How do I start over??? How do I stop feeling guilty?

First post- super long... Sorry!

I was in a relationship with my ex for 3 years and had a son together (now 2.5yrs). We met in ME which is where I'm from, and where he was going to school. I got pregnant very soon afterus getting together and decided to try and make the relationship work for the sake of our son. Fast forward two years- ex's (very wealthy) parents offer to purchase us a house in TN where ex is from and where ex inlaws lived. They offered to buy a house, buy me a car, and pay for our son's fancy Montessori preschool. We were struggling in ME at the time and they knew that, so we felt they were being extremely generous and immediately took the offer. Very soon after moving into "our" home, it became apparent to be that the home and car were not mine. They didn't put my name on the car, or on the mortgage, and ex's mother would frequently invite herself into our home uninvited. Along with this discomfort, my ex and I were having our own issues. I got to a point where I just couldn't take it anymore- the constant arguments, the laziness (never picked up after himself or our son, always playing video games, etc), slamming doors in my face and getting physical with me on a few occasions. I felt isolated and missed my family and friends terribly. I slowly began to realize that I had put up with so much from this man, including 2 relapses (he is an addict). Now I had to deal with the our own dysfunctional relationship AND his dysfunctional mother who has 0 boundaries. I decided we needed to take a break and booked myself and my son roundtrip tickets to ME to see our family whom we hadn't seen in 7 months. During the entire trip I was constantly receiving angry texts/phone calls from ex's mother telling me that she needed to facetime my son and that she wasn't seeing him enough, yadayadayada. I told ex and also asked him if he could extend our tickets a couple extra days so that I could celebrate my best friend's 21st birthday with her. He agreed. The days passed and I didn't hear from him. He never extended the ticket and stop trying to contact myself or our son. I assumed this meant he was over the relationship, so I just decided to stay in ME. A couple months go by with no contact with ex (he always had access to his son, he chose not to call him either). One day I randomly receive a summons in the mail from my ex suing me for primary custody of our son. Keep in mind that ex has NO money, his car and home are both owned by his parents. He can't hold a job, and is unemployed at the time. He did not pay for the big fancy attorney who signed her name at the bottom of the petition. I felt very scared, because I knew neither I nor my family had the funds to fight these people. Reluctantly, I decided to give my son back to his father during an over-the-phone mediation in which I was without representation. I spent a month working and saving money in ME in order to prepare myself to move back to TN. That month without my son was the hardest time of my life. I was fortunate enough to reconnect with a friend living in TN who allowed me to move in with her during this whole court process, but it is still a struggle. I sleep on a couch every night, I'm no broke after spending every dime I had on a great attorney, I'm lonely and missing my family, and I'm just overall stressed and sad. I worked my butt off to move back here to be close to my son and his father hardly lets me see him. It's sad because his dad hardly sees him either, he has recently relapsed and our son spends almost every night with his grandmother. It hurts that she has him and not me. I'm not unfit, he is my son, not hers. I feel broken and lost, and that I ruined my life as well as my sons. I feel like I should have just sucked it up and stayed in the relationship with my ex. Then I wouldn't have to go through this whole court process. I'd have a home again. My son wouldn't have to be shuffled between two households.

I guess my big question from all of this is: How do I move on?? How do I get used to this new life? Any advice/comments would be greatly appreciated. TIA

OP, not everyone here understands those two letter codes Americans abbreviate state names to.

is this correct:

ME = Maine

TN= Tennessee

You say the ex is an addict, has relapsed, and the boy is not living with him. The Court's orders are not being carried out by him.

You take it back to Court, even if you have to represent yourself. But first, get a job and a place to live.

Sorry to hear this. Your post is a tragedy of what happens with unplanned teen pregnancies and worse, getting involved with an addict. Hope it works out for you and your son.

so sorry...what an ordeal!

Is this your Grandmother, or your ex's Grandmother?

This might be unconventional and awkward, but can you develop/rekindle a common relationship with the Grandmother so you can see your son. Breaks my heart to see a kid who is not with either parents

ESPECIALLY if the one parent (you) would do anything for your son.

Sounds like your attorney wasn't so good after all if they lazy Dad got the custody.

As you know it's much more difficult having any control of the situation without any money. His parents made that clear.

So find work....any work to make this happen.

And be creative with ways you can arrange visitation with your son.

Best of luck to you.

Collect evidence that your son's dad is an addict, relapsed and not taking care of the child, also that the child is currently living with the grandparents. This is all a violation of court orders and is all kinds of legally problematic for him, but good for you in terms of regaining full custody of the child. There are attorneys, yes good ones, who might be willing to take your case on pro bono (for free) as lawyers are required to dedicate a certain number of hours per year to free legal services. You may need to call around and beg a lot, but do what you need to do.

So my advice to you is be less scared and get a lot more aggressive and proactive about getting things done for your and your child's benefit. Time to grow up, learn how to get things done and get tough, really tough. Also, whatever legal action you are planning, whatever evidence you are collecting - keep your mouth shut. Do not let it slip out to anyone, not your friend, not even your own family, let alone the in-laws or your ex. You do not want them to get wind of what you are up to and get ready for a fight or start hiding things. As far as they know, you are still a weak pushover.

Ahhh, I didn't even think of that! Yes, ME is Maine & TN is Tennessee. Thank you! I did manage to get myself a pretty great attorney so hopefully our next mediation will go MUCH better for me. The job/place to live part is a bit tricky too, because my plan is to take my son back to Maine to live with me and my parents. I know it will be a difficult fight, but I truly feel my son is better off in Maine with me. I have nothing here, I still have employment in Maine as well as a home (my parents house) and all of my family and friends. Our son even still has his old Pediatrician & childcare in Maine. I don't want to establish myself too much here in Tennessee, you know? What are your thoughts?

Thank you! I hope so too

This is my ex's mother- son's grandmother. Sorry for the confusion! I actually didn't have an attorney at the time of our first mediation, which is why he got custody. I was unaware of my rights and him and his attorney were shouting at me and scaring me to the point where I just gave in. I was crying the whole time, it was such a mess. I just recently got an attorney, who has so far been great! So hopefully our next mediation will go a LOT better.

I've tried to rekindle a relationship but she just wants drama. The last time I saw her she left me a voicemail after telling me that I needed to get used to seeing her and to get over myself, etc. Like what?! I didn't do anything to this woman.

Thank you so much for your response! I really appreciate it.

Thank you so much for responding, this is great advice. I do have an attorney now, I retained her just a few weeks ago after finally saving up enough money. I think ex knows that I know he has relapsed, and if not- will know soon because my attorney is going to be ordering a 5-panel nail drug screen. I also think he knows that I want to move back to Maine, because my attorney has talked to his attorney about splitting our time equally until March 2nd (court date), and that my time with our son would be spent back in Maine. I just don't know how to hide everything from him because my attorney needs to make his attorney aware of what's going on, and of course she's going to inform him.

Just remember that the courts main objective is to see that the child stays with the parents. That is what is best for the child. Not grandma and grandmas checkbook.

And she's really not threat to you as long as you prove that you are a mature adult capable of handling your affairs. You are the child's mother, not Grandma.

Dad's not much of a threat either because he's a hot mess.

Just be self assured, you don't need to be rich, nor a bully. Just be the child's mom. You will have to explain why you gave up custody to begin with and from where I sit, your story is very plausible.

I most ways, unless you are a prostitute or drug addict the courts are going to want to unite a child with it's natural parent.

Thanks so much for your response! Also- I didn't give up custody completely, this mediation was just to discuss a temporary parenting plan while we waited for court/trial. I had wanted to keep him in Maine with me, or even do 50/50, but he refused. So I didn't know what else to do but agree and let him have his way, because at the time, I was without legal representation.

It was a terrible time for you. May god give you bless you with more power and good health to both of you(You and your son).

Thank you so much for your kind words!