally tend to have brain space to be kinder than when times were tough.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Betterwithout
    Openly and honestly. Lies and beating around the bush serves no one.
    Tell him exactly why YOU need to move on. Tell him the great things about him and the relationship, but your desire to have children is strong, and it's unfair to both of you to continue when you want different things.

    Yes, there is a lot of good things going on but wanting children is a HUGE deal breaker.

    Best of luck.
    That covers it ...^

    Deffo don't start planting a seed in the hope that it will grow , because you could plant a seed that does grow and he does all he can to sort out each problem as you present them ... you need to be straight , honest and to the point . It is never easy to do this .

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