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Thread: Can co-sleeping destroy my marriage?

  1. #11
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    A friend of mine had an adult bed in the baby's room, and they slept in there or one of them slept in there with the baby and moved back to their own room when baby didn't need night feedings. Then eventually crib was out and young lady was in the same bed the parents still had in their.

    I suggest a compromise. Baby is in a bassinet in your room for the first few weeks due to SIDS risk and then baby moves to baby's room with a baby monitor and you can choose to sleep there, also and ask your husband to do baby duty one of the weekend nights. Or sleep there for a few hours a night. I think being woken by a baby monitor is different than having a baby in the parents' personal space

  2. #12
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Just don't let it drag on too long.

    One of my friends kicked her husband out of the marital bed because their child wanted to sleep in there. She forced her husband into the guest room. The child slept in the marital bed with my friend until she was almost all the way through grade school.

    Let's just say they aren't married anymore and leave it at that.

    But I feel like having the baby in the room sleeping in her bassinet isn't much to ask. However, if your husband feels like he can't possibly sleep in the same room as the baby, maybe he should move to another room until she's a couple of months old. Again, not for a prolonged period of time but just until you feel more secure about her sleeping separately with a baby monitor set up.

  3. #13
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    Here's how we did it. The first 3 months that I was at home with my daughter, before I had to return to work, I slept upstairs on the guest bed with her bassinet next to me. My finace slept downstairs in the bedroom, because he was working full time. It worked well for us, because when she did wake up I was the one breastfeeding her, and I really didn't need him to even be available for that. We chose not to introduce bottles until later.
    It was important for us to have him get his rest, because he was biking or driving to work and I wanted him to be alert for his commute and of course the day at work. Let's be honest, caring for a newborn is incredibly hard, and yes it's a 24 hour a day job, but for me there was a lot of downtime as well. Sometimes she'd breastfeed for hours and in that time I sat on the couch watching TV shows or read a book.

    When I returned to work, we happened to move to a bigger place and set up her own room. She still slept next to our bed in a bassinet until we started sleep training at 6 months. Her wake ups at night where still mainly handled by me, because it simply didn't bother me too much to plop her on the breast twice a night.

    It all comes down what works, but try not to dismiss him entirely when he needs his sleep. None of this should ruin your marriage, if you compromise. The first few months in a baby's life are always confusing and will be different than what you're used to, but sticking together through it is just so important.

    Also, I personally would not let my 2 week old sleep alone upstairs, but rather bring a mattress or guest bed into her room to be close by.

  4. #14
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    Confused - why does he get to sleep, and you don't? I'm sorry, but you have a newborn - NO ONE SLEEPS - you just take turns getting up. I don't care who's the breadwinner - you both are the parents.

    The kid may not sleep through the night which is technically 5+ hours till year 1, so he expects you to just prance up and down by yourself for an entire year? Pa-leease. If you are nursing, bed-sharing makes life so much easier, and you get some sleep too when you do the sideways position when they are about 5+ months old (big enough to do that position)

    And not to grasp straws but to clarify:
    Bed-Sharing is sharing the bed, which I did for both kiddos
    Co-Sleeping is when they sleep in their own bed in the same room as yours.

    My best tip for you - get a King size bed. Do not accept you have to do 100% of the childcare or you will go nuts, and take hubs down with you.

    I should add, my kids now sleep in their own beds, but the 1st year, they would bed-share at some point in the night. And either affected our marriage. They just really need to smell and touch mommy. Or nurse, or just stay warm. And get some swaddles. Most babies love it. My 2nd didn't so much, but really helped with my 1st when they are newborns. Not so much after that.

    TBH, my hubs never heard either baby get up in the night.

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  6. #15
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    When my son was born 10 years ago the recommendation was to have the baby in the same room the first 6 months at least to reduce the risk of SIDs. That is what we did (for part of that time his mini crib was right outside our open door in the little hallway since the room in that apartment was so small!). We never coslept -bed shared -when he was a baby first because I believe it's unsafe and more practically speaking our son didn't seem to want to! For the first few weeks my husband had leave/reduced schedule so we divided up the waking up to feed the baby thing. Once he went back to work, I did more of it. He actually slept fine, for a new parent! I remember once early on I tried the shhhhh method from Happiest Baby on the Block to get our newborn back to sleep. It didn't work on the newborn but my husband fell asleep!

    I would never ever have slept in a different room than my infant.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Please get a therapist to resolve marital adjustments to parenting as well your your pediatrician and get accurate parenting information:

    "The American Academy of Pediatrics does encourage room-sharing (sleeping in the same room but on separate surfaces) in its policy statement regarding SIDS prevention, but it recommends against bed-sharing with infants.

    Recent legal rulings suggest that bed-sharing has been attributed as a factor of unintentional infant suffocation. For instance, parents under the influence of drugs or alcohol and whose children died while bed-sharing have been charged and, at times, prosecuted with manslaughter in several US states"

    .
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 01-08-2020 at 01:39 PM.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    After the first couple of nights I put the bassinet just outside the door way of our bedroom, along the wall of hallway. My son was literally 8 feet away from us.

    Having him immediately in the room I was the one waking with every rustle, every move checking on him when after all he was perfectly fine. Dad slept through it all. 8 feet away was still close enough proximity and close enough to get to him when he needed me and he didn't disturb either us of unnecessarily.

    As much as I understand that being a stay at home new mother, you do get the brunt of the duties if your husband has to go to work every day. At the same time it's a little insensitive for a dad to be thinking entirely of his convenience when everyone else in the house can be desperately sleep deprived. Whether he likes it or not, things change for him too. He needs to help out to some degree. Even if it's a little bit.

    Compromise, compromise

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    but the 1st year, they would bed-share at some point in the night. And either affected our marriage. They just really need to smell and touch mommy. Or nurse, or just stay warm. And get some swaddles. Most babies love it. My 2nd didn't so much, but really helped with my 1st when they are newborns. Not so much after that.

    TBH, my hubs never heard either baby get up in the night.
    Bedshare is dangerous for babies, at least that's the more recent thinking. So many infant deaths from being crushed by a rolling parent, suffocated by bedding, etc...

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Bedshare is dangerous for babies, at least that's the more recent thinking. So many infant deaths from being crushed by a rolling parent, suffocated by bedding, etc...
    Yes. From her first post it looks like she wants the baby in a bassinett that comes with the pack n play which is safe and allows them to room share.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    Confused - why does he get to sleep, and you don't? I'm sorry, but you have a newborn - NO ONE SLEEPS - you just take turns getting up. I don't care who's the breadwinner - you both are the parents.

    The kid may not sleep through the night which is technically 5+ hours till year 1, so he expects you to just prance up and down by yourself for an entire year? Pa-leease. If you are nursing, bed-sharing makes life so much easier, and you get some sleep too when you do the sideways position when they are about 5+ months old (big enough to do that position)

    And not to grasp straws but to clarify:
    Bed-Sharing is sharing the bed, which I did for both kiddos
    Co-Sleeping is when they sleep in their own bed in the same room as yours.

    My best tip for you - get a King size bed. Do not accept you have to do 100% of the childcare or you will go nuts, and take hubs down with you.

    I should add, my kids now sleep in their own beds, but the 1st year, they would bed-share at some point in the night. And either affected our marriage. They just really need to smell and touch mommy. Or nurse, or just stay warm. And get some swaddles. Most babies love it. My 2nd didn't so much, but really helped with my 1st when they are newborns. Not so much after that.
    Because the consequences of one or the other being sleep deprived and exhausted aren't the same. That doesn't speak to either of their roles being more or less important than the other, but that for as difficult as rearing a child can be, there are advantages to having zero supervision and being off the grid. No one's standing in the room timing her response speed or measuring the baby's nutrition levels or issuing verbal warnings if she's not maximizing her production with household chores whenever the baby is sleeping.

    My wife happens to a doctor with a pretty great maternity leave package that allows us both to comfortably take off work as needed, so fortunately not a whole lot of the OP's dilemma will translate to our situation. But imagining she didn't have the leave and our livelihood being contingent on her not botching diagnoses and treatments, there's no reason both of us should be suffering a lack of sleep because "lol that's parenthood!"

    Obviously there are streaks that will be inevitable, but if it means the spouse isn't sleep deprived operating a motor vehicle both ways and tending to patients in between, or operating a 9,000 pound forklift in a congested warehouse, etc., etc., there's almost no reason you shouldn't be ensuring the working spouse gets adequate rest.
    Last edited by j.man; 01-08-2020 at 01:58 PM.

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