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Can co-sleeping destroy my marriage?


Bagrich

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I hate that our baby's room is on the second floor, while our bedroom is on the first floor. I planned on our little one being in our room for a least several months. She is only 2 weeks old. So when I mentioned to my husband that I wanted to set up the pack and play in our room (it has a bassinet feature), he said: "How am I supposed to get any sleep when I have to go to work in the morning?". Doesn't he sound ridiculous? I think this situation both harms the child and bombs the family. Can co-sleeping destroy my marriage? What should I do? :upset:

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To me co-sleeping is having the child in the same bed with you. I had our first baby in a bassinett in our room for a couple of weeks then she went into her own room. This was all about me, as a new mom I needed to know she was still breathing! Once I settled myself down a bit, I moved her down the hall to her own room. Not a problem.

 

I see your husband's point but a 2 wk old baby on another floor in the house would not sit well with me. As to how your husband will sleep, who knows until you try it. I see your side and I see his side.

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He could be much more supportive than that, but maybe it's a knee jerk reaction response.

Yes, his and your sleep will be affected with a newborn/toddler. Many couples do set up different sleeping arrangements for their children for the first little bit.

You both need to come up with a compromise.

 

Maybe set up an air mattress type bed in the baby's room for you to attend so he can get his beauty sleep. Then you can attend to the baby easier?

Do you have a baby monitor for a few nights down the road when you can sleep together with your husband.

 

The best advice I received and you've probably already heard a thousand times already is to make time for each other as well. Get a baby sitter and have date nights!! Ultra-important.

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Why is your marriage being ruined the default conclusion? Or for that matter, the baby going from another floor to directly in your room? You seem to be unnecessarily operating in extremes. I empathize with wanting to be near the newborn, but if the man needs sleep, he needs sleep. He has an off day at work from a lack of sleep, he gets fired and your family is out an income. Not to minimize the importance or difficulty, but you have an off day, dishes don't get done or groceries don't get bought.

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I slept in the living room with our newborn for the first 8 weeks. It was easier and more comfortable for me to sit up with her and feed her on the couch, plus I had the light from the Christmas tree to help me see when changing her. That also allowed my husband a full nights sleep before work. Now that I’m preparing to go back to work, baby and I are moving back into our bedroom, where she’ll be next to me in her bassinet. She does wake hubby up once or twice a night, but once I start work as well, he’ll be helping with night time feeding.

 

If you’re not working yet, which I assume at 2 weeks old you’re likely not, can you sleep with baby separately from your husband just temporarily?

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I slept on the sofa in our living room with my emily next to me in her moses basket ..no way on this earth was my baby going to be away from me ! End of .

 

So for you if you need that ....do it ..

 

For your husband ..well he is trying to do a days work and you can't do a days work and wake up every 3 hours for an hour ....well you can but it doesn't make for a very happy life ...so I see his point .

 

So the compromise ...you sleep in the babys' room ? He needs to understand though that been a parent means sleepless nights etc etc ... so just for these first weeks try that .

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Wow, really? He's being totally ridiculous. You tell him this is what being a new father is all about...lack of sleep! All parents have to endure this. What the hell was he expect?? Here's a simple solution, he can wear ear plugs, and a night mask. You bring that baby in the room with you guys so you can bond. Geez whiz! At least do it for the first 6 months, then get a baby monitor/camera system for the baby's room.

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I would never leave a two week old baby on another floor. Co sleeping is having your child in your bed. We co slept for 3 years. Our marriage did ok. I won’t say we weren’t exhausted, we were. But my husband realized parents of newborns don’t get a lot of sleep.

 

My son never slept a full night until he was 7 but he is Autistic and they don’t sleep well. Now He is an adult.

 

He has to realize his days of sleep are over. He is a parent now work or no work.

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Just go to the baby's room and sleep there with her until you are secure in knowing that she is okay however, don't forsake your wifey duties to become only a mommy... That is what will ruin your marriage.

 

Frankly, I'd be looking for a new house where you and hubby can be on the same floor as your little one's. Being on different floors would be an issue for me.

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You both would benefit from counselling and parenting classes. There is no right or wrong, just stress from a newborn. Best to get this figured out before you allow your "he's ridiculous" attitude to erode your marriage.

 

Contempt is a bad sign. Marriage therapy. Why can't he sleep in another room or you sleep in the newborn's room for a while? Find a decent solution. Get some rest.

She is only 2 weeks old. Doesn't he sound ridiculous? I think this situation both harms the child and bombs the family. Can co-sleeping destroy my marriage?
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A friend of mine had an adult bed in the baby's room, and they slept in there or one of them slept in there with the baby and moved back to their own room when baby didn't need night feedings. Then eventually crib was out and young lady was in the same bed the parents still had in their.

 

I suggest a compromise. Baby is in a bassinet in your room for the first few weeks due to SIDS risk and then baby moves to baby's room with a baby monitor and you can choose to sleep there, also and ask your husband to do baby duty one of the weekend nights. Or sleep there for a few hours a night. I think being woken by a baby monitor is different than having a baby in the parents' personal space

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Just don't let it drag on too long.

 

One of my friends kicked her husband out of the marital bed because their child wanted to sleep in there. She forced her husband into the guest room. The child slept in the marital bed with my friend until she was almost all the way through grade school.

 

Let's just say they aren't married anymore and leave it at that.

 

But I feel like having the baby in the room sleeping in her bassinet isn't much to ask. However, if your husband feels like he can't possibly sleep in the same room as the baby, maybe he should move to another room until she's a couple of months old. Again, not for a prolonged period of time but just until you feel more secure about her sleeping separately with a baby monitor set up.

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Here's how we did it. The first 3 months that I was at home with my daughter, before I had to return to work, I slept upstairs on the guest bed with her bassinet next to me. My finace slept downstairs in the bedroom, because he was working full time. It worked well for us, because when she did wake up I was the one breastfeeding her, and I really didn't need him to even be available for that. We chose not to introduce bottles until later.

It was important for us to have him get his rest, because he was biking or driving to work and I wanted him to be alert for his commute and of course the day at work. Let's be honest, caring for a newborn is incredibly hard, and yes it's a 24 hour a day job, but for me there was a lot of downtime as well. Sometimes she'd breastfeed for hours and in that time I sat on the couch watching TV shows or read a book.

 

When I returned to work, we happened to move to a bigger place and set up her own room. She still slept next to our bed in a bassinet until we started sleep training at 6 months. Her wake ups at night where still mainly handled by me, because it simply didn't bother me too much to plop her on the breast twice a night.

 

It all comes down what works, but try not to dismiss him entirely when he needs his sleep. None of this should ruin your marriage, if you compromise. The first few months in a baby's life are always confusing and will be different than what you're used to, but sticking together through it is just so important.

 

Also, I personally would not let my 2 week old sleep alone upstairs, but rather bring a mattress or guest bed into her room to be close by.

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Confused - why does he get to sleep, and you don't? I'm sorry, but you have a newborn - NO ONE SLEEPS - you just take turns getting up. I don't care who's the breadwinner - you both are the parents.

 

The kid may not sleep through the night which is technically 5+ hours till year 1, so he expects you to just prance up and down by yourself for an entire year? Pa-leease. If you are nursing, bed-sharing makes life so much easier, and you get some sleep too when you do the sideways position when they are about 5+ months old (big enough to do that position)

 

And not to grasp straws but to clarify:

Bed-Sharing is sharing the bed, which I did for both kiddos

Co-Sleeping is when they sleep in their own bed in the same room as yours.

 

My best tip for you - get a King size bed. Do not accept you have to do 100% of the childcare or you will go nuts, and take hubs down with you.

 

I should add, my kids now sleep in their own beds, but the 1st year, they would bed-share at some point in the night. And either affected our marriage. They just really need to smell and touch mommy. Or nurse, or just stay warm. And get some swaddles. Most babies love it. My 2nd didn't so much, but really helped with my 1st when they are newborns. Not so much after that.

 

TBH, my hubs never heard either baby get up in the night.

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When my son was born 10 years ago the recommendation was to have the baby in the same room the first 6 months at least to reduce the risk of SIDs. That is what we did (for part of that time his mini crib was right outside our open door in the little hallway since the room in that apartment was so small!). We never coslept -bed shared -when he was a baby first because I believe it's unsafe and more practically speaking our son didn't seem to want to! For the first few weeks my husband had leave/reduced schedule so we divided up the waking up to feed the baby thing. Once he went back to work, I did more of it. He actually slept fine, for a new parent! I remember once early on I tried the shhhhh method from Happiest Baby on the Block to get our newborn back to sleep. It didn't work on the newborn but my husband fell asleep!

 

I would never ever have slept in a different room than my infant.

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Please get a therapist to resolve marital adjustments to parenting as well your your pediatrician and get accurate parenting information:

 

"The American Academy of Pediatrics does encourage room-sharing (sleeping in the same room but on separate surfaces) in its policy statement regarding SIDS prevention, but it recommends against bed-sharing with infants.

 

Recent legal rulings suggest that bed-sharing has been attributed as a factor of unintentional infant suffocation. For instance, parents under the influence of drugs or alcohol and whose children died while bed-sharing have been charged and, at times, prosecuted with manslaughter in several US states"

 

.

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After the first couple of nights I put the bassinet just outside the door way of our bedroom, along the wall of hallway. My son was literally 8 feet away from us.

 

Having him immediately in the room I was the one waking with every rustle, every move checking on him when after all he was perfectly fine. Dad slept through it all. 8 feet away was still close enough proximity and close enough to get to him when he needed me and he didn't disturb either us of unnecessarily.

 

As much as I understand that being a stay at home new mother, you do get the brunt of the duties if your husband has to go to work every day. At the same time it's a little insensitive for a dad to be thinking entirely of his convenience when everyone else in the house can be desperately sleep deprived. Whether he likes it or not, things change for him too. He needs to help out to some degree. Even if it's a little bit.

 

Compromise, compromise

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but the 1st year, they would bed-share at some point in the night. And either affected our marriage. They just really need to smell and touch mommy. Or nurse, or just stay warm. And get some swaddles. Most babies love it. My 2nd didn't so much, but really helped with my 1st when they are newborns. Not so much after that.

 

TBH, my hubs never heard either baby get up in the night.

 

Bedshare is dangerous for babies, at least that's the more recent thinking. So many infant deaths from being crushed by a rolling parent, suffocated by bedding, etc...

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Bedshare is dangerous for babies, at least that's the more recent thinking. So many infant deaths from being crushed by a rolling parent, suffocated by bedding, etc...

 

Yes. From her first post it looks like she wants the baby in a bassinett that comes with the pack n play which is safe and allows them to room share.

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Confused - why does he get to sleep, and you don't? I'm sorry, but you have a newborn - NO ONE SLEEPS - you just take turns getting up. I don't care who's the breadwinner - you both are the parents.

 

The kid may not sleep through the night which is technically 5+ hours till year 1, so he expects you to just prance up and down by yourself for an entire year? Pa-leease. If you are nursing, bed-sharing makes life so much easier, and you get some sleep too when you do the sideways position when they are about 5+ months old (big enough to do that position)

 

And not to grasp straws but to clarify:

Bed-Sharing is sharing the bed, which I did for both kiddos

Co-Sleeping is when they sleep in their own bed in the same room as yours.

 

My best tip for you - get a King size bed. Do not accept you have to do 100% of the childcare or you will go nuts, and take hubs down with you.

 

I should add, my kids now sleep in their own beds, but the 1st year, they would bed-share at some point in the night. And either affected our marriage. They just really need to smell and touch mommy. Or nurse, or just stay warm. And get some swaddles. Most babies love it. My 2nd didn't so much, but really helped with my 1st when they are newborns. Not so much after that.

Because the consequences of one or the other being sleep deprived and exhausted aren't the same. That doesn't speak to either of their roles being more or less important than the other, but that for as difficult as rearing a child can be, there are advantages to having zero supervision and being off the grid. No one's standing in the room timing her response speed or measuring the baby's nutrition levels or issuing verbal warnings if she's not maximizing her production with household chores whenever the baby is sleeping.

 

My wife happens to a doctor with a pretty great maternity leave package that allows us both to comfortably take off work as needed, so fortunately not a whole lot of the OP's dilemma will translate to our situation. But imagining she didn't have the leave and our livelihood being contingent on her not botching diagnoses and treatments, there's no reason both of us should be suffering a lack of sleep because "lol that's parenthood!"

 

Obviously there are streaks that will be inevitable, but if it means the spouse isn't sleep deprived operating a motor vehicle both ways and tending to patients in between, or operating a 9,000 pound forklift in a congested warehouse, etc., etc., there's almost no reason you shouldn't be ensuring the working spouse gets adequate rest.

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Here's an article that lists the dangers of bed-sharing but also encourages co-sleeping, meaning the newborn sharing the room with the parents but not the bed:

https://www.webmd.com/parenting/baby/features/cosleeping-baby

 

Perhaps you can share this with your husband.

 

PS: My husband and I took turns getting up with the kids when they were very young infants but he always took the earlier shift, meaning any wakeups after midnight were handled by me as the stay at home parent. I could nap while the kids were napping. My husband couldn't nap while at work!

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I dont think there is any harm in you sleeping with the baby while he sleeps alone. He wants his sleep because he has work the next day and you sleep close to your baby to keep an eye on ur baby.

Having a baby on a different floor isnt something i would be happy about

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In my opinion, babies that small should be co-sleeping. They're still tiny, they can still have issues, it's best if they are in the parents room for the first month at the very least.

 

I think your husband should be a lot more understanding since this is a part of having a newborn. Sleep is always going to be a bit of a struggle for the first while with a baby this small, that's to be expected.

 

I think he's being unreasonable. If your child was 2 years old, then yes, he has a point, but 2 weeks old! Geez, he's not even being fair or a good parent in my opinion.

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