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Thread: Can co-sleeping destroy my marriage?

  1. #91
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    It's an analogous retort. Applying anecdote to pretty egregiously generalize the working experience of other folks. I'm assuming you never pulled 72-hour QRF shifts in the height of IED season in the Anbar province, but I won't assume your job ~as a mother~ was any more or less difficult. That's not any complaint or a "gotcha." The bottom line is everything's subjective and you don't earn a chip on a shoulder for life events and occupations you volunteer for. Dismissing the proportional work experiences and efforts of others because you've had a cushioned enough work life to assume balanced work breaks, facebook time, and "slow days" is honestly more than a tiny bit obtuse.

    There are a lot of folks out there who go through hell financially supporting their spouse and family. And not just that, but living every day with the pressure of losing the privilege, especially when sleep deprived and knowing just how well game-breaking mistakes can be made. Often enough, these mistakes can seriously injure or kill folks in the workplace, or more universally, on the road. Probably not the easiest for those living the office life to contextualize. It doesn't take an expensive FIOS plan to get access to these forums. It's best not to assume folks are coming from a background of 5-minute bike rides to their bank cubicle.
    Out of decency, I would never dare assume what it's like for you. Please give me the same courtesy and then come back AFTER you've actually had a child and let us know if you still feel the same way.
    I've never personally insulted you. Not sure why you think you're entitled. Especially in light of your minimal life experiences on the subjects covered here on this thread.
    Out. . .

  2. #92
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Just. . .can't
    Unsurprising.

  3. #93
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    We donít know how much this newborn sleeps though. Lord knows mine didnít. They finally started drugging him to sleep at 7 years old because he slept 4 hours a day at that point. I was almost virtually insane and sobbing from lack of sleep.
    I had a colicky baby, that's a whole other experience. Sounds like you've had similar issues, Seraphim. It's sure not easy. I think I slept about 3-4 hours per night for at least two months, no joke. My little one rarely settled. And during the day, there were no naps. Talk about zombie. Which is why it was nice when my husband came home and at least gave me a couple hours break.

    Couples should work together.

  4. #94
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Unsurprising.
    Some of the posters here seem to be speaking from a very personal, emotional place. And a variety of experiences.

    Some of the comments have, but only briefly, hinted at the suffocation and isolation that young mothers who feel trapped at home, and cut off from their peers, can suffer, which is another important issue.

    Of course, everything would be easier if you lived in "not a western country" and could cheaply hire a nanny, or had grandma/mother's younger sister living with you (or close by) to ease the load.

    But if life was meant to be easy, it probably would be.

    Back on topic:

    OP, it's understandable that you want the baby close at this point. Perhaps suggest to partner that for a few weeks you could have baby in the room, beside the bed, and then the two of you can re-assess?

    Also, having children sleeping in the same bed as the parents will, in the longer term, negate any intimacy in the marriage, and that usually doesn't turn out well.

  5.  

  6. #95
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    hinted at the suffocation and isolation that young mothers who feel trapped at home
    I never once felt any of those things, nor did I try to hint at it. Offensive that you even go to that assumption.

    I felt exhausted and sleep deprived as a new mother and I hoped/expected my partners help. I don't see anything wrong with that.

    I loved every single second with my baby, make no mistake about that. But I am a human too who needed sleep and it's not always easy with a newborn, in particular, my baby who was colicky.
    I had hoped for help and support from my husband when he got home. That to me should be a given.

    Couples should work together in tough times. Although I realize that's not always the case.

  7. #96
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I never once felt any of those things, nor did I try to hint at it. Offensive that you even go to that assumption.

    I felt exhausted and sleep deprived as a new mother and I hoped/expected my partners help. I don't see anything wrong with that.

    I loved every single second with my baby, make no mistake about that. But I am a human too who needed sleep and it's not always easy with a newborn, in particular, my baby who was colicky.
    I had hoped for help and support from my husband when he got home. That to me should be a given.

    Couples should work together in tough times. Although I realize that's not always the case.
    A whole lot of irony floating around these parts.

  8. 01-11-2020, 01:17 AM

  9. #97
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    From a guy with no children and another one who didn't help his wife when she needed it.

    Yep, sure gonna listen to you two.

    Thanks, I'm out.

  10. 01-11-2020, 01:49 AM

  11. 01-11-2020, 02:06 AM

  12. #98
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Don't include me. I know you were and are truly the vanguard. I submit to your labor and sacrifice. You've lived a struggle and experience I'll never know. Thank you for your service to mankind, madam.
    Sad day for me honestly, when at such young age, you've become so cynical and insensitive to others. So be it.
    I hope you figure out whatever it is that's going on in your world so you no longer feel the need to take it out on others.

  13. #99
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    I wanted to add in some other thoughts of what worked for me at that time when I was home full time. My husband saw what I did at home as my job, as a job. Just like he had a job. Didn't always call it that but I could tell he thought of it that way. One of the first things he told me when we moved when our son was an infant was that his best friend suggested I hire a cleaning woman weekly not just twice a month. To me that acknowledged the "job" element, the difficulty. I think it's important whether it's called a job or not to figure out how your husband sees your role and if he's not "getting it" I've heard others suggest (I never did this) -simply leave the house one morning when he is not due at work with all the supplies - but he has to make/clean the bottles or whatever you do for feeding (I know, nursing makes this more difficult - I could not breast feed!). - and he will get it. Do this calmly. Hopefully he will get it because he is a person who cares and wants to get it.

    The key is calm. Choose times when you can speak in a calm way in a more head/logical than emotional (whiny?) even if you feel that way, understandably (I made the mistake of not).

    Decide what your battles are. Decide what silence will do (resentment?). I so so wish that when I finally got 40 minutes to exercise when my son was a toddler and playing in the playpen that I had said to my husband "no, you are not leaving right now for lunch with your friend. I need 11 minutes to shower so I don't have to sit in my sweat for the next 3 hours. I come first, call your friend and tell him you're running late to help me." Or "I feel hurt that you asked if you should cancel your lunch when you see me feeding our son and barely able to stand up because I just walked home after oral surgery and almost passed out. Do you see me??"

    On the other hand there were times he stepped in, times he showed up, times he went the extra mile and washed breast pump parts around the clock. Yes, truth is it's cool to show resilience and strength and to have some pride in "I can do this by myself." Just don't go too far with it (no I am not the mom who's typically going to say "you know, I really don't love chocolate chip cookies that much actually -you have the last gourmet one, enjoy!"). (I say truth is because I see so much of the focus on "self care" for moms and it's often the stereotypical mani/pedi/massage/white wine - that it's cool to let all the vulnerability hang out - and yes, if you think you might have PPD you have to speak up - but I also see the benefit in feeling proud of how much you can do/accomplish -balancing act).

    Keep checking in with yourself because sense of self and boundaries change. It's ok to be inconsistent "yesterday I was ok with you getting up, spending 4 minutes with the baby then going into your mancave/bathroom for 25 minutes. Today I need you to spend more time with the baby and leave your phone outside the bathroom so you maybe can come out sooner".

  14. #100
    Administrator kamurj's Avatar
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    Thread has run its course, closed.

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