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Thread: Feels like I've finally found love in a very unusual place..

  1. #21
    Gold Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    The problem with that is all the life you're missing out on because you've chosen to attach yourself to someone who will never be with you in a relationship sense.

    Do you want to avoid real love?
    This is a good point.

    IMO, I think your separation with your wife of 5 years has bummed you out considerably and you married for the wrong reasons. Now you are questioning "What is real love"?
    I feel that you may benefit from doing some self-work and learn how to love yourself first, then you can be able to love.

    Ask yourself the question, do you want to reach age 40 and still be clinging to "friendships" and avoid a real relationship or do you want more out of social interactions?
    Having said that, if you are finding yourself most comfortable and most yourself as an unattached guy, then you do you. No reason whatsoever to fulfill the conventions the world puts on you. (marriage, kids, white picket fence)
    Plenty of people are single by choice and find fufillment in other ways (career, cool Uncle, world traveller, etc)

    So basically, really look inwards to what you want out of life. If it makes you happy being friends with a stripper, who am I to judge. It's not my life or your parents life...it's yours.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gmx49
    I have seen glimpses of who she really is,
    With only glimpses you've decided she's the one? Think about that for a moment because you really don't even know her.

    Unavailable people are attracted to equally unavailable people.

    You both are unavailable for different reasons.

    So, in the end you get the same outcome that keeps you safe, yet frustrated and alone.

  3. #23
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    Boltnrun, betterwithout, and reinventmyself thank you so much for your advice. I do hope to grow from this. And yeah I most definitely have some soul searching to do.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gmx49
    I do hope to grow from this.
    I'd cut out the word "hope," which is passive and gives you permission to keep indulging in the same habits, and make the firm choice to grow from this.

    Yeah, that choice probably involves finding a place other than a strip club to escape emotional turmoil, burn off emotional energy, and savor some kind of emotional contact high, which will mean experiencing some loneliness and discomfort. But that's a small price to pay, in the long run, if it means standing a little taller, inhabiting yourself in a more authentic manner, and discovering what it means, and feels like, to have a heart opened to full capacity.

    Because yours—like all human's—is genuinely capable of that.

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  6. #25
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    Wait a minute...If you want to post exactly the same thing you just posted a couple of days ago, OK...But you don't need to lie. You said You didn't know if your previous post got posted. You KNOW it was posted because you got a number of responses and you also replied a couple of times to it. So saying you didn't know if it was posted or not is pretty far fetched! Also I'm not sure what advice you are hoping to get because you already got a few responses last time.

    Regarding you being "in love" with the stripper...I do understand that we can't control how we feel but I want to reiterate that I don't think you are actually in love. I don't think you know what love actually is. It sounds like you weren't in love with your ex-wife, and your other relationships were really short. I don't think you've ever actually been in love and hence you're mistaking this for love. The reason why I don't think you're in love with her is because you don't actually really know her. You can't say "Oh, but I do because I see her a lot!". She is not her real self at work, I guarantee you that. Even I'm not exactly my real self at my welfare job because I heavily sensor my real boisterous personality because I have to act professional.

    Being a stripper involves being very flirtatious, acting interested and into their clients. Even when I've been in strip clubs (I'm a bisexual woman), I had them coming up to me, acting super into me, putting their arm on me. Then when I got a dance from some over the years, I asked if they were into women and they said they were actually straight. Look how differently they were acting and like they are into a woman! This is what they do for money, it's their job.

    Being in love means predominantly loving someone for WHO they are. You only like her because she's very beautiful. If she was a plain Jane you would not feel this way. Because you're not in love with HER, but her looks. You're just infatuated with the attention you get from her. And that attention is totally fake.

    Do you actually want to be in a real relationship? Because you sure aren't going to get it here. There are plenty of other women out there who are waiting to meet someone. I'm 35 and single, waiting to find love. If you actually put in effort into "real" women, you have a chance at finding actual love. Do you want to give yourself that chance or do you want to waste years on loveless marriages and strippers?

  7. #26
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    Tiny dance I am aware that I wrote a similar post the other night. This is my third day on this site and I didn't state that I didn't think the original post posted, I said I thought it got lost and or even further more possibly deleted. I'm not sure how long these threads last as again I am new to the site, and I thought maybe I could get more responses to which I did. I mean really, if you think about it why would I lie about that? I mean I don't understand the benefit you'd think I'd have if I did lie. I so happen to find the first post, and I already gave you a direct response that addresses everything you pretty much rewrote on this one. Yes I am aware of what a stripper's profession entails. Yes I agree that I don't know what romantic love is. And actually I received some great input today. I enjoy this site very much so far. But I find some users that have a subjective sense of what is written, and create false narratives. I'm not here to win a contest, and I'm also not on here to be accused of being a liar. I'm not here to waste my time or anyone else's. I am here because I am troubled and I am reaching out just like a lot of people on here.

  8. #27
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    Blue Castle thanks again, you are a true MVP

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Gmx49
    Tiny dance I am aware that I wrote a similar post the other night. This is my third day on this site and I didn't state that I didn't think the original post posted, I said I thought it got lost and or even further more possibly deleted. I'm not sure how long these threads last as again I am new to the site, and I thought maybe I could get more responses to which I did. I mean really, if you think about it why would I lie about that? I mean I don't understand the benefit you'd think I'd have if I did lie. I so happen to find the first post, and I already gave you a direct response that addresses everything you pretty much rewrote on this one. Yes I am aware of what a stripper's profession entails. Yes I agree that I don't know what romantic love is. And actually I received some great input today. I enjoy this site very much so far. But I find some users that have a subjective sense of what is written, and create false narratives. I'm not here to win a contest, and I'm also not on here to be accused of being a liar. I'm not here to waste my time or anyone else's. I am here because I am troubled and I am reaching out just like a lot of people on here.
    OK, that is fair enough :) Have you considered trying to go on dates with some other women? Or you don't feel you're ready yet after your split from your wife?

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gmx49
    I'm just kind of putting this out there since I've decided it best not to share with family and friends. I think this is a great outlet for me so far just hearing out different perspectives.
    That's good, but unfortunately I think the best perspective you're going to get in this matter is your own, three or four years into the future, when you come back to read what you've written here.

    I suspect by that point, this girl will be long gone, the feelings will have faded, and you will have had time to logically evaluate the actual situation (and the wreckage that likely ensued).

    I think these feelings that you describe are very temporary, but since they are also very potent you will not be able to clearly evaluate the decisions you make based upon them. It will take years for you to be able to see your mistakes.

    I went back and read your first thread. It's good that you told your therapist about this lady. Keep talking to your therapist about her. Keeping her a secret is just making things more of a dream.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gmx49
    I guess one of my problems is not grasping the concept of love.. I feel like I'm incapable of loving just anyone, and I think maybe that's where a lot of my problems stem from. I'm not a shallow person, it's not all just because of her looks as I think all women are beautiful in one way or another. Like I said I've never felt these types of feelings for anyone before. Going forward I'm just going to work on myself and really dig deep to see what the hell is going on.
    I don't think you're incapable of loving certain people or that you are a shallow person. I think that "love between equals" has never been modeled for you by your parents and family. Love seems to have always been a caretaker arrangement in your life. No surprise that, as a result, like you say, the concept of love is hard for you to grasp. And no surprise that you are comfortable with another arrangement where you are basically a provider/caretaker.

    I think you're posting on here because you've become aware of your patterns and you are questioning yourself. That's good, because you can change your outlook if you want to. You can't change other people, but you can change yourself.

    Growing up with parents that basically hated each other, I didn't believe there was any value to romantic relationships for a long time. When I saw couples, I always imagined an undercurrent of resentment between them. Fortunately, I see things differently now.

    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    My guess is you fear a real relationship with someone you'd have to deal with as an equal.
    I don't know if you realize it, but being a caretaker puts you in a position of power. Someone else relies on you and you never rely on them. It's similar when you have zero expectations of the person that you fall in love with. To say that she can do whatever she wants while you wait around patiently in love like Forest Gump is again an instance of control and power: you are giving permission ahead of time. To give permission, you have to be an authority. To govern, your decisions have to be worth inherently more.

    But obviously, this power an illusion when you are governing people who are compromised by addiction, disability, and psychological problems. Power is also illusory when you attach yourself to emotionally unavailable people and make excuses for them. You think you avoid rejection by pre-authorizing their dismissive behavior. But you're really just in denial.

    The true test of power and self worth is your ability to negotiate a relationship with an equal. That's where rejection becomes an unavoidable risk.

    The question is, are you being honest with yourself about what you really want in life?

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Keep investing in something like this and you can basically ensure that, come 35 or 40 or 45, you'll still be thinking of yourself in the same tragic terms you've outlined above.

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