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Feels like I've finally found love in a very unusual place..


Gmx49

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First off I just wanna say up until a few days ago I started sharing on here and man does it feel great to get some of my "problems " out. I do have a very understanding family and some really good friends but I've just always been one to try to stay positive and keep all of my personal feelings and struggles in. I think this is a great platform for doing it, or well at least for me.. As said I've posted on here recently a couple of times over the last couple of days and I dont want to get into a few of those subjects. I guess my reason for writing this today is I have no idea why I feel I'm incapable of being in a true loving relationship. I'm going through a separation with my wife of five years and to be honest and short I'm really not sure if we ever truly loved each other.. I've talked with her about it and we can almost agree that we probably moved way too fast, and I personally think we just needed each other at the time. I can't say our time together was wasted, but it's been a real struggle these last few years.. Anyway, before her I had been in a few relationships that lasted up to maybe three months at the very longest. I'm 33 yrs old and man I really can't seem to get this right.. About six months ago right around the time my soon to be ex wife were on the brink of separation, I met someone who just for whatever reason makes me feel incredible. It's so much what she's done for me but just who she is. I feel this tremendous energy and she's been all I can think about since the day we met. In my 33 years of life I can't say I've ever felt this way for anyone. I've expressed my feelings for her to her and well unfortunately for me the feelings aren't mutual. I guess normally any person with good common sense would move on though as hard as it is to do so. And this is where I'm sure most of you that's reading this will start to roll your eyes, she's an exotic dancer. I'm not one to judge anyone in the profession she's in, I just know that it doesn't reflect well on me. I'm sure it's happened plenty of times to guys in the past, and NO (my right hand to God) she is not the reason for me separating with my wife. In fact I'm almost sure that I have no romantic future with the dancer/entertainer. My point for posting this is just I feel like idk why these strong feelings for her exist? I feel her and I share a few key things in common. I have seen glimpses of who she really is, and she's allowed me to see some of her personal life that idk why resonates with me. I also feel like her life's a mess and (even though mine is too)

I want to help her. She to me is like a damsel in distress and I just want to help her. She's a very beautiful woman but that's not the only thing I find attractive about her. And for the record I've been around many other beautiful women and have a few attractive female friends and so fourth. In other words it's not a case of me just being in complete awe of her physique and I don't know my way around women that I find attractive. I'm a reasonably confident man with mild insecurities and I'm working on bettering myself. I'm a very caring person or at least I'm told, hell I feel silly writing all this should Australia is suffering from wild fires and we're on the brink of war possibly.. I've made it so to where I'm available to her at any given time, if she needs anything money or food I am more than happy to provide. It is a rather one sided relationship though I feel I reap benefits from her emotionally and what not. Everytime I do buy her something she seems to open up the door into her life just a bit more and I can't help myself but to keep doing so because I very much feel in love with this woman. I don't know what a romantic loving relationship looks like. I can only dream that this fantasy I have of her and I ending up together would one day come true. I feel as though I could wait many years on her back burner possibly as a friend till then. Even if it never happens (which I'm almost sure it won't) I could spend the rest of my life loving this woman.. I know I'm may seem a fool and probably am one, and I'm at the will of the internet though my feelings aren't easily hurt but it's quite honestly how I feel. I've always lived my life unconventionally, dwelling in music and books and movies (though all quite common things to do) I much rather prefer life to be fantasy rather than living in reality. And I'm going to take a step further to say that I could totally be her Forest Gump and live my whole life (keeping busy but) loving her. I'm not sure I'm capable of finding what it is I find in her in anyone else.. Now don't get me wrong if the day were to come where she asks me to stay out of her life I wouldn't ever contact her again. I know I may seem crazy but I'm not that kind of crazy. Again I'm 33 and though I know this isn't the way love works, I am afraid of walking out of her life and never experiencing it again.. Thank you for your time

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In fact I'm almost sure that I have no romantic future with the dancer/entertainer.

 

Everytime I do buy her something she seems to open up the door into her life just a bit more and I can't help myself but to keep doing so because I very much feel in love with this woman.

 

Not sure if you are just feeling out for some logical explanations or seeking advice but these two statements above concern me personally.

 

Be careful with your finances. I'd hate to hear that she is using you for money. As you said "Her life is a mess", so be cautious that you don't inherit this mess.

More importantly, Love should be given freely and openly and it's what all humans need. But be careful with your heart as you can get hurt.

 

Best wishes

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Oh gosh, not another exotic dancer. We just had one of these posts the other day. You guys need to stay away from these places and find a real girlfriend.

 

Find a woman who's better than you and who actually loves you - and you might have a chance at a good relationship.

 

That's because the other thread was posted by this same person.

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=563199

 

He's posted this twice.

 

OP, why start another thread about the exact same topic?

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My advice remains the same as the thread about divorcing your gf, that you state is not really your wife: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=563216&p=7191718&viewfull=1#post7191718

I have no idea why I feel I'm incapable of being in a true loving relationship.

I'm 33 yrs old and man I really can't seem to get this right.. A

In my 33 years of life I can't say I've ever felt this way for anyone.

I have no romantic future with the dancer/entertainer.

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My apologies for posting this twice. I'm posting this through my cell phone since my laptop is not working. I thought the original post was lost, I'm still new to this open forum stuff. Better without I'm just kind of putting this out there since I've decided it best not to share with family and friends. I think this is a great outlet for me so far just hearing out different perspectives. I figured I'd throw stuff up at the fan to see what comes out and see if anything sticks. Thanks for the responses

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You may want to run it by a therapist. That way it's confidential and your live-in gf and the general public can not read all the sordid details of your strip club crushes. You may think it's some deep dark secret but people see you in these places.

I've decided it best not to share with family and friends.
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Wiseman though we were not married through the eyes of the state of texas, we held a private ceremony amongst family and friends and considered one another husband and wife. I'm not sure what advice you are referring to as I addressed both of your responses to help clarify.

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Wiseman I do see a therapist and I have nothing to hide as far as being seen in a strip club. The people there are great people just trying to make a living like the rest of us. If that doesn't sit well with your morals than there's nothing much else to be said. I think this is a decent platform amongst complete strangers to voice out my thoughts and actions. So far I have been given fair perspectives to consider.

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Gary I'm not making you read my posts. If they make you feel uncomfortable or something you can't handle then feel free to not read any of my threads. Gmx49er

I have had a crazy life, I'm just trying to work it out like most people on here

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Some thoughts about your thoughts:

 

What you seem to be most attracted to in this new woman, aside from her looks and energy, is two things. One: that her life is a mess that you can help clean up. Two: that she does not have romantic feelings for you. Romanticizing tragedy, basically. That's different than actual romance.

 

Armchair conclusion: investing feelings in her is "safe" since doing so will affirm something you fundamentally believe about yourself—that you are incapable of "getting it right" when it comes to love and romance. The soothing comforts of sabotage.

 

Zoom out a bit and it's not so different from falling in love with a celebrity in a magazine: it's loving an idea, more than a person, a story in your own head more than a story you write with and alongside a willing and capable co-author. You get to experience a shade of the sensations people seek from romantic connection—attraction, vulnerability, a whiff of danger, and so forth—but on a stage that isn't quite real, that can't really go anywhere. You get both the reward of being a savior of sorts, or at least feeling like one, and the reward of feeling somehow broken yourself.

 

Lots of feelings in exchange for little growth.

 

Keep investing in something like this and you can basically ensure that, come 35 or 40 or 45, you'll still be thinking of yourself in the same tragic terms you've outlined above. Is that what you want? I'd ask that question seriously, and seriously answer it. Because there is another path, perhaps a truer and more rewarding one, which begins with some reflection and a conscious attempt to untangle some emotional knots, to get to the root of understanding why you'd rather invest in the impossible than the possible. Demystify that impulse and you leech it of its power.

 

You're quite young. You've been an adult only a decade, more or less. If all goes well you'll live four or five more decades—plenty of time to get it right, or get closer. Who do you want to spend that time becoming? You're hardly alone in having a marriage that didn't work out, that didn't have the right kind of fuel, just as you're hardly alone in nursing that void through dreams of making a broken pixie whole. But that's just the same loop, you know? Why not see it, but choose to indulge in something else? There are wilder loops than ones built only through longing for what can't be, or what can only be real in our imaginations.

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Leah I'm you enjoyed that.

Boltnrun I guess I'm having a hard time accepting that. Idk if that speaks on me and where I'm at emotionally or maybe it's just something I feel that I can manage.

 

There's another poster on here who has a very long thread about a woman who's pretending to be in love with him just to make an ex jealous and to boost her ego and to get some attention. He's very aware (after a LONG mental struggle) that she doesn't love him and is simply playing a game with him. He says he's going to continue because he'd rather fool himself into thinking she really loves him than have no one at all. In other words, he'd rather pretend than have to search for the real thing.

 

Another poster on here is involved with a woman who is using him for money. He knows this, yet still won't bring himself to break free. Another person who would rather pretend than have "nothing". As long as he continues to send money she continues to communicate with him. He cries on a daily basis, yet still holds on because if he lets go he feels he has no one.

 

I don't know why you deliberately seek out these situations. My guess is you fear a real relationship with someone you'd have to deal with as an equal. Maybe you feel like you're not "good enough" for an adult relationship. Or that's all psychobabble and you just like a challenge. Who knows.

 

Are you truly happy knowing this stripper is doing the same things with all of her customers as she's doing with you? Or are you pretending you're special to her and you're the only one?

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Blue castle I think you absolutely hit it right on the head. That's a perfect analogy and reaffirms what I've been thinking on over the last few nights. I do see a trend in the way I choose my relationships. Like I always want to fix someone else's problems and I take it on as almost a challenge putting my needs (to which I honestly have no idea are) aside. I spend most of my every day to day in my head, fantasizing about someone else, or since I met the dancer sharing a life with her. I think I need to tear the walls down in my life and work on rebuilding who I am. Thank you for sharing your thoughts sincerely.

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Bolt n run I am aware that I am I guess you can consider a regular customer, and that she has plenty of other men that go see her often. I'm trying to understand why it is that I have these strong feelings for her, i know it's not normal. And yes in part I believe it to be that I feel challenged, not necessarily the part of me getting into a relationship with her but rather helping her out and fixing her problems. I don't know why I feel compelled to, I guess its well what I dream love that I have for her.. I guess one of my problems is not grasping the concept of love.. I feel like I'm incapable of loving just anyone, and I think maybe that's where a lot of my problems stem from. I'm not a shallow person, it's not all just because of her looks as I think all women are beautiful in one way or another. Like I said I've never felt these types of feelings for anyone before. Going forward I'm just going to work on myself and really dig deep to see what the hell is going on.

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Well, it makes it easy to avoid a "real" relationship. You're not available because you're "in love" with this stripper.

 

It's similar to someone who is broken up with and won't date because they're in love with their ex and will wait forever if necessary for their ex to come back.

 

The problem with that is all the life you're missing out on because you've chosen to attach yourself to someone who will never be with you in a relationship sense.

 

Do you want to avoid real love?

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The problem with that is all the life you're missing out on because you've chosen to attach yourself to someone who will never be with you in a relationship sense.

 

Do you want to avoid real love?

 

This is a good point.

 

IMO, I think your separation with your wife of 5 years has bummed you out considerably and you married for the wrong reasons. Now you are questioning "What is real love"?

I feel that you may benefit from doing some self-work and learn how to love yourself first, then you can be able to love.

 

Ask yourself the question, do you want to reach age 40 and still be clinging to "friendships" and avoid a real relationship or do you want more out of social interactions?

Having said that, if you are finding yourself most comfortable and most yourself as an unattached guy, then you do you. No reason whatsoever to fulfill the conventions the world puts on you. (marriage, kids, white picket fence)

Plenty of people are single by choice and find fufillment in other ways (career, cool Uncle, world traveller, etc)

 

So basically, really look inwards to what you want out of life. If it makes you happy being friends with a stripper, who am I to judge. It's not my life or your parents life...it's yours.

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I have seen glimpses of who she really is,

 

With only glimpses you've decided she's the one? Think about that for a moment because you really don't even know her.

 

Unavailable people are attracted to equally unavailable people.

 

You both are unavailable for different reasons.

 

So, in the end you get the same outcome that keeps you safe, yet frustrated and alone.

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I do hope to grow from this.

 

I'd cut out the word "hope," which is passive and gives you permission to keep indulging in the same habits, and make the firm choice to grow from this.

 

Yeah, that choice probably involves finding a place other than a strip club to escape emotional turmoil, burn off emotional energy, and savor some kind of emotional contact high, which will mean experiencing some loneliness and discomfort. But that's a small price to pay, in the long run, if it means standing a little taller, inhabiting yourself in a more authentic manner, and discovering what it means, and feels like, to have a heart opened to full capacity.

 

Because yours—like all human's—is genuinely capable of that.

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Wait a minute...If you want to post exactly the same thing you just posted a couple of days ago, OK...But you don't need to lie. You said You didn't know if your previous post got posted. You KNOW it was posted because you got a number of responses and you also replied a couple of times to it. So saying you didn't know if it was posted or not is pretty far fetched! Also I'm not sure what advice you are hoping to get because you already got a few responses last time.

 

Regarding you being "in love" with the stripper...I do understand that we can't control how we feel but I want to reiterate that I don't think you are actually in love. I don't think you know what love actually is. It sounds like you weren't in love with your ex-wife, and your other relationships were really short. I don't think you've ever actually been in love and hence you're mistaking this for love. The reason why I don't think you're in love with her is because you don't actually really know her. You can't say "Oh, but I do because I see her a lot!". She is not her real self at work, I guarantee you that. Even I'm not exactly my real self at my welfare job because I heavily sensor my real boisterous personality because I have to act professional.

 

Being a stripper involves being very flirtatious, acting interested and into their clients. Even when I've been in strip clubs (I'm a bisexual woman), I had them coming up to me, acting super into me, putting their arm on me. Then when I got a dance from some over the years, I asked if they were into women and they said they were actually straight. Look how differently they were acting and like they are into a woman! This is what they do for money, it's their job.

 

Being in love means predominantly loving someone for WHO they are. You only like her because she's very beautiful. If she was a plain Jane you would not feel this way. Because you're not in love with HER, but her looks. You're just infatuated with the attention you get from her. And that attention is totally fake.

 

Do you actually want to be in a real relationship? Because you sure aren't going to get it here. There are plenty of other women out there who are waiting to meet someone. I'm 35 and single, waiting to find love. If you actually put in effort into "real" women, you have a chance at finding actual love. Do you want to give yourself that chance or do you want to waste years on loveless marriages and strippers?

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